The Vampire Diaries – S01E09 – History Repeating

Bonnie Bennet: sees the Ghost of Emily Bennet wandering through her school, and gets up to follow her.

Bonnie’s Math Teacher: is totally okay with this

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, um, how did we end up in a cemetery in the middle of the woods, near the ruins of the Salvatore homestead?

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: This is where it all started, and this is where it has to end. And if you don’t help me, I’m totally going to go all Samara Morgan on you.

Bonnie Bennet: wakes up; the romp through the woods was just a dream. No, wait! Waking up in math class was just a dream! Bonnie wakes up in the woods. For real this time.

Thomas: is confused. And slightly bored. Can Damon eat somebody now, please?

Annoying History Teacher: has been replaced by Alaric Saltzman, who is approximately six months older than the kids he’s teaching. He probably has a triple Doctorate.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan, sorry I killed your hot friend from out of town last episode. I brought you Starbucks, we cool?

Alaric Saltzman: So Jeremy, Annoying History Teacher left me a Jackass File, of which you were the primary topic. Also, you have no hope of passing. Want to do some extra credit?

Jeremy Gilbert: Boy do I!

Alaric Saltzman: Sweet. Why don’t you go write me a history paper about vampires in Mystic Falls? Also: how do you like my Magic Don’t Explode in the Sunlight ring?

Matt Donovan: Hey. chin nod

Caroline Forbes: Hey? Hey! Is that the best you can do? We spent the night together! We cuddled! And I’m not letting guys walk all over me any more! (Unless they can do that whole Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes</dracula> thing. That kind of sucks.)

Matt Donovan: So, drama queen much?

Stefan Salvatore: So, I took your advice and didn’t murder my brother. Also, I’m not coming to school any more, and we totally can’t see each other.

Elena Gilbert: lip-tremble, grr

Stefan Salvatore: You’re mad. Good. It’ll be easier if you hate me.

Elena Gilbert: wants him even more now

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie, have I shown you my sexy-but-creepy, helpful-but-threatening routine? It’s epic. Also, gimme my necklace!

Elena Gilbert: So what are you going to do about this necklace?

Bonnie Bennet: throws the necklace into the woods

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Aunt Jenna: Wow, the hot new history teacher is hot.

Jeremy Gilbert: I can introduce you, we’re old buddies.

Aunt Jenna: Nah, that’s okay, every guy I date ends up getting eaten by vampires, and I’d like to keep him around for a few episodes.

Elena Gilbert: So what’s Damon want with this necklace?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll get it out of him. goes looking for implements of torture

Stefan Salvatore: So, the bottle?

Damon Salvatore: Look, I can either drink blood, or tequila. You pick.

Stefan Salvatore: One more round, then?

Caroline Forbes: So I decided you can keep the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom.

Bonnie Bennet: Aw, thanks, Caroline! BTW, I threw it into the woods this afternoon.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: I’m baaaaaaaack! dun dun dun!

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m a witch.

Caroline Forbes: Wow, you got that right!

Bonnie Bennet: No, the other kind of witch! The one that’s Psychic, and can start fires with her brain!

Aunt Jenna: Well, looks like Jeremy totally ditched me.

Alaric Saltzman: That hardly seems like him…

Jeremy Gilbert: Help! I’ve been struck over the head, bound, gagged, and placed in my Aunt Jenna’s trunk!</muffled-cry-for-help>

Aunt Jenna: So, wanna hook up?

Alaric Saltzman: No, let’s have an awkward conversation about our failed romantic exploits first.

Aunt Jenna: That’s a great idea! I left town because my boyfriend cheated on me. Then he got eaten by vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Bummer. My wife got murdered, and the case was never solved. But I’m totally not the guy who did it.

Aunt Jenna: Well okay then. Do you watch sports?

Caroline Forbes: So I totally don’t believe in the supernatural, despite the fact that my short-term boyrfriend and current stalker is a vampire, but let’s do a seance anyway, and see what The Ghost of Emily Bennet wants.

Thomas: This is bound to end well.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: flame geyser, window slam, power out!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: vanishes

Vampire Football: gets played

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Seriously, guys, just kiss already.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom…?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no biggie, just going to use it to resurrect the vampire that sired us, and drove us apart. And who happens to look exactly like Elena. And was probably the epitome of evil and insanity.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, okay then.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: Hey, Bonnie, here I am, laying on the bathroom rug… why don’t you come and pick me up?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay! doors slam, lights flicker

Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: Oh my God, are you okay?

Bonnie Bennet: Yep, perfectly fine, and totally not possessed by the Ghost of Emily Bennet, why would you ask that?

Damon Salvatore: So, long story short, Katherine isn’t dead, she was sealed up inside a tomb by Pre-Ghost Emily Bennet’s magic. There was that whole thing with the comet, and the crystal, and blah blah blah, I’m going to get Bonnie to release her somehow. Also, Katherine hasn’t eaten in a hundred and fifty years… how do you think she’s feeling right about now?

Stefan Salvatore: Huh. I see nothing wrong with this plan whatsoever.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I’m off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, The Ghost of Emily Bennet is off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, The Ghost of… hey, where did you go?

Damon Salvatore: Gimme the crystal!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I can throw vampires with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, being impaled on a tree branch kind of sucks.

Alaric Saltzman and Aunt Jenna: trade “I’m so pathetic” stories. Alaric stands outside the door, pining like a puppy, waiting for Aunt Jenna to invite him in.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry, no invite for you. Kids in my care, and all.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, come on, you aren’t any older than we are.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: So, I not only entombed Katherine, but twenty-seven other vampires, and if we set them free, they’ll pretty much eat the entire town.

Damon Salvatore: I’m cool with that.

Stefan Salvatore: Me, not so much.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: Me, either. Kick-ass flaming pentagram powers activate!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: goes boom

Damon Salvatore: Noooooooo!</vader>

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: de-possesses Bonnie.

Damon Salvatore: eats Bonnie anyway

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I can save her with my blood!

Elena Gilbert: I cannot believe you just swapped fluids with my best fiend.

Matt Donovan: So, Caroline, I just dropped by to tell you that I don’t like you, but when we… cuddled… the other night… well, it made me… happy… and… I like being happy… and…

Thomas: facepalm

Damon Salvatore: mopes, decides to leave town

Bonnie Bennet: freaks out, hides in the car

Elena Gilbert: totally wants to bang Stefan

Stefan Salvatore: totally gets off on playing hard to get

The Closing Montage: Consists of mopey, weepy vampires and mopey, weepy high school girls.

Logan Fell: Hey, Aunt Jenna, I’m back from the dead. Aren’t you going to invite me in?

The Plot: thickens