The Vampire Diaries – S01E03 – Friday Night Bites

Producer: Okay, Elena…

Nina Dobrev: Um, my real name’s Nina…

Producer: That’s great, sweetheart. So, Elena, why don’t you just kind of lay back, and try to look sexy, and… um, slightly stoned. That’s great, that’s great. Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: Paul…

Producer: Whatever, why don’t you kind of hover over her, like you’re going to kiss her, but don’t actually kiss her, we want to leave them wanting more. Perfect. All right, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: …

Producer: Wow, that one’s smart enough not to talk back, cool. So, Evil Vampire, why don’t you kind of press your lips against her throat, yeah, like you’re going to bite her, except… why don’t you… um, why don’t you lick her throat, instead.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, what?

Nina Dobrev: Wait, what?

Producer: Yeah, go ahead, just run your tongue over her adam’s apple. No, it isn’t creepy. All the kids are doing it. Trust me. There you go. Perfect. Man this job rocks.

Cute Young Couple: takes a break from being murdered this week. Instead, we open on:

Caroline Truitt: laying in a pool of her own blood, with two fang marks on her neck.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, babe.

Caroline Truitt: oh God vampire help sweet mother of mercy lamp smash

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then. Hey, did you change your clothes last night?

Caroline Truitt: Yes…

Damon Salvatore: So you put on a comfortable nightie, but you didn’t bother washing the blood off yourself, or, you know, going to the hospital?

Caroline Truitt: Being dead is one thing, Damon. Being unfashionable is something else entirely.

Damon Salvatore: Why do I always bite the dumb ones?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m not saying “don’t date the guy,” I’m just saying… well, okay, I’m saying “don’t date the guy.”

Elena Gilbert: But you were just telling me to jump his bones! Why the sudden change of heart?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I had a psychic vision that he was a mass murdering monster come to sow death and pain in our idyllic little town.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then…

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, watch me embarrass New Boy by throwing this football at him!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampire football catching powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I’ve never seen someone catch a football before! Will you sire my offspring?

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, no siring just yet. How about dinner? I can cook you some totally bloodless human food!

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: And you can hang out with my best friend who thinks your a demon!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Elena Gilbert: Great! See you at nine!

Annoying History Teacher: Gah, you are all so stupid! How can you not even know the date on which the Civil Rights Act freed the Madagascar Slaves from their Moorish Oppressors? Why am I cursed to suffer your unfailing ignorance?

Stefan Salvatore: It was in 1873. And you’re a douche.

Annoying History Teacher and Stefan Salvatore: engage in a stirring battle of wits, where Annoying History Teacher names a random historical event, and Stefan Salvatore recites the year in which it occurred. The history class is applauding at the end of this. Because if High School taught me anything, it’s that teenagers love it when a brainy kid shows off in class.

Thomas: is not bitter.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, why are you staring longingly at the football team?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m not gay!

Elena Gilbert: I… just thought you missed playing. You know, football.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, right. Yes. Totally that. Totally want to play. Football. With the men. The young… rugged…

Elena Gilbert: Erm…

Damon Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so evil.

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so emo.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: You guy should totally kiss right now.

Bonnie Bennet: I keep seeing the numbers 8, 14, and 22. This is going to be an important plot point later on, so remember that. Also, I psychically know where you keep the silverware.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, you should have seen it! Taylor threw a ball at Stefan today, and Stefan totally caught it!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s… so special. Hey, my grandmother was a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, that’s so cool. The Salem Witches were heroic examples of individualism, and non-conformity.

Thomas: swears that that’s an exact quote. Seriously. And they bought it.

Damon Salvatore and Caroline Truitt: Surprise! We’re crashing!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t invite him in!

Elena Gilbert: Come on in!

Damon Salvatore: Score!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Truitt: Hey, let’s talk about Elena’s dead parents, and how she’s such a drag now!

Damon Salvatore: No, let’s talk about Stefan’s dead girlfriend, and how he’s such a drag now!

Stefan Salvatore: face. palm.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Are about to Get It On, when suddenly, Stefan turns into Damon! And Elena wakes up gasping! It was all a dream! A hot, steamy dream! Oh no, is she going to be torn between two loves? (Hint: yes.)

Elena Gilbert: So, I quit cheer-leading. I’m a quitter.

Stefan Salvatore: No, you suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person any more. But you should be looking ahead.

Thomas: That was supposed to cheer her up? God, now I’m depressed.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, would you wear this vampire-blocking magic talisman?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no one’s ever given me a vampire-blocking magic talisman before! swoon

Tyler Lockwood: I kill you!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Heroic vampire fight stopping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, my druggie brother cut your hand with his broken bottle of booze!

Stefan Salvatore: No he didn’t I’m totally fine no magic vampire healing powers here look right as rain and hey the game’s starting time to go see you after bye bye.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Slaaaaaaap across your faaaaaaaaaace.</buffy>

Damon Salvatore: Well then.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s good in you, I can sense it!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great, Luke Skywalker. By the way: fang!

Annoying History Teacher: gets eaten

Thomas: …Is he… dead?

Some Kid: Oh God, he’s dead!

Thomas: …God bless America… land that I love… single tear

Bonnie Bennet: Look, those numbers I said I saw! I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: One, shut up, I’m busy celebrating the death of Annoying History Teacher. Two, wouldn’t it have been way more useful if you’d have actually foreseen his death, instead of a licensee plate and a sign on a door?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: Hey, Damon, are you still hungry?

Elena Gilbert: sleeps comfortably in her bed.

Damon Salvatore: keeps creepy watch over her, occasionally stroking her hair.

Edward Cullen: I did that first.