Vampire Diaries – S03E05 – The Reckoning

Matt Donovan: Well here I am, just working out, all alone, in the dark.

A Random Vampire: Whoosh!

Matt Donovan: I sure hope I don’t get eaten! I better wander around the school all alone to make sure!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! We’re doing senior pranks on the school!

Elena Gilbert: Pranks are the best!

Klaus: You mean like the prank you pulled when I killed you but you didn’t die?

Elena Gilbert: …Poop.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon! Would you like to make out while we drive?

Damon Salvatore: Why yes, as a matter of fact I would like to give you false hopes about getting me back!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh my god why does my head hurt so bad?

Rebekah: Probably because Klaus has been breaking your neck all day. You know, because of the whole “let’s pretend Elena is dead and I’m interesting” scam you were pulling.

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire tackle powers activate!

Rebekah: Hey, did you ever hear the one about the jealous vampire with a crowbar?

Stefan Salvatore: …Poop.

Klaus: So yeah, basically I’m like 99% sure that I have to kill you in order to make my unkillable hybrid army / play date collection. But until I’m completely certain, I’m just going to torture you and all of your friends.

Elena Gilbert: …I’m starting to think chasing you down for all of these months may have been a bad idea.

Klaus: Hello seniors! All of you can leave! Except you, who must stand on your foot. And you, who must beat her to death if she puts her foot down.

Elena Gilbert: Klaus! That’s not very nice! Pout!

Dana: Can I go home?

Klaus: Not now, Dana!

Damon Salvatore: So Katherine! Let’s play a game of “I’m going to hide your keys until you tell me what they hell we’re doing?”

Katherine Pierce: Well, I stole Elena’s necklace, because Klaus wants it, and that means I don’t want him to have it!

Damon Salvatore: …You’re like a kindergartener with pointy bits.

Katherine Pierce: I also stole Elena’s brother.

Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Smootch!

Caroline Forbes: I’m worried about Matt!

Tyler Lockwood: …If I pretend to share your concerns, can we do the sex?

Rebekah: Hi guys! Fangs!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Matt! I’m not talking to Jeremy because he’s still seeing your dead sister!

Matt Donovan: Speaking of dead sisters, is there any way I could get in on that action? Like, maybe a suicide attempt of something?

Bonnie Bennet: …No?

Vicki Donovan: Yes!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! I’m… standing right in front of Klaus. Poop.

Klaus: Great, everybody’s here! I realize you’re all a little… special, so I’ll keep this simple. Every time I try to make a new werepire, they die a horrible, tortured death. So for Tyler’s sake – Bloodforce! Necksnap! – you had all better figure out a way to make that not happen.

Stefan Salvatore: …Somewhere along the line, I made some truly horrendous life decisions, didn’t I?

Matt Donovan: Oh my god! You killed Tyler! You bastards!

Klaus: Oh hush your dumb mouth. All you have to do is figure out the answer to an arcane riddle that has puzzled me for the last five hundred years! It shouldn’t take you more than like twenty minutes, right?

Bonnie Bennet: I can make werepires with my brain!

Rebekah: Hey Elena? Your identical twin is a lot prettier than you are.

Matt Donovan: Bonnie! You have to summon the spirits of a hundred dead witches and save Tyler!

Bonnie Bennet: So two things. One, I really doubt that the Preserve the Balance of Nature club is going to be on board with making another unstoppable murder machine. And two, even if they were, they cut me off, due to my being mostly useless.

Matt Donovan: If only we had someone that could speak to the dead!

Katherine Pierce: Hey Damon! What would you say if I told you there was a way to kill Klaus?

Damon Salvatore: That you were lying. Or drunk. Or drunk and lying.

Katherine Pierce: No it’s true! All we have to do is torture Jeremy into contacting Anna so she can tell us Pearl’s secret!

Jeremy Gilbert: You really don’t have to torture me. I mean, I’m on the Let’s Kill Klaus bandwagon, too.

Katherine Pierce: I’ll get the chains! You heat up some fire pokers!

Jeremy Gilbert: 🙁

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! I’m here to make it all up to you! Elena means nothing to me, and I’m ready to do whatever you want in order to prove my loyalty!

Klaus: Okay! Tell Elena that her shirt isn’t completely flattering.

Stefan Salvatore: NEVER! I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY HAIR BEFORE I SULLY DEAR ELENA’S GOOD REPUTATION!

Klaus: Oh Jesus you’re boring. Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

The Lady of the Manor: You know, that mind whammy really reminds me of church camp. SHUT UP AND OBEY.

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s get to murdering!

Dana: Hey guys? Can we talk about an extension to my five-episode contract?

The Producers: Not now, Dana!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna? Could you do me a favor and tell these guys what they want to know?

Anna: Nope!

Katherine Pierce: You know what they say… you can’t kill a werepire without breaking a few legs.

Damon Salvatore: Headslam! Headslam headslam headslam!

Anna: All right, I’ll help you! Klaus is running from some guy named Michael! But trust me, you don’t want to wake him up!

Katherine Pierce: Wake him up? That must mean… he’s hidden in the Original Casket Depot, operated by Klaus & Sons, Inc, located on the corner of Dagger Street and Elijah’s Still Dead Boulevard!

Damon Salvatore: To the Damonmobile!

Rebekah: Hi Caroline! I’m looking through your Product Placement Plot Development! Also we killed your boyfriend.

Stefan Salvatore: OM NOM NOM THE ONLY RECURRING EXTRA NOM.

Rebekah: Hey Klaus? You know that necklace we’ve been looking for for the last few weeks? Stefan may have given it to Elena.

Stefan Salvatore: …Did I forget to mention that. Totally my bad.

Klaus: And this is boring the shit out of me, so if Bonnie hasn’t made me a new werepire in the next twenty minutes, I want you to eat Elena. I’m going to go smoke a bowl.

Vicki Donovan: Hi Matt! I’ve figured out a way that you can talk to me! All you have to do is kill yourself! Suicide makes everything better!

Matt Donovan: Great! Hey Bonnie? can you still raise people from the dead?

Bonnie Bennet: Nope!

Matt Donovan: Oh. Well… do you still know how to do CPR?

Bonnie Bennet: …Even I realize this is a bad plan, Matt. Also, you jumped in the shallow end.

Damon Salvatore: Well this has been fun, but Bonnie just told me Klaus is back in Mystic Falls, and I’m way behind in rash, impulsive decisions, so… TTYL.

Katherine Pierce: The Damon I knew wouldn’t have been that stupid.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, well the character played by Nina Dobrev that I want to sleep with doesn’t dress like a hooker, either.

Bonnie Bennet: Super I was a lifeguard one summer CPR powers activate!

Vicki Donovan: Hi Matt! I have an important message for Bonnie!

Matt Donovan: It worked! I see dead people! Killing myself made all of my problems go away!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I learned a valuable lesson last week! Everyone in Mystic Falls knows I want to do sex to your brother! Also, you can resist homosexual urges vampire mind whammies if you just concentrate really, really hard!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, let’s try it! Squinty face!

Elena Gilbert: Did it work?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope, I still want to bang Klaus. And murder you with my teeth. But mostly I want to bang Klaus.

Tyler Lockwood: OH MY GOD WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK!

Caroline Forbes: …Klaus may have turned you into a werepire.

Rebekah: Also, the fact that you’re melting from the inside out might have something to do with it.

Matt Donovan: Hey Bonnie! I have a super special message from the Original Witch! She says that in order to make more werepires, Klaus has to kill Elena! And then he has to make sure to drain her blood! And spill every last drop on the ground! And then cover it with dirt! And then light it on fire!

Klaus: That’s… odd. Almost like they don’t want to me have access to her blood any more.

Elena Gilbert: Sefan! You don’t have to do this! You can fight!

Stefan Salvatore: OM NOM NOM TASTY GIRLFRIEND NOM.

Elena Gilbert: …Or I can run away. That’s a good plan, too.

Klaus: No, it’s a really shitty plan, actually.

Stefan Salvatore: I’d rather die than hurt Elena! Fortunately, there’s a bunch of wooden implements laying around.

The Lady of the Manor: Dear Stefan, please don’t become a pussy again. Love, me.

Klaus: Hey Stefan? Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: I suddenly feel no remorse or guilt or pain, and fancy the idea of a quick bite to eat.

Elena Gilbert: …I hate this plan.

Klaus: So the Original Witch said I have to kill Elena and blah blah blah, an since I’m pretty sure that the bitch that put the curse on me in the first place isn’t suddenly playing for my team, I figure that probably means Elena’s blood is the key to a successful transition. So Tyler? Bottoms up!

Tyler Lockwood: …Really? You managed to find an even more painful way for me to change into a monster? I hate you all.

Elena Gilbert: That’s funny! I’m not dead!

Nurse Ratchet: Nope! You’ve just lost several pints of blood! We’re collecting it for Mr. Klaus!

Rebekah: So this whole werepire army thing?

Klaus: Yeah, I’m just lonely. And I kinda want to invade Canada. But mostly I’m lonely.

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m here to do something stupid!

Klaus: Super vampire heart ripping powers-

Damon Salvatore: Also, Michael says hello!

Klaus: Hey look at the time I have to be going see you all later bye bye!

The Lady of the Manor: I absolutely love Klaus’ facial expressions. Almost as much as Damon’s Eyebrows. And yes, they’re a proper noun.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! Are you okay?

Tyler Lockwood: Babe? I’m now the second-most powerful creature in the entire goddamn world. Okay doesn’t really begin to cover it.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey Matt? I know you want to help and all, but you’re really kind of useless, so let the professionals deal with the supernatural crap, okay?

Matt Donovan: Single tear.

Vicki Donovan: Hi Matt! We can be best friends again! And I totally promise I’m not evil!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! You know what helps with blood loss and depression? Whiskey! And also mind whammies.

The Lady of the Manor: I prefer to think Damon’s talking about a literally mind-blowing orgasm, and not compulsion.

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! How can I spend the rest of the season moping if I forget that Stefan left me?

Damon Salvatore: Well, for what it’s worth, I promise that I’ll never leave you again. Even when you’re in the shower. Especially when you’re in the shower.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m evil! And moving back in!

The Lady of the Manor: …Doesn’t Elena still own their house?

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, we’ve found Michael’s body. Do you think the fact that he was buried under a million pounds of cement, and wrapped in forty miles of chain, means he’s dangerous?

Katherine Pierce: No, probably not.

The Plot: Thickens.

First, a very happy birthday to KaterinaJoy and her twin sister Krystyna!

Okay, so this episode? Probably the best one of the entire series, let alone this season. I really didn’t think they were going to top The End of the Affair, but man was I wrong. Michael Narducci deserves some kind of an award for writing this.

Stefan, who has been threatening to become a giant boring lap dog again, made a triumphant return to awesome this week. He totally sounded like Batman when he screamed “where is he?” at Rebekah. And the look that he gave Elena when he flipped the switch? God. Damn. Chilling. Paul Westly really is a good actor, and it’s great to see him given something more substantial than “Elena’s boyfriend / yes man” to work with.

Last week, I was upset that they ditched the whole “Stefan loves Klaus and Rebekah” plot line so fast. But this? This thing, where Stefan’s evil, and he’s back in Mystic Falls, and Damon and Elena are growing closer, and Stefan doesn’t care? So. Much. Better. I am so excited to see where this goes.

Katherine remains awesome, and remains a much better choice for Damon than Elena. I love watching those two together.

The fact that Elena’s blood is the key to Klaus’ plan is a brilliant way to keep Klaus involved in her life, but also keep her alive. Because really? If he wanted her dead, she wouldn’t last more than thirty seconds. The writers on this show really are the best.

I also want to draw attention to the fact that Tyler is now the second most powerful creature in the TVD universe… a fact that everyone else seems to completely miss. I have no idea where this is going to go, but I doubt that it’s anywhere good.

Also, if Klaus is all “woe is me, for I have no friends,” why did he leave Tyler in Mystic Falls? Or did he mind-whammy him off screen?

Also, seriously? Suicide is not the answer, guys. These kids try to kill themselves more often than… someone who tried to commit suicide a whole lot. Y’all need to come up with a plan or two that doesn’t involve murdering yourself. Seriously.