The Vampire Diaries – S02E05 – Kill Or Be Killed

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Girlfriend: So, are we watching The Vampire Diaries again this week?

Thomas: Yep!

The Girlfriend: …I’ll go get my alcohol.

Jimmy: Hi Mason! I think you’re sleeping with my girl! Facepunch! Rib kick! Hair pull!

Mason Lockwood: Double leg takedown! Head break!

The Moon: Hello, Mason!

Mason Lockwood: …wait, what?

Mason Lockwood: Okay, a deal’s a deal. I told you about the curse, you tell me where the moonstone is.

Tyler Lockwood: Moonstone what moonstone I don’t know about any moonstone.

Mason Lockwood: So that lump in your pocket…

Tyler Lockwood: …I’m just happy to see you.

Jeremy Gilbert: Woah, the Lockwoods are werewolves? Well let’s do something! Team Slayer assemble! Super emo investigating the wolf boy powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Okay. One, we only know for sure that Mason is a werewolf. Two, you do not have super emo investigating powers. Three, you are not a part of Team Slayer, because four, there is no Team Slayer.

Buffy: Yes there is!

Halo Fans: Damn straight!

Jeremy Gilbert: But I have a Magic Ring of Not Dying! That makes it my solemn duty to go all Van Helsing on the were-puppies!

Elena Gilbert: Do you also have a Magic Ring of Not Getting Your Ring Stolen by Every Supe That’s Slightly Faster or Stronger Than You? Because so far those rings have been a dud.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m here to carry on our secret romance!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan’s abs! I’m sad that we have to pretend that we’re fighting!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay… let’s make up a secret code! When I say “I hate you Elena and your stupid hair and your stupid eyes and your stupid mouth and your stupid jeans makes your stupid butt look big,” it means “I love you!”

Elena Gilbert: …okay?

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Caroline! Let’s spend the entire day together! We can talk about how much we hate vampires!

Caroline Forbes: Boy, can we?

Thomas: The tension in this scene comes from the fact that Caroline is a vampire, and her mother is the head of the We Hate Vampires Society.

The Girlfriend: And she doesn’t know that her own daughter is a vampire?Worst. Slayer. Ever.

Carol Lockwood: Hi everybody! In my inherited position as Mayor, I would like to thank one of the other super wealthy families for giving us a new town park! Yay rich white people! Clap clap clap!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Mason! Look, I know my brother’s a dick, but let’s call a truce, okay?

Mason Lockwood: I’m thinking… no.

Stefan Salvatore: Let me put it this way… you can have cake, or death.

Eddie Izzard: I approve!

Damon Salvatore: I don’t!

Aimee Bradley: I’m a recurring character!

Sarah: I’m into Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: We should bond!

Tyler Lockwood: We should bang those girls!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Sheriff Forbes! Did you know the Salvatores are vampires?

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: …effword.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Stefan thinks we should break up!

Caroline Forbes: I agree!

Katherine Pierce: Me too!

Team Stefoline: Us too!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I hate you Elena and your stupid hair and your stupid eyes and your stupid mouth and your stupid jeans makes your stupid butt look big!

Elena Gilbert: Lip tremble…

Stefan Salvatore: coughcodecough

Elena Gilbert: Oh right! I love hate you too!

Sarah: Oooh! Show us your sketch book, Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… okay?

Sarah: Huh. Nice werewolf portrait. And werewolf sketch. And werewolf drawing.

Tyler Lockwood: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: So, about your fake breaking up with Elena?

Stefan Salvatore: Fake? What do you mean fake? Those words were heartfelt and filled with spite! I hate her, with her soft hair, and soulful eyes, and nubile…

Damon Salvatore: Ahem.

Tiny Little Girl: Would you like an anti-vampire pot lemonade?

Damon Salvatore: Why yes I would, little girl! Gag!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Eff. Word.

Damon Salvatore: I’m gonna kill Mason Lockwood!

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, no! We’re gonna kill Mason Lockwood.

Damon Salvatore: …Well that was unexpected. So do you want to use our overwhelming strength and speed to take him out before he has a chance to fight back?

Stefan Salvatore: No, let’s make it blazingly obvious that we’re after him, and give the Mystic Falls Vampire Response Team a chance to shoot us, tranq us, and drag us down into the Dungeon of Vampire Slaying.

The Mystic Falls Vampire Response Team: How considerate!

Jeremy Gilbert: So your uncle came back to warn you about the curse?

Tyler Lockwood: No, he came back for this magic moon rock thiny.

Aimee Bradley and Sarah: Yoink!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Elena! Sorry about your boyfriend! Hey Caroline! Does your mother know what you are?

Caroline Forbes: Kinda slutty?

Mason Lockwood: No, a vampire! Super werewolf grabbing Elena in a headlock powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire kneeing the wolf boy in his wolf nards powers activate!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: All right Damon… I’m going to go all Jack Bauer on you until you tell me how you can walk in the sunlight. Or you escape. One or the other.

Elena Gilbert: Regular human running into danger to save my boyfriend powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire blurring through the room and nom nom noming the red shirts and saving the day powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Hi mom.

Thomas: Best. Line. Ever.

Damon Salvatore: Nom nom nom, tasty deputy blood nom!

Stefan Salvatore: So, about the Sheriff…

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you guys go ahead. I’ll just kill her and catch up.

Everyone Else: No!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, I was just kidding. I like the Sheriff. We’re best friends. Crazy eyes.

Tyler Lockwood: Gimme back the moon rock! Stair shove!

Sarah: I’m dead!

Tyler Lockwood: I’m a werewolf!

Sarah: I’m kidding!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes (On the Phone): Yeah, stomach bug. Totally a stomach bug. No I’m not being held captive by vampires that’s crazy why would you say that? Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Thanks babe! Sorry we have to lock you in our dungeon, but we’ve gotta wait for the vervain to work its way out of your system so I can mind-whammy you into forgetting that I’m the very thing you’ve sworn your life to destroying. But I brought you nice sheets!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Whatever. As long as I don’t have to see my daughter, whom I hate more now that she’s a vampire than I did when she was just a tramp.

Caroline Forbes: Angst!

Elena Gilbert: Um, Stefan? Why are you drooling over Damon’s keg-o-blood?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m kinda tired of almost dying every week because I’m such a pansy, actually.

Caroline Forbes: I’m sorry Elena but I’ve been working for Katherine and telling her everything and trying to break you and Stefan up and braiding her hair and woe!

Elena Gilbert: I know!

Caroline Forbes: Shock!

Elena Gilbert: But I forgive you!

Caroline Forbes: Joy!

Tyler Lockwood: So this wolf thing is lame. Here’s your stupid moon rock.

Mason Lockwood: 😀

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan I love you Stefan and I love your abs Stefan and I know that you really need the tasty people blood and I know you can control yourself and I want to be here for you and I want to be the one you drink from! Letter opener! Hand stab!

Stefan Salvatore: nom nom nom tasty Elena blood nom!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Mason? Remember the time I mind-whammied that guy into thinking you were letting his girlfriend pet your little wolf, and you killed him and turned into a big wolf? Wasn’t that wacky?

Mason Lockwood: Hi katherine! I got that moon rock you wanted!

Katherine Pierce and Mason Lockwood: Smootch!

The Plot: Thickens.