The Vampire Diaries – S01E08 – 162 Candles

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Stefan Salvatore: slumbers peacefully in his study, when he awakes to a ghostly, echoing voice, a mysteriously open window, and a shadowy figure flighting through his house, Menacingly.

The Shadowy Figure: bum rushes Stefan, takes him to the ground, and mounts him.

Stefan Salvatore: oh, hey babe.

Lexi: Surprise birthday tackle!

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Stefan Salvatore and Lexi: are apparently having a tickle fight, and reminiscing about the weekend they partied with Bon Jovi. They also mention that the Magic Don’t Make Me Explode in the Sunlight rings are apparently keyed to a single owner, and that Damon is a canine of female persuasion.

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Sheriff Forbes: So, anyone know where Vicki went off to?

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Hey, have you seen our impersonation of a stone wall? It’s really good!

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Elena Gilbert: Stefan, people get hurt and die around you, and that-

Bella Swan: -is so hot, am I right?

Elena Gilbert: Um, no, I was going for “creepy, dangerous, and wrong,” but whatever turns your crank.

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Damon Salvatore: Why don’t you want to sleep with me like all the other girls?

Lexi: Um, have you met you? You’re a jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on. goes in for the kiss

Lexi: throat grab! Bad touch. Do. Not. Want.

Thomas: Lexi: my new favorite vampire.

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Bonnie and Grandma Bennet: blah blah blah, witches are awesome, and this ugly amulet is going to be Very Important in a latter episode. Also, I’m still psychic.

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Aunt Jenna: looks twelve again.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Thomas: Whatever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, could you guys complain about boys a little quieter? I’m trying to study over here.

Elena Gilbert and Aunt Jenna: Wait, what?

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Damon Salvatore: Hey, here’s a stash of anti-vampire pot.

Sheriff Forbes: Awesome! Let me tell you everything I know about the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

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Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to stay in bed all day?

Elena Gilbert: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: Well then I’m getting into bed with you.

Thomas: I will never understand how this doesn’t squick girls out.

Tens of Men Around the Nation: Hey, are they gonna…?

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: No.

Elena Gilbert: So, can you help take my mind off the fact that I broke up with Stefan?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure. Look, I can float feathers with my brain!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, your supernatural tendencies are way less freaky than my blood-drinking ex boyfriend’s.

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Caroline Forbes: appears to have forgotten her pants.

Caroline Forbes: Damon, you’re a jerk and a meanie and you hurt me and I’m not going to –

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: Oh my gosh Damon it’s so good to see you where have you been can we make out now?

Damon Salvatore: So, party tonight, everyone is invited, especially the chick that stole my amulet, and the person I’m going to frame for all of the murders I committed these last few weeks.

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Lexi: Stefan, seriously, just jump in the sack with the girl.

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? We’re going to drag this our for as many seasons as possible.

Lexi: Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Did you ever watch Moonlighting?

Lexi: Okay, good point. drinks blood from her sippy cup

Damon Salvatore: So, who wants to go to the conveniently timed party tonight?

Lexi: That’s a great idea! I bet showing up to a party with a hot girl from out of town roughly fifteen minutes after you broke up with Elena won’t be awkward at all!

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Elena Gilbert: Um, hi… who are you, and why are you naked?

Lexi: I’m Lexi, Stefan’s hot friend from out of town! I just got out of the shower. You know, the shower Stefan is in right now. Also, holy crap you look just like Katherine, Stefan what the hell is wrong with you you have serious emotional issues you freak.

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Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I just dropped by to tell you that I’m not sleeping with the naked girl, and to let you know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Also: you totally broke up with me on my birthday. Tootles!

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Caroline Forbes: Gimme the crystal! grabs, gets shocked

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

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Girl: Did you hear that?

Boy: Less talk, more nookie.

Damon Salvatore: eats the boy

Girl: screams

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

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Stefan Salvatore: Damon, Jeremy’s been acting all weird since you mind-whammied him. He’s studying, he’s not moping around anymore, he’s not doing drugs…

Damon Salvatore: And you’re complaining about this because…

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Lexi: Hey, did I ever tell you how I loved a human guy and even though we went through a lot of stormy weather what with me being an immortal blood sucking fiend love conquers all and you should totally hook up with Stefan because he has great cheekbones? slams three shots of tequila

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Stefan Salvatore: Girls make the best wingmen.

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Caroline Forbes: Matt you’re so nice do you think I’m shallow I don’t want to be shallow I want to be deep like the abyss hey are those curly fries?

Thomas: God drunk girls can be annoying.

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Sheriff Forbes: Who did this to you?

Girl Damon told me to tell you that it was the hot blond chick from out of town.

Sheriff Forbes: Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, assemble! We’ve got a blond to kill!

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The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: shoots Lexi up with some anti-vampire pot water.

Lexi: fangs!

Damon Salvatore: stake!

Thomas: totally saw that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: totally saw that happen.

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