Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I’m ready to become Buffy today!

Alaric Saltzman: Quiet. I have a hangover. From all of the whiskey I drank. To forget that I agreed to train you.

Elena Gilbert: I bought a new track suit!

Matt Donovan: Well here I am, just working out, all alone, in the dark.

A Random Vampire: Whoosh!

Matt Donovan: I sure hope I don’t get eaten! I better wander around the school all alone to make sure!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! We’re doing senior pranks on the school!

Elena Gilbert: Pranks are the best!

Klaus: You mean like the prank you pulled when I killed you but you didn’t die?

Elena Gilbert: …Poop.

Rebecca: Hi Stefan! This dress is slutty! What do you think?

Stefan Salvatore: I… like it?

Rebecca: Liar! You hate it and you hate me and you suck! Pout!

Klaus: Nice job, asshat.

Stefan Salvatore: You’re the one that pulled the dagger out.

Rebecca: I heard that!

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Hi Damon! What have I missed since last season?

Damon Salvatore: Well, Elena’s not dead, but her Aunt Jenna is, mostly because of Bonnie, so Alaric’s super pissed slash drunk all the time, and he keeps taking his pants off at me, Tyler’s a werewolf and banging Caroline, Elijah’s dead and Klaus is invulnerable, Stefan’s joined his team, and they’ve left a trail of sorority chicks’ body parts and failed werepire zombie corpses stretching from Florida to Tennessee.

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Sounds like fun! On a totally unrelated note, you should come visit me in Chicago!

Rachel Reporter: And in a shocking development, a resident of Mystic Falls died in what appears to be a completely non-bobcat related accident…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m sorry I kinda chewed you out right after your girlfriend died! Why didn’t you tell me?

Damon Salvatore: Because you’re an eighteen year old high school student and the only people allowed to help me through my grief are Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker?

Elena Gilbert: But enough about you! Let’s talk about Stefan, who totally called me last night!

Damon Salvatore: What did he say?

Elena Gilbert: Absolutely nothing!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds like Stefan. Anyway, do you remember that conversation we had about all of the murders Stefan is doing? Trail of bodies? Pools of blood? Ruined dart boards? Stefan’s a lost cause.

Elena Gilbert: But if he was a lost cause he wouldn’t have called me!

Damon Salvatore: Now? You pick now to start being all logical and insightful? Goddammit.

Elena Gilbert: Anyway, I’m going to go get my thirty year old history teacher out of bed. Tee hee!

The summer was long, and cruel.

The heat was merciless, unrelenting. The sun offered no respite, no mercy. The humidity clung to our skin like Louisiana swamp water. Stefan was gone. Damon was… dealing with it, in his own way. Elena was inconsolable.

Stefan was gone, but we weren’t left alone. No, there were still other vampires out there. Older, more powerful. More entertaining. But water vapor wasn’t the only thing in the air. Change lurked on the horizon, crouching, waiting to pounce.

They were the vampires we recognized. The fangs, the oddly modern hair, the questionable life choices. But something was different. Something was wrong.

The vampires we had known and loved had suffered a grievous attack. Almost as fatal as a stake to the heart, but not nearly as quick, nor as merciful. No, our vampires hadn’t suffered a puncture to the pericardium. Instead, their testicles had been removed.

Gone were the snappy one-liners and the rampaging Viking sex. In their place we found naught but sloppy grins and puppy dog eyes.

For three long months we watched, and we suffered. Our vampires’ pain was our own. Their misery, our sorrow.

Through some arcane rite, our vampires did regain their balls, but it may have been too late. Saddened, disenchanted, we left Bon Temps behind. “We’ll see you next season,” we said, but we weren’t sure if we were telling the truth.

The trip to Georgia was quicker than we expected. Barely a week had passed, and we found ourselves pulling up to a sign that read:

Welcome to Mystic Falls

Population 15,39850

Well, here we are, in the midst of a TVD-free summer. I figured I’d set up a post where you can talk about your wish-list for season three.

Please keep this discussion Spoiler Free: let’s talk about what we want to happen, not what the script notes our cousin Larry stole from the set says will happen.

To get you started, here are a few of my desires for Season Three:

@iansomerhalder: Poor Damon…
   Retweeted by @MrsSalvatore22 and 1,634,749 others

@FangBanger101: Oh no! #DontDieDamon RT @iansomerhalder Poor Damon…

@VampiresFTW: Poor Damon… #savedamon #asilaydying #tvd finale

@Sexyhalder69: We have to save Poor Damon!

@ih8weres: I can’t believe what Tyler did to Poor Damon!

Thirty-two million tweets later…

Damon Salvatore: Wait, you think I’m going to die? Ian’s just sorry that I’m surrounded by idiots.

Damon Salvatore (in the Mirror): So, Bonnie’s really good eulogy. Let’s see: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, to celebrate mourn the loss of that bitch our friend Bonnie, who was pretty much useless a very powerful witch, and who always put the plot other before herself. And she was… fuck, I don’t know, really pretty, and not at all annoying, and we’re really sad to see her go. Whisky.

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! People loved Elijah, and the Great Retcon of Lame Ass Curssitude went was a huge hit!

The Writers: Pat themselves on the back.

The Producers: There’s only a couple of things we want to tweak this week…

The Writers: You want us to get Elijah naked?

The Producers: No… well… but first, we want Elena to actually be the strong, smart girl that everyone’s been saying she is for the last few months.

The Writers: Got it… Elena needs to stop eating paint chips. And?

The Producers: Well, let’s make Stefan kind of a badass in this one.

The Writers: …now you’re just effing with people, aren’t you?

The Producers: Kinda.