Vampire Diaries – S04E16 – Bring It On

Vinny the Vampire: Hi Hayley! Katherine Pierce sends her regards!

Hayley: 🙁

Klaus: Hi Vinny! Do you know what happens when a vampire gets bitten by a werewolf?

Vinny the Vampire: :-(=

Hayley: Thanks for saving my life, Klaus! If only I had a big, strong hybrid with dashing good looks and an unerring sense of fashion and maybe an art gallery or two to protect me full time!

Klaus: All this and more can be yours … if you give me something in return!

Hayley: ( * )( * )

Klaus: I was actually thinking “information on Katherine Pierce,” but that’ll do for now.

The Lady of the Manor: Yay! Fayley is back! And so are Fayley’s boobs!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Salvaores! Since the new Mayor, who still wasn’t actually elected, put vervain in the water, I came over here to take a shower! I’m wearing a fluffy pink robe!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Salvatores! Since dignity and shame got turned off along with sorrow, guilt, and empathy, I’m strutting around naked!

Damon Salvatore: …I’ll be in my bunk.

Stefan Salvatore: Can I come too?

Caroline Forbes: …I may have made a mistake somewhere.

The Lady of the Manor: Ooh! Are Elena and Carolien going to lez out? OH! OR CAROLINE AND FAYLEY!

Thomas: Caroline + Klaus + Hayley = pretty much everyone possible gets satisfied.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I know I’ve been leaving you voice mails every fifteen minutes since you left town, fleeing in sheer terror from my other boyfriend – Klaus, not Stefan – who totally wants to murder you, and that my even mentioning your name puts you and me in terrible danger, but Elena stole the batteries out of Mr. Shakey, so …

Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! I just stopped by to mention we have another regular cast member named Bonnie! She’s a super powerful witch! And possibly going to unleash a zombie apocalypse on us! But she’s also very busy with her music career and won’t be appearing in this episode!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Can you get me a spot on the cheer squad!

Caroline Forbes: Of course I can! Damon will be so happy!

Elena Gilbert: Yes. Damon. I am doing this for Damon. Totally not going to eat the competition, because of Damon. 0:-)=

Damon Salvatore: Hi Klaus! I realize you should tear my cold, dead heart from my chest before I even finish this sentence, so let me get right to the point: I’ll help you catch Katherine so we can give the cure to Elena instead of Katherine forcing it on you, and you let all of us live. All I need is some quality alone time with Haley. Deal?

Klaus: Sorry mate, Hayley isn’t going to be able to talk to you with a mouth full of my meat.

Damon Salvatore: …

Klaus: I made this lovely brisket for dinner, and since she’s been subsisting on reheated truck stop hot dogs for the past month, she’s just dying for a good home-cooked meal.

Damon Salvatore: Right then, I’ll just see myself out.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Stefan! So a wacky thing happened last night: someone broke into the hospital and stole our town’s entire supply of blood! And since rabid gopher attacks are so inexplicably common in Mystic Falls, a lot of people are really afraid! Do you know anyone who might be responsible? Someone who hasn’t had a good meal in a thousand years? Perhaps a recently-revived zombiepire?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope, nobody comes to mind! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go lecture my ex-girlfriend about the dangers of fun!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m so glad your cheerleader’s uniform still fits!

Elena Gilbert: I’m dead you dumb bitch. It’s not like I’m gonna get chubby.

The Lady of the Manor: I do not approve on minis and sneakers in the same outfit.

Becky Booster: Oh no, I left my makeup bag on the bus! Which is parked several blocks from here! In an abandoned warehouse! In the dark!

Elena Gilbert: :-)=

The Lady of the Manor: And why does this girl have a 49ers logo on her boobs?

Every Man in the Audience: Shut it!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Do you like my new hair ribbon? And my new shoes? And my new credit card, which says Becky Booster on it and I have to use real quick before it gets deactivated?

Caroline Forbes: Elena! What did Damon tell you about feeding on the competition?!?

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know, what did Stefan tell you about how Klaus’ butt tastes?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hey Damon … You know how Elena has to do what you say because of the sire bond? And you know how the sire bond is based on her feelings for you? And you know how you told her to shut her feelings off?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): …I really did not think that through, did I?

Rebekah: Hi Damon! Klaus gave me some of his blood so you can heal the vampire he bit so she can lead us to Katherine so you can heal Elena so Klaus can stay invulnerable so we should team up!

Damon Salvatore: Um … why didn’t Klaus just give me his blood?

Rebekah: They’re trying to get my screen time up to prep for The Originals, mostly.

Klaus: So, now that you’re rested and fed and not murdered, why don’t you tell me all about Katherine!

Hayley: Well I was in New Orleans, looking for info on my birth parents, who are from New Orleans, and I ran into Katherine, who was visiting New Orleans, and she said that if I helped her find the cure and murder you, she’d bring me back to New Orleans and tell me all about my New Orleans parents. In New Orleans.

Klaus: You know, when all of this is over, I feel like we’re going to have to take a trip to New Orleans!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Someone broke into the hospital and stole all of the blood bags, and since I am seemingly incapable of remembering the latest atrocity we’ve unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, I assume it was you!

Elena Gilbert: Sorry Stefan, I’m way too busy giving out lesbian fang marks to break into the hospital! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drop Caroline on her head.

Caroline Forbes: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: :-)=

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I admire your gumption! Your plotting, your fanging, your Mean Girl spirit … there’s just one thing. You don’t know where the real action is! I know this dive bar just outside of town where the whiskey’s cheap, the girls are cheaper, and there’s no much blood on the floor already that they won’t even notice you opening up an artery!

Elena Gilbert: Why Stefan Salvatore, are you becoming insteresting again?

Stefan Salvatore: Hahaha no way I’m still terrible LOL vervain darts for everyone!

Rebekah: Why do you think the vampire’s in the hospital again?

Damon Salvatore: Because unlike us, he suffers form some classic vampire weaknesses, like sunlight and a need for blood! And the hospital has plenty of dark areas and plenty of … empty blood coolers.

Rebekah: Wow, who could have possibly stolen all of the blood in Mystic Falls?

Damon Salvatore: Really? Does no one remember that we set Silas free last episode?

Rebekah: Anyway, why are you so keen to cure Elena? Aren’t you afraid that her human emotions will drive her right back into Stefan’s bed arms?

Damon Salvatore: Baby, once you go Damon, you never go … Complainin’?

Rebekah: I’ll be in the car while you figure this out.

Hayley: Hi Klaus! Your paintings all suck!

The Lady of the Manor: She could be an art professor!

Klaus: Hi Hayley! I’m going to track down your boyfriend and kill him in a slow, torturous manner!

Hayley: You mean like you killed Katherine five hundred years … oh wait, you suck at revenge as much as you suck at art.

Klaus: Am I the only one who feels some hate sex brewing?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I hope you had a nice nap! At least I assume that’s what happens when you inject battery acid into someone’s veins!

Elena Gilbert: It was quite restful, actually! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prance around naked at invite the entire town over for drinks!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement iPhone: Kegger at the creepy vampire mansion on the edge of town! Bring all of your underage friends, cheap beer, and illegal drugs! The more of you that show up, the less likely it is you're the one that's gonna get eaten! -XOXO Elena :-)=

The Lady of the Manor: Stefan makes an awesome lame dad.

Stefan Salvatore: This sucks! There are all these people in my house! And they’re either going to drink all my booze, or Damon’s going to come home, murder everyone, and make me clean up the mess!

Caroline Forbes: Stefan, you’re in a party filled with hot, drunk girls. For the love of all that’s holy, will you please pull the stick out of your ass and get laid tonight?

Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Super Stefan grabbing Caroline and throwing her over my shoulder like a caveman powers acivate!

Caroline Forbes: Stefan! I didn’t mean me! I totally meant me.

Damon Salvatore: Good evening kind lady! :-)=

Rebekah: Um … why are you snaking on the night nurse again?

Damon Salvatore: Because the vampire Klaus ate is going to be starving due to werewolf rabies, and now that Nurse Ratchet over there is wandering around bleeding, he’s going to-

Vinny the Vampire: Damon! Hey Damon! Long time no see! Remember that time we-

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire ripping out a heart and shutting down an awkward revelation about my still-mysterious past powers activate!

Klaus: Good news Heyley! In a turn of events that I’m really going to have to think more carefully about in the near future, Damon murdered the vampire who was sent to kill you and was his best chance at both staying alive and getting back into Elena’s pants! Which means you’re free to go!

Hayley: Thank God! I mean, what with all of this lavish living and amazing food and seering sexual tension, the only way you could keep me here would be to tie me up!

Klaus: …

Hayley: Seriously, tie me up. I have handcuffs in my purse if you need them. And all these clothes I’m still wearing? Totally your fault.

The Lady of the Manor: I was all turned on until I realized Klaus has the same bird tattoo all the moms on Pinterist want.

Stefan Salvatore: What is this feeling? Is this fun! I’m so afraid!

Caroline Forbes: It’s all right Stefan! I’ll protect you! Let’s go hide beneath your covers! And take off all our clothes, so we don’t get too hot!

Elena Gilbert: That’s actually a really good idea. He was always way less broody when I let him stick a stake in me, if you know what I mean.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena! I am so very grumpy right now!

Caroline Forbes: Really? Because I have first-hand information on how we could solve that problem …

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Elena Merryweather Gilbert! What is going on here?!?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, just some underage drinking, a bit of drug use, and my ex fang banging your daughter in the closet. You better make a big fuss about it!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: No, that’s cool, I’m really not into this whole “law enforcement” thing, so-

Elena Gilbert: I’ll just bit you as a distraction instead? Super Elena biting the sheriff and then running like the wind so I can bite someone else too powers activate!

Rebekah: Damon Salvatore! I am no fool! I know you killed that vampire to prevent me from finding Katherine to prevent me from getting the cure!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, two things. One, yes, you clearly are a fool. And two, why in the bleeding hell do you want to be human again anyway? So you can worry about a job and a mortgage and a baby pooping all over you and everything you own? So you can get old a wrinkly and saggy? So you can get gray hair and crow’s feet and fuck I’m depressed now BRB gonna eat a cheerleader.

Caroline Forbes: Elena Goldilocks Gilbert! You come out here and go back to your room right now, or so help me god I am going to kick your ass!

Elena Gilbert: Oh really? Because Alaric Saltzman, Alcoholic History Teacher and Semi-Immortal (until very recently) Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire, taught me how to fight vampires when I was still human. And the only thing you ever learned in school was how not to gag on-

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire ass kicking powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Super Evilenea I’m a vampire with ninja skills bitch powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon rushing in at the last second and saving the day with a bear hug powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Struggle! Tustle! Shimmy!

Damon Salvatore: Under any other circumstances … oh who am I kidding, I am so turned on right now.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Tyler! Me again! You’re never going to guess what happened tonight! I almost got laid! By Stefan! But then Elena tried to help! But ended up cock blocking me! But I still got some wood! Except it was from Elena! And it really hurt! Because it went in my gut! And that’s not a double entendre like you probably think!

Elena Gilbert: How long are you going to keep me in here? Because unless you’re about to rip my clothes off-

Damon Salvatore: This goes against everything I stand for, but no, I am not going to rip your clothes off. Instead, I am going to babysit you until you don’t want to murder anyone.

Elena Gilbert: Oh come on! You’re a terrible person, I’m a terrible person, but I bet we’ll have terrific sex!

Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! Come on in! I have to invite you, because Tyler gave me his house and Magic Barriers of Vampire Banning are oddly legalistic! He also left me a note for you!

Dear Caroline,

Please, for the love of Jesus, stop calling me! Eleven people have tried to murder me since lunch. I seriously can’t take it anymore. Have sex with Stefan. Coitus with Klaus. Hell, have a euphemism with Elena. I don’t care. Just please stop trying to get me killed.

-XOXO Tyler

Klaus: Hi Hayley! Thanks for all the sex! And speaking of nudity … did you know that your birthmark betrays a completely unforeseeable secret past? A secret burried deep in the bogs of … New Orleans!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! Every hospital in a thousand miles has been robbed of their blood supply! I kind of think maybe the evil necrozombiepire thing we unleashed last episode might be hungry!

Damon Salvatore: That’s cool! I’ll deal with that right after I get back from my road trip with Elena!

Elena Gilbert: We’re gonna eat our way through New …

Damon Salvatore: York!

Thomas: Oh thank Christ.

The Plot: Thickens.

This episode kept every promise the last episode made. Hell, every promise made since Elena became a vampire. This was pretty much eactly what I wanted to see. Elena drinking. Elena dancing. Elena snarking. Elena giving exactly zero shits. Elena outsmarting everybody. And Elena eating a goddamn cheerleader.

Elena just became the voice of the show, playing the role that Damon normally takes. And the best part is, her insight is about herself. With the switch flipped, she’s able to admit that she was scared and lonely and kind of dumb, and she’s willing to point out those flaws in everyone else, too. And then go eat a cheerleader.

I love love love that Alaric’s training was cited as the reason Elena was able to take on Caroline. One, because yay Alaric shout-out. It’s nice to know he hasn’t been forgotten, especially since Cult has been moved to Fridays at 9pm. Two, because it makes sense. Elena was capable of (occasionally) taking on and even taking out vampires when she was human because of Alaric’s training. Now that she’s got his training and a vampire’s physical prowess … she is going to be one tough bitch.

Dropping Caroline on her head was kind of silly, if for no other reason than Caroline should have been able to Super Vampire Reflexes her way out of it. But Elena calling Caroline on wanting to ride Klaus all the way to Magic Mountain? Ice cold, and absolutely true.

I also love that Evilena is goddamn brilliant. Her plans, from getting back on the cheer squad to throwing a spur of the moment kegger to making sure the sheriff showed up, went flawlessly … and were all designed around sating her own bloodlust. If she decided to go from “I’m hungry, GTFO of my way please” to full on bad guy, Evilena would be the most competent villain the Mystic Falls gang has faced.

Caroline + Stefan = True Love. That girl is straight up living the Bad Boy Redemption Fantasy. She’s got a hot, worldly boy who just happens to be a serial killer, and the only one who seems to be able to help him is her. The only one he trusts himself around is her. The only one he can have a good time with and not wake up surrounded with body parts is her. And they have mazing chemistry together. Steroline needs to happen.

Speaking of, here are my current Official One True Pairs:

Stefan + Caroline
Damon + Katherine
Klaus + Hayley (shut up I love her and I love them and I will cut you)
Matt + Obamacare
Bonnie + The Zombie Apocalypse
Elena + Every cheerleader she can find

Klaus and Hayley are delightfully twisted, and they definitely share a common kink. She didn’t exactly ask Klaus to tie her up and slap her ass, but you could tell she wouldn’t mind if he did. I literally have no idea why people don’t love those two together, unless they’re still riding the SS Klaroline straight to the bottom of Lake Borgne.

And the people who are going off on how the scene between Klaus and Hayley was rapey? I just … I don’t even. Look, folks: some people don’t like it vanilla.

It’s honestly kind of touching how Caroline and Stefan aren’t giving up on Elena. It’s less touching how Elena told Damon that it’s all right that he’s a sociopathic fuckup. “It’s cool that you’re terrible! I am too!”

Damn but I loved this episode.