TM
The Vampire Diaries – S02E16 – The House Guest
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
The Producers: Well, guys, it’s a sad day. The Martins’ contracts are up.
The Writers: You know, you could write contracts for more than five episodes. I mean, I’ve heard that other shows keep recurring characters for entire seasons, even years…
The Producers: Anyway, we want to send them off with a bang. And you know what that means…
The Writers: ?
The Producers: BAMF powers activate!
Elena Gilbert and/or Katherine Pierce: Hey Stefan! We should go to school! You know, that thing we keep forgetting about!
Thomas: Really. She really said that.
Stefan Salvatore: Well, that’s one option. The other option is: sexy time!
Elena Gilbert and/or Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire throat crushing powers activate!
Elena Gilbert and/or Katherine Pierce: Urk!
Stefan Salvatore: WTF?!?
Elena Gilbert and/or Katherine Pierce: Hi Stefan!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire throat crushing powers activate!
Elena Gilbert and/or Katherine Pierce: Urk!
Katherine Pierce: Haha! I tricked you into committing domestic abuse! I’m funny!
Thomas: Needs an Asprin.
Katherine Pierce: Isn’t it cool how easily I can pass for Elena? </foreshadowing>
Elena Gilbert: So, you know that whole vampire slaying thing I did last episode? It’s really growing on me, and I think we should try it again.
Katherine Pierce: Please! You need me! Like, do you even know what Klaus looks like, or when he’s coming, or what his plan is?
Damon Salvatore: Do you?
Katherine Pierce: …I’m going to go eat one of Elena’s family members now.
Elena Gilbert: Really, I’ve got a bunch of stakes in my school bag. If you could just hold her down…
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! How’s Tyler?
Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! Thanks for bringing up your quite probable affair!
Caroline Forbes: I have secrets!
Matt Donovan: I look constipated!
Elena Gilbert: Can we stake Katherine now?
Stefan Salvatore: Look, I hate her as much as you do-
Elena Gilbert: So we can stake her now?
Stefan Salvatore: But she stayed in Mystic Falls for a reason-
Elena Gilbert: So we could stake her?
Stefan Salvatore: And she has information about Klaus-
Elena Gilbert: Which we could torture out of her. Before we stake her.
Stefan Salvatore: And the fans would revolt if we killed off one of the most interesting characters on the show.
Elena Gilbert: Pout.
Stefan Salvatore: But I can spend the night at your place!
Elena Gilbert: Oh, sorry babe, but we’ve got another lesbian fantasy planned tonight.
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon I have a flamethrower powers activate!
Elijah: Super Original I’m still a BAMF even when I’m kinda dead powers activate!
Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon! Elijah’s invulnerable!
Damon Salvatore: That makes me sad. You know what would cheer me up? Barbecuing you.
Katherine Pierce: Riiiiight, like you’d incinerate the one person with inside information on Klaus’ plan.
Damon Salvatore: Yes, because I am known for my careful planning and impulse control.
Katherine Pierce: I’m… going to go over here now.
Stefan Salvatore: We need a witch!
Jeremy Gilbert: And you lost your powers!
Stefan Salvatore: Do you think you could make peace with the Martins?
Bonnie Bennet: But they hate us! They’ll probably try to kill me!
Stefan Salvatore: Innocent whistle.
Alaric Saltzman: And then Uncle John Gilbert was all like Cock Block! and Aunt Jenna was all like So what’s up with Isobel! and I was like Duuuurrrr I have pretty hair! and she was all like Talk to the hand! and I was all like No one’s used that phrase in the last decade! and Uncle John Gilbert was all Gimme back my ring! and I was all like Fine! and now he’s like Immortal! but Jenna’s still Angry! and that makes me Sad! because I’m not getting any Sex!
Elena Gilbert: …do you usually discuss your sex life with your students?
Stefan Salvatore: Hi warlocks! We murdered the only guy who could help get your daughter back!
Jonas Martin: Well that was a fun conversation. Who wants to magic up some aneurisms?
Katherine Pierce: I can haz Gilbert Journals of Arcane Lore?
Damon Salvatore: You can haz body slam!
Stefan Salvatore: Guys! I learned about another Plot Device!
Jonas Martin: I’m going to bring Elijah back to life! He’s the only chance we have of saving that girl whose name Thomas can’t remember, and can’t be bothered to look up!
Luka Martin: But the Salvatores are main characters! Their plan is guaranteed to work!
Jonas Martin: Nonsense! Now go find my Big Book of Magic Spells That Will Probably Get You Killed!
Luka Martin: 🙁
Aunt Jenna: Hi girls! is this party some kind of subtle attempt to cheer me up?
Elena Gilbert: Nope! Our lives suck, too!
Aunt Jenna: Okay then! Anyway, Alaric is all secretive and shadowy and that makes me sad because he’s really good in bed but I only want him to be good in bed with me and not whoever he may or may not be sneaking around with and also I really hope he doesn’t murder me the way Uncle John Gilbert implied he may or may not have murdered Isobel!
Caroline Forbes: Well maybe he has a good reason for keeping secrets like maybe he knows some occult secret about eldritch monsters and if he told you you’d go insane or at least think he was insane and maybe think you’re a monster even though you totally only ate a couple of people and it was mostly an accident except for those Sheriff’s deputies but they totally had it coming because they were being mean to Damon and Stefan and it’s not like I ate anyone that had a name and I should probably stop talking now tee hee!
Aunt Jenna: …
Caroline Forbes: We should go dancing!
Jonas Martin: Okay, the spell’s all prepped! Sorry that I have to astral-project your ass into danger, but I’m too pretty to die!
Luka Martin: That’s okay! The fans love us! I’m pretty sure they’re going to put an extension on our contract!
Jonas Martin: …yes. An extension. That is what they are going to do. Anyway, let’s cast some spells!
Jonas and Luka Martin: Super warlock arm wrestling powers activate!
The Fiancee: Why does all magic sound vaguely Latin?
Thomas: Because it would really suck to have your house explode every time you said the word “fire.”
Katherine Pierce: Hey, this Gilbert Diary says that Emily Bennet was murdered in the same place as her ancestors!
Damon Salvatore: Hey, this journal says that Katherine Pierce is an annoying bitch!
Katherine Pierce: Grumpy face.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Did you find out anything about the Magic Acre of Mystic Massacre?
Damon Salvatore: Nope!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Yes!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s too bad!
Stefan Salvatore’s Haircut: That’s awesome and I love that we have a secret code it’s like we can talk without really talking and Katherine will never know that anything is up we’re so smart and clever!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Go away now.
Stefan Salvatore’s Haircut: Okay!
Luka Martin: My, I wonder if perhaps I should wait until I am alone to yank this Magic Dagger of Vampire Slaying out of Elijah’s chest? ….Nah.
Katherine Pierce: Super vampire keeping the Magic Dagger in Elijah’s chest powers activate!
Luka Martin: Elena’s stronger than me!
Jonas Martin: …Sissy.
Luka Martin: Super warlock staking Katherine through the heart stomach powers activate!
Thomas: Someone didn’t take basic biology.
Damon Salvatore: Huh, that’s weird. I don’t remember that dagger trying to pull itself out of Elijah’s chest. Ah, well… Super Damon I still have a flamethrower powers activate!
Luka Martin: Hey, did you know that when someone lights your astral form on fire, you go up like a gasoline soaked fireworks store?
Jonas Martin: D-:
Stefan Salvatore: Um, Damon? Why are you trying to light our house on fire again?
Damon Salvatore: Some kinda crazy ass psychic witch attack.
Thomas: <3 Damon.
Jonas Martin: Super warlock not being strong enough to bring my son back from the dead powers activate!
Luka Martin: X_X
Thomas: I think Damon just got a telefrag.
Everyone in Mystic Falls: Comes out to listen to the Lame Ass Band of Lame Ass Music.
The Fiancee: Are that many people in Mystic Falls still alive?
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jenna!
Aunt Jenna: Goodbye Alaric! Hello tequila!
Caroline Forbes: Hi everybody! I’m going to interrupt the lame ass band to profess my love for Matt.
The Lame Ass Lead Singer: Um, can you get off the stage?
Caroline Forbes: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>
The Lame Ass Lead Singer: Let’s make some music!
Caroline Forbes: Super vampire lip synching actually singing powers activate!
Matt Donovan: <3
Jonas Martin: Super warlock angry breathing powers activate! Super warlock tracking down Elena and murdering her dead powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire… getting knocked out with a magic aneurism powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Hey, do you remember how you tried to kill me with the Magic Dagger of Vampire Murder/Suicide? Gutstab!
Katherine Pierce: I only did it because I love Stefan more!
Damon Salvatore: …So not helping your cause.
Elena Gilbert: I need to pee!
Matt Donovan: This stall is occupied!
Caroline Forbes: I can’t talk with his tongue in my mouth!
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena I love you Elena and I was wondering if I can date your brother Elena!
Elena Gilbert: My brother is kind of a douche, and I think you’re complete lack of personality or redeeming characteristics is perfect for him.
The Writers: Whisper whisper.
Elena Gilbert: Wait, really? Okay. What I meant to say is that my brother has been hurt too often, and you’re such a wonderful person that I think you’re perfect for him.
Jonas Martin: Grr! Me am angry warlock! Angry warlock smash stupid bar grill.
Bonnie Bennet: No Doctor Martin! You can-
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan smashing all the beer mugs powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: But we can-
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan lighting the bar of fire powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: You don’t have to-
The Fiancee: What is she going to do? She has no powers.
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan knocking Bonnie the eff out powers activate!
The Fiancee: Oh, that what she’s going to do.
Jonas Martin: Hi Elena! I’m going to kidnap you!
Caroline Forbes: Super vampire Wiccan tackling powers activate!
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan magic anuerism powers activate!
Matt Donovan: Caroline! I’ll save-
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan stabbing Matt in the throat powers activate!
The Fiancee: Make him a vampire! Make him a vampire! Yay yay yay!
Caroline Forbes: Super vampire scary face healing blood powers activate!
Matt Donovan: I really hope this is a hallucination.
Bonnie Bennet: I feel bad about Luca!
Jeremy Gilbert: What about what he did to us? I mean, he tricked you into mind raping him! With his slutty skirt and that trashy blouse…
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I’m home!
Jonas Martin: Hi Elena! You’re dead!
Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: Hi Jonas! You’re dinner! Fangs!
Bonnie Bennet: But now how will I get my powers back?
Jonas Martin: Super Wiccan coming back from the dead for one last scare powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire snapping his neck powers activate!
The Fiancee: Cut off his head. Just cut off his head. Cut off everyone’s head.
Elena Gilbert: So how did you talk Katherine into doing this?
Damon Salvatore: Oh, she offered. Said something about having a change of heart, and being sorry about all of the bad things she’s done to us, and having completely altruistic motives this time around.
Elena Gilbert: …
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: I hate you, Katherine!
Katherine Pierce: I hate you too, Elena!
Damon Salvatore: You two should totally have angry magic twin makeup sex.
Alaric Saltzman: I love you Jenna and I’m sorry about all of the secrets but I want you to know that Isobel is dead, totally dead, not alive in any way and also really, really dead. Dead. </foreshadowing>
Aunt Jenna: Yeah, so… goodnight.
Jeremy Gilbert: So what did Jonas do when he went all face hugger on you?
Bonnie Bennet: It’s terrible, Jeremy! He hates us so much, and he knew that this was his last chance at revenge, so he did the one thing that he knew would bring pain and suffering to everyone I know!
Jeremy Gilbert: You mean…?
Bonnie Bennet: Yes! I’m a witch! Again!
Damon Salvatore: You know, it’s funny how The Original John Gilbert killed Emily Bennet, even though there was no way he could have known she was a witch.
Katherine Pierce: Oh, I told him. Loose ends and all. Can’t have too many witches running around! And oh my, it does appear that my clothes have fallen off!
Damon Salvatore: Katherine, when you’re all sultry and evil like this, it makes me want to…
Katherine Pierce: Hungry eyes…
Damon Salvatore: Vomit, and throw you out of my room. I’ll call you when I need someone dead. Tootles!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I’m a vampire!
Matt Donovan: A vampire? Like the vampires that my crazy sister was babbling about before she ran away and got killed?
Caroline Forbes: Yep!
Matt Donovan: Oh, okay. Also: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Deep breath. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Caroline Forbes: That went differently in my head.
The Doorbell: Ding dong!
Aunt Jenna: Who’s there?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi, it’s me, Alaric’s “dead” wife and Elena’s “dead” mother!
Aunt Jenna: 😮
The Plot: Thickens.
