The Vampire Diaries – S01E19 – Miss Mystic Falls

Stefan Salvatore: Sports car: check. Leather jacket: check. Sunglasses: check.

Midlife Crisis: Underway.

Elena Gilbert: Hey babe! Does this mean you kicked your drug blood habit?

Stefan Salvatore: Ha! No! Now where are your cheerleader buddies?

Uncle John Gilbert: So, looks like your brother some as-of-yet unknown vampire has been stealing blood from the local Red Cross. Wanna help me track him down and stake him?

Damon Salvatore: I’m thinking… no.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! Guess how Damon has been spending his nights!

Damon Salvatore: Why, helping you track down evil, evil vampires of course! Innocent smirk!

Sheriff Forbes: It’s all right, Damon. I know all about your porn collection. You don’t have to be ashamed.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m back in school! And I’m a vampire!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m back in school! And I’m a witch! With straight hair! And bangs!

Alaric Saltzman: I’m teaching a class on Founder’s Day! Because this story needs exposition!

Anna: My mommy’s very very sorry that her friends kidnapped and tortured your brother!

Damon Salvatore: But not sorry enough to come and tell me herself?

Anna: Mommy doesn’t do apologies!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Well, Damon doesn’t do forgiveness, so that works.

Anna: By the way: your brother’s robbing the blood bank!

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in weeks! How’s it going, bestest of bestest buddies!

Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in… oh, that’s right! We’ve talked on the phone every night since you left! Mostly about how you hate vampires! And the girls that date them! Hey, I need help picking out a dress for Miss Mystic Falls!

Elena Gilbert: Miss Mystic Falls?

Caroline Forbes: You know, the beauty pageant that we’ve been planning for months, and that the writers totally didn’t come up with at the last moment! But you could totally drop out if you’re too busy!

Elena Gilbert: No, that’s all right. My mom had a whole Barbie doll thing going on with me. She’d want me to beat you enter.

Caroline Forbes: Sadface.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, Stefan! You sure are chipper! And that can only mean one thing…

Stefan Salvatore: No, Elena did not agree to dress up like the Biker from the Village People. Pout.

Damon Salvatore: I was going to say “human blood,” but that was way more intriguing…

Elena Gilbert: Hey baby! Will you take me to the Founder’s Day dance? And eat all of the competition for Miss Mystic Falls?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure, babe! But first…

Stefan Salvatore: Has enough blood stashed away to keep the Red Cross going for the next decade.

Damon Salvatore: Aw, man! I was hoping for Village People costumes! Anyway: you haven’t had human blood for a century and a half, and I know what you’re going through. You’ve got to be careful, man! You can’t go running around robbing blood banks and beating people up!

Stefan Salvatore: Are you trying to be the voice of reason here?

Damon Salvatore: …Goddammit! You see what you’re addiction has done to me?

Caroline Forbes: Here’s an extensive list of my civic involvement, charitable contributions, and noble character traits! Also, I’m pretty much the most beautiful human being alive!

Elena Gilbert: My mommy’s dead! Pity vote powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: So, Elena’s mom and I shared a common interest: sex. Also, some weird invention that Ye Old Gilbert Ancestors cooked up, which happened to fall into the hands of a vampire named… Pearl.

Damon Salvatore: Light switch. So… I’m thinking you need to A) shut the hell up, and B) get the hell out of my house.

Uncle John Gilbert: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone told the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council that you’re a vampire, don’t you think?

Damon Salvatore: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone ate the entire Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, then cut your hand off, smashed your Ring of Not Dying, and flayed you alive, wouldn’t it?

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey look at the time! Got to be going now! Tootles!

Mama Lockwood: Honor your partner…

Thomas: Is that what they call it these days?

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Flirty face!

Mama Lockwood: So, this dance is all about not actually touching your partner.

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Lame.

Caroline Forbes: I deserve to be MMF! My Grandma was MMF! Both my Aunts were MMF! But Elena’s probably going to win, since her stupid mother is all dead and stuff! Pout! </entitled-rich-white-girl>

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennet: Icy stare.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! What’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: You mean aside from the fact that your boyfriend is a blood-sucking fiend that got me kidnapped, my grandmother killed, and set a horde or vampires loose on the town? Nothing!

Unimportant Guy: Oh no! I tripped and fell and cut open my leg!

Stefan Salvatore: Bloodlust!

Alaric Saltzman: Intervention!

Stefan Salvatore: Throat grab!

Alaric Saltzman: So… is Stefan doing all right?

Elena Gilbert: Well, he went through a rough patch, but he’s bouncing back.

Alaric Saltzman: And by “bouncing back” you mean “eating the basketball team?”

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Aunt Jenna! Care to accompany me to the Founder’s Day Dance?

Alaric Saltzman: That’s all right, I’ve got this one! Cock block powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So Uncle John Gilbert knows our secret and thinks Pearl might have a MacGuffin that he really really wants and boy it would be a shame if my two worst enemies destroyed each other, wouldn’t it? Innocent smile.

Pearl: …

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Uncle John! Have you read any of Uncle John the First’s journals? Sure is crazy, what with all the vampires, huh?

Uncle John Gilbert: Sniff, sniff. Is that a future vampire hunter I smell?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! I’m getting dressed for the beauty pageant!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t let me stop you. Anyway, just thought you’d like to know Stefan’s off the wagon again! Later!

Anna: You used me! For sex fangs!

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, and you weren’t going to give my blood to your mother, like it says in John Gilbert’s Guide to Plot Complications?

Anna: …damn. Busted.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, you guys!

Elena Gilbert: I know you’re drinking human blood again!

Damon Salvatore: And I’m going downstairs to get drunk. Graceful exit.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, what’s wrong? I mean, aside from the stealing and the lying and the violent urges, I’m still the same broody guy who slept with you because you look like my ex!

Elena Gilbert: …

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Angst! Mirror smash!

Amber: Eeep!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Kidnap! Mind whammy!

Announcer Dude: Ms. Elena Gilbert, escorted by Mr. Stefan Damon Salvatore!

Team Damon: Squee!

Team Stefan: Grr!

Team Switzerland: Chocolate?

Elena Gilbert: This is horrible! What are we going to do?

Damon Salvatore: For now? Fake it. You should be used to that. You are dating my brother, after all.

Within Temptation: Plays.

Thomas: Already owns the album.

Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Dance.

Team Stefan: Rage!

Team Damon: Swoon!

Team Switzerland: Cheese?

Stefan Salvatore: I shouldn’t do this I can’t do this I’m the good brother and if I do this there’s no going back but you’re so tasty looking and I haven’t had a blonde in ages and oh emo!

Amber: Go for it!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Fangs!

Mayor Lockwood: Well, before I crown the winner, I’d like to thank all of these ladies for their efforts to better our community. By being physically attractive. And now, without further ado, the Elena Gilbert Award for being Really Really Hot goes to… Caroline Forbes!

Uncle John Gilbert: Signs of a struggle, blood in the sink, missing girl… you know what this means.

Sheriff Forbes: It means we need Damon to save us!

Uncle John Gilbert: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what that means. Facepalm.

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs!

Amber: Scream!

Damon Salvatore: Stop my brother from eating the human girl powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Throw my brother across the woods because I’m all hopped up on human blood and I’m not a wuss anymore powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Woe! Shock! Misery!

Bonnie Bennet: Did I mention I’m a witch? Mind ray powers activate!

Thomas: Huh. Well played, madam. Well played.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, who’s the girl chatting up Jeremy?

Aunt Jenna: That’s Anna! Her mother’s Pearl! They’re vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! You look like your boyfriend just fanged another woman!

Pearl: Hey Damon! Here’s the MacGuffin! We heart Mystic Falls! Whoo!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I know that wasn’t the real you! It’s the drugs blood that makes you do all these mean things! I know you really love me! And if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that a bad boy can be saved by the love of an innocent girl!

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Smash! Sorrow! Hug!

Elena Gilbert: It’s all right, Stefan, it’s all right. But, um… could you not put your face so close to my neck? Oh, and: verveine!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan? Remember how you locked me in this dungeon a few months ago? Really, this is for your own good.

Elena Gilbert: Keeping a vigil on my addict boyfriend powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Well, I’ve got nowhere better to be. Guess I’ll chill with you for a while.

Team Stefan: Weep!

Team Damon: Sigh!

Team Switzerland: Expertly crafted watch?

The Plot: Thickens.