Vampire Diaries – S03E01 – The Birthday

The summer was long, and cruel.

The heat was merciless, unrelenting. The sun offered no respite, no mercy. The humidity clung to our skin like Louisiana swamp water. Stefan was gone. Damon was… dealing with it, in his own way. Elena was inconsolable.

Stefan was gone, but we weren’t left alone. No, there were still other vampires out there. Older, more powerful. More entertaining. But water vapor wasn’t the only thing in the air. Change lurked on the horizon, crouching, waiting to pounce.

They were the vampires we recognized. The fangs, the oddly modern hair, the questionable life choices. But something was different. Something was wrong.

The vampires we had known and loved had suffered a grievous attack. Almost as fatal as a stake to the heart, but not nearly as quick, nor as merciful. No, our vampires hadn’t suffered a puncture to the pericardium. Instead, their testicles had been removed.

Gone were the snappy one-liners and the rampaging Viking sex. In their place we found naught but sloppy grins and puppy dog eyes.

For three long months we watched, and we suffered. Our vampires’ pain was our own. Their misery, our sorrow.

Through some arcane rite, our vampires did regain their balls, but it may have been too late. Saddened, disenchanted, we left Bon Temps behind. “We’ll see you next season,” we said, but we weren’t sure if we were telling the truth.

The trip to Georgia was quicker than we expected. Barely a week had passed, and we found ourselves pulling up to a sign that read:

Welcome to Mystic Falls

Population 15,39850

Something stirred inside of us. Longing, but something else. Something more. Memories.

You see, there was this girl. An ordinary girl, by all accounts. Pretty, sure, but normal. Except she had a secret. A whole bunch of them, really.

First, she was dating a vampire. Stefan was his name. Everyone had heard tales of his viciousness and his brutality, but those days, it seemed, were long in the past. Now, he contented himself with Elena’s tasty arteries, sipping just enough to keep him going, and winning staring contests with pieces of wood.

Elena was also friends with Stefan’s vampire brother, Damon, despite the fact that he had murdered a large segment of her graduating class. Of course, this moved Elena several steps closer to Valedictorian, so perhaps her tolerance wasn’t entirely altruistic.

And while we’re on the subject of vampires, Caroline, Elena’s best friend? Vampire. And Elena’s brother Jeremy? Dated twovampires, both of whom are now haunting him in spooky visions. Elena’s Aunt and legal guardian Jenna? Also a vampire, but only for like five minutes. Then she died. Again.

There’s an asston of vampires, is what I’m saying.

But the most important vampire of all is Klaus, who is actually a Werepire, a vampire-werewolf hybrid. Elena was the latest in a long line of Doppelgangers, clones of a Bulgarian woman who was sacrificed to limit this all-powerful, nigh-invulnerable monster from ravaging the world.

In order to break the curse and set himself free, Klaus, the enigmatic villain with a scruffy beard and posh accent, would have to kill Elena. And her aunt. And her best friend’s totally-not-my boyfriend’s totally-not-his girlfriend, who was a werewolf.

The previous Doppelganger, a much more interesting girl named Katherine, had turned herself into a vampire in oder to escape this fate. Damon, who’s eyebrows are more powerful than a troupe of Shakespearian actors, wanted to give Elena the same chance. So he shoved his blood down her throat. Stefan wanted to let her, and the rest of Mystic Falls, die, in order to save Bonnie, the witch that was apparently his one truelove.

And then there was Elijah, the BAMF with the hair of a god and a two-fisted approach to ripping hearts that impressed even Damon. He said he had a solution. A magic Juicy Juice would prevent Elena from dying – or becoming a vampire – and Bonnie would allow her nose to bleed just enough to distract Klaus while Elijah himself destroyed his brother once and for all.

Then Klaus told Elijah he’d reunite him with his brothers if he spared his life, and Elijah, in an uncharacteristic incident of “believing anything anyone tells him,” bought it.

One magic dagger later, Elijah was dead – again – and Damon was suffering from a fatal case of wererabies.

In order to save his brother, Stefan made a deal with the devil: in exchange for his brother’s cure, Stefan agreed to travel the world with Klaus, and go back to his Ripper ways. We’ve followed the trail of bodies he’s left, and it led us here…

– Tennessee – Sorority House of Slaughter –

Klaus: Hello ladies! I can haz bloodbath?

The Cute Young Ladies: We’re thinking… no.

Klaus: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

The Cute Young Blonde: Okay!

The Cute Young Brunette: Run away!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi ladies!

The Cute Young Brunette: Facepalm.

Klaus: So, about this werewolf I’ve been hearing about…

The Cute Young Brunette: Werewolf what werewolf there’s no werewolf here and he’s definitely not in Tully and he’s certainly not in a bar called Southern Comfort off of Highway 41!

Klaus: Thanks ladies! Stefan? Rip.

Stefan Salvatore: :-/=

The Fiancee: I approve of Scruffy!Klaus.

– The Gilbert House of Barely Supervised Minors –

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! Time to go to work!

Jeremy Gilbert: Murble.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! Time to stop sleeping on my couch and committing suicide by gin bottle!

Alaric Saltzman: Bruble.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Time to stop planning a state-wide celebration for my eighteenth birthday!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Elena! I’m going to have werepire puppies!

Tyler Lockwood: 😀

Caroline Forbes (still on the phone): Oh, and my mom wanted me to tell you something about a pile of bodies they found in Tennessee. Something about a bobcat menace or something. Might want to check it out!

The Fiancee: I do not approve of Scruffy!Alaric.

– Castle Salvatore – Bathroom of Bad Feelings –

Damon Salvatore: Let’s start this season off right! And by “right,” I mean “naked!”

Team Damon: Squee!

Damon Salvatore: Hey babe? I seem to be out of champagne. Could you be a dear and fetch me some?

Andi Star: What? That’s silly! It’s not like I’ve been compelled to fulfill your every whim! We have a genuine emotional connection! Why, if I were to die at the end of this episode, I bet you would be devastated, and driven to wild acts of destruction, self and otherwise, to mask your pain!

Damon Salvatore: Oh fine! I’ll just get out of this soap-suddy tub and wander through my mansion naked, in search of booze and tail.

Team Damon: Squee!

The Producers: And we’ll strategically place these books so the FCC doesn’t fine us millions of dollars!

Team Damon: Pout.

The Fiancee: Stupid candles.

– Castle Salvatore – Den of Damon’s Dick –

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I have some news on a bobcat menace and-

Damon Salvatore’s Penis: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: … ebbeh… wibble… swoon.

Damon Salvatore: So, about those bobcats… let’s keep going with the whole “not running after an all-powerful werepire and his psycho Salvatore murder machine,” okay?

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

– Castle Salvatore – Bedroom Batcave –

Damon Salvatore: So it looks like Stefan’s in Tennessee…

Andi Star: Wait, that chick from Florida had family in Tennessee!

Damon Salvatore: To the Damonmobile!

Andi Star: Actually, I was going to get into my Prius and go to work. But I’ll Google this chick’s name if you want!

Damon Salvatore: …That’s good, too. I guess.

– Mystic Grill – Pantry of Product Placement –

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! I work at the grill now!

Bonnie Bennet (on the phone): Hi Jeremy! I’m in Chattanooga, at the Bennet Family Barbecue! I started the grill with my brain!

The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Hi Jeremy! We’re here to torment you!

Matt Donovan: Hi Jeremy! Tyler and Caroline are totally not dating! And they’re totally not dating in my section! Can you wait on them for me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sure!

Matt Donovan: And whatever Tyler orders, can you give him this can of Alpo?

– Mystic Grill – Deck of Defining the (Lack of) Relationship –

Caroline Forbes: Hey Tyler? Did you mom say anything about me? Cause she was staring at me like she knew that I was a vampire and was about to shoot me full of vervain.

Tyler Lockwood: No… but she does think we’re dating!

Caroline Forbes: Why would they think we’re dating we’re not dating we’re just spending every waking moment together and giving each other naked hugs that’s not dating that’s just friendly very friendly!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi guys!

Caroline Forbes: Did Matt ask you to switch sections?

Tyler Lockwood: And did he ask you to give me Alpo again?

– Southern Comfort – Bar of Bad Omens –

Ray Sutton: Enters to Dead Man Walking.

Subtle Foreshadowing: Is subtle.

Klaus: Hi Ray! I’m collecting werewolves, and somebody told me you might be the guy to talk to!

Ray Sutton: Aaaaaand I’m out of here.

Stefan Salvatore: Glowers menacingly.

Ray Sutton: Or I could stick around and have a friendly chat!

Klaus: So, let’s say someone wanted to create a race of Werepires…

Ray Sutton: Let’s say that that person would be batshit insane.

Stefan Salvatore: Bartender? Can I have a Scotch on the rocks? And a room to torture this guy in? Thanks.

– Tennessee – Sorority House of Slaughter –

Damon Salvatore: Yep, this is definitely Stefan’s work. This is his signature move.

Alaric Saltzman: Killing a couple of girls and then posing their bodies like they’re watching The Secret Circle, on the CW, Thursdays at 9pm?

Damon Salvatore: …No, killing a couple of girls, blacking out, waking up surrounded by body parts, feeling guilty, putting the body parts back together, and then posing them like they’re watching The Secret Circle, on the CW, Thursdays at 9pm.

The Cute Young Blonde’s Cute Blonde Head: Falls on the floor.

Damon Salvatore: They don’t call him “Ripper” for nothing.

– Castle Salvatore – Party Room of Poorly Kept Secrets –

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know why Damon is so against looking for Stefan!

Tyler Lockwood: Maybe because he wants to get into your pants?

Elena Gilbert: How do you know that?

Caroline Forbes: …

Tyler Lockwood: And I mean, you did kiss him.

Elena Gilbert: How do you know that?

Caroline Forbes: …

Elena Gilbert: Caroline….

Caroline Forbes: I’m sorry! But I needed to talk to somebody and Matt hates me and Tyler loves me and he has nice abs and he gives me naked hugs and it’s not my fault I can’t mind-whammy him when I’m done!

Elena Gilbert: …Okay then. Well, I just missed a call from Bonnie, so I’m just gonna let you two fight this out. Bye bye!

Caroline Forbes: Tyler! Just because I tell you things doesn’t mean you’re allowed to know them!

Tyler Lockwood: …Girls are dumb. Speaking of, I have to go take a shower and pick up Sofi.

Caroline Forbes: Wait, you’re bringing Slutty Sofi to the party?

Tyler Lockwood: Yep. I am horny all the time now, and she’s pretty much a sure thing. It’s a werewolf thing.

Caroline Forbes: I know what you mean. I’m always horny, too. It’s a vampire thing.

The Fiancee: It’s a teenager thing.

Tyler Lockwood: If only there was something we could do about that.

Caroline Forbes: Right?

Tyler Lockwood: Some way of easing our tension?

Caroline Forbes: Sounds good!

Tyler Lockwood: A mutually pleasurable way of releasing all of this sexual tension?

Caroline Forbes: Tell me about it!

Tyler Lockwood: This sexual tension that has been building up between the two of us. Who are best friends. And give each other naked hugs.

Caroline Forbes: That would be great!

Tyler Lockwood: …So yeah, I’m going to go pick up a slut for the party.

Caroline Forbes: Have fun fucking the extra!

– Tennessee – Sorority House of Slaughter –

Damon Salvatore: Okay, just let me finish burning all of the evidence, and then you can go back to drinking gin on your history student’s couch.

Alaric Saltzman: Sounds great! Except… what does this hidden basement filled with chains mean?

Damon Salvatore: These girls know how to party?

Alaric Saltzman: And this food bowl marked “Fido?”

Damon Salvatore: Ooooooh.

– Southern Comfort – Diabolical Dart Board –

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Klaus, wanna play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

Klaus: I’d rather play Pin the Wolfsbane Dart in the Werewolf’s Eyeball!

Ray Sutton: I’d rather play oh god oh god please just let me die.

The Cute Young Bartender: Hey Mr. Klaus? That Damon guy just burned down that house you left filled with dead bodies last night!

Klaus: Thanks baby! Well, I’ll just hop off and murder him…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey boss? You know how I’m only doing this because you saved my brothers life?

Klaus: Yeah?

Stefan Salvatore: …

Klaus: Oh. Right. Okay, you go tell him to piss off them. I’m going to see what happens when you give a werewolf a wolfsbane enema.

– Castle Salvatore – Stefan’s Room of Sorrow –

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Sorry about your missing, murdering brother! But! It’s your birthday, and I have a present for you!

Elena Gilbert: I thought I asked you not to buy me anything!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry! I didn’t!

Elena Gilbert: …You stole it?

The Fiancee: Stolen presents are the best.

Damon Salvatore: No! Alaric found it, and gave it to me to give to you because I have a way better shot at getting your panties off! It’s your anti-vampire necklace!

Elena Gilbert: Oh. Okay then.

– Castle Salvatore – Parlor of Partying –

Several Hundred Teenagers: Hey, does anyone know why we’re here?

Several Hundred Other Teenagers: No idea. They actually sent a bus to collect us.

Several Hundred Teenagers: Is it somebody’s birthday or something?

Several Hundred Other Teenagers: Who cares? The booze is free.

Elena Gilbert: …You have an odd definition of “small party,” Caroline.

– Castle Salvatore – 4:20

Matt Donovan: So Jeremy… I can’t help but notice you’ve put on twenty pounds of muscle and started smoking pot again! What’s the deal?

The Fiancee: Boys DO that. Half of my friends in college turned into men-shaped people over one summer.

Jeremy Gilbert: The Sheriff killed me and Bonnie brought me back to life and now I’m being haunted by your dead sister.

Matt Donovan: …wow, that’s some powerful shit. Maybe you should stick to booze for a while.

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I-

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

Elena Gilbert: …

Caroline Forbes: God, you do a little thing like break a guy’s heart and start dating his best friend, and he won’t even give you the time of day!

– Castle Salvatore – Terrace of Terrible Teachers –

Alaric Saltzman: I am every parent’s worst nightmare. I am the chaperone teacher from hell. Whisky.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Can I have some underage alcohol? Hi Alaric! My brother’s smoking pot! Can you talk to him? You’re his best role model!

Damon Salvatore: You’re screwed, bro.

– Television Station of Terror –

Andi Star: Hey boss! Yeah yeah yeah, I know I know I know, but I’m the last person here, and it’s dark and scary.

The Fiancee: Andi gonna get murdered.

The Floodlight of Doom: Illuminates.

Stefan Salvatore’s Silhouette: Is badass.

Andi Star: Hi Stefan how are you Stefan we’ve missed you Stefan and we’ve been looking everywhere for you Stefan and-

Stefan Salvatore: Slow, threatening fangs.

Andi Star: Oh, poop.

– Castle Salvatore – Dance Floor of Danger –

Tyler Lockwood and Slutty Sofi: Grind like an Anfim Super Caimano 2.0 Pro Flat Burr Espresso maker.

That Joke: Was reaching a bit.

Matt Donovan: So when did those two become a thing?

Caroline Forbes: So when did you start talking to me again?

Matt Donovan: When I saw the opportunity to rub something in your face.

Caroline Forbes: …Hey Sofi? Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Slutty Sofi: Hey I have to be going see you never Tyler also HEY EVERYBODY TYLER HAS A RASH!

Tyler Lockwood: Vampire cock blocks are the worst.

– Castle Salvatore – Terrace of Terrible Teachers –

Damon Salvatore: Well, Andi wants me to go pick her up. Gotta run!

Alaric Saltzman: Wait, your compelled fake girlfriend wants you to be a chivalrous boyfriend?

Damon Salvatore: It’s a complicated dynamic. Hold the fort down with I’m gone.

Alaric Saltzman: You mean the fort filled with my drunk history students?

Damon Salvatore: Drink more. It’ll feel less weird.

That: Is damn near verbatim.

That: Is also why I love this show.

– Castle Salvatore – Bedroom Batcave –

Caroline Forbes: This room’s off limits! And no, this isn’t a bag full of blood! Why would I be sucking on a bag full of blood? That’s crazy talk! Tee hee!

Elena Gilbert: Relax, it’s just me. You know where Damon is?

Caroline Forbes: Well he better be around here somewhere because it’s almost time to bring out the cake and then you can blow out the candles and make a wish and get on with your life!

Elena Gilbert: Is that what you all want? For me to just get on with my life?

Caroline Forbes: Honey, we watched you mope your way through most of last season. Yes, everybody wants you to get on with your life.

Elena Gilbert: Well I can’t get on with my life until OH HEY shiny closet filled with Damon’s Search For Stefan notes!

– Television Station of Terror –

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Damon, where are you?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): I’m… by the… punch bowl.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): I saw your closet!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Uh oh gotta go breaking up beer pong!

Thomas: Missed this show so hard.

Damon Salvatore: So, if I was my compelled fake girlfriend, where would I be?

Andi Star: On top of a thirty foot catwalk that ends in the middle of the air for no goddamn reason?

Damon Salvatore: …That’s not good.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! You need to stop following me!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, I’d love to, but there’s this birthday girl who-

Stefan Salvatore: Andi? Jump.

Andi Star: Goddammit. Splortch. Dies.

Damon Salvatore: Well, it was about time for a self-destructive bender anyway.

– Castle Salvatore – Driveway of Dude Love –

Matt Donovan: Heeeerrrrr me am gud driver me just need find truck. Where truck go? Here truck, here trucky trucky trucky.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey bro? I am waymore experienced at driving under the influence. Let me give you a ride home.

Vicki Donovan: Hi Jeremy! Help me help me I’m trapped in vampire ghost hell!

Jeremy Gilbert: OMG IT’S MATT’S DEAD SISTER VICKI!

Matt Donovan: Wait, what?

Jeremy Gilbert: I… think that girl gave me a hickey.

Anna: Hi Jeremy I am also trapped in vampire ghost hell!

Jeremy Gilbert: OMG IT’S THE GHOST OF THE GIRL I TRIED TO GET TO PITY FANG ME!

Matt Donovan: Wait, what?

Jeremy Gilbert: I… can’t think of anything that rhymes with that. So hopefully you’re way too stoned to remember any of this.

– Castle Salvatore – Parlor of Paramours –

Caroline Forbes: Straight-up chokeslams a guy out of her way.

Tyler Lockwood: So… I take it you’re pissed that I brought a date?

Caroline Forbes: What why would I be pissed that you brought a date so you’re dating that’s cool you’re a guy you have needs and it’s not like Icould fulfill those needs oh no of course not I’m just the (second) best character on this show why would you want to wink me hell I’m probably a horrible nudge.

Tyler Lockwood: …Um, so you do remember how I asked you out, and you told me no? “Everybody needs to just stop kissing me,” I believe were your words. So unless you make it crystal clear that-

Caroline Forbes: Smooch!

Tyler Lockwood: Message received. Sexytimes?

Caroline Forbes: Sexytimes.

The Fiancee: Vampuppies!

– Castle Salvatore – Damon’s Den of Despair –

Elena Gilbert: Damon! Why u no tell me u track Klaus’ victims?

Damon Salvatore: Um, yeah. About that. Klaus? Not so much the guy that’s been leaving body parts scattered all along the eastern seaboard.

Elena Gilbert: You mean…?

Damon Salvatore: Yeah. Stefan’s more interesting than I am right now. So I’m going to go do a line of coke. See you later!

– The Gilbert House – Breakfast Table of Bromance –

Matt Donovan: Hey bro! Thanks for the blunt! And walking me home! And buying me ice cream!

Jeremy Gilbert: No problem, man!

Matt Donovan: Also: why are you screaming out my sisters name at random intervals?

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, she’s kinda haunting me right now.

Matt Donovan: …Okay. So fuck that idea. I’m gonna go eat some brownies.

– Southern Comfort – Pool Table of Pain –

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! I murdered my brother’s girlfriend, so he’s definitely not going to come after us now!

Klaus: Great! Just let me give this wolf my blood and break his neck, and then we can go celebrate with a girl from Hooters!

– The Gilbert House of Goodbyes –

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! So I’ve been thinking… what with my alcoholism, and my enabling behavior, and the creepy way I picture Katherine naked every time I see you, I’ve been thinking it might be a good idea for me to not live here anymore.

Elena Gilbert: But I-

Alaric Saltzman: Relax! You’re eighteen now. That means you’re completely capable, emotionally and financially, of supporting yourself and your stoner brother!

– Castle Salvatore – Stefan’s Room of Smashing –

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, Stefan? Kill my compelled fake girlfriend will you? Well I’m gonna mess up your books! How do you like that, huh? That’s what I thought.

– Southern Comfort – Driveway of Despair –

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, this whole “murdering innocent people” thing is harder than I thought! I better call Elena!

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hello? Hello? I can hear you breathing? Wait… Stefan breathes! Stefan? Stefan Stefan Stefan! I love you Stefan! I love you I love you I love you!

Stefan Salvatore: Single tear.

– Lockwood Estates –

Caroline Forbes: Well that sure was fun, but I think it’s time to sneak out of here before anyone notices me!

Carol Lockwood: Hi Caroline! So, sexing up my werewolf son?

Caroline Forbes: No, I was just-

Caroline Forbes: Super unelected mayor shooting the vampire with a vervain dart gun powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Why does everybody hate me?

The Plot: Thickens.

– Post Mortem –

God, it’s good to have this show back. Especially compared to the other vampire entertainment we’ve had over the summer.

Let’s start with Jeremy and Matt’s budding bromance. This, and Jeremy’s ghost problem, are probably the plot line I care least about this season. And you know what? Even though it isn’t that important to me, it was never boring, and it never overstayed it’s welcome. That’s one of the things this show does so, so well. It’s consistently entertaining, and it knows that the main story should be the main story.

Caroline is still awesome and adorable, and seriously, if Damon wasn’t around, she’d be my favorite person in the world, hands-down. Tyler is… well, I still have trouble not picturing him just watching while a bunch of wereholes tortured her, but If she’s willing to forgive and forget, I guess I can get on board. And Tyler’ mom! Damn, talk about having trouble with your significant other’s family.

Damon was a bit mellow this episode, but thank the gods that he isn’t moping around, crying over Stefan and Elena and everything else. I’m so happy that he’s still busting out one-liners and going into self-destructive spirals when things don’t go his way. It’s also interesting that he’s been searching for Stefan behind Elena’s back. Is he doing this for Elena? For himself? I’m not sure.

But the real hero of this episode was Stefan. This version of Stefan is so much more interesting than the guy who was just dumbly agreeing to whatever Elena said last season. But the most interesting thing is that he hasn’t switched his emotions off. He knows what he’s doing, and he feels terrible about it, but he does it anyway, all to protect his brother. This gives us a Stefan who’s badass and sympathetic, which is something that really didn’t happen last season. Also: it makes Stefan a bad guy. He’s not an addict out of control, and he’s not being compelled. No, he’s making the conscious choice to rip beautiful young girls limb from limb and rearrange their bodies in the living room. He may have the best of reasons to do it, but it’s still murder.

And I love it.

If the writers can think of a storyline that does similar things for Bonnie, they will have fixed my last remaining issue with this show. Well done, guys. This little thing you threw together really is a mater’s class in scripting.