The Vampire Diaries – S01E16 – There Goes the Neighborhood

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Om nom nom.

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Orgasmic sigh.

Anna: Um… you okay?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Yes I am perfectly fine and no there are no vampires holding me hostage and drinking my blood would you like some pie? </stepford-wife>

Anna: D-:

Matt Donovan: Mom, we talked about this. You were out way past your curfew, you brought a boy home with you, and you need to get a job.

Caroline Forbes: Hi, Momma Donovan!

Momma Donovan: Rowar! Cat Hiss!

Caroline Forbes: D-:

Stefan Salvatore: Woe is me! Damon still won’t make out talk to me!

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! My mother is missing got eaten by Damon is a vampire! Who’s related to the vampire that sired you, and screwed damon over!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampires suck.

Jacob “Abs” black: Word.

Matt Donovan: Wanna watch a movie tonight?

Caroline Forbes: And spend time with your deadbeat alcoholic mother who also hates me? Boy do I!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Smooch!

Matt Donovan: She used to kiss me like that…

Caroline Forbes: What was that?

Matt Donovan: What nothing got to go late for class pick out a movie I’ll see you later bye!

Pearl: And this is how you send a text message, which is what you do when you don’t want to talk to somebody.

Anna: I mind-whammied us a car and an ATM card! Let’s go shopping!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr, I’m overbearing and paranoid!

Harper: I’m meek and helpful, just like my kind should be!

Thomas: Well that’s awkward.

Caroline Forbes: We should go on a double date! So I can make sure my manwhore of a boyfriend doesn’t still have the hots for you!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds…

Stefan Salvatore: Like a great idea!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what now?

Pearl: Hi, Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi, Pearl! Throat grab!

Pearl: Aww, it’s so cute when you pretend to be all tough. Damon tossing powers activate!

Anna: Smirk!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’ve recently discovered that vampires are real, and I need to know how to defend myself and the people I love! Where can I find this information I know, an internet chat room!

Pearl: So Anna tells me you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council. Have you ever considered a career as a double agent?

Damon: Have you ever considered a career in shutting the hell up?

Pearl: Hm. You make an interesting proposition. To which I reply: eye gouge!

Thomas: Huh. Pearl’s kind of a badass.

Stefan Salvatore: Surprise! Flowers!

Elena Gilbert: Aww! That’s so sweet I want to cancel our double date!

Stefan Salvatore: I thought you wanted to be more “normal teenager” and less “I’m dating a vampire who’s brother is a vampire, and they’re both surrounded by vampires that keep trying to eat me and do that freaky dracula-eyes thing.”

Elena Gilbert: Have you ever even been on a double date?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure. ’72. Twins. Playmates, actually. I got Ms. June.

Elena Gilbert: Is oddly okay with that.

Momma Donovan: You’re an alcoholic! That’s sexy!

Damon Salvatore: You’re an old woman. That’s not sexy.

Aunt Jenna: I used to be an alcoholic! I’m twenty!

Shots: All around.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Push!

Harper: Shove!

Pearl: Throat grab! Bad vampire! No treat!

Elena Gilbert: So how do you like working here at the Bar-Grill-Pizzaria-Pool-Hall?

Matt Donovan: It’s great! My girlfriend looks down on me, I’m trapped in a dead-end job, and I don’t make enough money to take care of my deadbeat mother! Also: they cannot keep a bartender.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: I’m dead!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Knowing look.

Damon, Momma Donovan, and Aunt Jenna: More shots whoooooooo!

Everyone else: 0_o

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well, I’ve decided to ignore Pearl’s orders and head into town! Sure hope no one gets staked!

Anna: He Jeremy, I’m back!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! I’m anemic! I bet my blood tastes horrible!

Damon Salvatore: The primary reason for my existence has deserted me, and after the events of today, the shaking remains of the ground I walk on are about to go “kaboom.” Crazy eyes.

Momma Donovan and Aunt Jenna: …so… more shots whoooooooo!

Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan: Hey, do you remember all of those stories from when we were dating, that totally don’t involve the people we’re dating now? Weren’t those great?

Caroline Forbes: Gilbert. Bathroom. Now.

Aunt Jenna: Ooooh crap they saw us I know they saw us dammit we’re busted how am I ever going to be a responsible adult now that my niece has seen me doing shots with her ex-boyfriend’s deadbeat mom and her boyfriend’s ridiculously hot brother?

Jeremy Gilbert: So… have you ever wondered if vampires might be real? And living in Mystic Falls? And sitting on my couch?

Anna: What no why would you say that that’s just silly and I totally made everything I ever told you about vampires up. Nervous laugh.

Caroline Forbes: So rowar could you scratch stop hitting claw on my bite boyfriend?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey, Katherine!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, this double date was a great idea!

Stefan Salvatore’s Cell Phone: Hey babe! The skeezy guy over buy the bar just called me Katherine! Hoping to not get kidnapped again tonight! <3 E (Sent from my Product Placement Blackberry)

Stefan Salvatore: So Matt… you know how you said people didn’t like me because I seem rich and entitled and spoiled? You are really going to hate my mansion and my really old, really expensive sports car that Thomas can’t identify.

Aunt Jenna: I’m drunk! And I broke a heel!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well allow me to break the other one! Also: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Aunt Jenna: Wide, glassy eyes. Ha! Did I mention I’m drunk! And you’re kinda lame!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Pout. Hey, what’s that scent you’re wearing?

Aunt Jenna: Oh, Elena gave it to me. I think it’s called “eau de anti-vampire pot.”

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s have dinner! I’ll slice up the meat!

Thomas: He’s going to cut himself. There is no way he’s not going to cut himself. If he doesn’t cut himself, I’ll eat this keyboard.

Jeremy Gilbert: Cuts himself. On purpose.

Thomas: I’ll be damned. They still managed to surprise me. Well played, show, well played.

Anna: Grr! Arg! Yum!

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Make up, kiss, manage not to get eaten.

Damon Salvatore and Momma Donovan: Bow chicka bow wow!

Matt Donovan: Mom?!?

Momma Donovan: Well this is awkward.

Pearl: Anna! Where have you been, young lady?

Anna: Well I sure wasn’t making out with / snacking on the Gilbert boy, that’s for sure! Nervous laugh.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window Crash!

Damon Salvatore: Vampire wrestling powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire’s Skeezy Girlfriend: Window Crash!

Stephan Salvatore: Vampire stake through the heart powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey look at the time got to be going bye!

Stephan Salvatore: Waitaminute, they were trapped in the tomb…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, about that…

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: So… Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend might have gotten staked when we attacked the Salvatore brothers, kinda like you said.

Pearl: Hmm. Well, no biggie. Also: stab!

Elena Gilbert: I had a really good time on our date tonight!

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a liar!

Elena Gilbert: Am not! Aside from Matt hitting on me all night, and Caroline getting all catty with me, and your brother making out with Momma Donovan, it was great!

Damon Salvatore: Burns the Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend’s body in the fireplace.

Anna: How did you know I was a vampire?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. It might have had something to do with all of the articles you gave me to read on vampires, oh, and the way you fanged out when I kissed you. Also: can you make me a vampire please huh please can you?

The Plot: Thickens.