Vampire Diaries – S04E10 – After School Special

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi everybody! Thanks for coming to this impromptu funeral for everybody’s favorite mayor, Carol Lockwood! Now, I know you’re all asking, “how does a town move on when its leader is brutally slain by a hybrid murder machine killed in a tragic accident involving three inches of water and several gallons of gin? And of course the answer is–”

The Citizens of Mystic Falls: Hereditary ascension?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: What? Of course not! God, it’s like you people don’t even know how democracy works. When your mayor dies and then his wife takes over and then she drinks so much that she passes out face down in a pool – please ignore the hand-shaped bruises around her throat, thank you very much and no my office is not covering anything up why would you even ask that – you appoint the most senior member of the town’s secret council elected officials as interim mayor until elections can be held!

Rudy Hopkins: Hi everybody, thanks for –

Sheriff Liz Forbes: And when all of them tell you to go to hell there is no way they are taking on that job Jesus did you see the way the last two mayors died what are you trying to get me killed why do you hate me, you appoint a guy so useless that we haven’t even heard his name before this very episode, even though his daughter is a main character.

Rudy Hopkins: – coming.

The Lady of the Manor: MANWITCH FOR MAYOR!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, that’s Rebekah! And she’s not daggered! And she’s here! And she’s one of the most powerful creatures on the planet! I better go poke her with sharp sticks until something terrible happens to me!

April Young: Hi Elena! You’re a vampire!

Elena Gilbert: Well that’s not-

Rebekah: Super Original neck snapping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: -good.

April Young: Rebekah! Was that necessary?

The Lady of the Manor: YES, YES IT WAS.

Rebekah: No, but trust me, a good seventy-five percent of the fans are on their feet cheering right now.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Stefan! I just wanted to know why you skipped school today!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): …

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): …

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): HAHAHAHAHA!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): LOLOL!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): But seriously, as you already know, my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, which has led to me drown my sorrows in pint after pint of Virginia’s finest moonshine.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Well as you already know, my boyfriend, who is a hybrid vampire werewolf, is currently on a downward spiral due to the untimely demise slash murder of his mother, and since I’m actually sexing him and only want to be sexing you, his rapid descent into murderous rage takes priority!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Okay Caroline, you’ve talked sense into me! I won’t go on a twelve state murder spree, leaving a trail of comely young bodies behind me, like I did last summer. As you know.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Okay! Great talk! See you in a few scenes, when some terrible abomination of hatred and fear inevitably pulls us all out of English class!

April Young: Hi Elena! Rebekah told me all about how you and your friends have been crawling around my brain like those worms from that Star Trek movie!

Elena Gilbert: April, wait! Rebekah isn’t who you think she is!

April Young: I think she’s a thousand year old original vampire that was airquotes-killed-airquotes by her brother but came back to life when I yanked the magic dagger of kinda dying out of her heart.

Elena Gilbert: …Huh. That’s inconvenient. My escape plan really kind of hinged on you being as oblivious as the rest of the town rubes. On the bright side, I still have my super fast vampire –

Rebekah: Hi Elena! Loook into my eyyyyyes!</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: -sitting on my ass and waiting for someone to rescue me powers.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Damon! I’m leaving this voice mail to remind you that there is a great deal of suspicion as to whether my feelings for you – my hot, sweaty feelings – are because of your dashing good looks and menacing charm or because it was your blood that turned me into a vampire, thus rendering me a mindless automaton empty of all will except the will to please your penis. And to insist that I do have free will and that my love is genuine and that if you’d just take your pants off I’d prove it to you! -XOXO Elena

Matt Donovan: Hey Jeremy! Thanks for letting me help you train to become the next murderous hell creature we’re going to have to kill!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Any time, Matt! I’m hoping that if I work super extra hard, they’ll forget all about Silas and make me the season’s Big Bad!

Matt Donovan: But Jeremy, that’s crazy talk! What evil powers do you have, aside from the power of mesmerizing arms?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Behold the power of my hip toss! Super Jeremy action figure with Judo action powers activate!

Matt Donovan: Wow Jeremy! You threw me on the ground real good! I bet they’ll promote you to Big Bad any day now!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Do you really think so? Damon! Hey Damon! Do you think I’m evil enough to be the Big Bad yet?

The Lady of the Manor: OMG, just make out already!

Damon Salvatore: You know, when I wished to be surrounded by Gilbert pussy, I really should have been more specific.

Linda the Lakeside Pizza Delivery Girl: Hi guys! I brought you another Extra Large Super Meat Supreme pizza!

Damon Salvatore: …We didn’t order a pizza.

Linda the Lakeside Pizza Delivery Girl: Oh yeah, I know, I just wanted to stare at the veins in Matt and Jeremy’s arms a while.

Stefan Salvatore’s Voice Mail: Hello, you’ve reached Hero Hair Enterprises. If you’re a damsel in distress, go to hell. If I murdered your entire family when I went all Ripper last season, go to hell. If you’re an original vampire who’s kidnapped my ex girlfriend and wants to lure me into a trap, press three. ALl other inquires, go to hell.

Rebekah: 3

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Caroline! How’d you like to murder Rebekah, and along with her one fifth the world’s vampire population?

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Anything that will make you happy, Stefan!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Okay Rudy, now that you’re the mayor, you’re going to have to become an expert on covering up vampire murders! Here’s how we disguised Carol Lockwood’s horrible demise as the sad yet slightly amusing death of a town drunk!

Rudy Hopkins: Yeah, um … why do you people actively help the vampires again?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Rudy, we aren’t helping the vampires, we’re just making sure their secret remains safe, all the while keep life saving knowledge from their victims, in order to …

Rudy Hopkins: …

Sheriff Liz Forbes: … Well shit. I never thought of it that way before.

Rudy Hopkins: That’s swell. I’m just gonna be at the bar, mayoring it up, okay?

Bonnie Bennett: Hi daddy! Even though I hate you for abandoning me at the tender age of before the show started, I’m willing to use my magic powers to help protect this town!

Rudy Hopkins: This place really is screwed, isn’t it?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! I’ve come here to drive a magic stake through your cold dead heart!

Rebekah: That’s too bad, Stefan, because I’ve suddenly remembered that the number of creatures stronger than me can be counted on approximaltely one finger!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s … that’s not good at all, is it?

Rebekah: I don’t know, Twitter seems to think it’s fantastic!

Rebekah: Okay! We’ve been off the air for a month and a half, so let’s drop some exposition on this bitch!

Elena Gilbert: Ooh ooh, I’ll start! You used to shag a vampire hunter! And he had a magic tattoo that grew every time he killed a vampire!

Caroline Forbes: And that tattoo is actually a map that leads to the ultimate weapon against the vampires … a vampire cure!

Elena Gilbert: But that “cure” might actually be an evil necromancer named Silas, whose awakening will unleash an unending hell on this very earth!

Caroline Forbes: But none of that matters, because Elena broke up with Stefan!

Elena Gilbert: Because Damon touches me in a way Stefan never could!

Stefan Salvatore: You said he wasn’t that much bigger!

Caroline Forbes: And also Sire bond and free will and blah blah blah, now I can finally shag Stefan!

Everyone: …

Caroline Forbes: Oh right, like it’s not obvious!

Damon Salvatore: Okay Jeremy, for your next lesson I need you to load and unload this clip as fast as you can, like a hundred times!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon, this is stupid! Why don’t I just carry one really big clip?

Damon Salvatore: Because Obama is about to pass legislation making it illegal to carry more than two rounds at a time on any day but Sunday and the black helicopters are coming and OMG HOW WILL WE EVER DEFEND OURSELVES FROM THE VAMPIRE MENACE?

Klaus: That’s odd, I never pictured you as the tinfoil hat –

Damon Salvatore: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Klaus: -type.

The Lady of the Manor: JoMo will never not be perfect, but he’s the perfectest when he’s covered in blood and murdering to a Christmas soundtrack.

Rebekah: Hey Elena? I think Team Stefan is way way way too happy! Let’s do something about that! Loook into my eyyyyyes!</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Stefan is dumb and Damon is awesome! Stefan is boring and Damon is exciting! Stefan is like a dead fish and Damon is like a lion! A lion of raw sexual power and lust! I <3 Damon more than I have ever <3ed anyone before! Team Delena 4-EVA!!! If I had my way, I’d be sexing Damon right now, even if you were still here! I’d rip off his clothes and-

Rebekah: Okay, God, that’s enough. Jesus. You are just one big little pent up ball of frustration, aren’t you?

Elena Gilbert: I named my vibrator Little Damon!

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Professor Shane! I have daddy issues! Daddy issues I would love you to help me through, know what I mean?

Profesor Shane: I think I do know what you mean! I’m gonna give you my bone!

Bonnie Bennett: 😀

Profesor Shane: Specifically, this pendant made of human bone and evil, designed to channel your dark powers to my nefarious intents!

Bonnie Bennett: So … no sex then?

Profesor Shane: No sex.

Bonnie Bennett: Okay, I’ll just be leaving then.

Kol: Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Kol! Bye Shane!

Bonnie Bennett: …Oh shit.

Rebekah (on the phone): Hi Tyler! I’d like to use you to murder a bunch of people, and in order to convince you to show up, I kidnapped your girlfriend!

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Wait, which one?

Klaus: Hi Damon! Let’s be evil real quick! I want to cure Elena so I can make werepires. You want to cure Elena so you can bang her even more senseless than she already is. And to do that, Jeremy needs to murder the hell out of a ton of people. To accomplish that, we could wait until he’s strong enough to take on a bunch of centuries-old slaughter spreaders, or we could just vamp the pizza delivery girl and throw her to the shark.

Damon Salvatore: Well sure, we could do that, but that would mean –

Klaus: Seeing Elena naked again some time this decade?

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Linda the Lakeside Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hi Jeremy! I brought you a free pizza, just because you’ve been so naked such a good customer recently!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Well thanks Linda! Say, instead of dropping the pizza off and getting the hell off my property like a normal delivery girl, why don’t you come inside and sit on the couch while I take a shower?

Twitter: Orgasm!

Linda the Lakeside Pizza Delivery Vampire: :-)=

Profesor Shane: OMG OMG OMG Rebekah and Kol Mikaelson OMG OMG OMG you’re both members of the Original Vampire Family OMG OMG OMG!

Rebekah: Hey Shane? How about you shut up, look into my eyes, and tell me where the cure is?

Profesor Shane: AHA! But I have spent decades hidden in the Tibetan Alps, learning the secrets of mental mastery from ancient sages! Your compulsion is of no use on me!

Kol: Okay, so we’ll just torture you until you tell us what you want to know.

Profesor Shane: …Shit.

Rebekah: Let’s play a game! Elena, truth or dare?

Elena Gilbert: Dare!

Rebekah: … okay, I dare you to tell the truth about Damon!

Elena Gilbert: Okay! Damon does this thing with his finger, where he sticks it-

Rebekah: The truth about your feelings, Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Well I feel like there’s the electricity crawling up my-

Rebekah: GOD DAMN IT ELENA DO YOU LOVE DAMON OR DO YOU LOVE STEFAN?!?

Elena Gilbert: Oh. Well why didn’t you just ask that in the first place? I love Damon and I love Stefan, but I’m in love with Damon and I’m not in love with Stefan!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi guys! Someone said something about a slaughter?

Rebekah: That’s right! And the slaughter starts when you guys all sit here like nice little doggie snacks, and Tyler turns into a werewolf.

Tyler Lockwood: But if I turn I’ll-

Stefan Salvatore: Put us out of our misery? Please, go ahead. Just don’t eat the face. I want an open casket.

Matt Donovan: Hi guys! Let’s eat!

Linda the Lakeside Pizza Delivery Vampire: Okay! :-)=

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Super vampire hunter killing the cute blond girl that I probably should have realized was a vampire because that’s the kind of life I live now powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Okay! One vamp down, roughly … all of them to go.

Bonnie Bennett: Hi April! Shane told me he was gonna help me study anatomy! So why are you here?

April Young: Oh, I’m just waiting until Rebekah gets done ruining the lives of everyone she’s ever met and Kol gets done torturing some information out of Shane, and then we’re all gonna go out for pizza!

Bonnie Bennett: Oh no! Shane is in danger! But don’t worry! I can use my new Pendant of Human Sacrifice to cast a spell of protection over him!

April Young: Wow, that’s awesome! I sure hope there isn’t some funny “equivalent exchange” principle or something that will force you to sacrifice me to protect him!

Bonnie Bennett: …

April Young: 🙁

Kol: Super vampire waterboarding powers activate!

Rebekah: God, he hasn’t told you where the cure is yet?

Kol: Oh no, he told me, I just really like torturing people. Dunk!

Profesor Shane: Gasp!

April Young: Gurgle!

Profesor Shane: Guys guys guys! It’s okay! I’ll lead you to the cure, which just happens to be buried with an evil necromancer even older and more powerful than you! And I only have to kill three or four dozen people to unlock his tomb! But it’s okay! Once he wakes up he’ll gladly give me back my wife and daughter, and he’ll even resurrect the scores of people I’ve slaughtered in his name! And then everything will be peaches and cream, beer and skittles, now and forever amen! Crazy eyes!

Kol: Yeah, we could do that, or … gutstab!

April Young: Internal bleed!

Bonnie Bennett: Huh. My use of dark powers which I understand not seems to have had tragic, unforeseen consequences. I should write a book! It’ll be called Everything I Do Causes Pain – The Bonnie Bennett Story!

Tyler Lockwood: Woof!

Elena Gilbert: Run!

Stefan Salvatore: Doorslam!

Elena Gilbert: I can’t believe that flimsy door was enough to keep that feral murder machine that was once Tyler at bay!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, it isn’t. It’s just that we’re almost out of time and they’re contractually obligated to show Tyler without his pants on after he turns.

Rebekah: So you do realize that you just ruined my only chance for happiness, right?

Kol: Well yes, but on the other hand I (briefly) prevented the release of a dark evil from before time. So let’s call it a draw?

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Stefan! Hi Elena! I kinda sort accidentally killed April with my magic … any chance you can bleed into her mouth real quick?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, Hero Hair Enterprises, at your service.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’m naked! And sad!

Caroline Forbes: Don’t worry Tyler! I’ll hold you! And comfort you!

Tyler Lockwood: With your boobs?

Caroline Forbes: With my boobs!

Rebekah: Hi Stefan! What would you say if I offered to compel you to forget you ever met Elena, thus curing you of your unrequited love, painful memories, and tortured past!

Stefan Salvatore: Do it do it do it do it now I hate her and I want to forget she ever lived!

Rebekah: HAHAHA just kidding but at least things between you are even more awkward now LOL!

Stefan Salvatore: God, what a bitch.

Elena Gilbert: I know, right? I’m gonna go tell Damon how terrible she is.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh for the love of –

Elena Gilbert: I just hope I can talk with my mouth full of his-

Stefan Salvatore: Jesus!

Profesor Shane: Hi Bonnie! It sure was funny how Kol almost murdered me, huh?

Bonnie Bennett: Shane, this isn’t funny! My daddy is the mayor! I can’t go around doing black magic!

Profesor Shane: Okay, two things. One, that’s stupid. Two, expression isn’t black magic, it’s just … naughty magic. Naughty magic with no stops or limitations, which will slowly creep into your brain and turn you, hopefully, into the thing Team Elena has to kill right before taking on Silas in a special effects extravaganza of a season finale!

Bonnie Bennett: Oh, okay then!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I told Stefan that I’m in love with you and not him!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I aided and abetted the murder of an innocent pizza delivery girl!

Elena Gilbert: Oh well, omelets and eggs, and I right? So can I come over and sex the hell out of you now?

Damon Salvatore: You sure can!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! Since you hate your brother and my motives are of questionable morality, why don’t we team up?

Rebekah: Can we have hate sex? I’ll let you call me Elena. I’ll even dye my hair.

Stefan Salvatore: Deal!

April Young: Hi guys! I just thought you’d like to know that Professor Shane tricked my dad into killing the entire Council, and that he’s planning to unleash uneneding horror on the world in a misguided attempt to reclaim his lost family.

Rudy Hopkins: Oh yeah, we know.

April Young: Wait, what?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: But don’t worry little lady, with us on the job no one will ever know how much danger they’re in!

April Young: Wow, you guys are an special kind of dumb, aren’t you?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hey, what’s with all the fresh corpses?

Klaus: Corpses? These aren’t corpses … they’re vampires!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Um, doesn’t that technically make them corpses anyway?

Damon Salvatore: Oh shut up and get me back into your sisters panties already!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Okay, two things. One: ew. Two: wasn’t she going to meet you at the lake house tonight?

Damon Salvatore: …oh.

Elena Gilbert: Damon? Damon, where are you? Damon, I’m wearing those underwear you like! You know, the ones that don’t exist? Damon? Hello?

The Plot: Thickens.

This episode was very much a “hey guys, remember us?” episode. Lot’s of exposition and catching up, but more of it was done in a plot-believable way. Rebekah didn’t know what had been going on while she was taking the big dirt nap, after all, and she is catty/gossipy enough to want all the deets. Still, for people obsessed enough with this show to devote five thousand words a week to it, it was a lot of refresher.

Of course, one big thing did happen … no, not Damon going over to the Dark Side. I’m talking about the latest nail in the Stelena coffin. I really thought the show was going to drag out the whole “ Elena loves Stefan and Damon” thing for a while, if only to avoid losing half the show’s fanbase.

Well, Julie Plec and company doused that idea in gasoline, lit it on fire, and danced around it while laughing manically. You could literally hear the thirteen year old girls wailing when Elena, forced to tell the truth, told Stefan she didn’t love him any more, and that it wasn’t because of the Sire bond. Yeah yeah yeah, she might believe that’s true but be wrong, whatever. I’m pretty sure this is the show runners telling us, definitively, that Delena is the new status quo.

Not that I really care. The love triangle has always been the least interesting part of this show, for me.

What is interesting, though, is how the Sire bond will change how Elena views Damon’s return to the wanton slaughter of earlier seasons. He might not have actually killed all the people in that dive bar, but he was at least complicit in it. In the past the sheer force of Elena’s moral indignation would have popped a blood vessel. But now? Now I think she’s going to be okay with it, because she can’t not agree with Damon. She’s going to back him up, even though she hates it. She might even help. That has my interest, far more so than the rape plot this could have turned into.

Shane’s plans have been revealed, and I don’t think anyone is that surprised that he’s looking for Silas in order to raise his family from the dead, or at the fact that even the Originals are peeing their pants fear. I hope this plot kicks into high gear soon … it promises to be a lot more interesting that all the Sire bond shenanigans.

A lot of books on writing and characterization tell you that no one thinks their the bad guy. You almost never see someone who’s pure evil just for the hell of it, at least outside of a slasher movie. That’s true with Shane as well. He has noble motives – get his family back – and the added justification of believing that his murders are only temporary. Shane said that everyone who was sacrificed in Silas’ name will be raised right alongside the necromancer. The fact that they’re almost certainly going to come back as flesh-devouring zombies or something probably hasn’t occurred to him.

Big news: the CW has announced that they’re considering spinning off the Originals into their own TV Show. I think this is fantastic, both for JoMo and family (yay more Originals! Yay Elijah?) but also for TVD.

TVD is at its best when it focuses on Damon and Stefan. That’s what the show is about, and while a lot of the other characters and plots are fantastic, the show is always careful to bring things back to the Salvatores.

The Originals make that hard. One, because they’re such interesting, dynamic characters. Klaus steals damn near every scene he’s in, and the mere mention of Elijah’s name will set panties afire. Spinning them off into a separate show will give TVD the room it needs to breathe. Two, the longer Klaus sticks around Mystic Falls, the more it becomes clear that the Salvatores really aren’t capable of defeating him … and that Klaus really isn’t as evil as he seems. He isn’t really the Big Bad anymore, he’s just kinda naughty. Moving to New Orleans will let him stretch his evil wings a bit.

Finally, I love Phoebe Tonkin, but it’s pretty clear that she has more chemistry with JoMo than any of the other cast members. Sending her down to Louisiana with Klaus is a fantastic decision.

And last but not least, we have some sad news. Price Peterson announced he is leaving the recapping business to focus on his own, new series, an animated show called Supernatural. Price is the best recapper in the business, and his weekly contribution will be sadly missed … though I do look forward to seeing just what he can pull off with his own mythology to play with.

Good luck, Price!