The Vampire Diaries – S02E17 – Know Thy Enemy

The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.

The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?

The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?

Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?

Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?

The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…

Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!

The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.

Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.

The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…

Katerina Graham: Wibble.

The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.

The Writers: Actually…

The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…