The Vampire Diaries – S02E07 – Masquerade

Aunt Jenna: I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe I tripped and impaled myself on a butcher knife, doused myself in gasoline, lit myself on fire, and swallowed an entire bottle of Xanax.

Matt Donovan: Oh, don’t worry about it. I do that like three times a week. Well, except for the Xanax part.

Jeremy Gilbert: So, about this Katherine thing…

Elena Gilbert: Um, how about we try the “leave her alone so she doesn’t murder everyone we love and care for, including our puppies and stuffed animals” plan?

Jeremy Gilbert: That is one option, yes…

Katherine Pierce: Hi Ms. Flowers! Thanks for carrying all my crap up to my room for me!

The Girlfriend: Is she a witch?

Thomas: In the books, yes. In the show, no idea.

Lucy: Hi Katherine!

Thomas: On the other hand, since this chick is African American-

The Girlfriend: -She must be a witch.

Lucy: I’m a witch!

Katherine Pierce: I’m going to the Masquerade Ball! You should come! As my date!

The Girlfriend: A lesbian witch!

Thomas: Best. Show. Ever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Welcome to the “We’re Gonna Kill Katherine” party!

Bonnie Bennet: …

Stefan Salvatore: I can explain! We’re… gonna kill Katherine.

Alaric Saltzman: I brought party favors! They’re pointy!

Katherine Pierce: So the Salvatores have my moonstone and one of them is dating my not-evil twin and they’re friends with a witch so I need you to cock-block Stefan  and spell-block Bonnie and break the Curse of the Moon Rock, okay?

Lucy: And the hair?

Katherine Pierce: I have to have straight hair, silly! Everyone thinks I’m someone totally different if I don’t have straight hair! It’s like Superman!

Stefan Salvatore: So Katherine thinks she’s safe because she knows I would never try anything in a crowd of innocent people… but I have a plan!

Bonnie Bennet: Really? What?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m gonna try something in a crowd of innocent people!

Bonnie Bennet: …

Elena Gilbert: Hey, our history teacher is coming over to hang out with me! But it’s not in  a creepy way! Wanna come?

Matt Donovan: I’d love to, but I have to goad Tyler into killing me. Rain check?

Alaric Saltzman: Seriously? The kid gets to come, and I’m relegated to babysitter? How does that work? He doesn’t even have his own pneumatically powered wrist stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, is everyone on board with the plan?

Damon Salvatore: Hell yeah!

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s do it!

Caroline Forbes: You bet!

Bonnie Bennet: Maybe!

Tyler Lockwood: We should have canceled this stupid party.

Carol Lockwood: Nonsense! It’s been almost a week since we’ve had a party, festival, dedication, funereal, christening, fundraiser, or other public event at the mansion! Now let’s drink!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Matt! You’re hot! But you’re also cannon fodder!

Matt Donovan: I’m gonna make a werewolf!

Katherine Pierce: Good boy!

Stefan Salvatore: You sure you’re up for this?

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on! It’s not like my twisted sense of poetic revenge is going to keep me from staking the most dangerous vampire either of us has ever encountered!

Aimee Bradley: I’m drunk!

Sarah: Me too!

Aimee Bradley and Sarah: And we’re both kinda slutty!

Matt Donovan: Shots all around!

Tyler Lockwood: I approve!

James Bond Jeremy Gilbert: Okay, I’ve got a tuxedo, a bag full of gadgets, a hot female sidekick…

Bonnie Bennet: …

Jeremy Gilbert: So! About this Book of Shadows!

Aunt Jenna: I’m glad Jeremy went to the party! He needs to lose that whole emo thing!

Millions of People Around the Nation: Standing ovation.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, Jeremy went to the party? Alaric…

Alaric Saltzman: Plot what plot I don’t know anything about a Let’s Kill Katherine plot that’s silly why do you ask tee hee?

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you feel that cold chill? I think someone left their witch open.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan! Wanna dance?

Stefan Salvatore: With you? Never!

Katherine Pierce: Well all right… Hey there, Token Black Girl! Spine break! Neck snap!

Aimee Bradley: Dies.

Stefan Salvatore: That went differently in my head.

Elena Gilbert: Okay guys! I’m going… to… um… bed now. Yes. To bed. To bed is where I am going.

Aunt Jenna: Elena, you’re fully dressed, you just put your shoes on, you have your car keys, you’re standing by the front door, and you just left like a dozen messages on Stefan’s voicemail saying you’ll be right over. We aren’t dumb, you know.

Alaric Saltzman: But if she leaves we can have sexy time!

Aunt Jenna: Have fun!

Stefan Salvatore: An innocent person died! I’m having doubts!

Damon Salvatore: I had blue balls for a hundred and fifty tears! I’m having revenge!

Jeremy Gilbert: So can you use magic to get good grades?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Can you turn people into toads?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Can you fly on a broomstick?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Do you want to continue not having sex with me?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Bonnie Bennet: …waitaminute.

Lucy: There’s another witch involved! I’m unhappy!

Katherine Pierce: Really? Because I’m thinking about ripping your throat out right here.

Lucy: I’m suddenly less unhappy! Tee hee!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Katherine! Stefan and Damon are down by the lake!

Katherine Pierce: Aw, who’s a little vampire hunter? You is, yes you are! Head pat.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Caroline! Wall slam! I’d like to know where Stefan is. Throat crush!

Caroline Forbes: Urk! Upstairs! Gurgle!

Elena Gilbert: You do realize you’re all going to get killed, right?

Jeremy Gilbert: Please, we’re main characters!

Caroline Forbes: There! They’re in that room right there!

Katherine Pierce: I don’t see…

Caroline Forbes: Booyah! Who tricked the evil psycho vampire into walking into the magic room of not escaping? This girl. Self high five!

Stefan Salvatore: I have a stake!

Damon Salvatore: And I have a bazooka!

Elena Gilbert: I’m suddenly experiencing back pains!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake stake stake!

Damon Salvatore: Stab stab stab!

Jeremy Gilbert: Um, guys? You know that whole doppelganger thing? Well, Elena would really like it if you stopped poking her lookalike.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m going to find a witch with my brain!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m going to give my sister a Magic Ring of Not Dying!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going to decline, so that the tension stays high!

Katherine Pierce: Ah, just like old times. One brother that loves me too much, another that doesn’t love me enough…

Damon Salvatore: …And a slut vampire that only loves herself.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about that moonstone… what do you want it for?

Damon Salvatore: Hey! Not to interrupt, but I’m going to interrupt!

Matt Donovan: Hi Tyler! I’m a belligerent drunk!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire breaking up the wolf fight with a well placed elbow powers activate!

Sarah: Manchurian candidate powers activate! Wolf stab!

Tyler Lockwood: Girl shove! Head smash!

The Girlfriend: She’s not dead.

The Moon: Hello, Tyler!

The Girlfriend: Nevermind.

Stefan Salvatore: You know what would pick this scene up? Some exposition!

Katherine Pierce: You know what else would pick this scene up? A love scene!

The Writers: Don’t get greedy, kid.

Bonnie Bennet: I need you to uncurse Elena and whammy the moon rock and make everything happy again!

Lucy: Well, since you’re the only other African American actress that this show hasn’t murdered off, I agree!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Crazy eyes! Bitch stab!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire stopping my crazy brother from murdering my hot girlfriend by staking our crazy ex-lover voodoo doll sire powers activate!

Lucy: Hi Katherine! I brought you the moonstone and unsealed the Magic Room of Not Leaving!

Katherine Pierce: Thanks Lucy! This moon rock is… magically poisoned, actually. Sadface.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Mrs. Lockwood! Sarah’s dead! But I have a convenient cover story!

Tyler Lockwood: So… thanks and all, but why are you helping?

Caroline Forbes: Hey, us Fanged Americans need to stick together!

Lucy: Hi Bonnie! We’re related! Kinda!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s neat! I need a mentor!

Lucy: Good luck with that, kid. I’m only signed for one episode.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Bonnie, want a ride home?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure do!

Jeremy Gilbert: You know that was a euphemism for sex, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Katherine’s gone, so we can be together now!

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, so… the fact that this one single threat is gone doesn’t actually change the fact that like a dozen of my friends have died and I’ve been kidnapped like a bajillion times since we’ve been going out.

Bella Swan: Aneurism.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! I know I said that I was going to drive a stake through your evil heart, but my twisted sense of poetic revenge is going to keep me from staking the most dangerous vampire I’ve ever met. But at least I left the moon rock in there with you!

Katherine Pierce: Damon, no! You need me! Elena is a Plot Point! You need me to protect her!

Damon Salvatore: That is one option. Or, I could just protect her myself, and seal you up inside of this tomb for the rest of forever!

Katherine Pierce: Sadface.

Elena Gilbert: Well, I sure am glad that’s over. Now to drive myself home and take a nice, long nap!

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: Elena grab! Plot thicken!

The Plot: Thickens.