Vampire Diaries – S03E09 – Homecoming

Mikael: Okay, since you people absolutely suck at planning, here’s what we’re going to do: Stefan and Damon claim to have vervained me, and then Elena claims to have daggered me while I was otherwise distracted. Then Stefan calls Klaus and tells him to come collect my corpse.

Elena Gilbert: In a rare moment of awareness, I have spotted a flaw in your clever plan! What happens if Klaus compels Stefan into telling him the truth?

Mikael: Ah, therein lies the brilliance of my plan! You see, you’ll actually dagger me, and then undagger me as soon as Klaus is on the way!

Elena Gilbert: And if we just leave the dagger in? Because we’re really fond of leaving the dagger in on this show?

Mikael: Then you’ll never find the Magical Stake of Klaus Killing I have cleverly hidden in my jacket!

Damon Salvatore: This man is a genius!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, you’ve convinced me! Gimme that dagger… it’ll be good practice or later tonight.

Rebekah: Wait, what?

The Lady of the Manor: I love that they verb nouns. I do that all the time.

Mikael: Hi Rebekah! It’s so good to see you again!

Rebekah: Oh no, no touching reunion scene for you! I hate you! You gave me immortality, and eternal beauty, and invincibility, and super strength and speed and senses, and… no, wait, that’s actually kind of awesome, and I’m no longer sure why I’m mad at you. But I am! Pout!

Mikael: …Hoooookay then. Say, where’s my dagger?

Rebekah: Oh, Elena has it. She said something about “Shiving Barbie from behind.” I think it’s some kinky sex game or something.

Mikael: Truly, the twenty-first century is not our time.

Elena Gilbert: I don’t have a pretty dress for homecoming! My life sucks! Pout!

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, I was going to take my boyfriend to homecoming, but then he went all Patrick Swayze on me and did the nasty with his dead girlfriends, forcing me to perform a ritual that sent my Grams and most of the awesome characters from the first two seasons back to hell.

Elena Gilbert: And I don’t have any pretty shoes! Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys! I’ve been thinking about this whole “let’s kill Klaus’ plan, and since the rest of my life depends on it working perfectly, and since you guys couldn’t plan your way to McDonald’s, I figured I’d offer my services.

Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry, bro! I have a super secret contingency plan!

Elena Gilbert: And I’m making grenades!

Stefan Salvatore: …

Damon Salvatore: It’s cool, I’m going to knock her out and hide her in the bathroom in like ten minutes.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! We should ditch school and go eat someone! Rebecca knows a few people who get off on that sort of thing!

Caroline Forbes: One, I don’t think your mother would approve of me getting into a weird vampire threesome with her son.

Thomas: I totally want to get caught in a weird vampire threesome.

Caroline Forbes: And two, Rebekah is an evil blood slut, and you shouldn’t see her anymore!

Thomas: Evil Blood Sluts is a great name for a band.

The Lady of the Manor: Rebekah’s dress is horrible.

Rebekah: Hi Elena! I’m a thousand year old, stone-cold killer, but I regret the fact that I’ve never gone to a high school dance! Also, be careful around Mikael! You can’t trust anyone in my family!

Elena Gilbert: I don’t! And speaking of… Dagger!

The Lady of the Manor: …At least we don’t have to look at that dress anymore.

Damon Salvatore: Damn girl, way to Katherine that bitch! You really stuck it to her, you know what I mean? (I mean you stuck a knife in her back.)

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried that my emotions (or my incredibly horrible instincts) will interfere with our clever plan!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, about that…

Caroline Forbes: Oh no! All of these fire trucks and police cars! Who died?

Tyler Lockwood: Oh, no one died… it’s just a water main break. The gym’s flooded, and the dance is canceled, but everyone is alive.

Caroline Forbes: It’s even worse than I thought!

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! As part of my continuing quest to lead a normal life, I’m here to take the evil blood slut to homecoming!

Elena Gilbert: So there’s a really funny story I need to tell you…

The Lady of the Manor: Matt’s backup date needs to be Damon.

Caroline Forbes: …How did they arrange a live band and catering for five hundred in ten minutes?

Tyler Lockwood: Oh, Klaus has been setting this up for weeks ever since he got off the phone with Stefan, like an hour ago!

Klaus: Hi everybody!

Tyler Lockwood: He’s gonna murder everyone. Sheepish grin.

Matt Donovan: It’s really weird that the two of us came to homecoming together, isn’t it?

Elena Gilbert: …Yes, I know exactly the circumstances and/or irony of which you speak.

Caroline Forbes: Hi guys! My asshat boyfriend threw a coming out party for a serial killer!

Elena Gilbert: I need to find Damon.

Matt Donovan: I need a drink.

Caroline Forbes: I need better friends.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! What’s the plan, now that Mikael is dead?

Klaus: Well, since our father is no longer a threat, I’m going to un-dagger my whole family. And the fact that I murdered their daddy will make them run to me with open arms, and totally forgive me for carting them around in coffins for the last few centuries.

Stefan Salvatore: Even Elijah?

Klaus: Oh, no, we’re leaving the dagger in him. I enjoy fucking with the fans too much. Anyway, where’s Mikael’s corpse?

Stefan Salvatore: Tell you what: I’ll take you to your father, if you un-compel me afterward.

Klaus: Let’s see… I murdered your girlfriend, and almost murdered your brother, then turned you into a raving, psychotic serial killer… yep, having you as a free agent sounds like a great idea!

Stefan Salvatore: :-)=

Damon Salvatore: So Mikael, what’s up with the whole om nom nom vampires thing?

Mikael: Oh you know, I regret unleashing a torrent of evil upon the earth, swore to atone for my sins, and vows a life of self-denial.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys! Klaus is at the Lockwoods’ and he-

Mikael: Om nom nom vampire!

Damon Salvatore: …Okay, let’s go shove that hunk of magic wood into your son’s heart hole!

Tyler Lockwood: Man, my mom would freak out if she saw all these people! I mean, weve never had a party at the house before!

Klaus: Oh, don’t worry about that… I compelled her to go to church and pray for your friends. You know, because my hybrid army is going to murder everyone here in the bloodiest manner possible. You might actually want to get the people you care about out of here. I don’t think having their arms ripped off by a Portland Werepire would be good for them.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Klaus knows all about your little plan, and I think you should call it off before he murders you to death!

Caroline Forbes: I don’t know anything about any plan, and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you! You’re playing for Team Klaus! And you smell like wet dog!

Tyler Lockwood: Oh yeah? Well you smell like vervain roofies! Vervain roofies!

Klaus: Hi Elena! Say, you sure are nervous around me! It’s almost like I murdered you a few months ago or something!

Elena Gilbert: Nope, not nervous, no siree, calm as a a Hindu cow over here.

Klaus: Also, nice hair! When did you start wearing it wavy…?

“Furry” Joe Franklin: Hi Damon! You’re not allowed in here, on account of you being a vampire!

Damon Salvatore: Hi assface! You know that whole “hybrids are unkillable murder machines” thing? Turns out that only applies to Klaus! Heartrip!

Thomas: <3

The Lady of the Manor: Rip! Rip! Rip!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Matt! I assaulted your former girlfriend, and left her laying here on the floor. Any chance I could get you to help me hide the body?

Matt Donovan: …This is the most normal thing that’s happened to me all season.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Tyler! I just learned that Werepires die really good from cardioectomies! Asskick!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Damon! I can prevent Team Forwood from burning down the CW studios with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Whatever. I’m going to go murder Klaus with this enchanted Chia pet.

The Only Black Person in Mystic Falls not Descended from Ayana: Hi Klaus! Your daddy’s here! And he’s alive!

Klaus: Okay then! I’ll go out front and murder him, while you guys go out back and murder the entire high school!

Klaus: Hi Daddy! If you don’t get the eff out of here, I’m going to have my pack of werepires rip you apart!

Mikael: Yeah, that would be terrifying, if I hadn’t already mind-whammied them into performing fellatio on me. Also: I have your Magic Blood Bank, and if you don’t come out here and fight like a man, I’m going to kill the only means you have of creating more werepires.

Klaus: Please! Even though you were an asshole Viking your entire life, and even though you almost rammed a sword through my heart because I had the audacity to have fun with my brother, and even though you’re such an evil bastard that I, Klaus, the evilest evil that ever did evil, have been running from you for the last millenium, I know there’s no way you’d kill this girl you’ve known for all of ten minutes, and who daggered two of your kids! Bluff called!

The Lady of the Manor: They know that’s Katherine, right?

Mikael: Stab!

Elena Gilbert: Dies.

Klaus: …Poop.

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon ramming the Magic Stake of Klaus Killing into Klaus’ heart general stomach region powers activate!

Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! I have werewolf grenades!

The CW: And we have a very tiny effects buget!

The Werepire Army: And we have very bad skin rashes!

The Lady of the Manor: Told you it was Katherine.

Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan tackling my brother and making sure he doesn’t kill Klaus – or himself! – powers activate!

Klaus: Super werepire taking the Magic Stake of Klaus Killing and shoving it through my dick hole of a father’s black heart powers activate!

Julie Plec: So, how exactly should we make sure the viewers know Mikael is dead-dead, and not just dagger-style-dead?

Kevin Williamson: Rename him Elijah?

Julie Plec: No, I’m thinking something less subtle.

Kevin Williamson: We could have him fucking explode.

Julie Plec: I like it!

Mikael: Fucking explodes.

Klaus: Thanks Stefan! Way to be a bro! You’re officially free from my compulsion.

Damon Salvatore: Hey look at that over there what the hell is that super Damon getting the fuck out of here powers activate!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Sorry I stabbed you full of battery acid. Wanna sex now?

Caroline Forbes: Yes I do… your mother.

Tyler Lockwood: That’s cool. I’m gonna go give Klaus a blowie and celebrate the fact that the full moon will no longer cause my elbow joints to leave my body by way of my anus. I’ll be around, in case you decide you need a little penis in your life.

Caroline Forbes: Snicker.

Tyler Lockwood: …A big penis in your life.

Damon Salvatore: God damn it! I spent like fifteen minutes on this plan, and it still backfired! Now Klaus is free, the only guy who could have killed him is dead, and my brother is gone for good!

The Lady of the Manor: Aw, don’t be sad, Damon’s Eyebrows!

Elena Gilbert: It’s okay, Damon! We don’t need Stefan anymore! We have each other! Tender face touch!

Team Delena: Fucking explodes.

Katherine Pierce (on the phone): Hi Damon! Just wanted to say I’m getting the fuck out of Dodge! See you in a decade or so!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Katherine! Thanks for cluing me in to the fact that Klaus’ hybrids would have ripped Damon to tiny shreds if the plan had worked! If you hadn’t touched me in the naughty spot my emotional center, I would have lost my brother!

Katherine Pierce: Yeah, well, he’s good in the sack. Besides, I know you two have a bro-yay thing going on, and I really didn’t want to watch you emo out for the next seventy years. So, wanna go grave robbing with me?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Klaus! Thanks for murdering my girlfriend, threatening my brother, turning me into a raving psychotic, and setting me free! By the way, I stole your coffin collection, and I’m going to un-dagger everyone that isn’t Elijah. See you on January Fifth!

The Plot: Thickens

My favorite part of this episode is how I don’t have to deal with the weird-ass spelling of Mikael’s name anymore.

Speaking of: I know we’re always talking about how this show burns through plots like it’s got a six-pack-a-day habit, but HOLY SHIT. This show didn’t just burn through the Daddy Original plot in record time, it completely subverted our expectations, too.

So what? You ask. TVD is always subverting out expectations.

And you’re right, they do. But that’s mostly because we’re kind of dumb, and keep expecting them to follow a traditional plot, while they actually end up following a traditional TVD plot. And the most traditional TVD plot of all? The problem is worse than the solution.

In Season One, Katherine was the Big Bad looming over everything. But then Elijah came along, and Katherine wasn’t such a big threat anymore. But then Klaus came along, and Elijah was suddenly Team Elena.

I had every expectation that Mikael was going to minimize or eliminate the Klaus threat, and take his place as the Big Bad. The pieces were all there: Klaus was afraid of him, Mikael had a weapon that could kill Klaus, and Mikael was a raging dick-hole assbag that had proven willing to murder everyone on Team Elena if it helped him achieve his goals, like getting a good parking spot at Mystic Grill.

But guys? This show. The writers took all of these (awesome) plot lines – family angst, a Klaus v Mikael showdown, Team Elena figuring out how to deal with Mikael – and gleefully lit them on fire… along with Mikael’s dead-for-sure corpse.

Every week I think I have this show figured out, and every week, Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec pat me on the head, give me a cookie, and call me an idiot.

Some other quick points:

Elena is a badass, and I love this. I love that she knew Rebekah couldn’t be trusted, and took steps to eliminate that threat. And I love Rebekah, don’t get me wrong. But I love seeing Elena – who just last week was almost making friends with Rebekah – being forced into a moral gray zone even more. And I also love that she had enough self-awareness to realize that she was the weak link in this plan, and willingly took herself out of play. Idiot!Elena from last season would have never made that choice.

Mikael noming on Stefan was a nice, subtle way to foreshadow Katherine’s lack of being dead. Well played, show, well played.

Also: I am not attracted to Elena, but I am attracted to Katherine. It’s crazy. Nina Dobrev is amazing.

Stefan got an injection of genre awareness along with his bad attitude. I absolutely love him this season. He’s become the voice of the audience, calling Team Elena out on their incredibly shitty plans, and hanging a lampshade on the fact that every single school dance ends up with Elena in mortal danger. Stefan can reform all he wants, and as long as he keeps this attitude I will welcome him with open arms.

And was that a non-witch black person? Maybe even an African Werepire? Thank you. Finally. Thank you. I mean, it wasn’t a huge role, but it’s a semi-important, speaking part where someone with dark skin had something besides melanin or magic to offer. That’s really all we’ve been asking for.

A bunch of people have written to me complaining about the plot holes in this episode. All I can say is… you must be a lot smarter than me, because I didn’t spot any. Actually, I thought it was really clever the way all of the rules and precedents came together in the end. But if I’m overlooking something, leave a comment here and we can discuss it.

This show really is something. There isn’t another show on television that packs as much drama, danger, and mythology into a single hour. Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec, and the writing staff should all be proud of what they’ve created, and the actors? This show, this teenage vampire show on the CW, has the best cast on the air right now. It’s unbelievable.

Finally: we’ve come to another hellatus, six long, Vampire Diaries -free weeks. And if you’re looking for a way to pass the time, I have a humble suggestion:

My debut novel, Sire, is up for sale on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and SmashWords, and the paperback is coming in a week or so.

I’m proud of, and excited for, this story, and I hope you will be, too. If you want to check it out over the break, I’d be honored, and maybe in December we can have a book-club type discussion here on the blog.

Thank you all for reading, commenting, and re-tweeting these recaps. You guys are why I write these, and the love you’ve shown me has made the effort I put in totally worth it. I’ll see you all on Twitter, I’ll see those of you who decide to give Sire a try at the book club, and I’ll see all of you on January Fifth.

Update: I forgot to add The Lady’s commentary; that oversight has been corrected.

Update:

Here’s how I think the whole compeled/feeling/no feelings thing works:

Vampires in general are able to chose whether or not they feel human emotions. So if the pain of watching everyone you know grow old and die, or the guilt of killing in order to survive, or just the boredom of going to high school when your one hundred and sixty years old gets to be too much, they can “flip the switch” and turn those emotions off.

And it seems like it’s an all-or-nothing thing. Either you have all of you human emotions, or you have none of them. So Stefan wouldn’t be able to turn off the guilt from his recent ripper spree but turn on his love for Elena.

Before she died, Rose also said that the switch wasn’t one-hundred percent effective, that human emotion will still bubble up to the surface even if you’ve switched them off. That’s what Stefan is experiencing right now: his love for Damon is fighting its way up to the surface, but it’s also bringing all of Stefan’s guilt along with it, leaving Stefan kind of a mess.

Klaus compeled Stefan twice: one to turn off his emotions, and once to do whatever Klaus said. When Klaus set Stefan free, it undid both of those spells, so now Stefan is able to disobey Klaus and chose whether or not to turn on his emotions.

Update:

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about this, so to clarify: the Magic Dagger had a spell placed on it that would kill any (ordinary) vampire that used it. So if Damon daggered Klaus, Damon would have died. The Originals, however, are exempt from that spell, so Klaus can dagger anyone he pleases.

The Magic Stake, on the other hand, doesn’t have that same spell, so anyone can use it to kill an original without being harmed.

My theory as to why this is? The dagger was created by Mama Original, who wanted a way for the Original Family to police themselves… but didn’t want anyone else to have an advantage over them. But the stake was created by Mikael, who has no magic powers, and was therefore unable to place a similar spell on it.

Update:

More questions on why Katherine was afraid of the Werepire Pack. My thoughts:

The loyalty a werepire feels toward their Sire survives the Sire’s death. Klaus didn’t compel the werepires to kill Damon, he just asked them to. And just like Tyler willingly opened up his home for a potential bloodbath, the werepires were more than happy to kill Damon for Klaus.

Mikael could have compeled the werepires not to kill Damon, but Katherine had no reason to believe he had – or would – do so. Mikel didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself, and Katherine isn’t the type to risk Damon’s life on Mikael’s good intentions.

We know that even a single werepire bite is fatal to a vampire, which is why Stefan needed Klaus’ blood to heal when he got bitten in the woods. So while damon was able to take out a single werepire, expecting Team Elena to take out a dozen or more of them without a single werepire scoring a single hit? There’s just no way. If Team Elena had taken on Team Klaus, at least one of the vampires would have gone down. And Katherine loves Stefan, Damon, and herself too much to risk it.

That’s why Katherine foiled the Let’s Kill Klaus plan.