The Vampire Diaries – S02E06 – Plan B

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Damon! Tyler’s not a werewolf yet because he hasn’t killed anybody yet but Mason is because he has and he’s looking for a moonstone that does something plot related and I really want to help and I brought my decoder ring and everything so can I please come inside?!?

Damon Salvatore: Kid, you need to get laid.

Aunt Jenna: Hi Stefan! Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, um, so… Elena and I are kind of… taking a break.

Aunt Jenna: Really? Cause that’s not what it sounded like this morning!

Stefan Salvatore: …facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Still hate vampires and the people who wink nudge them?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m grumpy!

Elena Gilbert: I’ll take that as a yes!

Caroline Forbes: Hi mom! I brought you breakfast in bed shabby prison cot!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Are you really dead!

Caroline Forbes: Kinda!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: How is that possible?

Caroline Forbes: Wow do I ever have a story for you!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! Remember that crappy story about the useless Shaman that put a half-assed curse on vampires and werewolves?

Damon Salvatore: I remember the hot chick that told it to us…

Alaric Saltzman: Close enough. So, turns out that the moonstone is the key to unlocking the curse, and allowing vampire and werewolves to overrun the earth.

Stephanie Meyer: Too late!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wait, Tyler has the moonstone! I bet I can steal it from him!

Damon Salvatore: Good plan! Useless human cannon fodder powers activate! Off you go!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! We can still be besties, as long as I don’t have to see, talk to, touch, think about, or smell vampires!

Elena Gilbert: That… might prove difficult.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Mason!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Ste… oh crap.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Can someone explain why I’m seeing a creepy psychic vision of Nina Dobrev making out with Mason?

Stefan Salvatore: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, could you tell your brother to stop following me around?

Jeremy Gilbert: Puppy eyes!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Jeremy? Do you remember who it was that broke your neck that one night? Starts with a ‘d’… rhymes with “why are you trying to be buddies with the gut that almost murdered you?”

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Katherine’s sleeping with the enemy Mason!

Damon Salvatore: Eh, she must be using him to get the magic werewolf-curse breaking rock.

Stefan Salvatore: Why would Katherine want a magic werewolf-curse breaking rock?

Damon Salvatore: Innocent whistle.

Thomas: Would like to stop trying to make up alliterative names for the Lockwood Mansion now. please.

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Matt! You’re girlfriend’s an insecure, neurotic, vapid  hoe!

Matt Donovan: Hey!

Tyler Lockwood: But she’s got a great rack heart! So good for you!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Tyler! Purely out of idle curiosity, and in no way connected with the vampire winking and nudging my sister, or his vampire brother, or our vampire-hunting history teacher, I was wondering if I could examine the moonstone… by myself.

Tyler Lockwood: Sorry, gave it to Mason.

Stefan Salvatore: Werewolf hunt?

Damon Salvatore: Werewolf hunt.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! Can you-

Elena Gilbert: Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan! I wanna know what’s going on!

Stefan Salvatore: Hold on, needy girlfriend is needy.

Damon Salvatore: So… if I threaten you hard enough, will you help us?

Bonnie Bennet: Nope!

Damon Salvatore: Can you at least explain what how that brain scramble thing you do works?

Bonnie Bennet: I can make aneurisms in your brain with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Would that work on, say, a werewolf?

Bonnie Bennet: Maybe!

Damon Salvatore: Excellent…

Bonnie Bennet: Ugh! This table is so heavy, and I’m loading it into this van all by myself! If only there was a strapping young werewolf that could help me!

Mason Lockwood: Why, I’m a strapping young werewolf! Allow me!

Bonnie Bennet: Super wiccan aneurism powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Face kick!

Stefan Salvatore: Wolfnap!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Wait, so you steal blood from the hospital?

Caroline Forbes: No! Damon steals it, and I steal it from him.

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: And you don’t have to kill to survive?

Caroline Forbes: Nope! I mean, I still want to, but I can control myself. Unlike Stefan, who smells a scraped knee and goes on a thirteen cheerleader bender.

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: This isn’t what I wanted for you…

Caroline Forbes: Well, you know what they say… when life gives you lemons, you rip the throat out of the first carny hand that comes your way! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie! Can you help me get this canvas under Mason? I don’t want to get wolf blood on the carpets.

Bonnie Bennet: 0_o

Damon Salvatore: Now, if we just had something to tie him up…

Bonnie Bennet: You mean like this bag full of BDSM gear he carries around?

Damon Salvatore: Excellent! Now, if you could just do that whole mind whammy thing on him…

Bonnie Bennet: Squinty face! Okay, the moonrock is in the well behind the farm.

Thomas: Mason = Lassie.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennet: Eep!

Caroline Forbes: We should be besties again!

Bonnie Bennet: The script says I agree!

Bonnie Bennet’s Cell Phone: Look in the well behind the Lockwood Estate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire significant look powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Regular human doing a terrible job of pretending to be broken up with Stefan powers activate!

Matt Donovan: Weirdos.

Tyler Lockwood: Say, anyone seen Mason?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Mason! I have a red hot poker, a ton of questions, and impulse control issues! Let’s get started!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire ripping the padlock off the old well and jumping down into it without having any idea what awaits me powers activateI

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Are you all right?

Stefan Salvatore: Except for the anti-vampire pot melting away my flesh, I’m great!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Damon! Despite my moral reservations, I brought you wolfsbane!

Damon Salvatore: Anti-werewolf pot! Open wide, Mason!

Elena Gilbert: I’ll go into the well to rescue Stefan!

Caroline Forbes: I’ll use my super vampire strength and this convenient chain to lower you down!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll stand around and look concerned!

The Moonstone: I’ll be found by Elena!

A CGI Snake: I’ll create false tension!

Damon Salvatore: So really, what’s with the moonstone?

Mason Lockwood: Katherine’s going to use it to lift the werewolf curse! Because she loves me!

Damon Salvatore: …HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, Damon? I’m kinda uncomfortable with the kidnapping and the torture and the murder.

Damon Salvatore: Crazy eyes!

Jeremy Gilbert: Also, your eyebrows freak me the hell out, so I’m leaving. Tough luck, Mason.

Damon Salvatore: Later, kid. Now, where were we? Oh, that’s right. I was going to tell you how Katherine played the same “I love you and I’ll sex you and then leave you for Stefan because everybody loves him even though Damon is hotter and funnier and better in the sack” trick on me…

Mason Lockwood: Gurgle. Whimper. Convulse.

Damon Salvatore: …And how she’ll just rip you’re heart out in the end. But let me save her the trouble.

Thomas: Please don’t be joking, please don’t be joking, please don’t be joking…

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire heart rip powers activate!

Thomas: Team Damon 4 Life!

Mason Lockwood: Dies.

Thomas: Oh. Sorry, Mason.

Alaric Saltzman: Uses the old “I’ll cook for her so Aunt Jenna feels obligated to sleep with me” routine.

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Alaric, when you’re doing trying to get into my aunt’s pants, can you come upstairs so I can vent at you? Thanks!

Caroline Forbes: And then we got Stefan out of the well but he was all vervainey and icky and gross but Elena is so tasty and now he’s feeling better and I didn’t even want to rip her throat out when I smelled her blood well not much anyway and Bonnie wasn’t mean to me once and I think we’re all making a lot of progress!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Caroline! You’ve become so smart and tough and independent since you died! I love you and I trust you and I promise to keep your secret! You don’t need to mind whammy me!

Caroline Forbes: Aw, that’s sweet, mom! Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hey, why are we in the Salvatore’s wine cellar?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon. Nice to see you showed your usual restraint.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan. Wanna listen in while I call Katherine on Mason’s phone?

Stefan Salvatore: Goddammit Damon…

Damon Salvatore and Stefan Salvatore: Play keep away with the cell phone.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Just wanted to let you know that you might want to stop by the SPCA and pick up a new boyfriend! Also: I have the moonstone and you don’t so neener neener neener!

Katherine Pierce: You do realize that I’m going to murder someone you care about now, right?

Damon Salvatore: Oh.

Stefan Salvatore: Goddammit Damon!

Katherine Pierce (On the Phone): Hi Elena! Do you have any idea how easy it is to get into someone’s house when you’re played by the same actress? Super easy! Also: I got rid of Aunt Jenna’s anti-vampire pot perfume, and the anti-vampire pot tea! So when I tell her to stab herself-

Aunt Jenna: Stabs herself in the gut with a giant butcher knife.

Katherine Pierce (On the Phone): She’s super agreeable!

Elena Gilbert: The doctors said Aunt Jenna is too important to die! But I’m still sad!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, did I ever tell you I’m considering a career in martyrdom?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, our relationship is destroying everyone around us, so, even though it hurts me beyond words, I have to make the mature choice and end things with you.

Bella Swan: Wait, what do those words mean?

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Weepy goodbye kiss!

Damon Salvatore: So, Elena, about getting your Aunt gut-stabbed…

Elena Gilbert: It doesn’t matter, Damon. She won. Katherine won.

Katherine Pierce: So… about this lack of werewolf problem I’m having…

Matt Donovan: …

Katherine Pierce: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Matt Donovan: I’ll go after Tyler and won’t stop until he kills me!

Katherine Pierce: Good boy! Head pat.

The Plot: Thickens.