Vampire Diaries – S03E08 – Ordinary People

Rebekah: Hi Klaus! I’m carving our family tree into the wall of this here cave!

Klaus: Speaking of family trees, it sure is funny how each and every one of us is terrified of our asshole father, and has sworn to overthrow him, isn’t it?

Rebekah: …I’m going to go make dinner now.

The Lady of the Manor: Why do all of the Vikings have British accents?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and we found Mikael’s name, too, with a caption that says “everyone who thought me being the Daddy Original was too obvious can go orally pleasure a goat.” Vikings were big into farm animal slurs.

Alaric Saltzman: I know these pictures tell a story! If only I hadn’t slept through Translating Pre-Columbian Viking Runes in America class!

Elena Gilbert: Punch! Stab! Kick!

Damon Salvatore: Dodge! Block! Playful nibble!

Elena Gilbert: You could at least look at me when you’re shrugging off my futile attempts at violence.

Alaric Saltzman: Anyway, we really need to figure out what these runes say, because the Original Vampires would have clearly left a map to the one thing in all the world that could kill them dead!

Elena Gilbert: I think it’s time for another “Elena talks to the terrifying murder machine and gets them to tell her the plot” episode!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Rebekah! I found your name carved into a rock, and I’d like you to explain yourself to me please! We take vandalism very seriously in Mystic Falls!

Rebekah: You do realize I could snap you like an annoying twig, right?

Elena Gilbert: Oh well! I guess I’ll just have to ask Mikael when we drag him out of that crypt in Charlotte!

Rebekah: …Poop.

Elijah: Hi Klaus! Isn’t my hair fantastic!

Klaus: Almost as fantastic as this belt I am about to cut off your body!

MIllions of Slash Fics: Are instantly born.

Mikael: I do not take well to these shenanigans! Growl! Swordsmash! Intimidate! Trip! Groundstab!

The Lady of the Manor: …He kinda makes Casey Anthony look like a good parent.

Alaric Saltzman: I’ve broken the code! This symbol, a sun with fangs, is a vampire! And this symbol, a moon with fangs, is a werewolf! And this symbol, blond vampire with pom-pom, means the answers we seek can only be drawn out of Rebekah by another cheerleader! Self high five!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Elena! Your boyfriend looks pasty and pouty. But don’t worry! I have a shitty plan!

The Lady of the Manor: He always looks pasty and pouty.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Lexi and Elena want to leave you here for the next decade, in order to dry you out and make you feel!

Stefan Salvatore: Because Elena’s plans always work out exactly the way she intended?

The Lady of the Manor: Evil!Stefan is a lot smarter than Boring!Stefan.

Damon Salvatore: …Good point. I have a better idea. Let’s go eat a bartender!

Rebekah: Hi Elena! I compelled the cheerleading squad to try on dresses for me! And if you don’t help me pick one, I’m going to eat them all right in front of you!

Elena Gilbert: The red one! The red one! The red one!

The Lady of the Manor: The red one is the ugliest dress there.

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Bonnie! Sorry this place is such a mess, but I’m… a barely-functional alcoholic who had both of the women he loved murdered by vampires. But I’m also a Vikingologist!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s great! I brought the Necklace That Wouldn’t Die over! It has a symbol that means “Witch” on it!

Alaric Saltzman: …That leads me to believe that this same symbol, carved all over these walls, means “Witch”! Self high five!

Rebekah: Hi Elena! Let’s go through Stefan’s underwear drawer and gossip about our family histories! My family came to Mystic Falls when an occult vision told us that we could escape the plague by taking shelter amongst the werewovles!

Elena Gilbert: …My dad lost his job in Chicago and came here to practice medicine.

Rebekah: Your story is fun, too!

Rebekah: Hi Iana! Nice necklace! Yoink!

Iana: Hi Rebekah! I can make my jewelry burn you with my brain!

Klaus: Hi everyone! Henrick went out to watch the locals turn into wolves, and got himself mauled!

Esther: That’s horrible! We should magic him back to life!

Iana: Bitch, please! Didn’t you see what happened the last time someone came back from the dead on this show?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Elena! I just wanted to fill you in on the details of my awesome plan!

Stefan Salvatore: God damn it feels good to be free! Let’s eat a bartender whoo!

Elena Gilbert: …Poop.

Damon Salvatore: Hi cute blond girl! I’d like a shot of whiskey!

Stefan Salvatore: And I’d like a shot of you! Fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: So Damon, what’s your great plan? Badger me with moral platitudes until I’m the same boring, self-loathing asshat I was last season?

Damon Salvatore: Actually, I thought I’d teach you moderation. You know, be a vampire, enjoy the perks, snack on tasty waitresses… but don’t leave a trail of bodies that almost certainly has the FBI on your ass as we speak.

Stefan Salvatore: That… actually kind of makes sense.

Rebekah: Hi Elena! I don’t get you and Stefan as a couple!

The Lady of the Manor: Nobody gets them as a couple.

Elena Gilbert: Well it was nice chatting with you and all, but if I want emotional and verbal abuse, I can just hang out with Damon. Bye bye!

Rebekah: Say wouldn’t you like to hear about how the Original Witch is actually a white chick?

Mikael: So yeah, werewolves are the suck, and I would like to be bigger, faster, and stronger than they are. Oh, and if I could live forever, that would be neat, too.

Elena Gilbert: Wait wait wait… I thought vampirism was a curse?

Rebekah: Yeah, the curse of staying young and attractive forever, doing whatever the hell you want, becoming wildly rich just by investing like two dollars a thousand years ago… it’s a hard life. Anyway…

Iana: Yeah, so balance of nature, the Thing That Should Not Be, blah blah blah. Basically, fuck you.

Esther: Well, it’s a good thing that I’m also a witch. The… Original Witch!

Elena Gilbert: Wait wait wait… we’ve spent three seasons establishing that Black People Are Witches, and you had a Black Witch with you in the flashback, but when it comes time to bring out the Most Important Witch of All Ever, it’s a white chick?

Rebekah: Yeah, pretty much. We didn’t have Affirmative Action back then.

The Lady of the Manor: Way to be diverse, TVD.

Esther: Okay! A little bit of Sun God, a little bit of Giant White Oak Tree, some blood-laced wine, and-

Mikael: Gutstab! Gutstab! Gutstab!

Esther: Well, yeah, I guess that works, too.

Mikael: Okay kids, time to eat the servant girl!

Elijah: I did that earlier today.

Mikael: …eat her blood.

Esther: Oh, and you should probably put on these Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight! You know, just in case.

Mikael: Also, let’s burn that Giant White Oak Tree to the ground! You know, just in case.

Rebekah: Say, does anyone else want to slaughter the entire village?

The Lady of the Manor: Elija’s so pretty by the light of an incinerated immortal white oak.

Damon Salvatore: See Stefan! You don’t have to murder everyone you feed from!

Stefan Salvatore: But it’s so much more fun…

Damon Salvatore: You know what else is fun? Not being Klaus’ little bitch.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, if I had a way to murder him, I would!

Mikael: Hi guys! Maybe I can help!

Klaus: Nom nom nom, tasty villager… wait, why are my palms hairy?

Mikael: I don’t know, but I bet it means I should murder half the village, and then your mother!

Rebekah: We should stick together forever!

Elijah: We’re like the Three Musketeers! Except they won’t make shitty movies about us! And we kill a bunch of people.

Elena Gilbert: So was “stabbing you in the heart with a magic dagger and locking you in a coffin for the better part of a century” part of “sticking together forever?”

Rebekah: It’s okay! Klaus only hurts me when I make him angry! It’s really my fault!

Elena Gilbert: Okay then! Well, I’m going to go wake up your murder machine father, and have him kill your beloved brother, okay?

Rebekah: …I am going to pull your limbs off and beat you to death with them.

Mikael: So Stefan, what can you tell me about Klaus?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been compelled to tell you jack and shit, actually.

Mikael: Really? What can you tell me now that I have my hand inside Damon’s chest cavity, ready to remove his heart?

The Lady of the Manor: Get your whore hands off of Damon’s heart!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait wait wait… I can’t tell you where Klaus is, but, if you wait right here, chances are he’ll show up. Right after I call him and start yelling “holy shit Elena is in danger and the world revolves around Elena and you need to come and rescue Elena! Elena!”

Mikael: Sounds good! Oh, by the way: I haven’t murdered anyone in like fifty years, so if Klaus doesn’t show up? I’ll just have to murder you instead. Tootles!

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, we have the Witch symbol here, with a bleeding heart…

Elena Gilbert: And then there’s a Vampire Symbol, linked with a Werewolf symbol…

Alaric Saltzman: And then the Witch is dead.

Bonnie Bennet: I wonder what that could mean?

Elena Gilbert: It really is a mystery.

Alaric Saltzman: If only we had a decoder ring!

Elena Gilbert: Wait a second… AP History class powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Rebekah! You know those cave paintings that you did back in the day? Well they say that it wasn’t Mikael that murdered your mother… it was Klaus!

Rebekah: …This drastically changes my interpretation of very important events!

Damon Salvatore: Thanks for not letting Mikael rip my heart out , Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: Thanks for getting me out of Elena’s Detox Pit! And thanks for reminding me that I would be a lot better off on my own! That was touching!

Damon Salvatore: I’m gonna touch your face with my fist! And your ribs with my foot!

Rebekah: This devastating emotional news has made me reconsider fundamental aspects of my personality! Also this rug is terrible!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I think I got Rebekah on our side!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Stefan’s an even bigger dick than before I set him free! But at least he’s a dick that’s on our side! Oh and Katherine must have freed Michael, because he tried to rip my heart out! And he said there’s a stake that can kill Klaus! I think he carved it from the Giant White Oak Tree before they burned it to the ground!

Elena Gilbert: …You’re exhausting. Wanna watch me fall asleep?

Damon Salvatore: Boy do I!

Team Delena: Fucking explodes.

Edward Cullen: It doesn’t count if she knows you’re there.

The Plot: Thickens.

This episode was fantastic, especially after last week’s (slight) misstep... and especially from a first-time writer, Caroline Dries, even if she was working with Julie Plec. Nevermind. But still: fantastic work.

My only real complaint is the Original Witch. For a show that has gone out of its way to equate Black People with Witch Craft – and gotten quite a bit of heat about it – to make the Most Important Witch Ever OMG a blond Nordic girl is kind of amazing in it’s audacity.

I love the fact that Alaric speaks Viking Runes. Normally, when a discovery like that is made, everything is carefully documented and studied for years, and then maybe people have a kinda-sort idea as to what it all means. Alaric? Two days and a vat of coffee later, and he knows the story of the Originals front-to-back.

I loved Rebekah in this episode. She went from ruthless to vulnerable without missing a beat, and added one more data point to my “blond vampires vampire better” theory. Also, I’m pretty sure that the developments in this episode mean we’re going to see Elijah + Barbie Klaus + Michael vs. Klaus… and that is going to be epic.

Of course, if what Rebekah said is true – if all of them have been daggered at some point – maybe Elijah won’t be so quick to join Team Elena.

Damon’s shitty plan turned out to be the one that worked. This really shouldn’t be a surprise anymore. He’s the perfect mix of brilliant, experienced, and batshit crazy. I’m pretty sure problems fall before him just because they’re overwhelmed by his eyebrows.

I also love the way Stefan’s redemption arc is shaping up. They aren’t turning him back into Boring!Stefan… they’re turning him into Damon. The thing Damon’s been preaching since Season Two – moderation, not abstinence – looks like it’s going to be the real “cure”, and Stefan doesn’t show any sign of losing his edge. This is perfect, as far as I’m concerned.

The final bedroom scene was amazing. When Elena said that Rebekah loved blindly and recklessly, even if it consumed her… was that self awareness? Two weeks in a row? It’s like Elena is a real live character! And when she turned the lights off, and Damon watched her fall asleep? I could hear the girl-boners popping across America.

Well done, show. Well done.