The Vampire Diaries – S02E15 – The Dinner Party

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: This is fantastic! Hair flips, heart rips, torture porn… the fans are eating it up! But it feels like something’s still missing…

Ian Somerhalder: Unbuttons his shirt.

The Producers: No, that’s not what we had in mind…

Daniel Gillies: Coifs his hair.

The Producers: No, that’s not it either… hey, Matt Davis!

Matt Davis: …Urg?

The Producers: Do you remember how to say lines?

Matt Davis: Single tear.

The Original John Gilbert: Dear Diary: blah blah blah, all the vamps are dead, and Mystic Falls is safe from the demons of the night.

A Demon of the Night: …Yes. Safe. Safe is what you are. Totally safe.

The Original Honoria Fell: What ho! My part is much much smaller in this series than in the books! And I have heard a noise, as if something were creaking! And only a monster could cause such a racket!

The Original Thomas Gilbert: Stay ye here, and I shall investigate this unholy squeaking!

The Original John Gilbert: Forsooth! Take ye this knife of bread cutting, and stand ye fast! And I shall join the in thy quest, but only to prove that the vampires are well and truly dead!

The Original Thomas Gilbert: And I shall wander out into the night, and draw forth the hell-spawned beast with my tasty tasty blood!

The Original John Gilbert: Egads! I shall prove to thee and thine that the vampires are no more! Look, the Magic Gilbert Device of Vampire Detection is as still as a-

Magic Gilbert Device of Vampire Detection: WHHHHHIIIIIIIIRRRRRR CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CICK THERE’S A VAMPIRE AND YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIE WHIR!

The Original John Gilbert: Oh shit. Verily.

Stefan Salvatore: NOM NOM NOM!

The Original Thomas Gilbert: Dies.

The Original Honoria Fell: Blast and zounds! I must run to cradle Thomas’ corpse!

Stefan Salvatore: NOM NOM NOM!

The Original Honoria Fell: Dies.

The Original John Gilbert: This… is unfortunate.

Stefan Salvatore: NOM NOM NOM!

The Original John Gilbert: Dies. But keeps writing in his journal anyway.

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire… skipping a rock across the lake powers activate? Really? That’s my big contribution. All right then.

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Stefan! I had sex last night! What did you do?

Stefan Salvatore: Got into an argument over Elena’s suicide plans and cock-blocked myself.

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Dude, you really need to get that taken out of your contract. Oh! Did you know that Tyler ran away from home?

Stefan Salvatore: How did you hear that?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Turns out Mystic Falls has an extensive “have you seen my missing teenager” phone tree. Something about an obscenely high mortality rate and a staggering backlog of missing persons cases.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about Operation: Kill Elijah…

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Don’t worry, bro! I’ve got this under control! No impulsive decisions, no dangerous stunts, no worries!

Stefan Salvatore: You’re going to invite him to dinner, yell “what the hell is that,” and try to stab him, aren’t you?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): …Maybe.

Aunt Jenna: And here’s where we found Vicki’s body, and this is where all those campers got eaten by a jaguar, and this is where that hiker got mauled by a panther, and here’s where that cougar tried to sex up Tyler, and then some more campers got mauled by a bear over here, and this is the site of the tragic squirrel attacks of Aught Nine…

Elijah: Do you have any historical locations that don’t involve unlikely animal attacks?

Aunt Jenna: Umm… we have the original Fell estate!

Elijah: Ah yes, one of the ~*founding families*~

Aunt Jenna: Why do you say it like that?

Elijah: Because I’m European. Also: Mystic Falls as actually founded by refuges from the Salem Witch Trials.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a founder!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! I’m using my cover as a history teacher as an excuse to follow you around! And say lines!

Elijah: Speaking of secret plots, do you have a list of properties owned by black people? They’re almost certain to contain… completely ordinary, totally non-mystical, generic items of no interest whatsoever.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, that list is in the car! BRB!

Alaric Saltzman: So, just wanted to make sure you remembered Jena is on Elena’s list of “Do Not Bite”.

Elijah: No worries, I don’t go for younger women.

Edward Cullen: Why not?

Alaric Saltzman: …

Elijah: It was a joke, Rick. Lighten up.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! What’s up?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, I’m just thinking about last night.

Jeremy Gilbert: 😀

Bonnie Bennet: Like, who knew mind rape is so hard!

Jeremy Gilbert: You know what else is hard? I’ll give you a hint: it’s in my pants.

Luka Martin: So, wacky story… the last thing I remember is playing pool with Bonnie while Jeremy gave me the stink eye, and then I woke up with no pants and an irresistible urge to take a shower. What’s up with that?

Bonnie Bennet: It’s the taco dip. Has that effect on everybody.

Jeremy Gilbert: Seriously. and whatever you do, stay away from “chef’s special.”

Elena Gilbert: Still angry?

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s see. My brother is way hotter than me, the only character I have any chemistry with is probably gonna have hate sex with a dog boy, and my girlfriend is planning to murder herself in some kind of lame ass attempt to save us all from the lame ass vampire that’s trying to break the lame ass curse. Yeah, I’d say I’m still angry.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, we just have a difference of opinion! You can’t expect me to agree with you on everything!

Stefan Salvatore: No, you saying that my man-thong was a bad idea was a difference of opinion. Saying that “I want to kill myself and you don’t” is a “difference of opinion” is the understatement of the century!

Elena Gilbert: Well you would know. Because you’re really old. Like, more than a century. You know, because of the vampiring.

Stefan Salvatore: I got that, thanks. I still think-oh hey! Is that The Original John Gilbert’s diary? Am I in it?

Elena Gilbert: Um, yeah, actually. He makes you sound kind of… Damon-ey.

Stefan Salvatore: Pish! He didn’t know the half of it!

Stefan Salvatore: NOM NOM NOM!

A Hot Civil War Girl: Dies.

Two Other Hot Civil War Girls: Oh, murder us next! Murder us next!

Damon Salvatore: So… about the stack of bodies you have laying around the house, while the entire town is out looking for us…

Stefan Salvatore: What?

Damon Salvatore: Looking for us, so that they can stake us, and decapitate us, and put a clove of garlic in our mouths, and burry us at a crossroads?

Stefan Salvatore: Not seeing the point here.

Damon Salvatore: The point is that you should be careful, and thoughtful, and less murder-ey. Like me! </irony>

Alaric Saltzman: Stupid Elijah with his stupid hair and his stupid accent and his stupid chin with his stupid book deal and his stupid knowledge of this stupid town’s stupid history.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, other than that, did you get anything good out of him?

Alaric Saltzman: Jenna is not sleeping with Elijah!

Damon Salvatore: Hooookay then.

Andie Star: You sound jealous!

Alaric Saltzman: And you sound like a civilian!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, it’s cool. Watch this: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Andie Star: Damon Salvatore is not a vampire, and he’s never bitten me or drunk my blood!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, so I need to work on that. Anyway, we need an excuse to get alone with Elijah…

Aunt Jenna and Elijah: Hi guys! We just got back from our totally appropriate and professional and chaste date meeting!

Andie Star: You should come to our murder party!

Elijah: Wait, what?

Andie Star: You should come to our dinner party!

Damon Salvatore: I love this girl.

Katherine Pierce: You know what sucks? Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. You know what else sucks? Being mind-whammied by a really old (but still kinda hot) vampire into staying stuck in the Vampire Tomb of Not Escaping even though any other vampire can totally escape.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! I brought you some blood! And some dresses!

Katherine Pierce: Oh good. I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything to wear to the fabulous parties we have here buried under the goddamn ground.

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Anyway, did you know that Uncle John Gilbert is back in town? And that he told me how to kill Elijah?

Katherine Pierce: Really, you’re taking vampire killing advice from the guy who mistook me for his on daughter, and whose fingers I cut off, and whose gut I stabbed?

Damon Salvatore: Well, now that you put it that way… but he gave me a fancy dagger! And a fancy bottle of white oak ash!

Katherine Pierce: 0_0

Damon Salvatore: Okay then!

Katherine Pierce: But Damon! If you kill Elijah he won’t be able to de-mind-whammy me! And I’ll be stuck in here forever!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, sucks to be you. Oh well, it’s stabby time!

Stefan Salvatore: So yeah, I went on a month-long blood bender. It was pretty gnarly.

Elena Gilbert: Why didn’t anyone realize what you were doing?

Stefan Salvatore: Mostly it was Sunnydale Syndrome. But the Civil War provided a nice cover… instead of hot young teenagers, I snacked on Confederate Soldiers, and instead of mountain lions, I blamed it on… well, mountain lions, actually. Wow, I really should have thought about that more.

Stefan Salvatore: Man gangreen is tasty!

The Only Woman Within a Hundred Miles: Oh my, I do so hope no one accosts me, what with my innocence and helplessness! Tee hee!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire pouncing powers activate!

Lexi: Really? Really? Okay then. So, I hear that this is the place for vampires to hang out…

Stefan Salvatore: Wow did you ever hear wrong. Anyway, wanna stay at my place?

Lexi: Sure! But can we clean out the pile of bodies first? This… isn’t really how it’s supposed to be done.

Elena Gilbert: So… Lexi house trained you?

Andie Star: So what’s up with you and Alaric?

Aunt Jenna: Well, he’s totally hot, and he’s willing to date someone that doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time, but I always feel like he’s hiding something from me…

Andie Star: His porn collection?

Aunt Jenna: No! Though I do wonder why he has every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD…

Alaric Saltzman: So, about this plan where you surprise and then overpower the ancient vampire who has, on several occasions, defeated enemies that were too strong and/or numerous for you to deal with, and has demonstrated the ability to kick the living crap out of you… This just might be one of your bad ideas.

Damon Salvatore: Please! I’m too pretty to have bad ideas! Just… poorly executed awesome ones!

Alaric Saltzman: And what about Jenna? I don’t like you putting her in danger.

Damon Salvatore: She’s not going to be in danger! This is just a fact finding mission!

Alaric Saltzman: Well that’s a relief…

Damon Salvatore: For example, I want to find the facts on what happens when I shove a magic dagger through Elijah’s chest.

Andie Star: Ooh! I want to help! Let me help!

Damon Salvatore: You could convince the men to come in here, while the women hide a safe distance away in the kitchen…

Andie Star: You’re sexist!

Damon Salvatore: Why yes, I am sexy! Thanks for noticing!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi everybody!

Damon Salvatore: Goodbye assface!

Alaric Saltzman: No we’re not planning on murdering Elijah tonight why would you ask that that’s crazy! Tee hee!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jeremy! I brought my magic supplies!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I bought three hundred candles and a box of condoms!

Bonnie Bennet: …I need to run our burgeoning sexual relationship past your cousin/sister first, okay?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elijah!

Elijah: Hi Damon! Before I come in, I just wanted to let you know that if you so much as look at me with crazy eyes, I’ll murder everyone in this house.

Damon Salvatore: Okay then!

Aunt Jenna: So Damon… Elijah tells me that you’re not really from a Founding Family.

Elijah: It’s true. Mystic Falls was totally founded by witches. And then there was all that mass anti-witch hysteria. Burned them all at the stake. They say you could hear the screams for miles around. Man I miss the good old days.

Uncle John Gilbert: Sounds like a ghost story.

Damon Salvatore: No, I dealt with that in Season One. So Elijah, why are you looking for old witch camps?

Elijah: Oh, you know, just plain old curiosity, in no way related to any mystical artifact that may or may not allow me to kill Klaus and/or achieve complete omnipotence.

Stefan Salvatore: So, learn anything else from the diaries?

Elena Gilbert: Yeah… The Original John Gilbert was bat shit crazy. Guess that’s what happens when you spend your life obsessing over a vampire.

Bells Swan: Does not! Crazy eyes.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, and here’s a drawing of a Magic Dagger of Vampire Slaying, and a note about a Magic Tree of Making The Magic Dagger Work…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, The Current John Gilbert totally gave Damon that knife last night!

Elena Gilbert: …and another note about how the dagger will also kill any vampire that tries to use it.

Stefan Salvatore: I… have to go make a phone call.

Andie Star: The men should go into Damon’s Murder Room! Tee hee!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, let me help you with those dishes…

Aunt Jenna: Hey, let me never have sexy time with you ever again.

Alaric Saltzman: ?!?

Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, that must be my fault. I slipped and told her you murdered your wife or something.

Alaric Saltzman: Douce. Bag.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hey Alaric… wacky story…

Damon Salvatore: So… you need a moon rock, and a witch, and a vampire, and a werewolf, and an Elena, and you need to find a Magical Wiccan Burial Ground? God this spell is complicated.

Elijah: Yeah, well, we need enough MacGuffins to get us all the way to twenty-two episodes. So, do you know where it is?

Damon Salvatore: Maaaaaybe… and maybe I’ll tell you, if you tell me why it’s so important.

Elijah: Please. Mystic Falls has like five sets. I can find it by myself.

Damon Salvatore: All right then, I guess it’s time to-

Alaric Saltzman: -Have dessert! Totally time to have dessert!

Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Dude! WTF?

Alaric Saltzman (on a piece of paper): The dagger will kill you if you use it!

Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Goddammit!

Damon Salvatore: So you know Elena hates her Uncle Daddy Stubby Fingers, right? So there’s no reason to keep him safe…

Uncle John Gilbert: Anyway, I was wondering how you plan to kill Klaus…

Elijah: Yeah, so this thing? Where you act like we’re buddies or partners or something? So not happening.

Andie Star: I was wondering if you could answer some questions about your research project…

Alaric Saltzman: And I was wondering if you’d like some Super Alaric stabbing Elijah in the goddamn heart with the goddamn magic dagger covered with goddamn magic tree bark and killing him goddamn dead because I am in this. Goddamn. Episode. Powers activate!

Elijah: x_x

Everyone Else: 0_0

Aunt Jenna: Who wants cake?

The Fiancee: You really should burn that body…

Elena Gilbert: You can’t keep going behind my back and trying to save my life! Why, if you every do anything like that ever again, I’ll…

Stefan Salvatore: Um, babe? You already played the suicide card. It’s gonna be pretty hard to top that.

Lexi: Look at all those dead and dying men! What does that make you feel?

Stefan Salvatore: Hungry?

Lexi: No! It should make you feel sad!

Stefan Salvatore: That sounds… boring.

Lexi: No! Because when you can feel sad, you can also feel happy, and when you can feel happy, you can also feel love!

Stefan Salvatore: …Are we gonna bone now?

Stefan Salvatore: So you see, Lexi taught me to love again! But not in that way!

Elena Gilbert: And what does that have to do with the ancient vampire who’s coming to break the Lame Ass Curse and will murder everyone I love if it doesn’t happen?

Stefan Salvatore: …Puppies!

Alaric Saltzman: You said no violence!

Damon Salvatore: Um, as I recall, all of the stabbing done tonight was done by you.

Alaric Saltzman: No more lying to me!

Damon Salvatore: Should I be playing sad breakup music now?

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, babe. Alaric murdered the guy you wanted to murder you.

Elena Gilbert: So. Lame. Anyway, I’ve been reading this journal, and it says that the original vampires believed in truth and honor, and forbade any vampire from killing another, so when they went to the tremendous effort of creating a Magic Dagger of Doing That Thing We Just Forbade You From Doing, they cursed it to also kill the vampire that used it.

Stefan Salvatore: That seems… circuitous.

Elena Gilbert: But at least Elijah will stay dead. Unless they go and pull the dagger out or something stupid like that.

Stefan Salvatore: I… have to go make another phone call.

Damon Salvatore: …shit.

The Fiancee: Told you so.

Elijah: Hi Jonas! You remember that Magic Spell of Elena Tracking? I need you to fire it up again.

Bonnie Bennet: I can channel the elements with my brain! And by my brain, I mean my body!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey baby, wanna channel me?

Lame Come On: Is lame.

Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan door opening power activate! Super Wiccan Jeremy throwing powers activate! Supper Wiccan interrogating Bonnie powers activate!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Jonas! Sorry about your daughter! I wanna help you get her back!

Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan mumbling in a vaguely Latin language power activate! Super Wiccan door slamming power activate! Super Wiccan being a total badass powers activate!

Jeremy Gilbert: WTF?!?

Bonnie Bennet: He stole my powers!

The Lollipop Guild: Ding dong the witch is dead!

Thomas: <3 Jonas.

Elijah: Super Original throwing a fistful of stones through the door like they were rocket propelled grenades activate!

Elena Gilbert: It’s all right, Stefan! He can’t come in the house!

Elijah: No, but I can burn the cabin down while you’re still in it.

The Writers: Whisper whisper.

Elijah: Really? It says that? Flips through the script. Okay, yeah, I guess it does. So, what I meant to say was that I can stand out here for a really long time, until you get bored or something.

Elena Gilbert: So, about that wacky misunderstanding at the castle…

Elijah: So, about me calling the deal off and murdering pretty much the entire town…

Elena Gilbert: So, about me stabbing myself in the gut, and Stefan feeding me his blood to save me, and then me stabbing myself in the gut again so that I become a vampire and Klaus murders you for letting the Petrova Doppelganger get away again…

Elijah: Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, honey.

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena stabbing myself in the gut powers activate!

Elijah: Well that went differently in my head.

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena stabbing Elijah in the heart with the Magic Dagger of Vampire Slaying powers activate!

Elijah: As did that. Dies. Again.

Damon Salvatore: Awesome plan is awesome! Self high five!

Alaric Saltzman: So where did everyone go?

Aunt Jenna: So what happened to Isobel?

Alaric Saltzman: Uncle John Gilbert is just trying to stir up trouble!

Aunt Jenna: That’s not an answer, that’s a deflection! I watch Lie to Me! I know this stuff! Storms off.

Uncle John Gilbert: Well that was awkward. Of course, if I had a Magic Ring of Not Dying, I might be persuaded to clear things up for you.

Alaric Saltzman: Fine, take your stupid ring. After what you did to Damon, you’re going to need it…

Team Damon: Rubs their hands eagerly.

Elena Gilbert: I want to live! But we have to do this my way! No more lies!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, you really got through to her. Did you mind-whammy her?

Stefan Salvatore: No, I told her about how Lexi brought me out of my deep, dark depression.

Damon Salvatore: Oh right, Lexi! Whatever happened to her?

Stefan Salvatore: …

Damon Salvatore: Well, this conversation is suddenly awkward, and I would like to not be having it anymore.

Lexi: So Damon… this hatred you feel toward your brother is going to get the best of you some day.

Damon Salvatore: Actually, I think this hatred I feel toward my brother is going to get the best of you some day.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: You’re naked!

Katherine Pierce: I tricked you! When Elijah died, the mind-whammy wore off, and now I’m free!

Damon Salvatore: You’re naked!

Katherine Pierce: So let’s start working on our plan to kill Klaus!

Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: She’s naked!

The Plot: Thickens.