The Vampire Diaries – S01E18 – Under Control

Stefan Salvatore: Is using the “exercise and more exercise” method of dealing with his sexual frustrations bloodlust.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, you sure worked up a sweat! You know what you need? A nice warm glass of type O-Negative.

Stefan Salvatore: No! I cannot! For it is wrong, and I am a noble, penitent vampire! Perhaps even with a soul! </angel>

Damon Salvatore: Okay then. Well, I’ll just leave this glass sitting here on the end table..

Stefan Salvatore: Salivate, tummy ruble, drool…

Damon Salvatore: Ha! Gotcha!

Uncle John Gilbert: Has never been a good guy on a show ever, even if he seemed like a good guy to start out. Chances he’s a dick on TVD: about 100%.

Aunt Jenna: Hey uncle John! Did you sign the escrow papers so I can sell the old office so I can put Elena and Jeremy through college, and pay for the treatment for Lassie’s cancer, and feed some starving orphans?

Uncle John Gilbert: Ha, no! I’m going to use this one area of power to force myself back into your life, and make you cater to my every whim!

Uncle John Gilbert: Is a dick.

Elena Gilbert: My family situation is all screwed up!

Matt Donovan: My Family situation is screwed up!

Elena Gilbert: Let’s console each other!

Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes (Offscreen): Grumble, angst, pout.

Tyler Lockwood: Did you hear? They say Vicki ODed!

Jeremy Gilbert: Really?

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah man. They found a needle hole the size of a wooden stake right through her heart.

Jeremy Gilbert: Damn, that’s hardcore.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, fellow members of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, I fear I must report that the local blood bank had been raided, and numerous hikers and campers have gone missing. Those found have had their throats torn out, and been drained of blood. I fear there are vampires in your midst!

Mayor Lockwood: Is an adult in a teen horror series, and thus doesn’t believe him.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! Check out this history paper your brother wrote. It’s about vampires!

Elena Gilbert: What? But how could he know? I’ve done everything possible to protect him from this terrible knowledge! Like having Damon loooook into his eyyyyyyyyyyes </dracula> and burry his vampire ex-girlfriend’s body in a shallow grave and everything!

Aunt Jenna: Hey Uncle John! You’re a dick!

Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, why does she hate you so much?

Uncle John Gilbert: I never told her the Gilbert Family Secret: we’re vampire hunters! Also: we used to sleep together.

Aunt Jenna: Hey!

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about my brother! And I’m tired of all these secrets!

Stefan Salvatore: Have you thought about telling him the truth?

Elena Gilbert: What? That’s crazy talk! Anyway: smooch!

Stefan Salvatore: Grr! Arg! Ugh!

Elena Gilbert: What’s wrong?

Stefan Salvatore: My… fangs… are popping… out.

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about Stefan!

Damon Salvatore: Me too! He’s got a real chance to stop being such a boring dick all the time, and I’m really worried he’s gonna blow it. Hey, nice underwear drawer!

Stefan Salvatore: You know what always helps me get control of myself? Whiskey! Clang!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted! Let’s talk about vampires!

Jeremy Gilbert: …?

Stefan Salvatore: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Tyler Lockwood: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Thomas: Loves these people.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Wanna dance!

Elena Gilbert: You hate dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: Sober me hates dancing. Drunk me is about to act a fool!

Elena Gilbert: No one else is dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s because this music sucks! Hey DJ: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> Whoo!

Damon Salvatore: That’s my boy!

Elena Gilbert: You spin me right round baby, right round!

Elena Gilbert: Bumps into some dude on the dance floor.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Watch it, you clumsy cow!

Stefan Salvatore: Beer muscle powers activate! Plus, Dracula eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: I am very very sorry and it will never happen again and I think I wet myself can I go now please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: See babe! Nothing to worry about when I’m around!

Elena Gilbert: 0_o

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did you hear the story about the vampires who got sealed in an underground tomb, and were set free by a vampire named Damon salvatore, who happens to be masquerading as a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you hear the story about a guy who tried to threaten a vampire and got his neck snapped, and then got tossed over the balcony?

Jeremy Gilbert: Elena! Tell me the truth! Do you believe this story about Vicki ODing?

Elena Gilbert: What? What do you mean? Of course I do! Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Why won’t you look me in the eyes and say that?

Elena Gilbert: What? That doesn’t mean anything!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yes it does! I watch Lie to Me! And The Mentalist!

Momma Donovan: Awkward sexy time?

Tyler Lockwood: Eh, why not?

Matt Donovan: Dude? What the hell! Facepunch!

Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Reversal! Mount! Facepunch! Facepunch! Facepunch!

Alaric Saltzman: Dude, what the hell’s wrong with you?

Tyler Lockwood: Oh, I don’t know. Must be the full moon or something.

Damon Salvatore: So, do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope! Whiskey!

Damon Salvatore: Allow me to rephrase: do you want to hear about how the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council is back in vampire hunting mode, or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?

Thomas: Really. Direct quote. <3 Damon.

Momma Donovan: Weep, bleed, weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Why Mrs. Donovan! You combine two of my favorite traits in a woman: emotional dependency and open wounds! FInger lick!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, they sure did hire some hot women to come to this party!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m not dead!

Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did you notice Uncle John is wearing the same kind of Ring of Not Dying that you are?

Alaric Saltzman: You mean…?

Damon Salvatore: Yep. Pretty sure he was sleeping with your wife, too.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Shove! Taunt! Punch!

Stefan Salvatore: Fist grab! Hand crunch! Veiny Eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Hey look at the time go to be going what the hell are you please don’t eat me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Rummages through Elena’s room.

Elena Gilbert’s Diary: “Dear Diary, Stefan is a vampire! So is Damon! So was Vicki! But Stefan killed her and Damon took away Jeremy’s memories! So glad that’s over! Hehe! <3 -Elena”

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Some Dude on the Dance Floor was beaten up and is laying on the ground! Sure hope Stefan doesn’t have anything to do with this! Tee hee!

Tyler Lockwood: I’m sorry dad! I don’t know what came over me!

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, it’s okay, son!

Tyler Lockwood: Really?

Mayor Lockwood: Ha, no! Faceslap!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey guys! I know all about you vampires, and Katherine, and I’m also the one that sent your wife to Damon to get vamped, oh, and I’ve got a kill switch on my computer that will email all of the sexy photos dark secrets I have on you guys to the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council if anything happens to me. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: …but I, er…

Alaric Saltzman: …but he, wibble…

Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, you lying hussy!

Stefan Salvatore: Window creep! Hey, Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Heart attack! Hey babe! What’s up?

Stefan Salvatore: I got Mama Donovan’s blood on my hands, and it freaked me out, and I almost ate a guy, and I think I’m an addict and please please help.

Thomas: Well I’ll be damned. He actually told her.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: <3

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! We’ve got a problem… … and wow, you look like crap. Tell you what, I’m going to leave this cup of blood sitting here on the table, and head to bed. Later!

Stefan Salvatore: …Clang!

The Plot: Thickens.