The Vampire Diaries – S02E03 – Bad Moon Rising

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! They can afford me for this episode! Also, my hair got big!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. So, can I offer you something? Bourbon? Coffee? Bourbon in your coffee?

Thomas: Loves Damon.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s no time for coffee, Damon! We need exposition!

Alaric Saltzman: Right! So, as you all know, my evil ex-wife was all about the vampires. What you may not know is that she also had a side business researching werewolves!

Damon Salvatore: BS. I’ve been around for more than 160 years, and I’ve never seen one… if werewolves exist, where are they?

Mason Lockwood: Say, this old slave pit would make a great place to store a werewolf on the three nights surrounding the full moon!

Tyler Lockwood: Wow, this old slave pit would make a great place to bring a girl for sexytime! Hey, what are these claw marks on the wall?

Damon Salvatore: All right Alaric, we need to figure out what’s up with the Lockwoods.

Alaric Saltzman: Well, my wife’s research materials are all in her office at Duke…

Elena Gilbert: Road trip!

Matt Donovan: Caroline? Caroline! Where are you? I’ve been calling you all day!

Caroline Forbes: Sorry! Please come back when I won’t explode in the sunlight!

Stefan Salvatore: Well, have fun driving about the country with your hot history teacher and my hot psycho brother who obviously wants to wink wink and nudge nudge you!

Elena Gilbert: Aw, you’re really all right with me going?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jenna! Sorry I haven’t been around. You know how it is, your ex-wife comes back from the dead, turns out she was sleeping with your student’s boyfriend’s brother, oh, and she’s a vampire. Anyway-

Aunt Jenna: So, could you not do the whole “apology with a side of can I get into your pants please” thing?

Damon Salvatore: Sorry you can’t come along, Stefan, but don’t worry, I’ll take really good care of your girl… Crazy eyes.

Elena Gilbert and Stefan Salvatore: Face suck!

Damon Salvatore: Pout.

Tyler Lockwood: Hey mom, what’s up with the freaky cave cell out back?

Carol Lockwood: That’s where they kept the…

Tyler Lockwood: Werewolves?

Carol Lockwood: Slaves!

Stefan Salvatore: So Bonnie, you know that Caroline is a vampire now…

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Yes. And you know that Caroline can’t walk in the sun anymore…

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Right. And Not being able to walk in the sun makes her sad…

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Correct. So, what I was thinking, is it would be really extra special if you made her a Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight.

Bonnie Bennet: I have doubts!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: So, about you killing my brother… did you know he was wearing a Magic Ring of Not Dying?

Damon Salvatore: He was wearing a Magic Ring of Not Dying? I mean, um, yes! Yes, I knew he was wearing a Magic Ring of Not Dying! They’re big, ugly, tacky things! I wouldn’t miss something like that!

Alaric Saltzman: Ring fiddle.

Caroline Forbes: This ring is gaudy!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s how we roll, babe!

Bonnie Bennet: So, ground rules: you nom nom nom any boys boys boys, and I turn your Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight back into costume jewelry.

Caroline Forbes: Angry pout.

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, spell time! Squinty face!

Caroline Forbes: That’s it? No flickering lights, no gusts of wind, no “I’m a witch!”?

Bonnie Bennet: Curtain yank! Sunshine!

Caroline Forbes: Eep! Hey, I’m not exploding! Thanks Bonnie, you’re the bestest friend witch that ever made a Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight! Bitch.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi! I’m Isobel’s husband! These are my friends, Elena and Damon!

Vanessa Monroe: Hi! I’m the research assistant for Duke’s Lycanthropy program! Your friends sure do look like Katherine and Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vanessa Monroe: Nothing! Crossbow!

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire throwing myself in front of the arrow to save Elena’s life and hopefully win my way into her pants heart powers activate!

Vanessa Monroe: That went differently in my head.

Damon Salvatore: Can someone help me with this arrow? It kinda hurts.

Damon Salvatore: Thanks for yanking out the arrow, Elena! Just let me murder the Lycanthropologist, and we can get back home. Who wants a cheeseburger?

Elena Gilbert: Good idea! Go ahead and murder her!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, is this reverse psychology?

Elena Gilbert: Yep!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, is that reverse psychology?

Alaric Saltzman: So, about trying to murder us?

Vanessa Monroe: What? They totally look like people in an old photo! You tell me you wouldn’t try to kill a couple of people who look like a couple of people in an old photo if they walked into your office!

Caroline Forbes: Bunnies? I love bunnies! This was a great idea! Thank you Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: So, you do realize that you’re supposed to eat the bunny, right?

Caroline Forbes: What I can’t eat a bunny bunnies are adorable and it’s sunny and I love the sun and I love that I don’t explode in the sun because of this Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight and Matt’s in the sun and he told me that he loves me and I think I can wink wink and nudge nudge him without the fangs fangs going nom nom and I just wanna be a normal girl whaaa! Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I ever tell you how vampires are more… more than they were when they were alive? Like how I was dark and broody when I was alive, and now I’m super dark and super broody?

Caroline Forbes: What? You mean I’m an insecure neurotic control freak on crack?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I wasn’t going to say it like that…

Vanessa Monroe: Okay, and here’s the box about Katherine arriving in Mystic Falls, and here’s the box about all the boys she fanged, and here’s the box about all her pretty dresses…

Elena Gilbert: Thanks Vanessa! Here, have some anti-vampire pot!

Vanessa Monroe: Does that stuff really work?

Damon Salvatore: Nope!

Vanessa Monroe: Can he hear us?

Damon Salvatore: No! That would be creepy!

Vanessa Monroe: Can he read minds?

Damon Salvatore: If you want to see me naked, you just have to ask!

Vanessa Monroe: 0_o

Elena Gilbert: He’s kidding. You don’t have to ask. He walks around the castle mostly naked all the time.

Mason Lockwood: Hey guys! Have fun, but make sure you’re gone by nightfall! Wouldn’t want to get eaten by a werewolf now, would you?

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Caroline Forbes: Why are you looking at him with your Serious Vampire Look? Which is a lot like your Worried Vampire Look, and also similar to your Hey It’s Tuesday look.

Aimee Bradley: Hi Matt! You’re hot!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Aimee! Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Aimee Bradley: Bye Matt! I’m leaving!

Vanessa Monroe: Hey guys? Did you know that werewolf bites are fatal to a vampire?

Damon Salvatore: Goddammit.

Elena Gilbert: I… have to go make a phone call.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt I love you Matt and I’m sorry I’ve been weird but well vampire so you know!

Matt Donovan: Smootch!

Stefan Salvatore (On the Phone): …wait, poisonous? Caroline? Um, Caroline…?

Mason Lockwood: This is the perfect place to chain myself up while I turn into a wolf!

Tyler Lockwood: This is the perfect place to make out with a girl while my uncle turns into a wolf!

Mason Lockwood: Or I could go sleep in my truck.

The Full Moon: Hi, Mason!

Mason Lockwood: Howls of pain.

Elena Gilbert: Say, what do you know about evil magic body doubles?

Vanessa Monroe: Just that they plague their opposite, ruining their life and generally throwing everything into confusion.

Elena Gilbert: I already knew that! Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, Mason Lockwood’s deserted truck…

Mason “Wold Mode” Lockwood: Wolf lunge!

Vanessa Monroe: Well, it was nice to meet you. If you need anything… lusty eye… if you want to drop by… lip bite…

Alaric Saltzman: Look Vanessa, you really don’t want to get caught up in all this. It can end… badly.

Vanessa Monroe: Is that how Isobel disappeared?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, no, she shagged Damon and got turned into a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! I stole this book for you! Petrova is Katherine’s real name! Do you love me again yet?

Matt Donovan: Hey, what was that noise?

Caroline Forbes: It was nothing! Now smootch me!

Matt Donovan: But we’re a cute young couple in the middle of the dark woods in a show about vampires! aren’t you afraid we’re gonna get eaten?

Caroline Forbes: No, silly, we’re main characters! But… fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire tackling the baby vampire and rescuing my girlfriend’s ex powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: But I wanna eat him!

Stefan Salvatore: Sigh. Matt, play dead. Caroline, werewolf. Long story, but we’ve gotta run. So let’s make with the super vampire running away really fast powers, okay?

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, what are you all doing here?

Mason “Wolf Mode” Lockwood: Vampire tackle!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first!

Tyler Lockwood: Bad uncle! Heel!

Mason “Wolf Mode” Lockwood: Sulk!

Caroline Forbes: So, mind whammies all around?

Stefan Salvatore: Mind whammies all around.

Mason Lockwood: Hey Tyler. Wanna throw me my pants?

Tyler Lockwood: Sure. Wanna tell me about werewolves now?

Aimee Bradley: Hi Matt! You look sad!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I’m no good for you, so I’m going to act like a total bitch so you’ll break up with me! Bleep you, Aimee! You spell your name stupid!

Aunt Jenna: Hi Alaric! How was-

Alaric Saltzman: Smootch!

Aunt Jenna: Well then!

Elena Gilbert: Damon, I need to know the truth… did you really know Jeremy was wearing a Magic Ring of Not Dying when you killed him?

Damon Salvatore: Well no, but… Puppy eyes.

Elena Gilbert: Thank you for being honest. Also: you’re a psycho, and you’re never getting into my pants.

Damon Salvatore: All right… Katherine. Hey, you see what I did there? How I insulted you by calling you Katherine? That was a good burn, right?

Caroline Forbes: Elena! Why are you sneaking into my room to watch me sleep? Wait, is that why you gave me the Lesbian Friendship Necklace?

Katherine Pierce: Um, I’m not Elena, but I would like to hear more about this “lesbian” thing…

The Plot: Thickens.