TM
The Vampire Diaries – S01E11 – Bloodlines
A tall figure walks through the shadows of a mostly-moonless night, an menacing fog sweeping around his feet. He passes the bodies of a Cute Young Couple, and stops to turn their heads to the side, confirming his suspicions: vampires. Satisfied he is on the right track, he presses forward, toward an old, moss-covered stone house. He slips inside, wincing slightly at the noise the heavy oak door makes as he swings it open. He makes his way to the study, and sits down in an old leather chair. A computer lays on the desk before him. He looks at it for long moments, remembering the familiarity they once shared, but hesitant due to the time that has passed between them. Finally, he blows a layer of dust off the keyboard and flicks the computer to life, basking in its cold light. He turns his head to each side and rolls his shoulders, cracks his knuckles, and begins to type…
Stefan Salvatore: Elena, I know you probably thought it was creepy, the way I had a photograph of a woman from a hundred and forty years ago that looks exactly like you, who also happens to be a vampire, and also also happens to be the vampire that made me into a stud vampire, but if you just come back I can totally mind whammy you explain everything.
Shadowy Figure of Mystery: lurks in the middle of the road
Elena Gilbert: smack! car flip! head trauma!
Shadowy Figure of Mystery: Well that was momentarily inconvenient. stalks hungrily
Elena Gilbert: Aieeeee!
Shadowy Figure of Mystery: runs away
Damon Salvatore: knight in tarnished armor powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: writes emo in his journal on his computer, dons a sweater that looks oddly like the one worn by the Shadowy Figure of Mystery, and flashes back to happier times when his wife wasn’t missing or dead or a Republican or whatever her trauma is.
Damon Salvatore: Road trip!
Elena Gilbert: WTF? Where are we?
Damon Salvatore: Georgia!
Elena Gilbert: WTF? OMG I was in a car wreck and I hit a guy except he wasn’t a guy he was like immortal or something and that surprises me even though I’m riding in a car with a vampire and no one knows where I am and I lost my cell phone and I need my cell phone because I’m a teenage girl and it’s like a law or something and OMG and emo and stop the car now please!
Damon Salvatore: Wow. You were way more fun when you were unconscious.
Elena Gilbert: pout
Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that a bare neck where your magic anti-mind-whammy necklace used to be? You know, I could totally make you more… agreeable… right now.
Damon Salvatore: is able to consistently out-creeper Edward Cullen
Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings
Elena Gilbert: Hey that’s my phone gimme gimme gimme!
Damon Salvatore: Sure, here you go. It’s Stephan.
Elena Gilbert: Never mind, you keep it. sulk
Damon Salvatore: smirk
Stefan Salvatore: phone smash!
Elena Gilbert: Really, I want to go home now.
Damon Salvatore: Come on, babe! Live a little! There’s this great BBQ joint right outside of Atlanta.
Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you not to mind-whammy me?
Damon Salvatore: innocent whistle
Alaric Saltzman: Oh noes, I have lost my magic ring of not exploding in the sunlight! Yet I am walking around in the sunlight! Perhaps the guy who was not a vampire in the books is not a vampire in the series, either!
Fans of the Books: put down their torches and pitchforks. but keep them close by
Stefan Salvatore: So, awkward attempt at small talk aside, can you use your witch-powers to make sure my girlfriend isn’t being eaten by my psycho brother?
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!
Thomas: God, that girl is annoying.
Bonnie Bennet: Wait, my powers aren’t working! I’m not a witch!
Thomas: Oh please, please let this be true. (hint: it isn’t)
Elena Gilbert: You brought me to a bar? In Georgia?
Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Damon? Smooch! Shots all around! Also, like every African-American woman on the show, I’m a witch!
Thomas: expletive deleted
Jeremy Gilbert and Anna No-Last-Name: meet cute
Cute Young Murder Victim Clock: starts ticking
Bonnie Bennet: Help help help my brain powers are gone!
Grandma Bennet: Oh honey, you’re just blocked up. You need to clear yourself out.
Bonnie Bennet: You mean, like a bran muffin?
Damon Salvatore: So, can you help me break into Katherine’s tomb?
Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Sorry, babe, that tomb is sealed up for time and eternity, no way to get in, and no way to get out.
Bonnie Bennet: takes a walk through the woods, falls down a mine shaft and into Katherine’s tomb
Thomas: head. desk.
Elena Gilbert: So, if I’m related to Katherine, does that make me part vampire?
Damon Salvatore: No, vampires can’t procreate. But we love to try.
Thomas: Best. Quote. Ever.
Damon Salvatore: By the way, I can totally eat pickles, because blood makes my body work pretty much like a living human’s. </interesting-mythology-moment>
Elena Gilbert: makes a whiskey face when she drinks beer
Stefan Salvatore: rescues Bonnie
Bonnie Bennet: I’m alive!
Thomas: Yeah, yeah, we know. grumble
Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo! One more round!
Damon Salvatore: 0_o
Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: wanders casually into the bar
Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of pool whoo!
Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: kidnap!
Damon Salvatore: search!
Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: ambush! You killed my girlfriend, who the readers may know as Lexi, Stephan’s hot naked friend from out of town!
Elena Gilbert: No, please, do not hurt the lying, murdering, evil psychopath with the wind-blown hair and soulful eyes!
Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: Very well, human girl I’ve known for all of twenty seconds, you have changed my mind! Vengeance is for… vengeful… people. Away!
Damon Salvatore: So, Bree, about that guy you brought in to kill me…
Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: So, um, I can totally help you get your psycho ex out of her tomb if you’ll just let me live oh and I spiked my drink with anti-vampire pot so you can’t eat me!
Damon Salvatore: Duly noted. rips her heart out of her chest. literally
Thomas: standing ovation
Elena Gilbert: So, about this crazy vampire chick that looks exactly like me and that you’re probably thinking about when we’re wink wink-ing and nudge nudge-ing…
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention how I was there the day your parents died, and I’m the one who pulled you out of the car, and how I tried to save your parents, too, but I was too late? And then I went all Edward Cullen on you to make sure you weren’t really my psycho vampire ex come back from the un-un-dead?
Elena Gilbert: Then why do I look so much like her?
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you didn’t know? You were adopted. Surprise!
Elena Gilbert: weep
Stefan Salvatore: comfort
Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: smooch!
Flashback time!
Damon Salvatore: snacks on Alaric Saltzman’s wife
Alaric Saltzman: looks on in impotent rage
The Plot: thickens
