Dredd

Judge Dredd: Mega City One. A sprawling concrete jungle stretching from Boston to Washington DC. Outside these walls, a nuclear wasteland bearing silent testament to the fact that playing chicken with the Soviets Iran was a bad idea. Inside, an open sewer of human failure. Ninety-nine percent unemployment. Food riots. Rationed health care. Violence, pornography, and drugs are the only refuge for the hope-starved masses. There is only one solution to this nightmare, only one way to lift the people of this city up from their squalor: shoot them in the face with exploding bullets. I am the man carrying those exploding bullets, and this is my story.

Judge Dredd: Control, this is Dredd! I am attempting to perform a routine traffic stop, but the suspects are uncooperative!

Control: Dredd, this is control. Did this traffic stop involve you shouting “I AM THE LAW” and shooting at everyone in the area?

Judge Dredd: Of course, control! I said it was routine!

Control: Dredd, do you require backup? Or perhaps warm milk and a nap?

Judge Dredd: Negative, control. Justice is my milk, and the long years served by jaywalkers and other felons is my nap time. I’ll handle this … my way.

Control: Sigh. All right, Dredd. We’ll dispatch a mop crew to your location.

Judge Dredd: Control, this is Dredd. In a completely unforeseeable turn of events, my high-speed pursuit slash roving gun battle has resulted in the deaths of thirteen civilians and a puppy! But fear not, I’m still tracking the last remaining perp!

Control: That’s great, Dredd. Try not to blow up Kitten Depot this time, all right?

Judge Dredd: THOSE KITTENS WERE SCRATCHING THE FURNITURE. THE FURNITURE OF JUSTICE!

Control: Jesus, Dredd.

Harry Hostage Taker: Okay Dredd! Let me go or I’ll blow this innocent civilian away!

Judge Dredd: You just made a fatal mistake, scum. You assume that just because I’m a man of law and order, sworn to protect the people of this city, that I’ll let a little something like “innocent casualties” stay my hand! In fact, only one thing will stop me from delivering cold, hard justice!

Harry Hostage Taker: What’s that?

Judge Dredd: I really want to try out this new flaregun round. Eat white hot justice, perp!

Harry Hostage Taker: Dies. Messily.

Chief Judge: So Dredd, what do you think?

Judge Dredd: I think it’s a testament to the forward progress of this crime-ridden hellhole that an African American woman can become Chief Judge.

Chief Judge: No, I mean about the cute blonde on the other side of this one-way mirror.

Judge Dredd: Oh, him. Well, he’s got soft, feminine features, but we can cover those up with a helmet. Delicate chin, no good for taking a punch. Tiny hands, won’t be able to control his weapon. Short stature, hard for him to intimidate perps.

Chief Judge: Dredd, that’s a girl.

Judge Dredd: Jesus, two of you? What the hell has happened to the Hall of Justice?

Chief Judge: Well, by casting me the producers were hoping to prevent accusations of this being a complete fascist wet dream, and by casting her they were hoping to bring in the coveted “God I hope I get to see her boobs” demographic.

Judge Dredd: Hmm, behavioral profiling. I approve.

Chief Judge: Also, growing up in a radioactive hellhole has caused certain mutations in her DNA. And unlike most mutants, instead of a third arm, she has blonde hair and psychic abilities!

Judge Dredd: …

Judge Anderson: Hi Mister Dredd! Let me read your mind. Okay, so I’m seeing a raging douchebag, with anger management and control issues, a tendency to violent outbursts, a passion for the legal system that borders of fetishism, a complete subjugation of everything that is human inside of you, and something about pink, frilly-

Judge Dredd: That’s quite enough, Judge Anderson!

Chief Judge: Okay, you two have fun on your evaluation! Sure hope you don’t get trapped inside a high rise by a psychotic gang of drug dealers or anything!

Judge Anderson: Wow, that was oddly specific! Are you psychic, too?

Judge Dredd: All right, rookie, welcome to your first day on the job. As you know, twenty percent of all Judges are murdered within their first week.

Judge Anderson: Wow, that sounds like a systemic problem, Mister Dredd! Someone ought to look into that!

Judge Dredd: …furthermore, half of the ones who live fail their evaluation. And beyond that, one hundred percent of the Judges I have evaluated have failed. Fifty percent of them go on to respectable careers in food service or garbage collection. Thirty percent of them are, to this day, sobbing uncontrollably and frequently shitting themselves. The remainder are all in the iso-cubes, because of crimes committed right in front of my behelmeted face.

Judge Anderson: But Mister Dredd, how can anything a Judge does be illegal, when the Judges write the laws on-the-spot?

Judge Dredd: …Failure to properly sentence a perp will result in your failure. Failure to carry out sentence on a perp will result in your failure. Failure to maintain control of your weapon will result in your failure. You do have your Law Giver gun, correct?

Judge Anderson: I sure do! I thought it was a little too macho and serious, so I painted it pink!

Judge Dredd: …I hate you so much.

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd, have you ever seen The Dark Knight? Because you sound an awful lot like-

Judge Dredd: Shut it, Anderson.

Judge Anderson: I’m just saying, Christian Ba-

Judge Dredd: Get on your bike, Anderson.

Judge Anderson: But you really-

Judge Dredd: God damn it Anderson, if you don’t shut your pouty little mouth this second, I will charge and convict you of noise pollution, which now carries a mandatory sentence of me shooting you in the face.

Judge Anderson: But Mister Dredd, wouldn’t shooting me cause even more noise?

Judge Dredd: …

Judge Anderson: Getting on my bike now!

Kay: Hi MaMa! I found these three guys trying to resell our drugs at a higher price on my floor!

MaMa: Well if there’s anything I hate, it’s capitalism. Tell you what, give them all a hit of this neat new “Make Time Slow Down” drug, skin them alive, then throw them over the balcony. The splatter pattern on the ground floor should be enough of a warning to anyone else thinking about making “money” off of our “product.”

Caleb: But MaMa, won’t that kind of grisly crime draw the attention of the Judges, the one organization that could threaten our very profitable crime syndicate?

MaMa: Judges? Please, like they’d ever set foot in this hell hole.

Judge Dredd: All right, rookie. There are twelve serious crimes reported every minute. 17,280 per day. We’re able to respond to roughly six percent. So which crime scene do we visit first?

Judge Anderson: Mister Dredd! There’s a kitten stuck in a tree on West 123,476th street!

Judge Dredd: …

Judge Anderson: Or we could hit up the triple homicide in Peach Trees, I guess. Jerk.

Judge Dredd: Okay, what can you tell us?

Medical Examiner of Exposition: Well, these three guys were skinned alive and thrown off a two hundred story building. Also, my medical database comes with a complete who’s who of the criminal underworld, so I can tell you that this block is controlled by a woman called MaMa, who used to be a prostitute until she bit her pimp’s johnson off. I even have this nifty animated infographic about how she gained control of this entire block, floor by floor.

Judge Dredd: You have a lot of free time, don’t you?

Medical Examiner of Exposition: The robots do most of the work these days. They’ve even got a Roomba for blood now.

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? Does your communicator work in here?

Judge Dredd: No, rookie. There’s too much metal, concrete, and electricity for our comms to work.

Judge Anderson: Wow, that’s a neat bit of information! I bet that won’t come in handy later on!

Judge Dredd: You’re not wearing your helmet.

Judge Anderson: The helmet interferes with my psychic abilities, Mister Dredd!

Judge Dredd: A bullet would interfere with them more. For instance: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Perps One thought Fifteen: Die. In exquisite slow motion.

Judge Dredd: All right perp, you’re charged with the manufacture, possession, and sale of controlled substances, as well as the murder of three human beings and the theft of their skin, which carries a mandatory sentence of death. How do you plead?

Kay: Does it matter?

Judge Dredd: Not really. I just like giving people a few seconds of false hope. BO-

Judge Anderson: Mister Dredd, wait! My psychic abilities are telling me that this man is a plot device! We have to take him alive!

Judge Dredd: Fucking psychic and her fucking mutant DNA, fucking up my fucking investigations.

Judge Anderson: What was that, Mister Dredd?

Judge Dredd: I said, uh, fascinating psychic abilities, and fabulous mutant, and oh God damn it I just want to shoot someone! Fuck!

Judge Anderson: Do you need a hug, Mister Dredd?

Judge Dredd: The only hug I need is the warm embrace of my flack jacket, rookie.

Caleb: Hey MaMa? A couple of judges just arrested Kay, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell them all about our little empire of drugs and misery.

MaMa: Can that problem be solved with violence? That sounds like a problem that can be solved with violence. Let’s solve that problem with violence.

MaMa: Hi there, guy whose eyes I dug out with my own thumbs and then replaced with tiny little video cameras! How would you like a knife in your gut?

The Techie: Um, not at all?

MaMa: Well then I guess you better get me control of this entire building, shouldn’t you?

The Techie: Hey, um, Control? Yeah, this is Peach Trees. We’re, um, conducting a totally routine test of our “Holy Shit War Is Breaking Out Everyone Hide Behind Ten Feet of Solid Steel and Concrete” plans, so if you hear any gun fire, screams of pain, cries for mercy, and especially any distress signals from Judges, you should ignore them, okay?

Control: Copy, Peach Trees. Honestly, we’re still cleaning up the scene of Dredd’s traffic stop, so we wouldn’t be able to respond even if we wanted to.

Judge Anderson: That’s funny, Mister Dredd, I don’t remember those blast doors being shut when we walked through them!

MaMa (over the intercom): Hi Everybody! This is MaMa! Just a quick little favor … you see those two judges down there? First person to murder the shit out of them gets a free lifetime supply of SloMo and an all expenses paid vacation to Floor 69!

Judge Anderson: Wow, I sure wouldn’t want to be those guys! I bet-

Judge Dredd: …

Judge Anderson: Oh. Poop.

A Roving Band of Hillbilly Hunters: Be werry werry qwiet, We’re hunting Judges!

Judge Dredd (via Speaker-Ball-Flash-Grenade(TM)): Citizens! Put down your weapons and surrender peacefully!

A Roving Band of Hillbilly Hunters: He’s over there! Shoot him!

Judge Dredd: Actually, I’m right behind BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM you.

Judge Anderson: BOOM.

Judge Dredd: That pink gun actually works, huh?

Judge Anderson: I got one! I got one!

Medical Examiner of Exposition: Hey guys? Could you get out of here before people start thinking we’re working together?

Judge Dredd: Are you embarrassed to be seen helping the law, citizen?

Medical Examiner of Exposition: I’m embarrassed to be seen helping a guy with thirty rounds of ammunition take on a building filled with thirty thousand people who want him dead.

Judge Dredd: Pessimism is now a crime punishable by-

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? Are those gattaling guns they’re setting up over there?

Judge Dredd: …I guess it’s your lucky day, perp.

MaMa and the Gang: Hi Judge Dredd! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

The Citizens of Floor 76: SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!

Judge Dredd: Thank Justice that I received top marks in Level Three Bullet Dodging! Otherwise, that unsurvivable torrent of hell and pain would have seriously impeded my investigation!

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? All those bullets opened up a small hole in the wall! Maybe our comms will work now?

Judge Dredd: Good eye, rookie! That small hole may indeed be enough of an opening for our communications gear. But you know what they say …

Judge Anderson: Guys who own huge guns are typically compensating for some perceived shortcoming?

Judge Dredd: The only thing better than a small hole is a big hole, made with my Law Giver’s High Explosive Ammunition! BOOM!

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? If you have a rocket launcher in your pants-

Kay: Snicker.

Judge Anderson: Why didn’t you just blow up MaMa and her gang from here?

Judge Dredd: …Shut up, rookie. Control, this is Dredd. I’m issuing an emergency override of the War Gams protocol in Peach Trees, and sending a request for immediate assistance. We have Judges under fire here, Control.

Control: Roger that, Dredd. Unfortunately, it’s going to take us until approximately the end of the movie to regain control of Peach Tree’s systems.

Judge Dredd: All right, rookie, you heard the lady. Backup’s coming, but it’s gonna be a while. What are our options?

Judge Anderson: Well, we could stay on the move, so as not to get pinned down. Or we could find a sheltered location, hunker down, and defend ourselves until help arrives.

Judge Dredd: …Or?

Judge Anderson: Or we could go on a suicide run, trying to climb one hundred and twenty two floors, avoid capture, dodge all of the bullets, and manage to kill five thousand people with ten rounds. I guess.

Judge Dredd: That’s my girl.

Judge Dredd: All right, perp! Gut punch! Tell us everything you know about MaMa’s operation! Face stomp! And why you’re so valuable to her! Groin smash!

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? If you let me use my psychic abilities, I could get very reliable information without the need to brutalize a suspect who has not technically been convicted of anything yet.

Judge Dredd: …Fine.

Kay: Hey, we’re in my brain, right? So I can imagine you naked, on your knees, and giving me a Legal Eagle?

Judge Anderson: You can, but I can use my psychic abilities to turn that into an image of Lena Headey.

Kay: Still a pretty good deal.

Judge Anderson: Lena Headey, with a prosthetic scar all across her face, and fake meth teeth, and biting your hugo off, just for good measure.

Kay: Okay, I’m less excited about that.

Terry the Twelve Year Old: Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s steal our daddy’s guns and threaten the Judges with ’em!

Phil the Fourteen Year Old: That’s a great plan! Hey Dredd! Stop or we’ll shoot.

Judge Dredd: Shoot? Don’t mind if I do! STUN STUN STUN STUN STUN STUN STUN!

Terry the Twelve Year Old and Phil the Fourteen Year Old: Spam uncontrollably.

Kay: Ah ha! Just the distraction I needed to get control of this pretty pink gun!

Judge Anderson: Um, you might not want to-

Kay: Shut up! You shut up and get in the elevator and come with me so I can rape you all nice and proper!

Judge Anderson: …If you say so, I guess.

Kay: Hey MaMa! I caught a Judge! Can I rape her a ton?

MaMa: Um, since I want this to look like a drug bust gone bad, and not a systematic hunt-capture-rape-and-kill fest, no. Go put her in the freezer.

Judge Anderson: You guys do know that a bunch of my buddies are going to show up any minute now, right?

Judge Lex: Hey, did someone order a bunch of Judges?

Judge Anderson: Yay!

Judge Lex: A bunch of corrupt Judges?

Judge Anderson: Boo!

MaMa’s Hired Guns: Hey look, behind that frosted glass! A silhouette that is in no way the corpse of one of our buddies artfully arranged as a decoy!

Judge Dredd: Let’s see … regular, ricochet, high explosive, stun, tear gas, heat seeking … ah ha! Incendiary. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

MaMa’s Hired Guns: BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN!

Judge Dredd: I love the smell of crispy fried justice.

Kay: Well, MaMa says I can’t rape you, but I can still fuck you … up with this pretty pink gun of yours.

Judge Anderson: You really don’t want to do that.

Kay: Are you kidding? The only thing that gets me off more than sexual violence is metaphorical sexual violence! And I’m gonna take this metaphorical penis and metaphorically shoot my metaphorical seeds all over your metaphorical face! And then I’m gonna-

Judge Anderson’s Law Giver: DNA MATCH FAILED. SELF DESTRUCT MODE INITIATED.

Kay: Lose my hand and bleed to death.

Judge Lex: This is going to be easy as pie! I just have to walk up to Dredd, show him my shiny Judge badge, earn his trust, and then shoot him in the face. Hey, Dredd!

Judge Dredd: Nice badge, Lex.

Judge Lex: Why thank you, it’s-

Judge Dredd: Nice badge, which hasn’t had its mandatory twenty-four hours polishing. Dereliction of uniform maintenance duties is punishable by death, perp.

Judge Lex: Shit, and I thought this was a solid pla-

Judge Dredd: BOOM.

Judge Alvarez: Hey Dredd, are you-

Judge Dredd: Aiding and abetting a uniform felon is a crime. BOOM.

Judge Kaplan: Wow, I can’t believe those guys were so careless with their uniforms. I would never-

Judge Dredd: Is that a smudge on your visor? BOOM.

Judge Chan: Hi Judge Anderson! Looks like your backup has arrived!

Judge Anderson: That’s funny, Miss Chan! Your mouth says you’re friendly, but your brain says your about to kill me!

Judge Chan: Pesky mutant psych-

Judge Anderson: BOOM.

Judge Chan: -ics.

Judge Dredd: Good shooting, rookie.

Judge Anderson: Thanks Mister Dredd! Say, is that a gaping gunshot wound in your side?

Judge Dredd: It’s only a flesh wound, rookie.

Judge Anderson: I can see your kidneys, Mister Dredd.

Judge Dredd: Those kidneys filter the toxins of crime from the blood of justice, rookie.

Judge Anderson: I think that would work better if they weren’t riddled with shrapnel.

Judge Dredd: I PEE THE URINE OF LAW AND ORDER.

Judge Dredd: MaMa, this is the law! For all of your many crimes, which I will detail if and when anyone actually gives a shit about all of the killing I do, I sentence you to death! But first … one last shootout with your bodyguards!

MaMa’s Bodyguards: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Dredd: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

MaMa’s Bodyguards: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Dredd: BOOM BOOM BOOM!

MaMa’s Bodyguards: BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Dredd: BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Anderson: Hey Mister Dredd? My Liver of Legal Filtration or whatever seems to have been pierced by the Bullets of Broken Down Social Contracts or something.

Judge Dredd: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Anderson: Aw, Mister Dredd! My injuries made you go into a protective rage, thus giving you the strength to vanquish your enemies!

Judge Dredd: Wait, you got shot? I couldn’t hear you over all the sweet, sweet gunfire.

MaMa: Hi Judge Dredd! It seems you have me cornered! But I know something you don’t know!

Judge Dredd: How to suck a meth head’s willie without gagging?

Judge Anderson: The fastest way to earn fifty credits without getting off your knees?

MaMa: No. Well yes, but no. I have a transmitter on my wrist, which is tied to my heartbeat and the building’s self destruct system. If you shoot me, it’ll send a signal that triggers the destruction of Peach Trees and the death of every innocent person inside!

Judge Anderson: Hey, Mister Dredd? This is probably a good time to remind you of how transmitters don’t work in here, because of all the steel and concrete and plot necessities!

Judge Dredd: Good point, rookie. EAT HOT JUSTICE BITCH! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

MaMa: :-(

Chief Judge: Hey Dredd, sorry I saddled you with a rookie cop and sent you into the worst meat grinder we’ve ever witnessed, even in this absolute hell hole of a city! So … how’d she do?

Judge Dredd: Well, she doesn’t know the appropriate sentence for frying chicken in the french fry oil, she was hesitant to shoot a perp clearly guilty of felony littering, and she gave up her gun to a now-armless criminal. In short-

Manny the Medic: Hey Judge Anderson, it looks like you’ve been shot several times, stabbed twice, threatened with sexual assault, and had your hair mussed up. You should let me treat your injuries!

Judge Anderson: INSULTING A JUDGE’S HAIR IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH, PERP! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Judge Dredd: She’ll do, Chief. She’ll do.

Judge Dredd: Mega City One. A concrete jungle resting on a bed of steel and sorrow. We discovered that the last champions of law and order, the Judges, are just as corrupt as everything else in this festering pool of human avarice. That should bother me, but instead, I carry a sense of deep satisfaction. Many people died today, but none of those people were me. Many people were shot in the face with exploding bullets, and those bullets were fired from my gun. Today was a good day. A good day … for justice.