The Vampire Diaries – S02E12 – The Descent

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman, in one of the few moments he’s been allowed on-screen this season, shared with us the fruits of his estranged wife / current vampire / Elena Gilbert‘s mother Isobel Flemming-Saltzman. To whit: The Myans got sick of all the hot Vampire on Werewolf action, and cast the Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience. The curse limits vampires to hunting at night – you know, when humans awake and ready to defend themselves – and limits the werewolves to shifting on the full moon. The keys to this curse are a piece of Moon Rock and the blood of a European family – the Petrovas – that wouldn’t arrive in South America for several hundred years, but let’s gloss over that for now. But let’s not gloss over the fact that Elena Gilbert is a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, who are both really Petrovas, meaning Elena’s death can free the vampires from having to wear Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight.

If that paragraph made any sense to you: I love you, and welcome home.

Elena is currently being hunted by / desperately offering herself to Klaus, the oldest vampire that ever did fang. Klaus wants to break the curse because… well, I guess he just doesn’t like having to wear a gaudy ring when he wants to tan, and fancies the idea of the few remaining werewolves being able to turn into vampire murdering machines any time they like. His chief henchman is Elijah, who, despite being a Eurotrash douchebag, has shown himself able to kick seven kinds of ass, including mind-whammying other vampires and coming back from the really-dead when Damon (squee!) ran a goddamn telephone pole through his chest. Elijah is sick of playing second fiddle to Klaus, and has offered Elena a deal: if she helps him trick Klaus, and stops trying to commit suicide-by-vampire every couple of episodes, he’ll kill Klaus and leave the denizens of Mystic Falls to whatever it is they do instead of going to school like regular teenagers.

Caroline Forbes, a new vampire, has the kinda-hots for Tyler Lockwood, a new werewolf. Damon, who’s kinda her sire since it was his blood that did the vamping, has forbidden her from seeing him, which will totally not become a Romeo and Juliette thing in a few weeks. Caroline helped Tyler make his very own fur-themed torture porn when he transformed for the very first time. But! Caroline is currently kinda-dating Matt Donovan, who spends most of his time being sad and mopey and completely unaware of all of the supernatural goings-on going on around him. He’s like a little puppy: you just want to take him home, feed him, and get him neutered so that he doesn’t get anyone pregnant.

Jules arrived in town a few days ago. She’s a werewolf, and was dating Mason Lockwood, another werewolf who was also dating Katherine Pierce. Damon shoved a fistful of anti-werewolf pot down his throat, then ripped his heart out, because that’s what Damon does. Anyway, Jules came to Mystic Falls looking for her lover, and is out for revenge. That didn’t end so well for Rose, the vampire who kidnapped Elena to turn over to Elijah to give to Klaus so that he wouldn’t stake her. Rose did a heel-face turn, pranced around in a little silk kimono, and offered Damon the position of Friends with Benefits (they had a bunch of sex). Wolf-mode Jules came crashing into Castle Salvatore and, since wolves are all nearsighted, bit Rose instead of Damon, which, according to the legends, is fatal. Also: terrible for your skin.

Elena’s brother Jeremy got himself stuck in the Vampire Tomb of Not Escaping with Katherine, because he’s a dumbass, and Stefan Salvatore rushed in to save him, thus getting himself stuck in the tomb, because he’s a dumbass. But don’t worry, Bonnie Bennet and Luka Martin, who have special powers due to the color of their skin, were able to get him out. Katherine is still stuck in there, though, because Elijah is kind of a dick. Anyway, Stefan is free and again dating Elena, but apparently the writers think he’s boring, because he’s only in this episode for like five minutes. They claim he’s going off to find Isobel, but we all know they can’t afford to have Mia Kirshner guest star again, so it’s really a fool’s errand.

Oh, and there was this whole ad campaign comparing The Vampires Diaries to a sexually transmitted disease. That was… special.

And, The Girlfriend became The Fiancee !

Now, on to the episode!

Jules: Well, here I am again. Middle of the woods, stark naked, and surrounded by body parts. It’s like I never left college.

Deputy Redshirt: Hello there, miss! I just happen to be driving my police car through the middle of the forrest, and decided to stop by! Why, you appear to be surrounded by a murder scene! I should alert the authorities!

Jules: That’s a fantastic idea! But before you do… tree branch!

Deputy Redshirt: Dies.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan? Stefan! Stefan Stefan Stefan! You’re… standing right behind me, aren’t you?

Stefan Salvatore: Yep! Also, I’m-

Team   Stefan:   Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: -Mostly naked!

Elena Gilbert: Yay! Speaking of, all of this almost dying is making me kinda horney, and since you have such nice abs, I was thinking that maybe we could wink-wink and nudge-nudge a little bit…

Stefan Salvatore: Aw, that’s sweet, but I’m contractually obligated to cock-block myself at every available opportunity, so I’m going to go find your mother. Also, I’m going to drink some anti-vampire pot and throw up all over your new shoes. Tootles!

Rose: Hi Damon! I’ve progressed to the “acceptance” stage of grief!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice, but I’m still stuck at the “torture a werewolf until she tells you what you want to hear” stage, so why don’t you drink some blood and chill for a bit?

Elena Gilbert: So Stefan went to sweet holy hell what happened to your back?!?

Damon Salvatore: It’s only a flesh wound. Say, would you mind babysitting the ravenous, delirious vampire while I go murder a few people? Thanks!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Thanks for helping me with the torture porn! Couldn’t have done it without you!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! Thanks for showing me your butt! Also: we need better doors next time, and maybe a safe word. You know, ’cause werewolf bites are fatal and all.

Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?

Matt Donovan: Um, hello? Still technically dating?

Tyler Lockwood: Leaving!

Matt Donovan: Kissing!

Caroline Forbes: Awkward!

Jules: Hi Sheriff Forbes! I’m Jules, Mason Lockwood’s friend!

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Jules! Thanks for meeting me in a restaurant! We can’t afford an actual police station. All of the unexplained deaths have really cut into the property values, and taxes are way down. I’ll let you know when I find Mason’s body!

Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): Damon! The wolf is in the grill, if you get my clever code!

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, you’re Damon’s errand boy now?

Alaric Saltzman: Screen time is screen time, Stefan, and my mortgage isn’t gonna pay itself.

Stefan Salvatore: Fair enough. Anyway, I’ve got a few questions for your psychotic, evil, heartbreaking, Elena-threatening bitch of an ex-wife, and I was hoping you could put me in touch with her!

Alaric Saltzman: Well, we really aren’t on speaking terms anymore, but I do have a murder list book filled with the names and numbers of all the men she used to sleep with, so why don’t you start there?

Stefan Salvatore: Great! You can text me the number on my Product Placement iPhone! Only a looser would use a Windows 7 Phone, amirite? Makes an ‘L’ with his thumb and forefinger.

Rose: You know what sucks? Ben Roethlisberger is probably going to win another Super Bowl ring. You know what else sucks? Dying.

Elena Gilbert: Don’t say that Rose! I’m sure the fact that you don’t have a last name and were only signed for five episodes doesn’t mean all hope is lost! Just lay down in Damon’s bed. I’m sure that’s a familiar, comfortable position for you.

The Fiancee: She’s going to bleed all over those sheets.

Rose: Hey, did you know that I never winked or nudged Trevor? And that I never had a family? And that I never had a real home? And that Damon’s eyebrows aren’t the only think that he can wiggle? And that your witch friend probably didn’t really destroy the Moon Rock? And that you should embrace life and not give up and stop trying to sacrifice yourself because it’s all over so soon?

Elena Gilbert: Ooooookay, I’m just going to go over here now.

Rose: That’s cool, I’m just going to hallucinate over here. And maybe vomit up some blood.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, so how about… um, why is your bed empty?

Rose: Fangs!

Rose: Damn you, Katherine! This is all your fault!

Elena Gilbert: Elena. You mean Elena. Who is me. Though I can understand the confusion, what with us being played by the same actress and all.

Rose: Oh! Right you are.

Jules: Nom nom tasty excuse to wait around until Damon shows up to threaten me nom!

Stefan Salvatore: My Product Placement iPhone is ringing! Why, Alaric has texted me Isobel’s phone number: 919.399.2507

Damon Salvatore: Look, a werewolf! Crazy eyes!

Stefan Salvatore: Um, Damon? Room full of witnesses?

Damon Salvatore: Well, there goes my plan to rip her spleen out through her back. Guess I’ll just have to go with threats and intimidations.

Jules: Hi Damon! Sorry about your girlfriend! I’ll try to murder you again in thirty days, when I’ll actually be strong enough to hurt you!

Damon Salvatore: So here’s the deal. I’m really good at the whole “ripping out your heart through your chest” thing. Really good. And I haven’t gotten the chance to do that in like five or six days. So I’m really, really looking forward to ripping out your heart. But! If you tell me how to cure Rose, I’ll let you live.

Jules: Okay, tell me the symptoms. Does she have a horrible, bloody, oozing rash?

Damon Salvatore: Yes!

Jules: Is she shivering? In pain?

Damon Salvatore: Yes!

Jules: Delirious?

Damon Salvatore: Yes!

Jules: Does she have a fever?

Damon Salvatore: Yes!

Jules: Okay… if she has a fever, the only cure… is more cowbell. Later!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Rose, I… really? Your bed is empty again, and you’re hiding somewhere in this dark mansion, fangs all popped out, again? All right then.

The Fiancee: This would be an ideal time to get into the sunlight.

Elena Gilbert: Hey look! A trail of blood, leading into the basement!

Rose: Nom nom tasty bags of blood nom!

Elena Gilbert: HI ROSE! PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME IN YOUR RAVENOUS, FEVERED STATE!

Rose: Nom nom tasty Elena / Katherine / Whatever nom!

Elena Gilbert: Curtain rip!

Rose: Sunburn! Elena grab!

Elena Gilbert: Wound poke!

The Fiancee: Sun. Light.

Elena Gilbert: What was that, loyal viewer? You want me to run back into the mansion and corner myself? Okay!

Thomas: She deserves to die.

The Fiancee: I thought you liked her?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry, this small shelf, which I can easily move by myself, will protect me!

Thomas: Not when she’s all… special needs.

Matt Donovan: So, about you freaking out when I kissed you…

Caroline Forbes: It’s because I love you! Runs away.

Matt Donovan: 0_o

Elena Gilbert: Well, now that the sun’s down, it’s probably safe to emerge from hiding and go wandering about the castle.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! You sure look… like… Rose is out murdering the entire town. Facepalm.

Rose: Blood puke!

Nameless Janitor: Hi there!

Rose: Fangs!

Nameless Janitor: Dies.

Damon Salvatore: Vampire?

Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan Stefan Stefan where’s Stefan what’s going on with Stefan?!?

Damon Salvatore: Say, can we find my dying-also-crazy-also-murdering-the-entire-town girlfriend first?

Elena Gilbert: I guess. Pout.

Cute Young Boy: Madam, allow me to open the car door for you, and shut it gently once you are inside. Bows gracefully.

Cute Young Girl: Why thank you, kind sir! Curtsey.

Cute Young Boy: One moment, and I shall join you inside my horseless carriage, and bear you straight away to your home.

Cute Young Girl: That’s odd, my boyfriend hasn’t gotten into the car yet.

Cute Young Boy’s Cute Young Corpse: Comes crashing through the windshield.

Cute Young Girl: That’s unfortunate!

Rose: You look tasty!

Cute Young Girl: Dies.

Damon Salvatore: Rose! Rose Rose Rose! Snap out of it Rose!

Rose: I can’t do this! I never wanted to hurt anybody!

Elena Gilbert: What about when you were going to sacrifice me to Klaus?

Damon Salvatore: Anyway, let’s get you back to the castle.

Rose: Hi Elena! I’m dying! And that makes me philosophical! And crampy!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to an important conclusion… we should have sex.

Caroline Forbes: This sucks! I love Matt and he has nice abs and a cute smile but I feel all mothery toward Tyler and I saw him naked last night and that made me happy and now I don’t know what to do!

Tyler Lockwood: Smootch!

Caroline Forbes: Everyone needs to stop kissing me!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you know that that dream-control thing Katherine does to make my brother think he’s has sex with her can also be used to comfort the dying?

Rose: Why, it’s the fourteen-hundreds again, and I’m dressed in my finest finery, and there’s a horse and flowers and bunnies and sunshine! I’m so happy!

Damon Salvatore: Single tear…

Rose: It’s all right, Damon. I’m not afraid anymore.

Bon Jovi: Stake through the heart! And Damon’s to blame! He gives love! A bad name!

Rose: Dies.

Damon Salvatore: Here’s the vampire, Sheriff. Don’t worry, I’ll bury the body.

Jules: Hi Tyler! Thanks for coming! So… I know about you and Mason!

Tyler Lockwood: There’s a very good explanation for why we were always naked around each other!

Jules: No, I mean about the werewolf thing. And the vampire thing. And the Kick Ass Werewolf Gang that’s coming to town to wreck some shit. Wanna join?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I came back to make sure you were okay.

Damon Salvatore: Crazy eyes!

Elena Gilbert: I know you’re hurting Damon, and I want to be here to help you! Not in the “I love you” kind of way, but in the “cock teasing” kind of way!

Damon Salvatore: Crazy. Eyes.

Elena Gilbert: Longer than necessary hug!

Damon Salvatore: Crazy! Eyes!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I didn’t find the money to pay for your mother to appear this ep, but I did find…

Elena Gilbert: Daddy Uncle John Gilbert!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you remember that thing I used to do, where I’d lay in the middle of the road, waiting for a Cute Young Couple to come by and offer my assistance?

Another Cute Young Girl: Why good sir, you appear to be laying in the middle of the road! Do you require assistance?

Damon Salvatore: Yes, just like that. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Another Cute Young Girl: Why, I appear to be frozen in place!

Damon Salvatore: So, I’ve got a secret that I’m just dying to share…

Another Cute Young Girl: What, the vampire thing? Come on, everybody knows that. You can only pass off so many deaths on wild bobcats before someone gets suspicious.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no, it’s not that. The secret is that I’ve really, really missed all of that random killing I used to do. The secret is that I’m not the good guy. The secret is that I’m not who she thinks I am. The secret is that I’m not who she wants me to be.

Another Cute Young Girl: …this is going to end poorly for me, isn’t it?

Damon Salvatore: I don’t know! But I’m dying to find out!

Another Cute Young Girl: Runs.

Damon Salvatore: Fangs!

Another Cute Young Girl: Dies.

The Plot: Thickens.