Vampire Diaries – S03E07 – Ghost World

Carol Lockwood: Hi everybody! That’s for coming to the annual “We Kicked the Vampires out of Mystic Falls” party! Which is in no way based on real, historical events!

Anna: “We Kicked the Vampires out of Mystic Falls” is lame! But you know what isn’t lame? Holding the ectoplasmic hand of your twice-dead ghost girlfriend!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Caroline! My boyfriend is still spending all of his time with the ghost of his old girlfriend who came back to haunt him when I tore the veil between the living and the dead and yanked his soul back to the land of the living!

Caroline Forbes: My boyfriend has fleas and keeps humping my leg. We all have issues.

Damon Salvatore: Speaking of issues, I just got spit-roasted by the ghost of Mason Lockwood! And since I am in no mood to compete for the affection of the fangirls, I suggest you undo whatever hoodoo you did do.

Matt Donovan: …My storyline died last episode.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I need Lexi’s help to get Stefan’s Abs back, and since you seem to be the epicenter of a global zombie apocalypse, I thought you could help!

Alaric Saltzman: The last dead person we summoned blew up my car. Do you think there’s a lesson in that?

Elena Gilbert: Nope!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry Elena, I have vowed to use my powers only for getting ghost-laid.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Matt! I was kind of hoping that Vicki had come back and said something about torturing Damon?

Matt Donovan: Sorry, but it looks like you actually have ushered in the End of Days. But at least we have another reason not to go to class!

Caroline Forbes: Poor Matt! He’s been through so much, had such a small character arc! Doesn’t it just make you want to break up with your necrophiliac boyfriend and take a ride on the Ivory Tower?

Bonnie Bennet: …I’d kind of like to stave off the Night of the Living Dead first.

Bonnie Bennet’s Book of Black Magic: Here here here the answer you’re looking for is right here!

Elena Gilbert: So Jeremy, about this plan to resurrect the spirit of a dead vampire-

Alaric Saltzman: Which, as someone who has personally murdered roughly eleventy bajillion vampires, I am officially labeling a “bad idea”-

Elena Gilbert: -Can you hurry up so I can get my freak on?

Anna: I don’t think all vampires go to ~The Other Side~ In fact, Lexi’s death was so natural and peaceful and lacking in unresolved anger that I’m certain she’s in Vampire Heaven right now.

Jeremy Gilbert: I don’t think all vampires go to ~The Other Side~ In fact, Lexi’s death was so natural and peaceful and lacking in unresolved anger that I’m certain she’s in Vampire Heaven right now.

Elena Gilbert: …Anna told you to say that, didn’t she?

Alaric Saltzman: And that fourth place setting wasn’t for your imaginary friend Benny, was it?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I see you stole my diary again! Reminiscing over what an utter drama queen douchebag I used to be?

Elena Gilbert: I’m searching for the key that will unlock the goodness and love that lie hidden in your heart!

Stefan Salvatore: The only thing that lies hidden in the heart is a gooey filling. Trust me, I ripped open like ten of them this morning.

Bonnie Bennet: I Caroline! I need a quiet place to perform this spell, and I figured the house formerly haunted by a hundred brutally murdered witches, who are angry at me for exploiting their power for personal gain and unleashing an unkillable werepire on the world, which also happens to be the place where I tore through the Veil Between Worlds to save my boyfriend (and unleash armageddon) would be a great place to do it!

Caroline Forbes: …I think I hear someone calling my name. In Europe.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! How come you don’t want Elena to know I can see you? And why can we hold hands?

Anna: Well I’m certainly not using a magic talisman I yoinked from the Original Witch in order to achieve my devious aims, that’s for sure!

Jeremy Gilbert: Good enough for me! Smootch!

Caroline Forbes: Okay Bonnie, I lit all of your candles!

Bonnie Bennet: And I’ll mumble in vague faux-Latin!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric!

Alaric Saltzman: No. You know what, Damon? I’m done. For all the times you’ve killed an innocent person, for all the times you’ve tried to climb into Elena’s pants, for all of the times you did crawl into my wife’s pants, and most importantly, for all of the times you’ve broken my neck, we are done. There is nothing you could possibly say that would make me want to talk to you right now.

Damon Salvatore: Mason Lockwood’s back, and he’s pissed.

Alaric Saltzman: Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to receive your newsletter.

Bonnie Bennet: Mumble mumble vague faux-Latin!

Grandma Bennet: Hi Bonnie! Let’s get some Bennet up in this bitch!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! Hi Anna! …Wait a second…

Lexi: Hi Stefan! You’ve been a very bad boy, and I think you need a spanking!

A Million Fanfics: Were born with that one sentence.

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! Whiskey! Facesmash!

Damon Salvatore: Told you so.

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t need your help! I don’t want to get better!

Lexi: …Headsmash!

Everybody: Loves Lexi.

The Lady of the Manor: Lexi is 4 bajillion times > Elena. Seriously, I have the biggest Lexiboner right now.

Thomas: Approves of this development.

Grandma Bennet: Hi Bonnie! Your “bring back Jeremy from the dead” spell opened the door to ~The Other Side~, and every time you try to fix it, you just wedge the door open further! Fortunately, I have past experience in making doors bang shut with my brain!

Bonnie Bennet: But Grandma! This door isn’t a giant fake rock!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Elena! Bonnie’s dead grandmother says that we have to destroy your necklace because it’s some kind of Jewish witch’s power source!

Bonnie Bennet: Caroline!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): I mean it’s some kind of witch juju power source!

Jeremy Gilbert: I am going to go on record as being against any plan that will result in there being fewer females, living or dead, who are willing to do the sex to me. And speaking of, let’s keep this little “I caught you making out with a dead girl in the bathroom” thing a secret from Bonnie, okay?

Elena Gilbert: Sure! I’d be glad to lie to one of my best friends so you can slut around behind her back!

Jeremy Gilbert: 🙂

Elena Gilbert: …That was sarcasm.

Jeremy Gilbert: 🙁

The Lady of the Manor: Please stop telling your sister that you want to do sex at a ghost.

Lexi: Speaking of slutting around, you know what the fastest way to cure Stefan is? A threesome!

A Million More Fanfics: Were just birthed.

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! Instead of murdering you over and over again for as long as this corporeal thing lasts, I figured I’d take the opportunity to free Tyler from his mancrush on Klaus! Right after you apologize for torturing me to death!

Damon Salvatore: Good luck with that. Tyler is officially Klaus’ bitch for as long as Klaus shall live. Which is, like, forever.

Mason Lockwood: Unless someone knew of an ancient family secret that would help murder Klaus for good!

Damon Salvatore: …

Mason Lockwood: That’s right, the answer to all most of your current problems is just an apology away!

Damon Salvatore: …

Mason Lockwood: Just two little words, and I’ll be playing for Team Salvatore!

Damon Salvatore: …

Alaric Saltzman: Of for fuck’s sake he’s sorry! Whiskey! Gin! Vodka! Beer!

Mason Lockwood: …Close enough.

Lexi: Hi everybody! I just remembered that there was a convenient “let’s torture us some vampires” cell right below city hall!

Stefan Salvatore: …This was not the threesome I signed up for.

Lexi: So let’s get started! First we have to starve Stefan until he doesn’t crave blood any more!

Elena Gilbert: But Lexi! First, that doesn’t make a goddamn bit of sense! Like, if you starved an angry dog, it would just get angrier! And second, even if we accept your flawed premise, it takes days, maybe even weeks before a vampire starts to desiccate! We could be here forever!

Lexi: No, it’s cool, I have time travel powers now or something. Yay magic!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! Do you know what’s buried beneath my family’s plantation?

Damon Salvatore: A tomb full of starved-yet-still-alive vampires, held inside by the magic of a hundred dead witches?

Mason Lockwood: Well, yes, but you know what else?

Damon Salvatore: A slave pit jail cell that the Lockwood Werewolves use to chain themselves up on the full moon?

Mason Lockwood: Okay, that, too, but you know what else?’

Damon Salvatore: Well, there was the Gilbert Diaries, and the Season One Plot Device, and the Moon Rock was down here, too, I think, and-

Mason Lockwood: Oh god dammit it’s a secret weapon that the Lockwoods kept on hand to kill the Original Vampires that they had no way of knowing about!

Damon Salvatore: Give me that shovel.

The Lady of the Manor: I’m hiring a vampire for our next house renovation project. I’m hoping it’s called Damon Salvatore and The Eyebrows of Destruction, Inc.

Lexi: Due to my unexplained powers of plot convinience, Stefan has now been without blood for three months! Now two years! Now five! Also, pay no attention to the fact that he hasn’t shriveled up like every other vampire we’ve ever seen deprived of blood.

The Lady of the Manor: Why is Elena barefoot in the tetanus chamber of sharp things and torture?

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Elena! I haven’t found the Magic Necklace yet, but as soon as I do, Bonnie is going to (watch her grandmother) destroy it!

Elena Gilbert: But Caroline! Lexi is back and everybody loves Lexi and also she’s helping me save Stefan and I love Stefan and I love Stefan’s abs and I miss waking up next to his abs and I need her to fix this for me because god it’s been like six months since I’ve gotten laid and I’m starting to have these thoughts about boys that aren’t even vampires and it frightens me so please don’t screw this up for me!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Okay! That’s way more important than getting rid of the ghost that Jeremy’s been making out with all day!

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

Carol Lockwood: Hi everybody! Mr. Fell got eaten by a bobcat, so Alaric Saltzman has agreed to give you a speech on why we celebrate “We Kicked the Vampires out of Mystic Falls” night every year!

Alaric Saltzman: Because vampires are real, and they thought they killed a bunch of them a couple of hundred years ago, but they really only managed to imprison them in a magic witch tomb. And not even all of them. The worst one got away, and came back to Mystic Falls several years later, and was our Big Bad for like twelve episodes. Whiskey!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire:Hi Anna! I came back from the dead to get revenge on the Founding Families!

Tobias Fell: I disapprove!

Carol Lockwood: I hate this job so much.

The Lady of the Manor: That guy looks like he has lots of social diseases.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena I love you Elena and I don’t want to be bad anymore Elena so if you could just get me a nice fluffy bunny to eat we can be on our merry way!

Lexi: Yeah, he’ll say pretty much anything to get what he wants right now.

Elena Gilbert: Sorry, Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: I hate you you skanky whore!

Lexi: Anyway, in order to cure him, you have to make the ripper surface, and then torture him until he associates ripping with unbearable pain. Stake stake stake stake stake!

Elena Gilbert: I doubt that this technique has been endorsed by any psychological or counseling organization!

Elena Gilbert: That’s funny… a murder scene that doesn’t involve me! I didn’t think we had those in this town.

Caroline Forbes: Dammit! The necklace isn’t hidden in the soap dish! That’s totally the best hiding place in this house!

Bonnie Bennet: Hey Caroline? My slutdog ex is on the phone! Could you field this one for me?

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hi… Caroline? Yeah, so the Ghost of Tombpires Past are here and they’re murdering the anyone that’s from a founding family and not a main character, so if you guys could hurry up with that GTFO Spell…

Caroline Forbes: We’d love to, but it seems that someone has stolen the Magic Necklace!

Anna: Innocent whistle.

Damon Salvatore: So… any idea where this latest Plot Device is hidden?

Mason Lockwood: Beats me. Let’s go down the path marked “Not a Trap”.

Damon Salvatore: Ha! I see right through your clever plan!

The Trap Path: Vervain stake! Vervain stake! Vervain stake!

Damon Salvatore: …darn it.

Jeremy Gilbert: We don’t even know for sure that Anna is the one who took the necklace!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t be silly! Aside from everyone else on the show, nobody else even has a reason to steal it! Besides, your love for her isn’t real! She’s a ghost! She was dead, and she came back to life! And now she’s never going to get old! And she killed a bunch of people! And a relationship between a supernatural and a teenage human can never work out!

Anna: I’m going to ignore your blatant hypocrisy and give you back the necklace!

Damon Salvatore: Worst. Day. Ever.

Mason Lockwood: Don’t worry! I’ll save you!

Damon Salvatore: Because you suddenly have warm fuzzy feelings for the guy who tortured you and ripped your heart out?

Mason Lockwood: No, because I don’t need revenge! I need redemption!

Damon Salvatore: …You didn’t become a Jehova’s Witness on ~The Other Side~ did you?

Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie! Jeremy has the necklace and he’s gonna meet you at the Home for Immolated Wiccans! And as much as I’d love to revisit that particular horror show, I have to go save my future mother-in-law from the Ghosts of Tompires Past! Fangs!

Anna: I only stole the necklace so I’d have more time to find my mother! I don’t know if she’s in hell, or on ~The Other Side~, or if she’s moved on and found peace, or even if there’s any peace to be found!

Jeremy Gilbert: Anna, don’t be silly! Of course you can find peace! I mean, hundreds of organized religions wouldn’t lie, would they?

Lexi: Stefan! You just need to feel again!

Stefan Salvatore: I do feel. I feel hungry. And pissed. And dirty.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Mason? I seem to have stumbled into a Room of Not Leaving. Or a Room of Not Entering. Or something.

Mason Lockwood: That’s cool, I can take it from here.

Damon Salvatore: ..Well this is bound to end well.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I brought you the Magic Necklace!

Bonnie Bennet: Mumble mumble vague faux-Latin!

Grandma Bennet: What she said!

Caroline Forbes: Super barbiepire kicking the asses of tombpires past powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Throatgr…. poof!

Carol Lockwood: …I now fully endorse my son’s relationship.

Mason Lockwood: Damon! You’re never going to believe what I found! It’s a- poof!

Damon Salvatore: …darn it.

Lexi: Okay Elena, I’m almost out of here! Just remember, the boring Stefan is still inside somewhere, and you just have to keep torturing him until he loves you again! Poof!

Pearl: Hi baby!

Anna: Hi momma!

Pear and Anna: Poof!

Grandma Bennet: Good job, baby! But before I go, do you remember that “make a cheating boyfriend’s testicles explode” spell I taught you?

Jeremy Gilbert: Haha… she’s kidding, right?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! Let’s go treasure hunting!

Alaric Saltzman: Well, I’d love to, except I kind of need an apology…

Damon Salvatore: …

Alaric Saltzman: Just two little words…

Damon Salvatore: …

Alaric Saltzman: Of for fuck’s sake you’re sorry! Whiskey! Bromance reinstated!

Damon Salvatore: Good to know my Karma Obfuscation Powers are still working.

Stefan Salvatore: So, ready to give up yet?

Elena Gilbert: Nope! I’m still a love-struck idiot!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, see you tomorrow, then!

The Lady of the Manor: She shouldn’t put her wrists so close to his fangs.

Jeremy Gilbert: Bonnie, I think I owe you an explanation…

Bonnie Bennet: Actually, I think you owe me a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

The Lady of the Manor: When Bonnie and Matt start dating, should we call them Bat or Manny?

The Magic Necklace: Kerblewie! I’m back!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Damon! Did you know that the Vikings came to America before Columbus? And that they settled in Mystic Falls? And did cave paintings? And worshiped vampires?

Damon Salvatore: …No?

The Plot: Thickens.

I’ve been hearing a lot of Bonnie hate over how she reacted to Jeremy and Anna, but I have to go on record as saying that her reaction really is kinda legit. I mean, let’s say your boyfriend’s ex got cancer or something. It would be totally noble of him to spend time with her and try to make her feel better… but it would still be understandable if that hurt you, or made you nervous. And if someone walked in on him kissing his ex? You’d have every right to be pissed. I don’t see Bonnie’s situation as any different.

Elena is a gigantic fucking hypocrite. Sure, The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past are holding Jeremy back, and what he feels for Anna isn’t real, but a raving psychopath of a vampire that’s left a trail of bodies all up and down the east coat? True love, baby! I am glad, however, that she kind of realized that at the end. Her line, “I won’t live my life for a ghost,” echoing what she said to Jeremy, was well done.

Pear and Anna’s reunion would have had a lot more impact if they had dropped a hint or two about Anna’s search for her mother a couple of episodes ago. I almost wonder if this isn’t a case of the writers communicating, because that felt kind of last-minute.

Now, to the meat of this episode: Lexi.

I love me some Lexi. She’s honestly one of my very favorite characters, and I welcome anything that gives her a little more screen time.

However, the way the whole “let’s cure Stefan” thing was played? Very sloppy.

It’s a difficult problem. You’ve got forty-five minutes in which to have Lexi teach Elena everything she needs to know about de-Ripper-fying Stefan, and you absolutely can’t drag it out any longer than that, because the other main plot of the episode won’t allow it. I understand that the logistics are hard.

But that doesn’t mean you give the Ghostpire time travel powers. When she said that a month had gone by, then a year, et cetera, I thought I had missed something, but now that I’ve seen this a second time, I realize that it was just a giant Deus Ex Machina. There was no precedent, no explanation, and no rules as to how it all worked.

And her method of curing Stefan? Didn’t we just get done with a “torture the gay away” metaphor, and didn’t we establish that it doesn’t work like that? Drying him out I can understand… they went through this last season. But shoving random wooden objects into him, in order to get him to “feel?” I don’t even know.

But at least this wasn’t a magic bullet. If that had actually worked, and Stefan had been cured in one lazy time lapse, I would have been royally pissed off. As it is, I’m just mildly miffed.

There were some good points, though.

Bonnie continues to not make me hate her. They’re still pushing the whole “my powers alienate me from my friends” theme, and I still hope that this ends up with her becoming a Big- or Mini- Bad. Some people have written in suggesting that she might get possessed by the Original Witch. I would personally love that.

And the Greatest Bromance on Television (aside from Price Peterson and myself, depending on who you ask) is back on! Team Blood and Beer FTW! And I loved Damon’s halting not-apologies. That’s very true to character.

Update

A bunch of people have written in to say that Lexi wasn’t time travelling, she was compelling Stefan to think it had been five years since he’s had blood. That makes way more sense, but I’m still not completely satisfied with that explanation.

First, I would assume Stefan’s bloodlust is a physical thing, not psychological. Like, some drugs you just really, really want to do, but others your body comes to depend on to function normally. Since blood is what makes a vampire tick, I would think Stefan’s addiction falls into the physical category… and I’m not sure thinking he had been dry would do anything to break the habit.

My second, and biggest, objection is that the Ghosts displayed wildly inconsistent powers. Neither Vicki nor Anna showed any sign of still being a vampire, or having any of their vampire powers. Mason demonstrated superhuman speed and strength last episode, but in this episode, he needed Damon to break through a brick wall because he wasn’t strong enough. Lexi seemed entirely human, except she had super strength (knocking Stefan out via headsmash, which was a genuinely great moment) and… compulsion?

And if Lexi was able to compel Stefan, why didn’t she go all the way? “You’ve been dry for a hundred years, and you love puppies again” or something.

I’m still not happy with the way this was handled.

As to the lack of Aunt Jenna, I just kind of assumed it was a scheduling conflict. Or a “you just fired me, no I won’t be on your show again” conflict.

Update the Second

I added some code to the site’s CSS that will add my Triquetra logo to my comments, so if you’re looking for my feedback specifically, it will be a bit easier to find from now on.