The Vampire Diaries – S01E04 – Family Ties

So for some reason, IMDB told me that Ditzy Blonde Blood Donor Girl is named Caroline Truitt; turns out, it’s really Caroline Forbes. Corrected from here on out.

The Cute Young Couple: is missing once again, leaving me to believe that Damon ate all of the coupled attractive people within twenty square miles.

Thomas: admires his dedication and thoroughness.

Elena Gilbert: wakes up after being watched creepily by Damon. She senses a dark, looming presence, and like any other intelligent person, goes wandering through the dark to scratch its chin. She finds the television on, showing a breaking news bulletin of: her own murder.

Damon Salvatore: Ignore the fact that the “breaking news bulletin” was shot during the day, while it’s clearly nighttime. I am, to your utter astonishment, a vampire, and you are, to my utter delight, dinner. fangs!

Elena Gilbert: dies.

Thomas: Well, that sure was a short-lived series. I wonder what’s on-

Stefan Salvatore: wakes up from his nightmare.

Thomas: Oh.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, good dream? Man screwing with your mind is fun.

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a douche. stab!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! counter stab!

Thomas: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Stefan Salvatore: I must fight this monster. But how do I fight a monster without becoming one myself?

Friedrich Nietzsche: Dude, excellent question.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, babe?

Elena Gilbert: Less talk more make out.

Stefan Salvatore: Ow, stop twisting my arm! smooch

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: are really not at all shy about doing who-knows-what in Elena’s bedroom, even when the rest of the family is downstairs eating breakfast.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! hides

Elena Gilbert: pout

Thomas: Side note: I’ve seen these two make out twice now, and both times I sat there thinking to myself “they both move like they’ve had a bit of juijuitsu training.” I realize that I have a problem.

Elena Gilbert: Hey wanna go to the Founder’s Dance with me I know its cheesy but it meant a lot to my dead parents and I think you’d be hot in a suite.

Stefan Salvatore: I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Elena Gilbert.

Thomas: See, that’s how you do “wow, he’s so suavely old-fashioned, you know, because he’s a centuries old vampire.” Not “I know lots of random dates, wanna sleep with me?” Attention Writers: DO THIS MORE.

Caroline Forbes: I can’t be seen in public with you, so you can’t come to the Founder’s Dance with me. Sorry, babe.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: You should totally come to the Founder’s Dance with me!

Tens of Men Around the Nation: That would make dating so much easier.

Damon Salvatore: So what’s so special about this Bella girl, anyway?

Thomas: OMG HE’S READING TWILIGHT OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

Caroline Forbes: Are you going to kill me?

Damon Salvatore: Yep! But not just yet.

Thomas: Holy crap, he just out-creepered Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen: Damn.

Thomas: OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS TALKING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: has an anti-vampire pot farm in his cellar. This will be an important plot point later.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, want some bourbon?

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Sure!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you tried the old “give the vampire a glass of bourbon spiked with anti-vampire pot” trick! But I’m not some dumb college girl you can roofie, oh no!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: So you’re the mysterious loner and I think that’s hot, but I also think that since we’ve been dating like three whole days it’s time for us to move on the the next level, and no I’m not asking you to sleep with me because I know you’re gay (probably for your brother, which, ew), but I just want you to open up and tell me something about yourself! pout

Stefan Salvatore: Can’t you see? Damon is trying to drive us apart!

Elena Gilbert: Well it’s working! pout, dramatic exit

Thomas: Dude, you should totally do that “look into my eyes” thing. It would be so much easier.

Aunt Jenna: put some wave into her hair and actually looks like an adult.

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: So, we cool?

Aunt Jenna: How are you going to make up for cheating on me?

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: Want to go get some cheese fries?

Thomas: Dead God, have any of the writers for this show actually been in a relationship? “Sorry I banged the secretary, here’s some snack food.” WTF?

Elena Gilbert: So, are all these bruises and bite marks from your creepy stalker boyfriend?

Caroline Forbes: What no he doesn’t beat me he only does it because he loves me I just make him really mad sometimes and well he says I taste really good and he looks at me with those sad eyes and then I’m just like “oh okay one more time but try not to nick an artery that took forever to clean up” and it hurts but in a good way you know (and I think he sparkles but he’s just too shy to show me).

Elena Gilbert: Okay, as long as you’re cool.

Vicki Donovan: So, Thomas didn’t bother telling anyone about this because he thinks this plot line is really boring, but I went to the Founder’s Dance with Tyler Lockwood, and he was, once again, an enormous jerk, and I realized that even though he’s rich and handsome, and even though you’re poor and a stoner, you really love me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wow you’re hot.

Vicki Donovan: drops her dress.

Thomas: Aw, awkward stoner sex. I bet they have little stoner babies.

Caroline Forbes: I didn’t mean to tell her that you eat me, it just sort of slipped out.

Damon Salvatore: It’s okay, I forgive you. Except… fangs!

Damon Salvatore: gag, puke

Stefan Salvatore: Ah ha! I knew I couldn’t spike your drink, so I spiked your girlfriend instead! Man I’m awesome! self high five

The Sheriff, The Mayor, The Mayor’s Wife, and The Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: blah blah blah, we’re vampire hunters, which makes us, ironically, the good guys and the bad guys for this season. Dun Dun Dun!