TM
The Vampire Diaries – S02E20 – The Last Day
The Producers: Last week was fantastic! People loved Elijah, and the Great Retcon of Lame Ass Curssitude went was a huge hit!
The Writers: Pat themselves on the back.
The Producers: There’s only a couple of things we want to tweak this week…
The Writers: You want us to get Elijah naked?
The Producers: No… well… but first, we want Elena to actually be the strong, smart girl that everyone’s been saying she is for the last few months.
The Writers: Got it… Elena needs to stop eating paint chips. And?
The Producers: Well, let’s make Stefan kind of a badass in this one.
The Writers: …now you’re just effing with people, aren’t you?
The Producers: Kinda.
Damon Salvatore: Broods nakedly.
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Are already squee-ing.
Stefan Salvatore: Wait wait wait… some people might have missed last week’s episode. Can you recap?
Elijah: Sure! The Lame Ass Curse was really just an epic troll, Klaus is a werepire, and I’m a total badass.
Damon Salvatore: And we all decided to let Bonnie kill herself in order to kill Klaus.
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, I don’t remember that decision…
Elena Gilbert: We can’t let Bonnie die, because then she’d be dead!
Damon Salvatore: I’ll write her a great eulogy!
Elijah: Anyway, in order to achieve complete power, Klaus needs a witch to channel the power of the moon through the Rock, sacrifice a Vampire and a Werewolf, and then drink the blood of someone played by Nina Dobrev until she dies.
Stefan Salvatore: Acts like this is new information.
Damon Salvatore: Acts like he’s going to go on a murder spree.
Elijah: But! I have a bottle of Coming Back to Life Juice! I got it off a chick in Bulgaria a few hundred years ago.
Damon Salvatore: So your plan hinges on that stuff 1. working and 2. not having an expiration date? How about we just give her one of the Magic Rings of Not Dying?
The Fiancee: Or both. You could totally give her both. This isn’t an either/or choice.
Elijah: Sorry, but those are actually Magic Rings of Not Dying Except When It Would Heighten the Tension, and Elena’s death would definitely heighten the tension.
Magic Rings of Not Dying: Are officially the lamest things in the world.
Damon Salvatore: So what if the Coming Back to Life Juice and the Magic Ring fail?
Elena Gilbert: Then I’ll be dead! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: …I am the only sane person in this room. And even I find that terrifying. Whiskey.
Maddox (via Carol Lockwood (via the phone)): Tyler! Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!
Carol Lockwood: But… I didn’t fall.
Maddox: Super Wiccan Rag Doll Physics Module Activate!
Thomas: Eagerly awaits for this to be turned into a GIF.
Damon Salvatore: So you realize that this is the shittiest plan in an entire season of shit plans, right? Like, the entire thing depends on a dusty bottle of Special Sauce from a vampire that we’ve murdered twice.
Stefan Salvatore: I have to trust Elena, Damon! Because she trusted me!
Damon Salvatore: So you’re basing your trust in her on the fact that she’s shown bad judgement in the past?
Stefan Salvatore: She trusted you, too!
Damon Salvatore: See! That’s what I mean! Whiskey.
Elijah: So, you’re sure you’re on board with this? I mean, we don’t even know that the Coming Back to Life Juice will work. Hell, I’m not even sure the chick who sold it to me was a real witch. I mean, she was white.
Elena Gilbert: No, it’s cool. Without me, Klaus can’t break the curse, but with me, a vampire has to die, and a werewolf has to die, and then I’ll probably die, and maybe Bonnie will die, and… wait, I was going to make a point here…
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jenna! I-
Aunt Jenna: Crossbow.
Alaric Saltzman: -just wanted to say that I’m-
Aunt Jenna: Cross. Bow.
Alaric Saltzman: -not possessed by Klaus anymore.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, prove you’re really Alaric.
Alaric Saltzman: Okay… the first night I stayed over, Jeremy walked in and-
Aunt Jenna: Okay! It’s him.
The Fiancee: Oh, go ahead and let him finish. Elena probably knows already, anyway.
Alaric Saltzman: Also, he says the sacrifice happens tonight.
Damon Salvatore: Well thanks for telling us what we already knew. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Whiskey.
Tyler Lockwood: Hi mom! I got your cryptic, forced-sounding message! What’s up?
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt!
Matt Donovan: Sweet holy hell!
Caroline Forbes: Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you!
Matt Donovan: Oh, it’s not you, babe. It’s your fangs.
Caroline Forbes: Wait, what?
Matt Donovan: Nothing!
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Good job, Matt! She totally doesn’t expect that you think she’s a blood-sucking demon from hell!
Matt Donovan: Yeah, so about that… she still seems kinda… Caroline-like, doesn’t she?
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: This is just hard for you because it’s so new… but I was raised with this stuff! And I know that Muslims vampires are evil, not matter how good they pretend to be!
Matt Donovan: …I have to go perform menial labor for minimum wage now.
Alaric Saltzman: So… anyone want to fill me in on what I did while Klaus was inside me?
Everyone: …
Alaric Saltzman: …anyone want to tell me what I did while Klaus was possessing me?
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon!
The Fiancee: You know, this is your last chance to get naked with him before you die…
Elena Gilbert: I just wanted to make sure you were all right with the plan.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, you mean the plan where we trust the ancient vampire that wants to kill us all, and the bottle of cough syrup with “Extra Life” written on it in magic marker, and the teenage witch that can float feathers with her brain? That plan?
Elena Gilbert: Yep!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Are about to do something stupid…
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon giving Elena my blood so that the dumb bitch really comes back from the dead even if the Coming Back to Life Juice and Magic Ring of Not Dying fail powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! I only like it when Stefan shoves things down my throat!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire throwing my brother across the room powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Oh admit it, you just wish you had the balls to do it yourself.
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire bashing my brother in the face powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire running my brother through with a coat tree powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: So… nothing’s changed while I was away? Okay then.
Elijah: Really? You gave her vampire blood? All right then, I’ll just pack up and go home.
Damon Salvatore: Whiskey!
Elijah: And just so we’re clear, even I know you’re never going to hit that now.
Damon Salvatore: More whiskey!
Aunt Jenna: So, I never told you that I’m glad you’re alive, did I?
Alaric Saltzman: Don’t worry, no one else seems to care, either.
Stefan Salvatore: I think we should go away!
Elena Gilbert: To Mexico? Tahiti? Bangalore?
Stefan Salvatore: …no, the woods behind the castle.
Elena Gilbert: Oh, that’s cool, too, I guess.
Jules: Hi Tyler! You’re an idiot!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I’m conflicted!
Maddox: Hi guys! You’re in severe pain!
Gretta the Teenage Witch: And anti-supernatural-pot-ed!
Caroline Forbes: God damit, not this again. Pout.
Damon Salvatore: So, on a scale of one to George W. Bush, how bad did I screw up?
Alaric Saltzman: You remember when I didn’t tell my girlfriend that my dead wife was still sorta alive? This is worse.
Klaus: Hi guys! Just dropped by to warn you not to do anything stupid!
Damon Salvatore: That would have been fantastic advice like… fifteen minutes ago.
Klaus: Anyway, the ritual is tonight, and if you want to live, don’t do anything to screw it up.
Alaric Saltzman: …You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?
Damon Salvatore: Probably. Whiskey.
Stefan Salvatore: So, ready to talk about your imminent vampirizaton?
Elena Gilbert: I think my emotions can best be summed up with 0_0, with a side of WTF and a dash of OMG.
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that’s understandable. Anyway, let’s get a move on! This mountain isn’t gonna climb itself!
Elena Gilbert: …Can’t you just Super Vampire Jumpey Powers Activate! ?
Stefan Salvatore: No way, babe! It’s your last day as a human, and you should spend it tired, sweaty, and uncomfortable!
Katherine Pierce: Really? He put empty blood bags back in the fridge? Dick move.
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Katherine! I’m here to invite Damon into my apartment!
Damon Salvatore: And I’m here to find out who I have to kill to stop Klaus’ ritual!
Katherine Pierce: Hey, you know how I was telling you that it would be a really good idea to stop Klaus from breaking the curse for a second time? No? Oh, that’s right, because I’m not a goddamn idiot.
Damon Salvatore: Okay… I guess well just have to let Elena become a vampire, then.
Katherine Pierce: 0_0
Damon Salvatore: Gee… that means you’ll be competing with her… forever.
Katherine Pierce: I hate you so much right now.
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! So… any idea why those witches kidnapped us?
Tyler Lockwood: Shit.
Elena Gilbert: Boy, it sure is a good thing Bonnie can make me a Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight!
Stefan Salvatore: No kidding! Filming at night costs a fortune.
Elena Gilbert: …Anyway, what’s the best part about being a vampire?
Stefan Salvatore: Definitely the sex with high school teenagers.
Elena Gilbert: …
Stefan Salvatore: Um, I mean… all the centuries you have to improve yourself, or some crap.
Katherine Pierce: Hi Klaus! Want some coffee?
Klaus: Have you been secretly plotting against me?
Katherine Pierce: Who, me? Never! Tee hee!
Klaus: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>
Katherine Pierce: Still no betrayal here!
Klaus: No go stand in the sunlight.
Katherine Pierce: …I really hate this place.
Maddox: Hi Damon! Are you here for the cute one, or the other cute one?
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire choke slamming the witch powers activate!
Maddox: Wow! I really thought that with your unbridled rage and immense physical strength, you would have just killed me outright.
Damon Salvatore: Well, normally I would have, but I wanted to give Matt something to do this episode.
Maddox: Wait, what?
Matt Donovan: Bang.
Maddox: Dies.
Matt Donovan: So, how about you tell me where Caroline is, and I don’t shoot you with these wooden bullets.
Damon Salvatore: How about I Super vampire bum rushing the civilian powers activate!
Tyler Lockwood: Wait, so the whole thing was a fake?
Caroline Forbes: Everything except the part where he’s going to cut our hearts out.
Tyler Lockwood: See, that’s the part I would have really liked to have been fake.
Caroline Forbes: I hear you. Anyway, what do you say we spin up Team Forwood a bit?
Tyler Lockwood: Sure!
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m going to go ahead and set you free. I really hope I don’t regret this later…
Stefan Salvatore: So, about this whole “vampire” thing…?
Elena Gilbert: Well, I’m upset that this wan’t my choice, and I’m upset that it takes away all kinds of choices from me. I’m seventeen years old, and I’m not mature enough to be making choices that will last the rest of my life, let alone for centuries.
Smart and Strong Elena: Is back.
Caroline Forbes: Wait, why is Matt unconscious?
Damon Salvatore: Innocent whistle.
Tyler Lockwood: Um, guys… anyone got a watch?
Klaus: Hi guys! I was afraid you’d run off or something, and that I was going to have to murder everyone you love!
Stefan Salvatore: Grr…
Elena Gilbert: It’s okay, Stefan… just close your eyes.
Thomas: You know, the last time a cute girl told a broody vampire to close his eyes, he ended up in a hell dimension. Just saying. </buffy>
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Don’t worry bro, I’ve got this under control!
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): That’s great, because Klaus already has Elena!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Are displeased.
The Moon: Hello, Tyler!
Tyler Lockwood: Fangs!
Damon Salvatore: Tackle!
Tyler Lockwood: Snarl!
Caroline Forbes: Hey look at the time got to be going now bye bye!
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! Sorry for the bad news, but I rescued the vampire, freed the werewolf, and killed your witch, so I guess you’re going to have to call of the curse breaking.
Klaus: I’ve heard about you! You’re the crazy, impulsive vampire…
Damon Salvatore: Yeah…
Klaus: Devilishly charming, yet slightly unhinged…
Damon Salvatore: Go on…
Klaus: A dashing rogue with a heart of tarnished gold…
Damon Salvatore: So far so good…
Klaus: Constantly getting cock-blocked by his kid brother.
Damon Salvatore: God. Damn. It.
Klaus: Anyway, despite your attempts to foil my clever plan, I actually have a backup werewolf. Wanna see? I have the pictures on my AT&T Motorola Atrix G. It’s a phone and a latptop in one!
The Fiancee: I am the world’s most powerful vampire! I deserve the world’s most powerful phone!
Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that Jules? I’m totally cool if Jules dies.
Klaus: And I have backup vampires, too.
Damon Salvatore: …
Klaus: …
Damon Salvatore: Oh. Oh. Oh. Shit.
Klaus: There we go.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! Who’s a good boy? Do you want your belly scratched? Do you want a treat?
Wolf Mode Tyler: Slavering fangs!
Caroline Forbes: I’ll take that as a “no”, then.
Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon! Sorry about getting her killed!
Damon Salvatore: …her?
Elena Gilbert: Hi Jenna! What are you doing here?
Gretta the Teenage Witch: …she… might be turning into a vampire. Just sayin’.
Thomas: OMFG!
Damon Salvatore: Wait, why didn’t Klaus just sacrifice me ?
Katherine Pierce: Probably because of that werewolf bite on your arm.
Damon Salvatore: Worst. Day. Ever.
Thomas: OMFG! Again!
Twitter: Explodes with cries of #DontDieDamon
The Producers: Rub their hands wickedly.
The Plot: Thickens.
Just a reminder everyone: if you’re going to post spoilers, please give us a lot of warning. Like:
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Or something. Because like Dayna said, I will cut a bitch and ban your IP address. Nothing’s been spoiled yet, but I’d like to make sure it stays that way.
