The Vampire Diaries – S01E13 – Children of the Damned

A Creepy-Ass Carriage: Trundles down a dark, woodsy path.

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Wait for the Creep-Ass Carriage to run them over.

This: Will become much more dramatic when someone invents the internal combustion engine.

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: It ain’t safe out here, ma’am!

Katherine Pierce: Why, no, it isn’t! Fangs!

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: Dies.

Let’s Pretend That This Guy Isn’t A Slave: Also dies.

Katherine Pierce: Is a messy eater, and a sloppy kisser.

Damon Salvatore: Is strangely all right with this.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddly nakedly.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, guys!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Cover-snatch!

Damon Salvatore: Please, if I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: Gets all the best lines.

Damon Salvatore: So, you guys look for the journal that will lead us to the Book of Shadows that will lead us to some other McGuffin that will eventually lead us to Katherine. I’m going to go eat someone. Tootles!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Wait for it… wait for it… smooch!

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Giggle, tussle, smooch, fangs!

Asian Vampire Chick: So, the townsfolk are hitting up the anti-vampire pot. We’re getting really close to pitchforks-and-torches again. Time to move on?

Katherine Pierce: Pish tosh! I’m not done sullying the Salvatore brothers yet!

Anna No-Last-Name: Sup folks! Bet you never would have guessed that I have a long and torturous past with Katherine and the Salvatores, would you?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ow! Sunlight burns!

Anna No-Last-Name: You’re a vampire. And an idiot.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think Damon’s figured out we’re gonna stab him in the back yet?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah! I’m sure that my evil, deceitful brother, who has a century and a half’s worth of experience lying and detecting lies, trusts me fully.

Elena Gilbert: And if he manages to set Katherine fee?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you know. Wholesale slaughter, the end of days, the usual. Also, probably cake. Katherine loves cake.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, look at all the old crap you guys found! It’s almost as old as the journal of our vampire-slaying forefather, which I lent to Alaric “Why No, I’m Not a Vampire Slayer” Saltzman!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Significant look.

Alaric Saltzman: Treats one-hundred-and-fifty year old historical relics with all the care and concern you’d show an old issue of TV Guide.

Creepy Shadow Vampire: Creeps through the shadows.

Alaric Saltzman: Pulls a pneumatic stake launcher out of his school locker.

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Stake launch!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake catch! Teacher throw! So, what’s with the Van Helsing routine?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, you know. Wife murdered by vampires, sworn to a life of secrecy and revenge, became a high school history teacher because the girls are hot. The usual.

Stefan Salvatore: The Gilbert journal?

Alaric Saltzman: On my desk.

Stefan Salvatore: No it’s not.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh… poop. sadface

Anna No-Last-Name: Blah blah blah, stilted English, oh creepy he thought my mom was hot, Katherine is going to turn the Salvatore brothers, Damon has daddy issues… God, this diary sucks. Is Jersey Shore on or something?

Damon Salvatore: Cooks dinner for Aunt Jenna.

Aunt Jenna: Hey, have I ever told you how my single defining character trait is talking about my bad romances? See, there was this guy, Logan Fell… Slams a glass of wine.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, yeah, him. They never found his body him, did they? Hey, here, have more wine!

Elena Gilbert: Um…

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, by the way, your brother was totes the guy who ate my wife, and I’m totes going to ram a stake through his dead, black heart.

Stefan Salvatore: You… might want to keep that tidbit to yourself.

Damon Salvatore: So, can I trust Stephan?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why would you say that? That’s crazy talk! Of course you can trust him he’s your brother and he loves you and he would never lie to you and he would certainly never hatch a plan to lock you in a magic witch tomb with your psycho ex vampire lover so that he can finally catch up on Days of Our Lives without worrying about whether or not you’re going to eat the cleaning lady! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Well, that was… convincing.

Stefan Salvatore: So, I’m thinking about telling Dad that we’re both shacking up with a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Our dad, the Founder and President of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, and Treasurer of the “We Hate Vampires” club? That dad? Sure, sounds like a great plan. Idiot.

Aunt Jenna: Your hot boyfriend’s hot brother is hot! And he cooks!

Damon Salvatore: Smirk.

Elena Gilbert: He’s an ass.

Damon Salvatore: Eye roll.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sings Metallica Karaoke

Thomas: Has been there, done that.

Bonnie Bennet: I love Elena! I’d like die for her!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: That can be arranged.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: So, about the weird hot asian chick that’s always asking about Gilbert the Vampire Slayer’s journal?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, she’s so clingy. She wants to meet at the grill tonight.

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll drive!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, that weird hot stalker asian chick looks a lot like Katherine’s vampire friend’s… daughter… OMG WTF?!? Dun dun dun!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, it says here that your father promised to carry the secrets of the Book of Shadows with him to his grave!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, I bet that totally doesn’t mean it’s literally buried in his coffin with him! And there’s no way Damon’s going to go exhuming his body or anything wacky like that!

Stefan Salvatore: So, dad, I was thinking… how do we know vampires are all evil? What if one of them was good? And hot? Like, really, really hot?

Daddy Salvatore: What? Have you any evidence of this foolishness? Have you even met a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: What? No! Haha! Of course I’ve never met a vampire. And I’ve definitely never wink-wink-ed and nudge-nudge-ed one. Why do you ask? Nervous laugh.

Stefan Salvatore: Holy crap, the Book of Shadows is literally buried in his coffin with him! And we’re going to go exhuming his body or something wacky like that!

Damon Salvatore: Throat grab!

Anna No-Last-Name: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, okay, we both let go on three… two… one…

Stefan Salvatore: You’re hot.

Katherine Pierce: I know. Tackle, smooch, bite! Gag! Anti-vampire pot!

Daddy Salvatore: What ho! Her true form is revealed! You go get the Sheriff! And I shall stand here ineffectively, watching her until she inevitably recovers and murders me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: So, the night is young and I’m all yours… what do you want to do?

Bonnie Bennet: This! Smooch! Gasp! Freak out and quickly recover!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Wait, what’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, nothing! I just should have waited until the end of the night to kiss you! I totally didn’t have a psychic flash of impending doom and death and woe, like I did the first time I touched Stephan, who is also a vampire! Nervous laugh. Hey, I have to run to the bathroom real quick!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Okay! Oh, and by the way, Fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Digs up his father’s grave.

Elena Gilbert: Helps by standing by and making inane comments.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys! That sure is a nice Book of Shadows you got there!

Damon Salvatore: So, since you’re obviously not going to just give me the Book of Shadows… hey Elena, here, drink some of my blood!

Elena Gilbert: Gurgle, cough, sputter!

Damon Salvatore: So… gimme the book, or I snap her neck, which would turn her into a vampire, which wold mean you’d have to put up with her forever.

Stefan Salvatore: Well since you put it that way…

Daddy Salvatore: Slaps a Vampire Chastity Belt over Katherine’s fangs.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan! I’ll never forgive you for this! At least until the second season!

Anna No-Last-Name: Me, either!

Stefan Salvatore: Sadface.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, have you guys seen Anna No-Last-Name?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what? Super speed Elena protecting vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Is missing.

The Window: Is open conspicuously.

The Plot: Thickens.