TM
Vampire Diaries – S04E17 – Because the Night
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
A Pretty Lady: Look! That guy is either dead or, like pretty much everyone else in this city at this time of night, passed out in the gutter after a sixteen hour gin and coke bender!
The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: What? I don’t see anyone there!
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! My hair is awesome and you’re both dead!
A Pretty Lady: 🙁
The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: :-O
Damon Salvatore: :-)=
Vampire Diaries – S04E16 – Bring It On
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Since I am contractually obligated to remove the fun from any and all situations, I must voice my deep concerns that Elena has become an interesting character!
Damon Salvatore: And as your roguish yet charming, slightly evil, and more attractive brother, I must disagree!
Stefan Salvatore: But Damon! She turned off her human emotions! And burned down her own house! While her brother was still inside!
Damon Salvatore: Oh come on … he was already dead!
Stefan Salvatore: And you aren’t the least bit concerned that the girl you love is going to turn into a clone of the girl you hate? You know, since she is played by the same actress and all.
Damon Salvatore: Please, it’s not like she’s throwing herself down in the middle of the road, waiting for some hapless jerk to stop and offer assistance, and then eating the poor fool as soon as they get out of the car!
Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! For I have fallen, and I can’t get up!
SOme Hapless Jerk: Egads, this is terrible! Allow me to offer assistance!
Elena Gilbert: :-)=
Stefan Salvatore: You were saying?
Damon Salvatore: Shut up.
Vampire Diaries – S04E15 – Stand by Me
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Nice of you to join us! While you were off pulling splinters out of Rebekah’s paws, Katherine Pierce made her glorious return, ate Jeremy, and gave the scraps to Silas! Now Jeremy’s dead, Silas is alive, Katherine has the only thing that can kill him, Bonnie is off making googley eyes at her hallucinations, and Elena is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth, singing Single Ladies to herself.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, well we just have to – wait, what? Single Ladies?
Stefan Salvatore: You know, if you like it you shoulda put a Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying on it?
Damon Salvatore: But Jeremy was one of the Five. The ring won’t work on him.
Stefan Salvatore: And therein lies the hook for the rest of the season.
Damon Salvatore: Okay! This calls for some decisive action. So you grab Elena and take her home, and I’ll be over here ignoring this whole damn thing. Later! Zoom!
Vampire Diaries – S04E14 – Down the Rabbit Hole
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Also, this happened.
Galen Vaughn: Top o’ the morning to ya laddie! How be those wee vervain-soaked ropes treatin’ ya?
Damon Salvatore: Kinda itchy, but no worse than the ones Elena uses to tie me to the-
Galen Vaughn: Ah yes, wee Elena, born a doppelganger, recently turned vampire, pot o’ gold between the bow of her legs.
Damon Salvatore: So you’re the one that’s been peeking in through her windows at night! Huh, now I feel all bad about breaking Matt’s shins.
Galen Vaughn: Aye! I’a been spyin’ on the lot o’ ya! There’s Damon, who may not be as evil as he wishes everyone to believe, and Elena, who could charm the pants off a snake, and bonnie Bonnie, the witch, and …
Damon Salvatore: Oh Jesus, just kill me already.
Galen Vaughn: Not until I finish me Lucky Charms!
Damon Salvatore: Say, that’s a nice magic tattoo!
Galen Vaughn: Why thank ye laddie! Would ye believe that it just showed up out o’ the blue a few days ago?
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, that must have been due to the vampire genocide we committed a couple of episodes ago.
Galen Vaughn: What’s this now? I thought you were a vampire?
Damon Salvatore: Hos before bros, dude. Little Damon needs his fun, too.
The Lady of the Manor: Fun fact: Irish hunters have an additional super power … the power to make panties explode.
Vampire Diaries – S04E13 – Into the Wild
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Profesor Shane: Wow, who knew that training for an ultra marathon would involve so much running?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Or dodging so many arrows!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Never mind, just be careful about that bottomless pit over there!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
Vampire Diaries – S04E12 – A View to a Kill
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: OMG what have I done OMG I hate hatesex with Rebekah OMG my chastity in in tatters OMG how will I ever forgive myself OMG I have to get out of here OMG maybe if I’m careful she won’t wake up OMG she’s snoring that’s a good sign OMG what would Lexi think OMG okay time to activate my super vampire sneaking powers …
Klaus: Hi Stefan! It looks like you’re trying to sneak out of Rebekah’s apartment! Hey Rebekah! Did you hear that! Stefan’s trying to sneak out of your apartment!
Stefan Salvatore: I hate you so much.
Klaus: …Does that mean we’re going to have hatesex too?
Stefan Salvatore: So. Much.
Klaus: Anyway, Kol is running about with my Magic Daggers of Original Inconvenience and the Splintery Shaft of Sudden Slaughter, and since I really enjoy having complete power over you …
Rebekah: Go fuck yourself?
Stefan Salvatore: No, I’m good. Last night wore me out. I –
Rebekah: Not you, Stefan, him.
The Lady of the Manor: This entire show could be Klaus close-arguing and I would watch it every single week.
Vampire Diaries – S04E11 – Catch Me If You Can
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Matt Donovan: Man, and I thought I hated it when coach made me run suicides! Klaus making me run homicides is way worse!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon! You said I wouldn’t have to kill any innocent people!
Klaus: In an interesting legal loophole, I killed the innocent people. Now you just have to kill the innocent vampires!
Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan, Klaus! I sure hope no one uses a carefully worded promise to screw us all over later in the episode!
Lexi totally said my name
So one of my (less profane) tweets got read on this week’s Vampire Diaries: Rehash. You can hear Arielle Kebbel, who plays Lexi on the series, read my tweet (and say my name!) at around the 2:00 mark.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be watching this over and over again.
Vampire Diaries – S04E10 – After School Special
But in one town, a town where time flows faster and slower depending on the season, a town where days stretch into weeks and years collapse into commercial breaks, winter had already come and gone, the Yule marked only with a dance and a spray of blood set to the haunting strains of music that had once symbolized happier things.
In the wake of beautiful slaughter, twelve extras lay dismembered, their character arcs offered up to some dark necromancer, and the mayor lay prone in a fountain, her screen time sacrificed to activate her son’s hybrid rage.
Two vampires still feud over a certain magic lady’s magic lady bits, but the challenger has usurped the champion, leading to much celebration and mourning. Both vampires, for reasons inexplicable, are hell bent on making their magic lady mortal again, and thus to turn her back over the the angelic murderer of Christmas cheer. Plans and machinations swirled around schemes and riddles, loyalties were wrapped in lies and tainted with doubt, and rumors of an upcoming departure stir hope and fear.
And then, in the midst of the turmoil, that dreaded word was uttered again:
“Hiatus.”
And lo the days stretched long and desolate, television screens lit only with reruns, fan wars fueled only with speculation … until now. Until those wonderful words echoed in our ears once more, signaling the end of the cold, dark days …
Vampire Diaries – S04E09 – O Come, All Ye Faithful
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Elena Gilbert: What the hell even is Iquity?
Damon Salvatore: Iquity is the characteristic I exhibit when I do not allow you to remove all of your clothes and ride me like a naughty pony, no matter how much you and or I both want it, because the quote unquote Sire bond between us may make you less than capable of consent.
Elena Gilbert: Oh, so it’s like not being a raging douchebag?
Damon Salvatore: With a side of pent up sexual frustration that will probably lead to the death of a cheerleader and/or epic hatesex with Rebekah next episode, yeah.
