Vampire Diaries – S03E03 – The End of the Affair

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Hi Damon! What have I missed since last season?

Damon Salvatore: Well, Elena’s not dead, but her Aunt Jenna is, mostly because of Bonnie, so Alaric’s super pissed slash drunk all the time, and he keeps taking his pants off at me, Tyler’s a werewolf and banging Caroline, Elijah’s dead and Klaus is invulnerable, Stefan’s joined his team, and they’ve left a trail of sorority chicks’ body parts and failed werepire zombie corpses stretching from Florida to Tennessee.

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Sounds like fun! On a totally unrelated note, you should come visit me in Chicago!

Klaus: Hi Stefan! So how much do you remember about your time in Chicago?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, there was a lot of booze, a lot of blood, and then… a big dark haze.

Klaus: Funny story, that…

Some Random Girl: Hi Stefan! We should go make babies in your horseless carriage!

Stefan Salvatore: om nom nom nom flapper

Gloria: Hi everybody! I’m black!

The Fiancee: She’s a witch.

Rebecca: Hi Stefan! You have girlblood on your face! Let me lick that off for you!

Stefan Salvatore: …We should go make babies in my horseless carriage.

Stefan Salvatore: So, not that this trail of terror and blood hasn’t been fun and all, but why am I still here?

Klaus: Bro? This is the most interesting storyline you’ve had in the entire run of the show. If I were you, I’d be ridding this train for all it’s worth. Now let’s go see a black lady about my little problem.

Stefan Salvatore: …

Klaus: My werepire problem. Jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Would you like to accompany me on a suicidal quest!

Elena Gilbert: Boy would I!

Damon Salvatore: Great! Let me pack you a bag. How do you feel about spending the entire episode in nothing but red lace panties?

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! I look way better in purple.

Caroline Forbes: Daddy? What are you doing to me?

Bill Forbes: Let’s see… vervain gas delivery system, reinforced steel chair, bunch of pointy wooden things, you aren’t wearing your Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, and I have a giant steel shutter hooked up to a giant steel chain. What do you think I’m doing to you?

Caroline Forbes: …Making up for never throwing me a Sweet Sixteen party?

Bill Forbes: …No, I’m going to torture the gay vampire out of you.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, want to red Stefan’s old diary?

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! That would be wrong!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, allow me: Dear diary, blah blah blah, I murdered a bunch of people in a blood-drunk frenzy, yet I’m still eloquent enough to journal about it. Also, I had tons of sex. And no matter what my brother says, it was with women.

The Fiancee: Why is he reading while he’s driving? He hasn’t looked at the road in like five minutes.

Thomas: Because he’s awesome.

The Fiancee: Why is he awesome, but when I do something like that, you freak out like a little girl?

Thomas: Because he’s a vampire, and he’s on television, and he’s not going to kill me.

The Fiancee: …I don’t consider that a valid argument.

Stefan Salvatore: Whoo getting drunk on prohibited alcohols is awesome whoo!

Rebecca: You know what else is awesome? Shutting the hell up.

Stefan Salvatore: Dear Diary: today I met an amazing woman. She insulted me and teased me and blew me off in front of my friends. Mark my words: I will do sex to this woman.

Gloria: Hi Klaus! Heard you’re trying to make a bunch of werepires!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Gloria! You sure look good for an hundred and twenty year old!

Klaus: Hey Stefan! Go look at the picture of the two of us behind the bar while we talk about how we’re going to have to murder your girlfriend again!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Caroline! Missed you at lunch today! Hope you aren’t being tortured by your father or anything! Call me!

Caroline Forbes: God I hate getting tortured by my father.

Bill Forbes: I’m sorry baby, but I have to do this! See, if I torture you every time you show your fangs, you’ll learn to associate being gay a vampire with unspeakable pain! And then you won’t be a vampire anymore!

Caroline Forbes: Do I have to point out the irony in this situation!

Bill Forbes: Nope! I actually learned this from Pray the Gay Away Minitries, Inc! Now I love the vagina!

Elena Gilbert: So why did Stefan live in this craphole, when he could have mind-whammied his way into the best house in the city?

Damon Salvatore: There was an all-girls high school next door. They had to shut it down due to attendance problems.

Elena Gilbert: You mean…?

Damon Salvatore: That’s right! No one ever goes to school when there’s a Salvatore around!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, what are all of these names written on the wall of this secret room?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, those are just the names of all of the people he murdered. Anyway, you better stay here while I go looking for Stefan. I mean, there’s no way he would come back to his old apartment, right? You should be totally safe here!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, you really are the worst planner this episode!

Stefan Salvatore: So about that photo of the two of us together…

Klaus: Funny story, that…

Rebecca: om nom nom tasty flapper nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, nice necklace!

Rebecca: I know, isn’t it fab? You should totally give it to your teenage human girlfriend in a few decades!

Klaus: Hey sis! Who’s the guy with the funny hair?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, nice collection of dead Originals you have here! Are you going to pull the dagger out of anyone we know?

Klaus: I sure am!

Team Elijah: It’s about goddamn time!

Klaus: Hi Rebecca! Time to wake up!

Team Elijah: You son of a bitch.

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, she sure is… just laying there.

Klaus: Yeah, this is gonna take a while. Let’s pass the time with a story about how you taught me to be the murdering bastard that I am today!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Some Guy: I hate you Stefan Salvatore! I’m going to turn you in to the police!

Stefan Salvatore: And I’m going to make you drink your wife’s blood from a champaign glass!

Some Guy: This went differently in my head!

Stefan Salvatore: So far, all of these stories sound kind of… completely awesome. Which is really unlike me, so I kinda don’t believe you.

Klaus: I can prove it to you! Let’s go to your old apartment!

Stefan Salvatore: I love this plan!

Gloria: Hey, it’s the more rational, more controlled Salvatore brother! I bet that declaration isn’t ironic at all!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Gloria! Can you help me find Klaus?

Gloria: No a goddamn chance in hell!

Damon Salvatore: Okay! Nice seeing you again!

Stefan Salvatore (in his Diary): Dear Diary: Lexi found me again. Yelled at me for blah blah blah. Wants me to stop eating Catholic school girls… Dear Diary: Jesus, Lexi is a pain in the ass. Good thing she has a great rack, because I am sick of eating rabbit… Dear Diary: Lexi is trying to make me smile. I told her that nothing makes me smile like ripping the throat out of am innocent teenage girl. Don’t think I’m getting laid tonight. Dear Diary: Nope. Didn’t get laid. Also: our couch sucks.

Elena Gilbert: Hmmm… Stefan sure did write a lot about Lexi. That must mean… he needs a pretty girl with little to no common sense and the stubbornness of a petrified bulldog to save him!

Klaus: Well, here we are, back at the old apartment! Remember the secret room with the names of all your victims on the wall?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, ain’t that something. Hey, you know what else is in my murder room?

Elena Gilbert: ..Eeep.

Stefan Salvatore: A sweet bottle of Jack Daniels! Let’s party!

Elena Gilbert: So… good job leaving me here to be found by Klaus. Dick.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah… I acknowledged my failure, dealt with it, and moved on. And I bought you a dress! Let’s go put my life in danger!

Stefan Salvatore: So the reason you’re dragging me around the country is because you liked the way I tortured innocent people?

Klaus: Well, that and the way you were my best bro for like a decade, yeah.

Klaus: My whole family hates me! This sucks! Whiskey!

Stefan Salvatore: They’re just jealous! You know how you should deal with that? By becoming an invulnerable werepire hybrid murder machine! Whiskey!

Klaus: That’s a great idea! Say, you should sleep with my sister! Whiskey!

Bill Forbes: Well, it looks like my Vampire Aversion Therapy hasn’t worked… yet. So we’ll try again tomorrow!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Bill! I’ve gone through a lot of personal changes over the last two seasons, and I am now no longer okay with torturing our daughter just because she was (re)born different!

Tyler Lockwood: And I’m in the middle of a redemption arc, so I’m going to rip Caroline’s shackles off with my bare hands, get down on one knee, slip her Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight onto her finger, and carry her across the threshold!

Bill Forbes: …Darn it.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait wait wait… if we were such good friends, why do I only know you as the hybrid dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on an altar of fire?

Klaus: Well…

The Police: Hi everybody! BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

Stefan Salvatore: Say, the police are using wooden bullets. That sure seems odd.

Rebecca: …That must mean he’s here.

Klaus: Hey Stefan? Great hanging out with you and all, but I can’t have you telling everybody where we went, so… Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: …I have the sudden urge to move to Virginia, become really boring, and hook up with an underage girl…

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Klaus can’t create any werepires because Elena isn’t dead, so it’d be really sweet if she’d leave me the fuck alone for a few decades!

Damon Salvatore: Speaking of…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Klaus: Hi Damon! You’re a stupidhead!

Damon Salvatore: Oh honey, I’ve been called worse.

Klaus: Will be called “honey” from here on out.

Damon Salvatore: So I was thinking, if you could just give me my brother back…

Honey: Hey, have you ever wondered what it sounds like when you rip someone’s throat out with your pinky finger? Because I sure have!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’ve come up with a foolproof plan to get you back home! All you have to do is leave Klaus and come back home!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena? You’re an idiot and I’m a jerk, so let’s-

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena stabbing my boyfriend with a vervain dart powers-

Stefan Salvatore: Really? You think I’m going to fall for that old trick, just because I’ve fallen for it like a dozen times in the past?

Elena Gilbert: -thwarted.

Honey: Neck snap! Rib kick! Damon toss!

Damon Salvatore: You should totally hang out with me! I’m way more fun than my brother!

Honey: …And now I’m going to stake you with toothpicks until you die.

Gloria: Super Wiccan stopping Klaus from getting Damon all over my floor powers activate!

Honey: Nobody lets me have any fun.

Elena Gilbert: But Stefan Lexi saved you and Lexi was a girl and I’m a girl and I want to save you so you just have to come home with me and I’ll save you every night if you know what I mean I mean sex!

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, it took Lexi thirty years to dry me out. And no offense, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to keep your figure for that long. So… goodbye. For real. For ever.

Damon Salvatore: So, it sure was wacky how Klaus kicked my ass and Stefan broke your heart, wasn’t it? Don’t we always have the most fun on road trips?

Elena Gilbert: …

Damon Salvatore: And I didn’t even kill a witch this time!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: So it really isn’t your father’s fault that he hates you! He was raised a bigot!

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Sheriff… I don’t mean to interrupt, but I think I have something that will help Caroline get over this.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Your penis?

Tyler Lockwood: …Yes.

Rebecca: Hi klaus! Dagger!

Rebecca: Hey Klaus? Where did Stefan go?

Honey: Oh, I just blanked his brain, gave him an oddly strong attraction to underage girls, and sent him off to Virginia.

Rebecca: I’m not going anywhere without Stefan!

Honey: Works for me! Dagger!

Honey: So, you knew that wouldn’t kill me, right?

Rebecca: Yeah, but I was really hoping it would hurt more. Pout.

Honey: But! I brought you a peace offering! Hey Stefan… Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Wait a second! I used to be awesome! And we used to have sex! Let’s have awesome sex again!

Rebecca: Sounds great! But first, I need to know where my magic necklace is! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore (on the Phone): So yeah, Stefan was in Chicago. Going to see him was a great idea, by the way. So where are you?

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Well I’m certainly not in Chicago! And I certainly wasn’t there in the 1920’s, when Klaus abandoned Stefan! And neither was some mysterious guy claiming to be a cop but who was probably the guy Klaus was afraid of!

The Plot: Thickens.

So.

Did everyone love this episode? Because I haven’t heard a single person say a single negative thing about it. Everything they’ve been building this season just got deeper and richer and just… more, and it’s awesome.

Damon had some fantastic lines this episode, but Stefan – Stefan! -stole the show. The revelation at the end, that Stefan left Klaus because Klaus compelled him to do so, was epic. How much of his reform – his vegetarianism, his time with Lexi, and eventually his relationship with Elena – was all because of that one moment?

And more importantly, how much of that is going to be undone because the compulsion has been removed? Stefan already seemed resigned to the fact that his time with Elena was over, but now… is he happy about that? Is Stefan – the real Stefan – glad to be back with Klaus?

And what about Rebecca? Now that his memories – and his feelings – for her are back, has she replaced Elena in his life? And what about Katherine? Would The Ripper go back to her, when Stefan wouldn’t?

And finally? WHEN WILL ELIJAH BE BACK?

Update:

I wanted to add my thoughts on two things: the Big Gay Menace and the Magic Negros^*

The whole subtext of Caroline’s gay father torturing her in order to “cure” her? That was intentional, guys, and I know this for two reasons.

First, this is the kind of shit some people, particularly fringe religious organizations, will actually do. It’s rare, but it isn’t rare enough. There are religious groups that will, at a parent’s request, kidnap a child and subject them to abuse in order to “cure” whatever is wrong with them, be that homosexuality, or a “poor attitude,” or an insufficient love for The Jesus. Caroline’s situation was an exaggerated, extreme example, but only because she’s a vampire and most kids don’t burst into flames when they get sunlight on them. People have died because of “ministries” like this.

And aversion therapy, where a homosexual is shown gay pornography and then punished, has been and is still used in order to “cure” gay people. It’s been completely discredited by psychologists – Caroline’s line that “you can’t fix me, I’m not broken, this is what I am” is perfectly accurate – but that doesn’t stop people who think they’re doing The Lord’s work from trying.

Second: Kevin Williamson, one of the executive producers, is an out-of-the-closet gay man. There’s no way that this just accidentally found it’s way into the show without him noticing.

So, everyone that says “wow, her gay father is being such a hypocrite?” Exactly. That’s the point.

And I’d just like to add: this TV show we all watch? About naked teenagers and naked vampires and naked werewolves? Has a goddamn social message. Twilight, this is not.

My last comment about the Big Gay Menace is to everyone that’s been saying “wait, did the writers forget Caroline’s father is gay?” No, they didn’t. But when, exactly, was this supposed to be brought up? When did it really matter? I mean, sure, it was important to the subtext, but it would have been totally inappropriate for Bill Forbes to have said “Oh honey, I’m only torturing you because I love you. And speaking of things I love, god do I love the cock.”

Unless, of course, you think television needs more stereotypes. I mean, I guess they could have put him in a pink shirt and had him calling Caroline a stupid bitch.

I don’t wander around telling people how much I enjoy heterosexual intercourse, and chances are, neither do you. And Bill Forbes didn’t have a single on-screen moment when he would have organically, naturally talked about his sexual orientation. I’m glad that the show didn’t feel the need to hit us over the head with it.

Now, onto the one theme that this show keeps going back to that actually bothers me. Black people on The Vampire Diaries come in two flavors: witches, and expendables. It’s become a running joke on this blog: as soon as a black person shows up and has lines, we (The Fiancee and I) declare them a witch, and so far, I don’t think we’ve ever been wrong.

I actually think that the TVD people were trying to be inclusive when they decided that witchcraft was particularly strong in the Bennet family, and that the Bennet family happened to be African. The way it plays out, through, it seems like the only reason a black person is worth screen time or acknowledgement is is they’re a witch. Otherwise, they’ll be dead by the end of the episode.

Moreover, the witches are pretty much always subservient to a (white) vampire. Despite the fact that the witches have routinely been shown to be more powerful than anyone other than Klaus (and even he’s a question mark), the witches happily subvert their own desires and welfare in order to please their vampire masters.

None if this, I think, is intentional, but it’s a subtext that can’t be missed. And it would be really nice to see a black character that doesn’t do spells, and doesn’t die within forty-five minutes. Melissa Glaser on The Secret Circle is an example of this done right. She’s a witch, sure, but so is seventy-five percent of the cast, black, white, or indifferent, and despite her crippling self-esteem issues, she’s learning to stand up for herself. Sally Matthews, the class president / girl who knows magic is real because she got temporarily killed by Faye, is also an example of a minority character that isn’t just cannon fodder or a deus ex machina.

^* “Magic Negro” is a term Spike Lee popularized to refer to a stock character that uses special powers / knowledge / abilities… but only to help the white protagonist, and often to their own detriment.