The Vampire Diaries – S01E07 – Haunted

Tyler Lockwood: is leaving the school at roughly two o’clock in the morning, for some reason.

Vicki Donovan: Hey baby, wanna neck?

Tyler Lockwood: Score!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: fang block!

Vicki Donovan: sadface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Tyler Lockwood: gets all fuzzy in the head, and then gets tossed across the parking lot.

Vicki Donovan: Hey bro, just wanted to call and let you know that I can’t tell you where I am or why I ran away, but everything is peachy keen okay, so don’t worry about me. Bye!

Matt Donovan: Well, that cryptic, forced sounding call has assuaged all my fears, and I will no longer worry about the possibility that my kid sister has become one of the undead. Time for math class!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, there’s nothing in the newspaper about that Logan guy I ate last night. WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: Famewhore.

Vicki Donovan: So, can we eat someone now?

Stefan Salvatore: No! That would be wrong, and immoral, and blah blah blah I’m such a drag!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t listen to him, he was like a nun in a past life or something. Of course we can eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Murder is wrong!

Damon Salvatore: We’ll just take a sip.

Stefan Salvatore: She’ll lose control!

Damon Salvatore: Man I hope so.

Stefan Salvatore: It isn’t right!

Damon Salvatore: I’m way hotter than you.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vicki Donovan: He wins. Let’s go snack on a villager or something.

Stefan Salvatore: No people food! Here, have some Bambi-juice.

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: I have great cheekbones.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Also, calling a vampire arrogant and glib? Poor life decision.

Elena Gilbert: If you wanted me dead, I would be. But I’m not.

Damon Salvatore: Yet.

Elena Gilbert: gulp

Elena Gilbert: So, the entire town is out looking for Vicki. We’re getting uncomfortably close to the “pitchforks and torches” part of the plot.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, Vicki is an emotionally troubled drug addict with a newfound penchant for violent throat dissection. I think I should keep her here for a while.

Vicki Donovan: But I wanna go out and play!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Vicki, how are ya?

Vicki Donovan: Dead, you?

Elena Gilbert: awkward…

Bonnie Bennet: So, were our ancestors burned at the stake in Salem?

Grandma Bennet: No, they were smart enough to ditch when they started those shenanigans. But it’s important that we stay hidden.

Bonnie Bennet: You teach a class on the occult at the local college.

Grandma Bennet: Yeah, and?

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: So, we screwed up last episode’s vampire hunt, huh? Man, if that vampire finds us, we are so screwed.

Damon Salvatore: whistles innocently

Caroline Forbes: Hey Bonnie, I got you a costume!

Bonnie Bennet: A witch? You want the girl who starts fires with her brain to dress up like a witch?

Caroline Forbes: Yep! Also, here’s that magic amulet that Damon will probably kill you to get back. It looks fantastic with your skin tone!

Stefan Salvatore: Caffeine is our friend. It circulates through our veins, and warms us, so we aren’t so cold to the touch.

Thomas: Are you freaking kidding me? Starbucks is one of the signs of vampirism now?

Elena Gilbert: So, I was thinking you shouldn’t see Jeremy any more, you know, since you kind of look at him like a snack box now.

Vicki Donovan: throat grab!

Elena Gilbert: gurgle!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’ve been cooped up in this house all day. Wanna go outside for a bit!

Vicki Donovan: Wow, do I!

Stefan Salvatore: But she might run away! And then eat somebody!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on, what are the odds?

Vicki Donovan: runs away

Damon Salvatore: Huh. My bad.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, right?

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: What? No!

Damon Salvatore: <whisper>I can score you some anti-vampire pot…</whisper>

The Plot: thickens

Tonight: is Halloween.

Elena Gilbert: is a sexy nurse.

Matt Donovan: is a bloody doctor.

Jeremy Gilbert: is a stoner. With his hood up.

Vicki Donovan: is a vampire.

Thomas: sees what you did there.

Vicki Donovan: So… many… tasty… teenagers…

Stefan Salvatore: No people food!

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Damon Salvatore: flirts

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: giggles drunkenly

Information: pours out like water

Damon Salvatore: Hey, my necklace! gimme!

Bonnie Bennet: No way, creeper!

Damon Salvatore: grabs the necklace, and gets burned for his trouble.

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Vicki Donovan: tries to feed on Jeremy, then grabs Elena, and latches onto her neck like a… neck… latching… thing.

Stefan Salvatore: No one eats my woman! six foot wooden stake!

Vicki Donovan: is significantly more corpse-like with a giant piece of wood though the heart.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: So, Damon, you know how they say friends help you move, and best friends help you move bodies? Well, a funny thing happened at the Halloween party tonight…

Elena Gilbert: You jerk! You did this to her! People keep dying around you! slap!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, you might not have noticed, but, one, I’m evil, and two, you’re bleeding profusely from several major lacerations. It might be a good idea to make like a tree and get away from the evil, angry, hungry vampire with great hair.

Jeremy Gilbert: sobs

Elena Gilbert: commiserates

Stefan Salvatore: wants to help

Elena Gilbert: Can you erase his memory?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Damon Salvatore: I’ll do it.

Everyone: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I wish I knew how to quit you.