The Vampire Diaries – Welcome to Paradise (S06E03)

Dorm Rooms of Doom

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Damon is a poopeyhead and I want to do jello shots off a cute girl’s stomach! You need to come to the party with me!

Caroline Forbes: Actually I was thinking about doing something that doesn’t revolve around you for a change! Specifically, I was thinking about doing Enzo!

Elena Gilbert: That’s stupid! Everybody knows I’m the most important thing in the universe! Also I will totally destroy the last remaining shreds of your life if you don’t do what I want!

Caroline Forbes: Well when you put it that way, of course I’ll bow to your every whim!

Vestibule of Vigilante Vengeance

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): I think Alaric broke Elena’s brain!

Matt Donovan (on the phone): That’s silly! She’s always been a self-centered nincompoop!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): No, I’m talking about how she isn’t in love with the mass murdering psychopath that murdered her brother that one time anymore!

Matt Donovan (on the phone): Yeah, I’m still not seeing the problem here.

Tripp Fell: Hi Matt! My van is filled with body parts and blood! I mean farm equipment!

Matt Donovan: Dude, relax. Here in Mystic Falls, we’re totally cool with mass murderer!

Tripp Fell: That’s going to make my evil plans way easier!

Matt Donovan: I know! It’s like the people in this town lack the basic psychological drives common to all of humanity!

Castle Salvatore

Sarah: This place is amazing! I want to pretend my daddy lives here!

Jeremy Gilbert: You can call me daddy!

Sarah: Speaking of, we need to talk about the pregnancy test I took this morning …

Whitmore College of Carnage

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Liv! Can we borrow a ton of alcohol for our kegger tonight?

Liv Parker: Rawr I kill you with my fierceness!

Luke Parker: Hello everybody! I am here to cut through the confusion and let everybody know that Liv is indeed playing hard to get, and will definitely sleep with Tyler, but only when that act of carnal bonding can cause intense emotional pain to one of the other cast members! Also I’m a drug dealer.

***

Elena Gilbert: Hi Liam! I’m going to call you names and pull your pigtails and show you gross bugs until you like me!

Liam: Um, Elena? This is college. In college, people just have sex.

Elena Gilbert: That sounds way easier!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m here to vastly complicate your life again!

Elena Gilbert: claps like a seal

May 10 1994 – Again

Damon Salvatore: Bicker!

Bonnie Bennett: Fight!

Damon Salvatore: Bitch!

Bonnie Bennett: Moan!

Damon Salvatore: So is it time to have a bunch of sex yet?

Bonnie Bennett: No, we have to wait until sweeps!

Whitmore College of Carnage

Elena Gilbert: I love college! I’m learning so much! Like the best way to treat a broken ankle is to give them my blood! And the best way to treat a heart attack is to give them my blood! And the best way to treat a stab wound is to give them my blood!

Stefan Salvatore: You do realize that’s likely to lead to the creation of a massive number of bloodthirsty vampires, lost, alone, and confused, with no one to teach them how to control their terrible urges and violent emotions, right?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t be silly, Stefan! They’ll have the most stable and sensible vampire teacher of all time! Me!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s great! Hey, speaking of terrible ideas, do you know where Enzo is? I want to draw him into a game of cat and mouse that will inevitably cause the deaths of dozens of innocents until I finally forget why I’m mad at him and probably team up with him to defeat a greater evil.

Elena Gilbert: I’ll invite him to our kegger!

Stefan Salvatore: Excellent.

Diabolic Diner

Enzo: Hi Caroline! I just murdered a waitress!

Caroline Forbes: God damn it Enzo!

Enzo: Okay, I know that you’re still a new vampire, and you haven’t yet adjusted to the fleeting nature of mortal life. But trust me, one day you will realize that humans are unimpo–

Caroline Forbes: Do you know how many forms I have to fill out to cover up a murder? Two! Two forms! I have to fill out two pieces of paper every time one of my friends, who are ostensibly the good guys, murder some hapless innocent! But does anybody care? Of course not! Hey, there’s Caroline! Covering up our murders again! What a good friend! Enzo, I am tired of being taken advantage of! You have to realize that I am a real person with real feelings, and it isn’t right for you to take advantage of me by leaving me to clean up the corpses of your innocent victims!

Enzo: Terribly sorry. I shall endeavor to be more considerate of your feelings when committing wanton murder and wholesale slaughter.

Caroline Forbes: You better! Because I only sleep with polite murderers!

May 10 1994 – Again

Bonnie Bennett: I think someone else is trapped in here with us! And despite the fact that they’re sneaking around like some kind of creepy stalker, making subtle changes to our environment that are either designed to hint at their presence of slowly drive us mad, I’m pretty sure they’re the good guys! Also I found your car.

Damon Salvatore: For some reason, I am extremely excited about having a muscle car to drive to nowhere because we’re trapped in the same repeating day in the same small town forever! Vroom vroom!

Highway to Hell

Elena Gilbert: Liam, you’re going to love Caroline! She’s the best!

Stefan Salvatore: She’s kind!

Elena Gilbert: And considerate!

Stefan Salvatore: And caring!

Elena Gilbert: And uplifting!

Stefan Salvatore: And she has a cute mole on her left butt cheek!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, how do you know that?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, how do you know that?

Liam: So you’re saying there’s a chance for a foursome here?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, yeah, no, we don’t sleep together anymore.

May 10 1994 – Again

Bonnie Bennett: Hey, do you remember how you and Elena needlessly murdered yourselves in this car, and then forced me to undergo horrible agony to bring you back to life?

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that was fun. Hey, you want to go chase down that flickering motion I saw out of the corner of my eye?

Bonnie Bennett: Do I look like a dog to you?

Damon Salvatore: Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but …

Camp Open Artery

Liam: Wow! This lake is almost as big as the pool in my backyard!

Elena Gilbert: You are such a braggart! But now it’s my turn to brag!

Liam: Um … you’re just standing there in your bikini.

Elena Gilbert: I am fairly confident that this is bragging enough, thank you very much.

***

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Elena! I’m making out with this girl whose name I can’t remember!

Elena Gilbert: Jeremy Gosh Darn Gilbert! Why are you making out with the girl I bit a ton last week?!?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because that’s a great precursor to sexing her a bunch?

***

Caroline Forbes: Look into my eyes and go get ice! For plot important reasons!

That Girl: Okay!

***

JJ: I think that all these supposed “animal attacks” are a cover for something more sinister!

Tyler Lockwood: I think they’re entirely plausible!

JJ: Fuck you that is the stupidest goddamn thing I have ever fucking heard and I am going to rip your mother humping face off and piss on the gore-covered mass of sharp cheek bones and piercing eyes you call a skull!

Tyler Lockwood: Oh yeah well if it isn’t clear already I have anger issues because of my werewolf gene and hey Matt didn’t I almost kill you that one time because of it LOL that’s funny, how often we almost murder each other!

Matt Donovan: I should have gone away to college.

***

Elena Gilbert: Hey guys, let’s all do shots to forget the fact that all our parents have been murdered, often by people one of us was sleeping with, and to mask the pain of fading youth and the inevitable separation that comes when juvenile friends grow up and make their own way in life!

Matt Donovan: Yeah, no, I’m the DD.

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, no, I’m like thirteen seconds form murdering someone because his hair is stupid.

Caroline Forbes: Your ex boyfriend won’t sleep with me because I remind him of how he wasted half a decade pretending to be seventeen or something, so yeah, alcohol me.

May 10 1994 – Again

Damon Salvatore: This sucks!

Bonnie Bennett: You should kill yourself!

Damon Salvatore: Nah, I’m gonna go hit up the liquor store and make an important, plot-advancing discovery!

Kai: Hi guys!

Camp Open Artery

Elena Gilbert: I’m super sorry that Caroline didn’t want to meet you, but she’s busy being angry at me for no good reason at all!

Liam: That’s okay, I’m way more interested in making little vampire babies with you!

Elena Gilbert: Liam! How dare you! What kind of girl do you think I am! I won’t sleep with you until you’ve murdered at least three people! And one of them better be my brother!

Forest of Fear

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire Enzo murdering powers activate!

Enzo: Super vampire bitch slap powers activate!

JJ: Plain old regular mortal vampire hunting powers activate!

Enzo: Hey, can we call a brief truce so we can murder the guy who would, on any other show, be the hero?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that works for me.

Camp Open Artery

Jeremy Gilbert: Caroline, you look sad. And you know what always cheers me up? Meaningless sex with someone whose name I can’t bother to remember because one of my friends will almost certainly murder her within three episodes!

Caroline Forbes: Why won’t anyone properly mourn with me?!?

Forest of Fear

Stefan Salvatore: Okay Enzo, time to die!

Caroline Forbes: Stefan, no! Enzo has done nothing wrong!

Enzo: Actually, I murdered his girlfriend and threw her corpse at him.

Caroline Forbes: Like I said, nothing wrong!

May 10 1994 – Again

Damon Salvatore: Okay kid, start talking before I start ripping your heart our through your nose.

Kai: Okay! But first, why don’t you have a drink of this top-shelf bourbon! I totally didn’t lace it with anti-vampire poison!

Damon Salvatore: I accept your in no way threatening offer!

Bonnie Bennett: You leave Damon alone, you big meanie!

Kai: Yeah, you? You are the most useless character on this show. You are a vacuum of fun. You’re always trying to convince people to stop murdering and compelling people to have sex and. You aren’t the gateway to *~*The Other Side*~* anymore. And you can’t even do magic.

Bonnie Bennett: Oh yeah? Well I. Can make fire. With my brain.

Kai: …oh god damn it.

Damon Salvatore: Sorry I called you the worst person every Bonnie! This guy is totally worse than you, which makes you the second worst person in the world! Also we should probably have a ton of sex now.

Bonnie Bennett: Maybe we should wait until the guy who just tried to kill us is safely restrained?

Damon Salvatore: You are such a prude.

Camp Open Artery

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Matt! Help me load these empty kegs into the truck!

Enzo: Sorry! I murdered one of your friends and I need your truck to bury the body!

Matt Donovan: …yeah, that sounds about right.

Forest of Fear

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Caroline! Please excuse me while I murder your not-boyfriend and then skip town again!

Caroline Forbes: I will sleep with you right now. Literally right here, up against that tree. All you have to do is say yes. Or don’t even say anything. Just take off your pants. Or don’t. Undo the zipper. Or stand there motionless while I undo your zipper. I will literally do anything you want, just please please please for the love of god love me.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, sorry, I’ve got a bunch of murder and brooding to do, so … rain check?

Elena Gilbert: He’s like that. You know what helps? Masturbation. Tons and tons of Masturbation.

Camp Open Artery

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, weren’t you supposed to be getting ice?

That Girl: Yeah, but when I got to the sip-n-serve I realized that Caroline is a bitch and I don’t want to do what she says!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s funny, based on your story I almost think that anyone who goes into the Mystic Falls No Magic Zone will be suddenly un-compelled, regaining their self-will and memories!

Caroline Forbes: But I compelled a girl to forget that Elena almost murdered her!

Elena Gilbert: Wait … you mean one of the central plot points of the season is going to come around to bight us in the ass?

Jeremy Gilbert: Boy, I sure hope Elena doesn’t cross into Mystic Falls and remember she loves Damon at a very inconvenient time!

May 10 1994 – Again

Damon Salvatore: Okay Kai, I’m gonna torture you a bunch!

Kai: No, wait! I only pretended to try and kill you in order to give Bonnie the proper motivation to recover her magic!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, I knew that already. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m super bored and still going to torture you a bunch.

Camp Open Artery

Matt Donovan: I can’t believe that one of my good friends was secretly a vampire hunter!

Tyler Lockwood: Wait, isn’t your season arc about turning away from the supernatural and protecting the innocent from the dark forces that would harm them?

Matt Donovan: Wait! What was that over there? I think it was you shutting your goddamn mouth!

Liv Parker: Hi Tyler! I’m a bitch! Doesn’t that make you want to hate-bang me?

Castle Salvatore

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hey Elena, your innocent victim got away.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Oh no! We must rally together to stop the scourge of an person who has done us no harm remembering how evil we are and escaping our nefarious clutches!

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Being the good guys is hard!

Dorm Rooms of Doom

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m back!

Elena Gilbert: Awesome! What classes are you taking?

Caroline Forbes: … … … HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Elena Gilbert: lol taking classes in college lol!

Caroline Forbes: Also I want to bang your ex. That’s cool, right?

Diabolic Diner

Enzo: Hi there, I’m an evil vampire!

Tripp Fell: Hello! I’m a vampire hunter, and also, for some reason, the bad guy!

Enzo: This would be a good time for me to tell you that I’m immune to vervain!

Stefan Salvatore: And this would be a good time for me to tell you that I just shot you in the back with a stake gun!

Tripp Fell: Thanks Stefan! Would you mind if I dragged Enzo off to an unnecessarily complicated death trap, from which he will inevitably escape, and then proceed to seek bloody vengeance on you, me, everyone we love, and very person who has so much as seen a cherry pie in the last decade?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds good. Later!

The Plot: Thickens.

Post Mortem

Can I just say how much I’m loving this season?

I love it when Stefan gets angry. Some of his best moments have been when he’s pushed far enough to let his calm facade slip, and a little bit of the Ripper comes out. Of course his best moments come when he flips his switch and goes batshit stabby, but for now I’m perfectly willing to watch him hoist his boss into the air with his throat, compel him to cover up a murder, and steal his car to go a’ murdering.

I am going to take a ton of shit for this, but I actually prefer it when Elena hates Damon.

… waits for it …

Okay, now that you’ve finished hurling invective at me and making spurious accusations about my sexual preferences, allow me to explain. Damon is my favorite character, but he works best as an anti-hero. When your favorite character is miserable, there’s great drama to be had. When your favorite character is in a happy, stably relationship, well …

So yeah. This show is about Elena’s Magic Vajayjay and how Everyone Wants to be In It, but the show grinds to a halt as soon as someone lands her. She makes the Salvatores too happy, and that sucks a lot of the tension out of the show.

Speaking of relationships that seem like a good idea but will end terribly, Bonnie has been pretty fucking awesome this season.

Bonnie is a hard character. She’s often been used as the voice of reason, or as I like to call it, the killjoy who wants us to stop relishing in all of the inappropriate sex and murder. She was also vastly overpowered; her magical abilities broke the power balance, and she should have been able to solo almost all of the threats the main cast faced. This meant they had to nerf her, which made her seem dumb and useless.

She’s got a much better deal this season. Her soon-to-be-hatesex banter with Damon is funny, and her power levels seem to be at “useful but not a deus ex machina” levels. Bonnie will be the key to getting everyone out of 1994, and I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a lot of tension between Elena, who now hates Damon, and Bonnie, who clearly wants to take a ride on his Mustang.

I hope they stretch out the will-they-or-won’t-they, because right now this is fun, but consummating the relationship would, like most television couples, ruin it.

My reasons for disliking Bonnie have never had anything to do with Kat Graham, and I’m thrilled that she’s finally getting a turn at a fun character.

I genuinely love how casually these people accept murder. The fact that killing someone might be wrong doesn’t even come up. It’s all about how they’re going to have to break from their busy schedule of skipping class to drink alcohol in the woods to make sure no one is capable of ratting on them. These are the most beautiful, attractive sociopaths on television.