The Vampire Diaries – S01E10 – The Turning Point

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Aunt Jenna: Look, (Probably a Vampire) Logan, I just told Hot New English Teacher Guy that he couldn’t come inside tonight, and there’s no way I’m inviting you in, either.

Thomas: You tell him, Jenna. Or at least keep him distracted while I move Logan’s name off of my “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list.

Logan Fell: Oh, come on, we both know you have no self esteem, and you’ll do what any reasonably attractive guy tells you to do.

Aunt Jenna: So, insults? Not a turn on, as such. door slam!

Logan Fell: Curses! Fortunately, there’s an old man…er, a nubile young jogger, upon whom to quench my insatiable thirst! fangs!

Nubile Young Jogger: dies

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Jeremy Gilbert: reads his grandfather’s worn old journal filled with emo poetry, occult symbols, and drawings of monsters. This inspires him to break out his sketch book, also filled with drawings of monsters. Well, at least The Count, from Sesame Street.

Annoyingly Happy Music: starts playing

The Director: would like to remind you that Elena is hot.

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Aunt Jenna: So, what’s up with your hot boyfriend?

Elena Gilbert: He’s leaving town, and I stopped asking him questions. His answers are scary.

Thomas: Odds that this statement comes up when Elena inevitably starts sleeping with Stefan? Very high.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, by the way, Logan dropped by. Don’t invite him in, he’ll eat you.

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Damon Salvatore: So, brother, where are we headed?

Stefan Salvatore: I am getting as far away from your best-friend murdering, Uncle’s neck snapping, teenager-eating, evil ass as possible.

Damon Salvatore: sadface

Sheriff Forbes: Hi, boys! So, that vampire you killed? Not the only one. Someone got themselves eaten last night. Help us help us we’re weak and afraid please help?

Damon Salvatore: WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: WTF?

—

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: flirt flirtatiously

Tyler Lockwood: looks on grumpily

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Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m sort of grateful to Stefan, for saving my life and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well, I’ll pass that along, if I ever see him again, which I won’t because he doesn’t love me and he’s leaving town and oh emo.

Bonnie Bennet: Thank God, I hated that freak!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

—

Stefan Salvatore: You said no more killing!

Damon Salvatore: Bro, chill! It wasn’t me. Though the presence of another vampire does conveniently rule out your plan to skip town, doesn’t it?

—

Random Blond Chick We’ll Never See Again: walks across the school yard with Elena, to make it seem like there are more than ten people in Mystic Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to squeeze your wounded heart a little. Also, new vampire in town, get home before dark. Tootles!

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Damon Salvatore: gets Caroline Forbes to use the Magic Vampire Compass to track the Evil Careless Jogger Eater, then Dracula-eyes her into leaving, because she’s vapid and annoying. So, mostly what I’m saying is that I’m a fan of Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what’s better than picking a lock? Ripping the door off the hinges.

Logan Fell: So, thanks for turning me into a vampire. Jerk. gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, totally wasn’t me. I don’t even like you. No way I want to spend eternity with you. Also: real nice, leaving that body lying around.

Logan Fell: What? I got tired! I’ve been careful with the rest. Look, I hid them in the back of this warehouse, right over there, in plain sight.

Damon Salvatore: facepalm

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Mystic Falls High School: Welcome to Career Day! Your options include: Sports Star, Joining the Military, or Being Stuck in This Lame Town Forever, Cursing the Day You Were Born. Choose carefully!

Elena Gilbert, Matt Donovan, Stefan Salvatore, and Caroline Forbes: are doing their best to form an It Was All Just A Big Mistake Love Rectangle. This thing is more complicated than Voltron.

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Logan Fell: So, I’m all emo now, and I want to know how you can walk in the sun when I can’t, because that’s not in the journals we Watchers all pass around, and also, more gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Ouch.

—

Stefan Salvatore: So, speaking of career fairs, I have a lot of interests that I’m only going to mention vaguely, so that the writers don’t have to think of them.

Elena Gilbert: But you didn’t love anything enough to stick with it?

Thomas: Oh, burn.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, I loved it all, but I have to skip town before anyone can notice I’m not getting any older.

Elena Gilbert: So you always ditch after a little while?

Stefan Salvatore: Haha, yeah, I’m never in one place for very long.

Thomas: Bro, subtext. The girl is not talking about your career!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what are your plans?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, growing old, becoming a withered husk, dying alone and miserable.

—

Aunt Jenna: Hey guys! Logan’s here!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, that’s odd, what with him being dead and all. Elena, why don’t you take your Aunt out for ice cream while I kill the nice vampire.

Logan Fell: I wanna walk in the day! Tell me how, or I’ll expose you on TV,

Stefan Salvatore: Son, I was eating people before you were in diapers. Step off.

—

Elena Gilbert: So, this is going to sound strange, but don’t ever talk to Logan again. For serious. If you do, you’re totally grounded.

Aunt Jenna: But I’m twenty!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi, hot girl I met at the bar!

Elena Gilbert: Good! Talk to this guy! There’s nothing odd or creepy about him at all!

Aunt Jenna: Okay!

—

Damon Salvatore: So, Logan’s the vampire, I got shot, and I’m angry. Also, shirtless.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

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Caroline Forbes: I’m totally into broadcast journalism now, even though I’ve never shown even the slightest interest before this very moment! And I totally need a ride home! If only a dashing broadcast journalist would drive by and offer me a ride! Also, it’s been a real long time since a vampire has snacked on me…

Logan Fell: Hey, Caroline! Would you like a ride home from a dashing broadcast journalist?

Caroline Forbes: Boy, would I!

Thomas: facepalm

Logan Fell: smashes Caroline’s head against the window, leaving a bloody smear.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Caroline Forbes: is apparently this town’s Designated Donor, now that Vicki’s dead.

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Mayor Lockwood: tries to start his own little Fight Club, with his son Logan and Jeremy Gilbert.

Alaric Saltzman: So, this is totally not cool, bro.

Mayor Lockwood: Do I look like one of your students?

Alaric Saltzman: No, you look like a full-grown, alpha-male douche bag.

Thomas: is now a member of Team Alaric.

Thomas: is now also a member of Team Alaric Needs to Change His Name to Something Less Gay.

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Logan Fell: So Sheriff, thanks for leaving me to get eaten and vamped. Your daughter is about to join me! </cell-phone>

Stefan Salvatore: emo newborn vampire interrupting powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: gunshots!

Stefan Salvatore: innocent young girl taking away powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So, who turned you?

Logan Fell: No idea, but I can totally help you get into the tomb where your psycho evil vampire ex girlfriend is trapped.

Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

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Tyler Lockwood: punches out Jeremy Gilbert

Jeremy Gilbert: What is your problem, man?

Tyler Lockwood: I don’t know!

The Full Moon: hangs conspicuously in the background

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Stefan Salvatore: I have to leave! I’m doing it for your own good!

Elena Gilbert: Screw that! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!

Bella Swan: I know what all of those words mean, but when you put them together in that order, they stop making sense…

Elena Gilbert: I love you, Stefan! passionate kiss!

Stefan Salvatore: I love you, Elena! fangs! shame!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t hide from me! I think your bloodshot, veiny eyes are hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Tasteful almost-nudity now?

Stefan Salvatore: Yes please.

Edward Cullen: This is not appropriate!

Stefan Salvatore: You know, he’s right.

The Screen: fades appropriately to black

—

Logan Fell: stalks from his secret warehouse hideout

A Mysterious Crashing Noise: crashes mysteriously

Alaric Saltzman: appears suddenly

Logan Fell: fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: stake!

Thomas: moves Logan back to the “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list

Team Alaric: confirmed

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Stefan Salvatore: So, now that you’re appropriately wearing my shirt, are you thirsty?

Elena Gilbert: Kinda. You? Oh, nevermind. neck cover

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’m going to go get you something to drink. Why don’t you look around at all my stuff. The photo of the girl I’m obsessed with, that looks exactly freaking like you, is on the desk. See you in a minute!

Elena Gilbert: OMG! This photo of the girl Stefan is obsessed with looks exactly freaking like me! storms off

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Sheriff Forbes: Hey Damon, we found Logan’s body. Thanks!

Damon Salvatore: WTF? sadface

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Stefan Salvatore: finds the locket he gave Elena sitting on top of Katherine’s picture

Stefan Salvatore: Well that didn’t go how I expected.

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Elena Gilbert: drives weepily, runs over a vampire

Mysterious Vampire: cracks his limbs back into place, stalks towards Elena

Elena Gilbert: terrified shriek

The Screen: cuts to black.