The Vampire Diaries – S01E15 – A Few Good Men

Moonlight shines down on an empty clearing in the woods, casting everything in an eerie glow. Nearby, empty cans of beer and the smoldering remains of cigarettes – and other smokeables – litter the ground, evidence of a party that has recently broken up. The moonlight glistens off a recently used flamethrower, laying next the the charred body of a creepy-ass former bar-tending vampire. The detritus of some arcane magical spell tell those knowledgeable in such things exactly what occurred here.

Producer: Well, previously, on The Vampire Diaries….

Thomas: just realized that if Isobel is Elena’s mother… Alaric might be her father. God, I hope she doesn’t think he’s hot…

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Hikes through the forrest, in the middle of the day, with cheerful sunlight beaming down on him, nary a care in the world.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Dude, what day is it?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Saturday.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: What year?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Um… two-thousand… ten…?

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Woah. Bummer. Well, it was nice to meet you! Fangs!

Thomas: So, all of Katherine’s vampire buddies have Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight. We’re less than a minute into this, and already the Plot: thickens.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Aaaand since you aren’t using these clothes anymore… yoink!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Bonnie I love you Bonnie and I miss you Bonnie and I’m sorry your Grandma died but I know what that’s like because my fake mother died only I didn’t know she was my fake mother so it really really sucked and I hope you come back soon because it’s in your contract and the producer would get all angry again! Bye bye!

Aunt Jenna: So, who wants to know about their biological mother?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, oh, I do, I do! Pick me, pick me!

Aunt Jenna: Okay! So I borrowed the medical records from you fathers practice, because HIPPA doesn’t apply on television, and then I used my awesome detective skills to track your mother’s sister-cousin-whatever down!

Elena Gilbert: You mean you used-

Aunt Jenna: That’s right! Bing!

Thomas: Eff you, show.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, so your biological mother might be Alaric’s wife? But she’s dead!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! That would mean both my mothers are dead! Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, it can’t be. There’s no way your mother was married to a vampire slayer, and got eaten by Damon.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey look at the time got to go Damon needs me see you later call me babe! Two fingers, miming a phone.

Damon Salvatore: Is mourning Katherine’s loss/betrayal/indifference. And by “mourning,” of course, I mean “cavorting with and snacking on a bunch of mostly naked sorority chicks.”

Stefan Salvatore: So… did you eat Elena’s real mother?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, probably. Who can keep track, amiright? Anyway, I need to go exploit some women! TTFN!

Thomas: Really doesn’t have to change Damon’s dialog to make it funny.

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Cuddle on the couch, watching some kind of sports show.

Caroline Forbes: This is boring. We should do something not boring.

Matt Donovan: Like…?

Caroline Forbes: Sexy time!

Mamma Donovan: Oh god, not on the couch.

Matt Donovan: Ah!

Caroline Forbes: Eep!

Matt Donovan: Strategically places a pillow on top of Caroline.

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Hang up a sign for the Mystic Falls Meat Parade

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Smootch!

Aunt Jenna: So… this seems like a convenient time to ask… were you married to Elena’s mother?

Alaric Saltzman: No way, Isobel never had a baby.

Aunt Jenna: You sure? Here, look at this photo I have on my Product Placement iPhone.

Alaric Saltzman:

Elena Gilbert: Is now driving a Product Placement… car I don’t recognize. But it’s sporty!

Elena Gilbert: So, do you know Isobel Flemming? And did she happen to look a lot like me when she was a teenager?

Trudi Peterson: OMG you’re her daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Well that was easy. Do you know who my daddy is?

Trudi Peterson: Yes I do, and holy hell does that answer scare the crap out of me. No, no I most certainly do not. Oh, tea’s done! Lemme go grab that!

Trudi Peterson (on her cell phone): She’s here!

Alaric Saltzman: So about your brother eating my wife…

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, now is seriously not the time.

Alaric Saltzman: …and Elena’s mother…

Stefan Salvatore: Jaw clench, angry pout, close face.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Kiss him kiss him kiss him!

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll deal with it. Stalks away angrily.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: They never kiss. Pout.

Alaric Saltzman: So whatcha up to babe?

Isobel Flemming: Nothing much. Just researching vampires!

Trudi Peterson: Hey, I’ve got some photos to distract you until the creeper I called shows up show you! And you haven’t touched your tea which I roofied!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, this tea tastes like anti-vampire pot!

Trudi Peterson: Hey look at the time well it was nice talking to you now could you please get the hell out of my house now k thnx bye!

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Lurks creepily in the middle of the street.

Ominous Music: Lets us know that we should be afraid. Thanks, music!

Alaric Saltzman: Deals with his grief in the traditional manner: alcoholism.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, mind if I join you! Being sober is depressing!

Alaric Saltzman: You aren’t the type to get depressed.

Damon Salvatore: Do you… know me?

Alaric Saltzman: What me no never saw you before and I’m sure not looking for revenge for you eating my wife!

Damon Salvatore: Note to self: eat new history teacher.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! I’m mourning the loss of my psycho vampire ex! And your husband went gay! We have so much in common! We should be drinking buddies!

Sheriff Forbes: Hey, do you want to be part of our Bachelor Raffle?

Damon Salvatore: A room full of women, clamoring for a date with me? Sounds… tasty.

Thomas: Really, I just quote him. That’s all I need to do.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and can you check out Alaric Saltzman for me? He seems shifty.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Thanks for letting me know the kid showed up.

Trudi Peterson: Dies.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Culture shock!

Some Woman on a Park Bench: Meaningful look.

Elena Gilbert: Stephan?

Damon Salvatore: Even better! Me! And I’m mostly naked!

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: So… your mom was totally banging your history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF I have to talk to him.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so… could you not?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Because Damon killed your mom and Alaric wants him dead. Oh, no reason. Innocent whistle.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry I had to tell you your wife had a kid! But now you can be bestest friends with her daughter, my niece, and your history student: Elena!

Alaric Saltzman: Hello bourbon, my best and only friend! Clang!

Caroline Forbes: My boyfriend is cougar bait!

Mamma Donovan: Hey Elena! You broke my son’s heart! Hey rebound girl from the couch!

Sheriff Forbes: So I did some checking. Alaric Saltzman’s wife was murdered. Her name’s Isobel. Here’s here picture!

Damon Salvatore:

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did I ever tell you how I met your wife? Had a drink with her once. She was… delicious.

Thomas: Seriously. Direct quote.

Salt and Wound: Meet.

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF you rat bastard!

Damon Salvatore: Oh relax, he’s just the history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: That was my mother!

Damon Salvatore: …well that’s awkward.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: I have a message for you. Stop looking for your mother. She doesn’t want to know you.

Elena Gilbert: My mother’s alive! I have to find her.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: That’s… kind of like what I had in mind. But whetevs, my mission here is done. Plays in traffic.

That: Ends splat-ily.

Damon Salvatore: Are you really that stupid?

Alaric Saltzman: Yep! Stake lunge!

Damon Salvatore: Falcon punch!

Falcon Punch: Solves teen pregnancy. And vampire slayers.

Alaric Saltzman: What did you do to my wife?

Damon Salvatore: Slept with her, of course. Oh, and turned her into a vampire. And then slept with her again. Stab!

Alaric Saltzman: Gurgle, gurgle, dying.

Stefan Salvatore: WTF man? These are nice carpets!

Damon Salvatore: Whatevs, man. I’m going to go back to obsessing about Katherine. Later!

Alaric Saltzman: Twitch, groan, oh god I almost wish I was still dead.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, so you a vampire now?

Alaric Saltzman: Nope! My wife gave me a Ring of Not Dying When Damon Rams A Stake Through My Lung! The little strumpet.

Elena Gilbert: Dials the Creepy Ass Old Guy’s phone

Isobel Flemming: Was there a problem?

Elena Gilbert: Mommy?

Isobel Flemming: Click

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Meets up with Pearl and Anna-No-Last-Name.

The Plot: Is already pretty thick, thank you very much.