The Vampire Diaries – S02E11 – By the Light of the Moon

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Hey Mason, I filled up your voicemail, so now I’m leaving messages on your answering machine! Anyway, about this torture porn of you turning into a werewolf… it looks like it really hurts to turn into a werewolf, and since I’m going to turn into a werewolf tonight, I’d like to talk to another werewolf about it. Also: werewolf.

Jules: Aroof?

Elena Gilbert: I wanna commit noble suicide! Pout!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, but we’re against that plan.

Bonnie Bennet: However, I will leave this moonstone laying around while I go powder my noise.

Elena Gilbert: Yoink! Sneak! Suicide!

Bonnie Bennet: Ahem! Someone has guilty face!

Jeremy Gilbert: And someone else has a strangely empty purse!

Elena Gilbert: Yeah funny that it must have been a house elf you know how they love shiny rocks but hey look at the time I gotta go see Stefan I’ll…

Bonnie Bennet: Get trapped inside my Magic Living Room of Not Escaping?

Elena Gilbert: Foot stomp!

Thomas: And that right there is where I would start brushing up on my witch-dunking technique. Bonnie is too dangerous and too gray-hat to live.

Damon Salvatore: …and then she did that thing where she stomps her foot! It was priceless! I <3 Bonnie! Say, wants some blood?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, if I get blood I’d have to share it with Katherine, and besides, I’m all noble, about self-destructive acts.

Damon Salvatore: Whatevs. I’m gonna go see if I can get Elena to hold her breath until she passes out. Later!

Katherine Pierce: Eyeroll.

Tyler Lockwood: Bye mom! I’ve got plans tonight… practice, going out to eat with the guys, a few hours of gut-wrenching pain, misery, and body hair, and a study date, so don’t wait up!

Jules: Hi Tyler! I shag werewolves! Have you seen mine?

Aunt Jenna: And Carol was all like “my husband just died!” and the rest of the Council was like “and your whole family is into the creepy journaling thing anyway!” so yeah, I’m playing host to some writer guy who is totally not important to the plot in any way whatsoever.

Alaric Saltzman: Refuses to speak in this scene because he doesn’t want to use up all of his lines this early.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! So Mason’s hot girlfriend just showed up and was all like “why no, Mason never came back to Florida, wherever did he go?”

Caroline Forbes: Funny story about that…

Tyler Lockwood: Anyway, let’s go try out all this bondage gear I bought!

Caroline Forbes: …

Tyler Lockwood: Because it’s a full moon? And I’m a werewolf?

Caroline Forbes: Oh right!

Damon Salvatore: So! Quick recap: Elena, you’re stuck in the Magical Living Room of Not Escaping, Stefan’s banging Katherine, Jeremy, you’re a teenage douche, Bonnie is making squinty faces at the moon rock, Caroline is going to get eaten by Tyler-

Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): Hi Damon! Sheriff Forbes thinks Mason Lockwood might have been murdered!

Damon Salvatore: -and I have to go rip someone’s heart out. TTFN!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey (adopted) sister! I’m going to lay down with my head in your lap! Is that cool?

Elena Gilbert: No. Brothershove!

Carol Lockwood: Thanks for dropping by, Jules! Let’s hope for the best. Because I really can’t take another mysterious death. More people die in this house than in a Saw movie.

Jules (on the phone): So yeah, kid’s a werewolf. I’m gonna go track him down and make some puppies.

Jules: Hi! Do you know where Tyler is?

Matt Donovan: Nods, because they can’t afford to have both him and Alaric talk this episode.

Alaric Saltzman: So… where is Mason?

Damon Salvatore: Dumped his body in his car, and his car in a ravine. You know, the usual. Anyway, let’s slip some rohypnol anti-werewolf pot into that chick’s drink and see what happens!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I brought you your anti-werewolf pot!

Tyler Lockwood: Great! And these chains are rated to hold five thousand pounds!

Caroline Forbes: How much can a werewolf lift?

Tyler Lockwood: The script says… five thousand and one. Bummer. Oh well, naked time!

Caroline Forbes: Eew! I’m not going to be ready to see you naked for like two or three more episodes!

Team Tyler: We are!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Luka! Sorry I almost murdered you with my half-assed spell.

Luka Martin: You’re hot, so I forgive you!

Bonnie Bennet: Great! Hey, where did you get all Books of Shadows?

Luka Martin: My father collects them. He says all witches are family, and it’s our duty to keep the legend alive or some crap.

The Girlfriend: Eew. Warlock incest.

Bonnie Bennet: So, can you help me destroy a magic talisman? And/or betray my trust and put my friends in danger?

Luka Martin: Sure can!

Alaric Saltzman: Duuur I am drunk and my hair is enormous and I slur my words and you have pretty boobies!

Jules: …

Damon Salvatore: Hi Jules! Is this guy bothering you?

Jules: …

Alaric Saltzman: Stealthy vampire hunter who’s actually allowed to do something this episode slipping some were-roofies into the wolf chick’s drink powers activate!

Jules: …

Katherine Pierce: Hey Stefan! Did you know that vampires still have heartbeats? And that when we desiccate, our veins rub together like sandpaper! And that that makes me sad?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m planning to enjoy the hell out of your suffering, actually.

Katherine Pierce: Pout. Anyway, I think it’s time for some casual nudity. Dress drop!

Stefan Salvatore: Her eyes are up there, here eyes are up there, her eyes are up there…

Katherine Pierce: And since you’re trapped in the tomb… and since Damon is almost certainly trapped in Elena’s tomb… we might as well make the best of it! Kissey face!

Stefan Salvatore: Resist! Lust! Reciprocate!

Team Stelena: No!

Team Delena: Yes!

Team It Was Only a Dream: Told you so!

Stefan Salvatore: Have I mentioned that I hate your brain powers?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Aunt Jenna! Why are you pulling out all of our old family diaries?

Aunt Jenna: Because I got roped into helping someone from the historical society do a bunch of research. Someone that is totally unimportant, and in no way a central figure to the plot!

Elijah: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Jeremy! Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah?

Elijah: Angry face!

Elena Gilbert: Oh nothing no evil deadly vampire here why would you even ask that tee hee?

Elijah: Happy face!

Jules: …And I’m only in town until I can find Mason.

Damon Salvatore: I know Mason!

Jules: I think he was kidnapped! And/or murdered!

Damon Salvatore: So, about these drinks…

Tyler Lockwood: Well, I’m naked, chained up, and were-roofied. Let’s do this thing!

The Girlfriend: Scratch him behind the ears. They love that.

Elijah: So… Klaus is a poopey head, and I’d like you to help me murder him to death. In exchange, I’ll not murder you or anyone you love. I even have witches to help keep you safe!

Elena Gilbert: Well, that sounds like a great plan, but I need you to do one more thing…

Bonnie Bennet: Thanks so much for helping me un-spell the moon rock, Luka!

Luka Martin: No problem! Say, have you ever used your powers to put on a light show so that people would think you were unspelling a talisman, but really weren’t?

Bonnie Bennet: Well, there was this one time, in season one… wait, what?

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, have you ever seen anyone’s arm dislocate itself? Snap!

Damon Salvatore: So, you haven’t touched your drink, and you should really drink your drink, because drinks are for drinking!

Jules: Look, I know you were-roofied my drink.

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? well I murdered Mason!

Alaric Saltzman: Facepalm.

Jules: Aaaaand I’m going to eat you later tonight. You’ve been marked, Damon.

Tyler Lockwood: Caroline! get away from me! Before I hurt you!

Caroline Forbes: But then the audience wouldn’t be afraid of you eating me!

Damon Salvatore: I am so going to murder that were-bitch! “You’ve been marked!” What does that even mean?

Alaric Saltzman: I… think she peed on your shoes. Also, it’s the full moon. You should probably go lock yourself inside your nice big castle, with the nice thick doors, and the nice big windows.

Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan!

Caroline Forbes: Cuddle, comfort, weep.

Tyler Lockwood: Twitch, fur, fangs!

Caroline Forbes: Hey look at the time got to go lock this big thick cell door now bye bye!

The Special Effects Budget: Is now blown.

Tyler Lockwood: Super werewolf breaking out of my restraints and smashing the door powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire throwing this giant log in front of the door and running like a fat kid after cake powers activate!

Rose: Hi Damon! I’m sorry! And lusty! And homeless!

Were-Jules: Om nom nom, tasty Damon Rose nom!

Damon Salvatore: Wolf stab!

Were-Jules: Escape hatch!

Rose: Super vampire healing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. That’s wacky.

Luka Martin: Hey, I’m done betraying Bonnie’s trust. Here’s your stupid moon rock.

Jonas Martin: Sweet. So what are your thoughts on Vampire Tombs of Not Escaping?

Katherine Pierce: Just to reiterate, I’m a self-centered, amoral bitch, but I still want to get into your pants.

Elijah: Hey Stefan! I’ve got witches on retainer, and you’re free to go!

Katherine Pierce: Sweet! It’s gonna be great to…

Elijah: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Katherine Pierce: …stay here until you tell me otherwise. Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, it was nice chatting, Katherine! See you in a century or two!

Caroline Forbes: Tyler! You’re all right!

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah, I’m effing fantastic.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I-

Elena Gilbert: Less talk more reunion sex!

Damon Salvatore: So yeah, Tyler was all locked up, and I got another person hurt through my rash decisions. I really should stop doing that some time.

Rose: Yeah, that’d be great. Anyway, I’m strictly against falling for men that are in love with other women…

Damon Salvatore: Lame.

Rose: So we’re just going to have to be friends with benefits!

Damon Salvatore: Score! Say, what’s that weird rash where Were-Jules bit you?

The Plot: Simmers until January 27th.

Thomas: Just a quick programming note: since we’ve got eight weeks until The Vampire Diaries is back on, I’m going to (finally) catch up on my True Blood retro-recaps. Feel free to let me know which season you want me to do (one or two) in the comments