The Vampire Diaries – S02E08 – Rose

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: Hi there guy who’s obviously a vampire hiding from the sunlight! I brought you that cute teenager you asked for!

Trevor: Thanks man! Just throw her in the trunk. Oh, and lean in real close… I’ve got something I need to show you.

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: That doesn’t sound like it’s going to end poorly for me at all!

Trevor: Fangs! Nom nom nom tasty stupid henchman nom!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena, are you here? No? Cool, I’m gonna paw through your stuff now.

Caroline Forbes: And then Matt was like Grr! and I was like Elbow! and Matt was like Unconscious! and Tyler was like Woah! but then Sarah was like Stab! and Tyler was like Shove! and Sarah was like Dead! and we were all like Oh Snap! and then the moon was like Hello! and Tyler was like Werewolf! but that’s like a Secret! so I told everyone it was an Accident! and everyone was like Oh okay then let’s just get rid of the body and hey has anyone seen that black girl lately? and I was like No!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great… so, why did you cover for that douche nozzle again?

Caroline Forbes: Because Werewolf Road loads straight to Vampire Boulevard so I had to think fast and I figured the best bet was to send them down It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Slips And Hits Their Head On An Antique Desk And Dies Lane!

Damon Salvatore: So, does Tyler need to die? I mean, does he know that his bite can kill a vampire?

Caroline Forbes: I don’t know, but I’ll ask him!

Damon Salvatore: Crazy eyes!

Caroline Forbes: Or not!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and you might want to tell your mom to look for the black girl at the bottom of Mystic Falls Canyon. Tootles!

A Bunch of Signs on the Wall: Have you seen a black girl? No, not Bonnie, the other one.

Tyler Lockwood: Angry pout! Locker rip! Roid rage!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Stephan! It’s totally cool that you’re boning my sister, but could you give me a heads up when you need me to cover for you?

Stefan Salvatore: Um, I assure you, Elena is currently receiving none of my bone.

Jeremy Gilbert: Then how come her bed hasn’t been slept in, and her car is still at Lockwood Estates?

Stefan Salvatore: Goddammit.

Trevor: Hi Elena! My name is Trevor, and I’ll be your kidnapper this week!

Elena Gilbert: I’m injured!

Trevor: So you are! Nom nom nom tasty-

Rose: Trevor! Bad doggie! No teenager!

Elena Gilbert: Thanks! So, I’m totally not Katherine…

Rose: Be quiet.

Elena Gilbert: …my name is Elena…

Rose: Be quiet.

Elena Gilbert: …and I’d really like to know what you want from me…

Rose: Super vampire bitchslap powers activate! I’d like you to. Be. Quiet.

Stefan Salvatore: So my girlfriend’s missing again, and I was kinda wondering if just maybe Katherine wasn’t actually in the tomb…

Damon Salvatore: Of course she’s in the tomb! I slammed the door shut right after she said Elena was in grave imminent danger!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I was just wondering how you know that I’m a werewolf.

Caroline Forbes: How do I know that you wear a wolf? Dude, our school mascot is a wolf, and you’re on the football team! Of course you wear a wolf!

Tyler Lockwood: Sullen pout!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneak…

Trevor: I can’t believe Elijah’s coming! We are so screwed they are going to have to invent a new word to describe the depths of our screwedness!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneak…

Rose: Um, hello? Getting Elijah to come was the entire point of the plan. That’s why we called it Operation Get Elijah To Come By Kidnapping The Actress Who Plays Katherine And That High School Girl.

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneak…

Rose: Also: we’re in the middle of nowhere, so don’t try to escape. Especially since it’s the middle of the day, and that would be very inconvenient to us and our plans.

Elena Gilbert: Okay!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Stefan! I’d totally help you get Katherine out of the tomb, but there’s no way I can do it by myself!

Stefan Salvatore: No problem! There must be another African American on set somewhere! We’ll just find her and get her to activate her Super I Come From Africa Powers and set Katherine free!

Bonnie Bennet: How about I just do a locator spell?

Stefan Salvatore: You can do that?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Bonnie Bennet: Eye of newt, toe of frog, blood of cousin…

Jeremy Gilbert: Wait, what?

Bonnie Bennet: Hand stab! The spirits tell me Elena is in… Inbred, Virginia.

Stefan Salvatore: Bonnie, all of Virginia is inbred. I need a more exact location!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wait! I can use Google Map’s Satellite View to locate the most run-down mansion in Virginia… that’s got to be where Elena is!

Stefan Salvatore: Brilliant!

Damon Salvatore: To the Damonmobile!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, why are you coming?

Damon Salvatore: Because I can’t get into your girlfriends pant’s if some random vampire eats her, dummy.

Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Me am angry werewolf! Angry werewolf demand answers from stupid alibi girl! Wrist grab!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire aikido powers activate!

Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Me am angry werewolf! Angry werewolf no like being beat up by alibi girl! Can kick!

Stefan Salvatore: Thanks for coming along, Damon! We should talk about how you want to shag my girlfriend!

Damon Salvatore: Really? Because I was thinking we should talk about you shutting the hell up.

Stefan Salvatore: Aw, but I like road trip bonding!

Damon Salvatore: Keep it up… I can turn this car around any time I want.

Stefan Salvatore: That’s the beauty of it, Damon… no, you can’t.

Team Stefan: Point.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I found the Broke Ass Palace on my Product Placement… thingie, but it wasn’t on the screen long enough for Thomas to figure out what it was! The sponsor’s gonna be pissed!

Bonnie Bennet: Did you know that they don’t have cell phones in Africa, and that we had to develop an alternate method of long-distance messaging? It involves paper, a pen, a candle, a strand of hair, and a nosebleed!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s awesome!

Bonnie Bennet: Bedflop!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s not!

Elena Gilbert: So, about my most recent captivity?

Rose: Oh god, I’ll tell you if it will shut you up. You’re the Petrova Doppelganger, which means you’re blood is the key to unlocking the Lame Ass Mayan Curse of Mild Inconvenience.

The Girlfriend: I wonder if this is like Pirates of the Caribbean, where they just need a drop of her blood?

Rose: So we’re gonna kill you!

The Girlfriend: Guess not.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Rose: Oh, did I mention that Lexi tried to get me to sex up Stefan a hundred years ago?

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Rose: Don’t worry, it didn’t work out. I like bad boys!

Thomas: Adds “Team Romon” to the character sheet.

Tyler Lockwood: You’re a werewolf!

Caroline Forbes: You’re an idiot!

Tyler Lockwood: Wall shove!

Caroline Forbes: Fangs!

Tyler Lockwood: Omigod!

Caroline Forbes: This is going to be hard to explain.

Trevor: Time for an info dump! Katherine was the first of the Petrova Doppelgangers! They were gonna kill her, but…

Rose: Since Katherine is A) hot and B) slutty, Trevor fell for her!

Trevor: And since Rose fell for me…

Rose: What can I say? He plays guitar.

Trevor: She helped me escape the Originals…

Rose: Who are super-old, super-powerful, super-creepy vampires, who will in no way use some kind legalistic interpretation of clever language to get revenge on us even after we give them you!

Elena Gilbert: …You’re all really stupid, aren’t you?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, usually when a girl flops on my bed like that, there’s some kind of drug involved. Are you all right?

Bonnie Bennet: Witchcraft is hard! And lonely!

Jeremy Gilbert: You know what always helps me when I’m lonely? Staring longingly into someone else’s eyes!

Bonnie Bennet: Okay!

Team Jernnie: Is officially on the Character Sheet.

Bonnie Bennet’s Witch-Mail: Dear Elena, Stefan and Damon are coming. Please don’t get eaten until then. Also, I’m probably going to shack up with your kid brother. Hope that isn’t weird! <3 -B

Damon Salvatore: Nom nom nom tasty human blood nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Nom nom nom tasty human blood nom!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, does Elena know you’re back on human blood?

Stefan Salvatore: Probably, since I’ve been drinking hers.

Damon Salvatore: I… don’t have a witty comeback to that, so I’m just going to insult you, okay?

Trevor: Elijah’s here! We’re effed!

Rose: That’s right, babe! We’re family! Forever!

Trevor: That’s not the “f” word I was thinking of.

Rose: Now, just so we’re clear, this deal will make us even, right?

Elijah: I have complete authority to pardon you and your boyfriend, if I so desire. And I promise that I will pardon you, once you give me the actress that plays Katherine. Also: I relish the fact that English doesn’t differentiate between the singular and plural forms of the second person. </lawyer>

Rose: Wait, what?

Elijah: Nothing! So, about the clone chick… Super vampire running real fast and appearing in front of Elena and then creepily leaning in like I’m going to kiss her but just sniffing her instead and declaring her human powers activate!

Trevor: Yep. Effed.

Damon Salvatore: So, you do realize that whoever took Elena is probably like five hundred years old and crazy strong, right?

Stefan Salvatore: That’s cool, I’m totally down with sacrificing myself for the girl we love.

Damon Salvatore: No way, I get to sacrifice myself for the girl we love! Shove! Trip! Run!

Elijah: So, about your betrayal…

Trevor: Grovel, scrape, whimper.

Elijah: Super vampire cutting off Trevor’s funny shaped head with my bare hand because I am that damn awesome powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I’ll give you the Magic Moon Rock and the vampire played by the same actress as me if you let me go!

Elijah: Moon rock? Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Haha, I’m wearing an anti-vampire pot necklace!

Elijah: Unfortunately for you, unlike most other vampires, I am smart enough to remove said necklace and try again. To wit: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Duur the moon rock is in the tomb under the church where we burred Katherine durr.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elijah!

Damon Salvatore: We’re here to ruin your party!

Elijah: Sigh. I am so going to murder everyone in this room.

Elena Gilbert: Anti-vampire pot grenade powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire using up all of the stake gun’s ammunition then throwing it on the ground and tackling the evil ancient vampire powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire being a total badass and ramming a stake through the evil ancient vampire’s heart and pinning him to the wall powers activate!

Elijah: Super vampire dying powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Ecstatic smile! Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Ecstatic smile! Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire cock blocking my brother for the thousandth time powers activate!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Don’t mind me, I was just watching you sleep.

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I’m not kidnapped anymore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I need you to help me protect Elena! Also: I’m sorry that I got you hooked on drugs cheerleaders back in the day!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. I’m going to go try to get in your girlfriend’s pants now.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! you look like you need alcohol!

Tyler Lockwood: So… are there any other vampires in town?

Caroline Forbes: What? No there are no other vampires because I’m the only vampire and I certainly don’t hang out with a bunch of vampires and the people who sleep with them that’s crazy talk why would you ask that tee hee? Also: any other werewolves?

Tyler Lockwood: Just my uncle Mason, but he’s out of town.

Caroline Forbes: Yes. Yes, out of town is where he is. He is out of town.

Tyler Lockwood: I’m sad and lonely and afraid!

Caroline Forbes: I give awkward comforting hugs!

Tyler Lockwood: I’m going to try to get into your pants next episode!

Thomas: I’m going to vomit!

Rose: Hi Stefan! I’m here to add another vertex to your love dodecahedron! And to warn you that Klaus is coming for Elena!

Thomas: How about I just add Team Everyone with Everyone Else to the sheet?

The People That Have Read The Books: Hope that TV Klaus is a much better character than Book Klaus. Which is very probable.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! You’re in my bedroom! That’s creepy!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I brought you your anti-vampire pot necklace. But first: I love you, Elena. And it’s because I love you that… I can’t be selfish with you. Why you can’t know this. I don’t deserve you. But my brother does. God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this. But you do, so… look into my eyes. Single tear.

Team Damon: Is dead from romantic.

Elena Gilbert: I want french fries!

Elijah: Super vampire coming back from the dead even though Damon had a crowning moment of epic awesome powers activate!

The Plot: Thickens.