The Vampire Diaries – S01E17 – Let the Right One In

Jeremy Gilbert: You have to make me a vampire!

Anna: No! I cannot condemn you to a life of… being able to walk around in the sun with our magic rings of not exploding, and living off of… conveniently available blood supplies, and being eternally young, and hot and… um… trust me, it’s a curse, all right! And why do you want to be a vampire, anyway?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because, um, well, er, you see…

Anna: Huh. Compelling argument, sparky.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: You mean like you did last episode? How’d that work for you? Girlfriend still dead?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am sad vampire! Sad vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: That’s great, honey. I’m going into town tomorrow, to check out the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire again! Angry vampire smash stupid Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Pearl: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Let’s go kick Pearl’s ass! With two of us, I bet she won’t even gouge out my eyes again!

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s think this through carefully, and concoct a plan that will result in minimal conflict, causalities, and entertainment!

Elena Gilbert: Can I get kidnapped again? Please?

Anna: Hey, nice anti-vampire pot bracelet!

Jeremy Gilbert: Thanks! My sister gave it to me! Wanna wear it? I <3 you!

Anna: You just wanna get in my pants coffin.

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, not just…

Stefan Salvatore: Going hunting!

Damon Salvatore: Say ‘hi’ to the squirrels for me!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey Stefan! Stake!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: You have 6 new messages from Damon Salvatore.

Damon Salvatore: You’re ignoring me.

Elena Gilbert: You’re a douche.

Damon Salvatore: Stefan is missing.

Elena Gilbert: Did I say “douche”? I meant “Charming, dashing, ever so helpful vampire who’s going to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back.” Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Pearl! Open this door or I’ll find someone older than you to kick your ass!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Sorry, Pearl’s not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message, please scream “stop torturing my brother!” after I insert a stake in his gut. Stake!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey ladies, what do you say to a little fan service?

Stefan Salvatore: Is tied up, mostly naked, and heaving.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Please use your magic ring of not dying to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back from the skeezy undead kidnappers!

Alaric Saltzman: Sorry miss, this ain’t my fight.

Damon Salvatore: Pearl can help you find your wife.

Alaric Saltzman: Let’s saddle up!

Jeremy Gilbert: You should turn me because my life sucks and I’m alone and oh emo!

Anna: You want a pity turn?

Thomas: Loves the writers.

Anna: No way, babe. We only turn people for various nefarious purposes. Oh, and true love. And there’s no way I’m going to truly love you for at least another episode or two.

Mayor Lockwood: Why hello there Pearl! It’s always nice to meet a hot potential voter! This is my son Tyler, who is still on this show!

Damon Salvatore: Wooden stakes, tranquilizer darts filled with anti-vampire pot, Anne Rice novels… looks like you’re good to go, Alaric.

Elena Gilbert: Ooh ooh ooh I wanna join the suicide mission too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, true love, I’d die for Stefan, blah bah blah. I can’t kick all manner of vampire ass if I’m also worried about your pert, nubile… ahem, so you can drive the getaway vehicle.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, can I use your phone? My car broke down.

The Human Who Owns the House: Sure!

Alaric Saltzman: And can you invite in my super good friend Damon?

The Human Who Owns the House: Oh, no, he’s not allowed in the house.

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s inconvenient. Say, do you have anyone else living in the house? Husband, kids, grandkids?

The Human Who Owns the House: Why no! It’s just me!

Damon Salvatore: Excellent. Neck snap!

Thomas: Standing ovation!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m bored. Wanna fang?

Anna: Hey! We’re a secret, remember?

Pearl: So, who’s that boy chatting up my sweet, innocent daughter?

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just Jeremy Gilbert, of the Vampire Hunting Gilberts.

Pearl: Angryface.

Damon Salvatore: Stake stake stakity-stake!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneakity-sneak!

Alaric Saltzman: Goddammit Elena. Rescue, rescue, rescity-rescue!

Caroline Forbes: Well, here I am, with a broken down car, no cell phone service, and rather insensible shoes. I better go traipsing through the woods! Hey, look, a dead body! Aieee!

Pearl: Stop seeing Jeremy Gilbert!

Anna: Okay.

Thirty seconds later:

Anna: Hey Jeremy, wanna fang?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I missed you and I love you and wow you sure are hot when you’re all naked and tied up and that gives me ideas for later tonight but wait you’re still in danger so let’s get you out of here and get you fed but not on me that’s gross and then let’s wink-wink and nudge-nudge!

Damon Salvatore: Women. Anyway, you two get out of here. As for me: Avenging Angel of Death powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Leaves a trail of bodies all through Pearl’s House of Significantly Fewer Vampires for Fredrick to find, and kicks all manner of ass.

Thomas: Note to self: do not piss off Damon.

A Bunch of Vampires: Vampire gang bang!

Damon Salvatore: Sadface

Alaric Saltzman: Rescue! Despite the fact that you ate murdered vamped my wife!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! I have tripped and fallen and cut open my hand! I hope this doesn’t drive Stefan into a blood-crazed frenzy! And look, our car has been inconveniently disabled!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window break! Boyfriend grab! Stake! Stake! Stake!

Elena Gilbert: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Erk!

Stefan Salvatore: Ack!

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Some Vampire: Fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Damon Salvatore: Let’s blow this popsicle stand!

Dozens of Vampires: Surround Pearl’s House of One or Two ^^{Lots and Lots of} Vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Back door?

Alaric Saltzman: Back door.

Momma Donovan: I made dinner!

Caroline Forbes: I found a body!

Sheriff Forbes: It was your daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you need to wake up because I love you and I love your abs and you can’t die because I’d miss you and also that skeezy vampire is waking up and I’d really like it if you killed him and hey look I’m bleeding and now I have a plan!

Stefan Salvatore: Reluctant fangs!

Elena Gilbert: Ambiguously orgasmic expression!

Pearl: What did you do?!?

Damon Salvatore: Um, rescued my brother from your merry band of torturers?

Pearl: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Carry on, then.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire stake stupid Stefan Salvatore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who just drank human blood for the first time in a century, and is feeling a lot better? <– this guy!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Range! Stake stake stake stake stake!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Stop!

Stefan Salvatore: Shove! Shock! Sorrow!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: So, it sure was awkward how you saw me go all medieval on that skeezy vampire, wasn’t it? Nervous laugh.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, it’s all my fault! My delicious blood done drive you into a frenzy!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: Rings inconviniently.

Elena Gilbert: Hold on… Wait, they found whose body where?

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Matt Donovan: No, thanks, I’m going to cry on the shoulder of my hot ex-girlfriend, of whom you are vastly jealous.

Elena Gilbert: Hi, Matt!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, we were bad. ass.

Alaric Saltzman: Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: So, same time next week? Call me!

Damon Salvatore: Walks past lots and lots of empty blood bags.

Stefan Salvatore: Is huddled in a corner like an addict on a three day Meth bender.

The Plot: Thickens.