The Vampire Diaries – S02E07 – Masquerade

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Caroline Forbes: Hi Salvatores! I was at the only restaurant in town and I was staring at Matt because I love Matt and I love his abs and he tastes yummy but that’s why we can’t be together so I had to run away!

Damon Salvatore: Skip the teen drama.

Thomas: <3 Damon.

Caroline Forbes: And then I was hiding in the bathroom and Elena was there except Elena was at home so I knew it was Katherine and she said she wants the moonstone and I think we should give her the moonstone because if she doesn’t get the moonstone she’s going to kill people until they’re dead and it’s all going to happen tonight at… The Masquerade!

Damon Salvatore: Nice title drop. So can I kill Katherine now?

Stefan Salvatore: No!

Damon Salvatore: Eyeroll.

Stefan Salvatore: Because I’m going to kill her!

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then.

Aunt Jenna: I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe I tripped and impaled myself on a butcher knife, doused myself in gasoline, lit myself on fire, and swallowed an entire bottle of Xanax.

Matt Donovan: Oh, don’t worry about it. I do that like three times a week. Well, except for the Xanax part.

Jeremy Gilbert: So, about this Katherine thing…

Elena Gilbert: Um, how about we try the “leave her alone so she doesn’t murder everyone we love and care for, including our puppies and stuffed animals” plan?

Jeremy Gilbert: That is one option, yes…

Katherine Pierce: Hi Ms. Flowers! Thanks for carrying all my crap up to my room for me!

The Girlfriend: Is she a witch?

Thomas: In the books, yes. In the show, no idea.

Lucy: Hi Katherine!

Thomas: On the other hand, since this chick is African American-

The Girlfriend: -She must be a witch.

Lucy: I’m a witch!

Katherine Pierce: I’m going to the Masquerade Ball! You should come! As my date!

The Girlfriend: A lesbian witch!

Thomas: Best. Show. Ever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Welcome to the “We’re Gonna Kill Katherine” party!

Bonnie Bennet: …

Stefan Salvatore: I can explain! We’re… gonna kill Katherine.

Alaric Saltzman: I brought party favors! They’re pointy!

Katherine Pierce: So the Salvatores have my moonstone and one of them is dating my not-evil twin and they’re friends with a witch so I need you to cock-block Stefan  and spell-block Bonnie and break the Curse of the Moon Rock, okay?

Lucy: And the hair?

Katherine Pierce: I have to have straight hair, silly! Everyone thinks I’m someone totally different if I don’t have straight hair! It’s like Superman!

Stefan Salvatore: So Katherine thinks she’s safe because she knows I would never try anything in a crowd of innocent people… but I have a plan!

Bonnie Bennet: Really? What?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m gonna try something in a crowd of innocent people!

Bonnie Bennet: …

Elena Gilbert: Hey, our history teacher is coming over to hang out with me! But it’s not in  a creepy way! Wanna come?

Matt Donovan: I’d love to, but I have to goad Tyler into killing me. Rain check?

Alaric Saltzman: Seriously? The kid gets to come, and I’m relegated to babysitter? How does that work? He doesn’t even have his own pneumatically powered wrist stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, is everyone on board with the plan?

Damon Salvatore: Hell yeah!

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s do it!

Caroline Forbes: You bet!

Bonnie Bennet: Maybe!

Tyler Lockwood: We should have canceled this stupid party.

Carol Lockwood: Nonsense! It’s been almost a week since we’ve had a party, festival, dedication, funereal, christening, fundraiser, or other public event at the mansion! Now let’s drink!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Matt! You’re hot! But you’re also cannon fodder!

Matt Donovan: I’m gonna make a werewolf!

Katherine Pierce: Good boy!

Stefan Salvatore: You sure you’re up for this?

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on! It’s not like my twisted sense of poetic revenge is going to keep me from staking the most dangerous vampire either of us has ever encountered!

Aimee Bradley: I’m drunk!

Sarah: Me too!

Aimee Bradley and Sarah: And we’re both kinda slutty!

Matt Donovan: Shots all around!

Tyler Lockwood: I approve!

James Bond Jeremy Gilbert: Okay, I’ve got a tuxedo, a bag full of gadgets, a hot female sidekick…

Bonnie Bennet: …

Jeremy Gilbert: So! About this Book of Shadows!

Aunt Jenna: I’m glad Jeremy went to the party! He needs to lose that whole emo thing!

Millions of People Around the Nation: Standing ovation.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, Jeremy went to the party? Alaric…

Alaric Saltzman: Plot what plot I don’t know anything about a Let’s Kill Katherine plot that’s silly why do you ask tee hee?

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you feel that cold chill? I think someone left their witch open.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan! Wanna dance?

Stefan Salvatore: With you? Never!

Katherine Pierce: Well all right… Hey there, Token Black Girl! Spine break! Neck snap!

Aimee Bradley: Dies.

Stefan Salvatore: That went differently in my head.

Elena Gilbert: Okay guys! I’m going… to… um… bed now. Yes. To bed. To bed is where I am going.

Aunt Jenna: Elena, you’re fully dressed, you just put your shoes on, you have your car keys, you’re standing by the front door, and you just left like a dozen messages on Stefan’s voicemail saying you’ll be right over. We aren’t dumb, you know.

Alaric Saltzman: But if she leaves we can have sexy time!

Aunt Jenna: Have fun!

Stefan Salvatore: An innocent person died! I’m having doubts!

Damon Salvatore: I had blue balls for a hundred and fifty tears! I’m having revenge!

Jeremy Gilbert: So can you use magic to get good grades?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Can you turn people into toads?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Can you fly on a broomstick?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Do you want to continue not having sex with me?

Bonnie Bennet: No.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Bonnie Bennet: …waitaminute.

Lucy: There’s another witch involved! I’m unhappy!

Katherine Pierce: Really? Because I’m thinking about ripping your throat out right here.

Lucy: I’m suddenly less unhappy! Tee hee!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Katherine! Stefan and Damon are down by the lake!

Katherine Pierce: Aw, who’s a little vampire hunter? You is, yes you are! Head pat.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Caroline! Wall slam! I’d like to know where Stefan is. Throat crush!

Caroline Forbes: Urk! Upstairs! Gurgle!

Elena Gilbert: You do realize you’re all going to get killed, right?

Jeremy Gilbert: Please, we’re main characters!

Caroline Forbes: There! They’re in that room right there!

Katherine Pierce: I don’t see…

Caroline Forbes: Booyah! Who tricked the evil psycho vampire into walking into the magic room of not escaping? This girl. Self high five!

Stefan Salvatore: I have a stake!

Damon Salvatore: And I have a bazooka!

Elena Gilbert: I’m suddenly experiencing back pains!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake stake stake!

Damon Salvatore: Stab stab stab!

Jeremy Gilbert: Um, guys? You know that whole doppelganger thing? Well, Elena would really like it if you stopped poking her lookalike.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m going to find a witch with my brain!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m going to give my sister a Magic Ring of Not Dying!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going to decline, so that the tension stays high!

Katherine Pierce: Ah, just like old times. One brother that loves me too much, another that doesn’t love me enough…

Damon Salvatore: …And a slut vampire that only loves herself.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about that moonstone… what do you want it for?

Damon Salvatore: Hey! Not to interrupt, but I’m going to interrupt!

Matt Donovan: Hi Tyler! I’m a belligerent drunk!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire breaking up the wolf fight with a well placed elbow powers activate!

Sarah: Manchurian candidate powers activate! Wolf stab!

Tyler Lockwood: Girl shove! Head smash!

The Girlfriend: She’s not dead.

The Moon: Hello, Tyler!

The Girlfriend: Nevermind.

Stefan Salvatore: You know what would pick this scene up? Some exposition!

Katherine Pierce: You know what else would pick this scene up? A love scene!

The Writers: Don’t get greedy, kid.

Bonnie Bennet: I need you to uncurse Elena and whammy the moon rock and make everything happy again!

Lucy: Well, since you’re the only other African American actress that this show hasn’t murdered off, I agree!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Crazy eyes! Bitch stab!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire stopping my crazy brother from murdering my hot girlfriend by staking our crazy ex-lover voodoo doll sire powers activate!

Lucy: Hi Katherine! I brought you the moonstone and unsealed the Magic Room of Not Leaving!

Katherine Pierce: Thanks Lucy! This moon rock is… magically poisoned, actually. Sadface.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Mrs. Lockwood! Sarah’s dead! But I have a convenient cover story!

Tyler Lockwood: So… thanks and all, but why are you helping?

Caroline Forbes: Hey, us Fanged Americans need to stick together!

Lucy: Hi Bonnie! We’re related! Kinda!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s neat! I need a mentor!

Lucy: Good luck with that, kid. I’m only signed for one episode.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Bonnie, want a ride home?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure do!

Jeremy Gilbert: You know that was a euphemism for sex, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Katherine’s gone, so we can be together now!

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, so… the fact that this one single threat is gone doesn’t actually change the fact that like a dozen of my friends have died and I’ve been kidnapped like a bajillion times since we’ve been going out.

Bella Swan: Aneurism.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! I know I said that I was going to drive a stake through your evil heart, but my twisted sense of poetic revenge is going to keep me from staking the most dangerous vampire I’ve ever met. But at least I left the moon rock in there with you!

Katherine Pierce: Damon, no! You need me! Elena is a Plot Point! You need me to protect her!

Damon Salvatore: That is one option. Or, I could just protect her myself, and seal you up inside of this tomb for the rest of forever!

Katherine Pierce: Sadface.

Elena Gilbert: Well, I sure am glad that’s over. Now to drive myself home and take a nice, long nap!

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: Elena grab! Plot thicken!

The Plot: Thickens.