The Vampire Diaries – S01E01 – Pilot

Furthering fears that I one: have no taste and two: am going to hell, I’ve decided to do a recap of The Vampire Diaries, the latest utterly trashy cash-in on the emo teen vampire phenomenon. I’ll probably do a recap for each episode, unless I decide that the show’s too boring to bother. And so, without further ado, and less than a week late:

Producer: So, Mr. Wesley – can I call you Paul? Great. So, Paul, it says here that you’re twenty-seven years old. What would you think about pretending to be in high school, and seducing this innocent young girl?

Paul Wesley: Am I on camera right now? Chris Hansen? Is this Dateline NBC?

Producer: No, no, no, this is the CW, and hooking up with someone decades younger than you isn’t creepy when you’re a vampire, it’s romantic.

Paul Wesley: Right then. Carry on.

Thomas: I wonder how long they’re going to play the “is he or isn’t he” game with the guy that is obviously a vampire.

Stefan Salvatore (Opening Monolog): My life sucks because I’m a vampire. Also, Elena Gilbert is hot.

Thomas Well, okay then.

Cute Young Guy: That band sucked.

Cute Young Girl: No they were awesome.

Cute Young Silhouette Standing In The Middle of the Road: Gosh, I sure hope no cute young couples hit me with their car.

Cute Young Couple: Hits him with their car.

Cute Young Guy: Are you okay?!?

Cute Young Silhouette: Surprise: vampire!

Cute Young Couple: are eaten.

Stefan Salvatore: writes emo in his journal.

Elena Gilbert: writes emo in her journal.

Aunt Jenna: Who wants breakfast?

Thomas: Wait, their legal guardian is like fifteen years old.

Aunt Jenna: No I’m not. I’m at least twenty. I’m practically in a nursing home.

Thomas: Oh, right, this is the CW. Carry on, then.

Bonnie Bennet: My ancestors were the only black people in Salem during the Witch Trials, and that makes me psychic.

Elena Gilbert: Oh yeah? You didn’t foresee that crow, did you?

Bonnie Bennet: What crow?

That Crow: smashes into the windshield.

Bonnie Bennet: Oh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey there Vicki, would you like some drugs that I’m passing out on the front lawn of the school, in plain view of everyone, including those television cameras over there?

Vicki Donovan: Boy, would I!

School Administrator: I’m sorry, Mr. Salvatore, you’re missing your immunization records, and transcripts, and…

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

School Administrator: Vampires can hypnotize people in this series?

Stefan Salvatore: Um, yes.

School Administrator: Well all right then, everything seems to be in order.

Elena Gilbert: Are you stoned?

Jeremy Gilbert: No.

Elena Gilbert: …

Jeremy Gilbert: Okay, yes. Hey, what are you doing in the men’s room?

Stefan Salvatore: She needs to meet-cute with me, silly.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, right. Carry on, then.

Stefan Salvatore: soulful stare

Elena Gilbert: soulful stare

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Elena Gilbert: Visits her parents in the cemetery, and writes emo in her journal.

Menacing Fog of Menace: Surrounds Elena menacingly.

Cute Young Silhouette Standing In The Middle of the Cemetery: Lurks creepily.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh hi! Just passing through the cemetery on my way to… the… cemetery.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, nice ring!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, family heirloom. That’s why I don’t burst into flames when I go out in the sun.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, look at the time got to run see you at school tomorrow!

Stefan Salvatore: writes emo in his journal.

Stefan Salvatore: My parents passed away. sadface

Elena Gilbert: Why, my parents passed away!

Stefan Salvatore: I live with my uncle.

Elena Gilbert: Why, I live with my twelve year old aunt!

Twelve Year Old Aunt: I’m twenty!

Stefan Salvatore: Did I mention that I write emo in my journal.

Elena Gilbert: Why, I write emo in my journal!

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Stefan Salvatore: And that I came to town because you look exactly like the girl whose photo I’ve kept in my diary for the last hundred years?

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Annoying History Teacher: Blah blah blah, I’m superior to you children in every way, and I know way more about history than you do.

Stefan Salvatore: Bitch, please. I was there.

History Class: Ooh, snap!

Vicki Donovan: Goes walking through the Menacing Fog of Menace, alone, at night.

Cute Young Silhouette Eating Girls in the Woods: Snack time!

The Entire High School: Wow, that’s so weird! It’s like she was attacked by a vampire or something!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey look at the time really need to be going early day tomorrow see you bye bye.

Stefan Salvatore: Why, it’s my evil brother, Damon, who lurks in Menacing Fog of Menace and often reveals himself as a Cute Young Silhouette!

Damon Salvatore: Hi there, I’m still evil. Hey, Elena looks an awful lot like the girl that we fought over like a hundred years ago. Maybe I should hook up with her…

Stefan Salvatore: I bite you!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, right. How’s that vegetarian thing working out for you? Oh, and hey, is this the ring that let’s you walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flame? yoink!

A Potentially Interesting Plot Development: Hi there, I…

Damon Salvatore: Just kidding, here, you can have your ring back.

A Potentially Interesting Plot Development: …was just leaving.

Stefan Salvatore: writes emo in his journal.

Elena Gilbert: writes emo in her journal.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: write emo in their journals.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, do vampires need to be invited in in this series?

Stefan Salvatore: Um, yes.

Elena Gilbert: Would you like to come in (and be my boyfriend and stay with me forever and no we won’t be doing anything inappropriate this is a family show and besides we have to save that for sweeps)?

Stefan Salvatore: Um, yes.