Vampire Diaries – S03E10 – The New Deal

Summer had come and gone. Winter was setting in, and a graveyard chill hung in the air. We retreated to the warmth of our living rooms, the comfort of our couches, seeking respite from the cold.

But no comfort was to be had. Team Elena’s last, great plan to defeat their nemesis had failed. Stefan, Elena’s one-time lover, had overcome Klaus’ compulsion … but hadn’t regained his nobility. Elena was inconsolable. Damon took solace in the bottle. Alaric was probably grading history papers in a bar.

And then the unthinkable happened. Our loved ones were snatched from us by the cruel hands of the scheduling gods.

The hellatus had arrived.

We sought shelter in our memories, recounting our favorite moments, and quickly being told exactly why those cherished events were as stupid as we are. We plied our time in other worlds, other mythologies, hoping to ease the pain.

But the pain just wouldn’t go away.

Even the snow refused to fall, as if nature itself was grieving our loss.

And then, on a night that came sooner than any of us had dared hope, we heard these five wonderful words …

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Welcome to the rest of Season Three of The Vampire Diaries! I’ll be your host tonight, and lead you on a grand tour of this burned out old mortuary, complete with a bevy of immortal murder machine bearing coffins! And hey, is Klaus holding on to the Magic Necklace of Certain Doom?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, that’s the last time I eat pepperoni pizza before bed.

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena slayer training early morning run powers activate!

A Creepy Ass Guy in an Evil Hoodie: Hi Elena! I’ll be your stalker this morning!

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena running like a scared little bunny powers activate!

A Creepy Ass Guy in an Evil Hoodie: Just kidding! I’m your totally normal neighbor who you just haven’t met yet, despite living in this neighborhood for the last four years.

Elena Gilbert: I fell like I’m going insane! I was totally wigged out by this guy, just because he was dressed all in black and had a mean look on his face and was running right at me! And then the mailman came and said “package for Miss Gilbert” but I thought he said “I practiced this and it’s gonna hurt” so I shot him with Alaric’s stake gun! And then the guy at Starbucks asked “cream and sugar?” but I thought he said “chaos and murder?” so I blew him up with an anti-werewolf grenade!

Bonnie Bennet: You think you’re nuts? I’ve been having bad dreams!

Elena Gilbert: …

Bonnie Bennet: The same bad dream over and over, where I’m in the Home for Immolated Wiccans, and it’s filled with coffins, and Klaus is in one, and he’s holding the Magic Necklace of Certain Doom, and that’s really scary for some reason, and then I wake up!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, maybe the fact that you’re having the same dream over and over again, about a very mystical spot and your very magical nemesis, is some kind of witchy prophetic dream type thingie!

Bonnie Bennet: …Nah, that’s a bit too unbelievable for me.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, you’re right, it’s way more likely that a dead vampire came back from the grave after your bring my boyfriend back to life spell rent the veil between worlds and then she planted that dream in your head because she lost her earrings and she can’t rest until you find them for her.

Bonnie Bennet: Right?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! I have assembled a collection of fifteen different kinds of alcohols, each of them specifically chosen to bunt the emotional effects of being literally stabbed in the back by your beloved brother! And since it’s eleven AM, I assume it’s time for you to start drinking!

Alaric Saltzman: Not now, Damon! Can’t you see I’m grading papers in a bar?

Not Now Dana: Hey, that’s my line!

Damon Salvatore: Come on Alaric! If I drink all of this by myself, I’m going to take my clothes off!

Expendable Waitress #142: Drink! Drink! Drink!

Damon Salvatore: And it would be way more fun if we both took our clothes off!

Team Dalaric: Drink! Drink! Drink!

Alaric Saltzman: Not now, Damon! I have to set up a subplot about Jeremy’s return to Emotown!

Jeremy Gilbert: So what are we doing out here?

Tyler Lockwood: Re-establishing some basic facts, like the fact that I’m a werepire, and that I can only be killed if you cut out my heart or cut off my head, and that I was dating Caroline and you were dating Bonnie, and that Mystic Falls either has very lenient adoption laws or Alaric is your completely illegal guardian, and that I’m Klaus’ bitch, and that I can snatch arrows out of the air.

Jeremy Gilbert: Okay, so I should like shoot you now, right?

Tyler Lockwood: …Yes.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m worried about Jeremy! He’s moody and sullen and listless and directionless and unmotivated and unwashed and uncouth and he’s a pot head and a beer swiller and a truant!

Damon Salvatore: You could have saved a lot of syllables by just saying “he’s sixteen.”

Elena Gilbert: But he’s also been orphaned by a plot device and romanced by a vampire and murdered by the sheriff and brought back to life by his girlfriend and haunted haunted by his exes!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, “sixteen year old in Mystic Falls.” There’s a support group for that. It meets in the cemetery, where they’re all reminded to shut up and be thankful for being one of the dozens of people that I have personally murdered since I came back to town, let alone the rest of the traveling homicides that come through here.

Elena Gilbert: Also you broke his neck.

Damon Salvatore: I am never going to live that down, am I?

Elena Gilbert: Nope! Also, you’re day drunk! That’s not attractive!

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? What is attractive?

Team Delena: Naked naked naked!

Klaus: Hi guys! This is Tony, who you might know as “that creepy sonofabitch that was stalking Elena this morning!” Also, I would like to know the location of my sister and Stefan and my family, and if you don’t help me find all of those things I’m going to murder things until you beg me to accept your humble offers of information and scones. Seriously, I haven’t had a scone in centuries.

The Lady of the Manor: Klaus and Damon should have a foosball battle to the death.

Bonnie Bennet: I know how to get to the bottom of these weird dreams! I’ll wander into the house that’s haunted by immensely powerful spirits who are personally angry at me for upsetting the balance of nature, making sure not to tell anyone where I am and also leaving my cell phone in Nebraska!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! Just wanted to let you know that I stole all of Klaus’ semi-dead relatives, and that he’s probably going to deal with his anger by murdering everyone I’ve ever talked to. I’ve already told the guy at Burger Hut to leave town, but I figured you might want to know, too.

Bonnie Bennet: …

Stefan Salvatore: Also, do you know any good “hide a bunch of coffins from an unkillable violence engine” spells? Because that would be so handy right now.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I was hoping to yell at you like I’m your mother!

Jeremy Gilbert: Aw, that’s too bad, because I was hoping to invite in a hybrid Klaus-kisser!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi guys! :-)=

Alaric Saltzman: …That went differently in my head.

Klaus: Hi Damon! I just stopped by for a drink! How’s the plotting and the scheming?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you know me. I never miss the chance to plan another epic failure. How’s the crazy backstabbing sister?

Klaus: About as well as your psycho backstabbing brother. Fancy a bit of brandy?

Elena Gilbert: Does something smell like wet dog? I smell wet dog.

Tyler Lockwood: Real nice, Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Say, what does Klaus’ butt smell like when you sniff it? I bet you think it smells really nice.

Tyler Lockwood: …

Elena Gilbert: Does he get mad when you hump his leg? Is he all like “Tyler, no! I told you to go murder Jeremy, but here you are, humping my leg!”?

Tyler Lockwood: …

Alaric Saltzman: Anyway, what’s the difference between siring and compulsion?

Tyler Lockwood: Well, compulsion makes you do things you don’t want to do. Siring makes you want to do things that you shouldn’t do!

Elena Gilbert: Like pee on the carpet!

Tyler Lockwood: Like rip your own heart out because it would make him happy!

Elena Gilbert: Well this went to a creepy place real fast. Say, does Klaus rub your belly when you’ve been a good boy?

Damon Salvatore: So what did my brother do to piss you off so bad?

Klaus: Oh, nothing special, he just stole the bodies of my entire family.

Damon Salvatore: …Crap.

Klaus: And since you’re the only person in the world with a chance at finding him, I figured I’d murder Jeremy as an incentive. And if you come through for me, maybe I’ll murder Bonnie, too!

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Elena Gilbert: Well that was entertaining. I sure hope nothing horrible happens to any of my loved ones in the next seven seconds!

Jeremy Gilbert: Durr I’m going to stand in the middle of the road durr!

Tony the Hybrid Driving Hybrid: Beware my evil Prius! Vroom!

Alaric Saltzman: Super history teacher immortal ring wearing stupid teenager shoving hit by a car getting powers activate!

Tony the Hybrid Driving Hybrid: It looks like Alaric … hit the road. YEAH!

Elena Gilbert: Jeremy, you’re grounded. Alaric, you’re … dead, but that’ll probably wear off. Elena, you can have an emotional breakdown right after you’re done shouldering the emotional burden of this entire assbag town.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Klaus! How’d things go with Jeremy!

Klaus: Really good! I mean, Tony ran over Alaric, who’s kind of immortal, instead of Jeremy, who’s kind of Elena’s brother, but whatevs.

Tyler Lockwood: Wait, I thought you were going to send them a warning?

Klaus: Well, yeah, a “this is what will happen to all of your loved ones if you don’t do exactly what I want” warning. God, newbiepires are such a drag.

Tyler Lockwood: I’m having sudden moral reservations!

Damon Salvatore: So let me catch up: Tyler was hanging out with Jeremy so that he could be used as leverage in order to convince us to reclaim Klaus’ daggered siblings from my psycho brother. That about sum it up?

Jeremy Gilbert: We are all so dead. Like, seriously, it’s a miracle we made it out of Season One. I’m gonna go pack a bag and eat a bowl of Aspirin.

Elena Gilbert: Wait! I have a fantastic plan! Let’s yank the dagger out of Rebekah so she’ll go back to Klaus and make him happy again!

Damon Salvatore: Rebekah? You mean the Rebekah you revealed crushing truths to, consoled in her pain, pretended to befriend, and then literally stabbed in the back? You want to bring her back to life?

Elena Gilbert: Yep!

Damon Salvatore: I am seriously bothered by how often I have to be the voice of reason these days.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Bonnie! I just learned some fascinating details about your dream! To whit: it’s not a dream! Also Klaus tried to murder my family again.

Bonnie Bennet: Funny story, but I also learned some interesting facts about my dream! To whit: I think I have a crush on Stefan.

The Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches: Hi Damon! We still hate you, so we’re going to turn off your Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight!

Damon Salvatore: …I’ll wait in the car.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! You being here means that Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets!

The Lady of the Manor: Welcome to the show, Stefan. Bonnie sucks at everything.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan I miss you Stefan and I need your help Stefan Klaus tried to murder my brother and he wants his family back and since you have his family back I was thinking maybe we could solve this problem by giving the indestructible slaughter apparatus everything he wants because that always works out so well for us and also maybe I’ll let you feel a boob because Damon isn’t even trying and it’s been a really long time and a girl has needs you know what I mean but really I need my family to not die so let’s do this thing okay?

Stefan Salvatore: Elena? Stop talking.

Vast Sections of the Internet: Agree hardily.

Elena Gilbert: You can go to hell!

The Lady of the Manor: Um, honey? He’s a vampire. That ship has kinda sailed.

Damon Salvatore: Maybe I can reason with him… Super Damon running really fast so the sun doesn’t burn me as much as it would if I was casually taking a stroll through a blazing inferno powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, fine, what do you want to talk about?

Damon Salvatore: Talk? Who said I wanted to talk? I’d rather stick pointy bits of wood into your stomach until you apologize for stabbing me in the back. Gustab!

Stefan Salvatore: Um, you do know that I did all that stuff to save your life, right?

Damon Salvatore: …Huh. Gutstab.I hate being saved.

Tyler Lockwood: Hey man, Sorry about almost getting you dead.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey bro, sorry about shooting you in the face with a crossbow.

Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?

Jeremy Gilbert: Twoink!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! I’m feeling much wharg oh god why are my insides becoming my outsides this wasn’t part of the plan oh the is painful oh so very painful living with my dead girlfriend’s children was a horrible mistake wasn’t it?

Tony the Tiger Hybrid: Hi Elena! Sorry about your dying step-whatever-father, but if you invite me inside, I’d be happy to give him some tasty healing

Jeremy Gilbert: Twoink!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! We need

Jeremy Gilbert: Thunk!

Elena Gilbert: To cut that guy’s head off. Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to say. Also: we should probably get Alaric to a hospital.

Damon Salvatore: So, I wold like to join Operation: Klauskill.

Stefan Salvatore: And why should I let you onto my team?

Damon Salvatore: Because Klaus is evil, devious, and vicious, and so am I, and you’re kind of dumb?

Stefan Salvatore: …Good point! I had the Ghost Witches hid the coffins in the mortuary. Don’t tell anyone!

Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! The fact that your grievous internal injuries have righted themselves over the course of a few hours makes me think that perhaps there is something special about you!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey baby, I’ll show you something special. (Hint: it’s my penis.)

Meredith Fell: Mr Saltzman! What’s your secret? Guardian angel, or did you sell your soul to the devil?

Alaric Saltzman: A little of both.

The Lady of the Manor: “A little of both.” </clint-eastwood>

Elena Gilbert: Hi Klaus! I couldn’t find Stefan for you, so I decided to make a terrible mistake!

Klaus: You’ve decided to date Matt again?

Elena Gilbert: Nope! I’m going to give you Rebekah! I’m the one who daggered her, so she kinda wants me dead. On the other hand, I told her what you did to your mother, so she wants youdead, too!

Klaus: …Wait, how did you figure out a seret that I’ve kept hidden from her for a thousand years?

Elena Gilbert: I read Hebrew Viking runes!

Klaus: Fucking Hebrew Viking runes. They’re always more trouble than they’re worth.

Jeremy Gilbert: So, magic ring?

Alaric Saltzman: Kinda broken.

Jeremy Gilbert: Damon’s blood?

Alaric Saltzman: Kinda tasty.

Jeremy Gilbert: The subtle yet unmistakable homoerotic tension whenever you two are in the same room?

Alaric Saltzman: Delicious.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m done mopping up blood off my floor again! Since this happens like three times a week, I was thinking we should replace the hardwood with linoleum!

Damon Salvatore: You know what you need? Some smoldering comfort!

Klaus: Hi Rebekah! So glad I have you back! Daggeryank!

Rebekah: Twitch! Convulse! Resuscitate!

Klaus: But since you’re probably going to try to murder me, daggerjab!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Jeremy! We’ve had a discussion without involving you in any way, and we’ve made some very important decisions about your life!

Elena Gilbert: For example, you’re leaving town!

Alaric Saltzman: And never coming back!

Elena Gilbert: And you’re going to forget all about the threat Klaus poses to you and those around you!

Alaric Saltzman: And you certainly won’t warn your new friends that they’re in danger just by being around you!

Damon Salvatore: Also, you’re going to take your pants off and run around singing Never Say Neverin your best Justin Bieber voice.

Elena Gilbert: …

Alaric Saltzman: …

Damon Salvatore: Okay, not that last part. Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Jeremy Gilbert: Durr I’m going to move to Colorado and endanger hundreds of fascinating new people durr!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! Here are all the coffins! Including this one, which won’t open even if I attack it with a crowbar, chainsaw, semtex, flamethrower, or rocket launcher!

Bonnie Bennet: It must be sealed with a spell!

Stefan Salvatore: …You think?

Elena Gilbert: I’m sad about sending my brother away! But I’m grateful that you’re always here to comfort me.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, well, um, Stefan actually didn’t screw us over, exactly, as much as he saved my life, and also I have no penis because I have cock-blocked myself into a eunuch.

Thomas: Damon you pussy just kiss her!

Damon Salvatore: Well… okay! Smootch!

Elena Gilbert: Smootch!

The Twitters: Explode

The Plot: Thickens

Welcome back good television!

Sorry this recap is so late; I have a lot going on at work right now, and I’ve been working late. Also, I’m out of the recapping habit, and this one took me so much longer than usual to write. Anyway:

I think this episode did a good job of reminding viewers of the status quo while also moving the plot forward.

I don’t know why Klaus holding the Magic Necklace of Doom was such a shocking moment that it woke Bonnie up out of a deep sleep. And speaking of: you can’t believe that there’s anything supernatural about your recurring supernatural dream? You’re a witch. Your best friend just broke up with a vampire, and is about the shag another vampire. You know a werewolf who was turned into a werepire. This is not the least believable thing you have been told. This is probably not the least believable thing you have been told since breakfast.

Klaus is intimidating as all hell. Not physically he’s like a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet but because he’s such a loose cannon. He’s Evil!Damon writ large. Did he drop by for a drink, or to slaughter seventeen people and make a necklace out of their coronary arteries? You can never tell.

I’m glad that they cleared up the difference between Siring and Compulsion, and spelled out exactly what would kill a werepire. But the Gilbert House needs a doormat that just says “no.” Seriously, Jeremy? Find a way to rebel that doesn’t put everyone you love in grave mortal danger.

Stefan is a dick, and it is glorious. He wasn’t as funny in this episode as he was in the fall finale, but he’s still got that … weight. Paul is a fantastic actor, and he is killing this role.

I’m glad that Elena is keeping up with her slayer training. At least I assume that’s what she was doing … she had an awfully serious look on her face if she was just out for a casual jog.

Now, the most important event of the show: the kiss.

My Twitter stream was goddamn glorious when that happened. Seriously, a dozen people were all like “and the internets explode.” My favorite was probably Carina MacKenzie‘s “#twittergoesboom”

Also: Julie Plec tweeted: “West coasters, beware a monumental spoiler that is about to happen. Get off Twitter if you care. #tvd” I love that the producers on this show love the fans so much, and are so in contact with them. That’s classy.

The moment was so well played. I had honestly thought Damon had successfully cock-blockd himself (again), and that we weren’t going to get anything more than another Delena forehead touch. Well played, TVD, well played.

I have to say that I’m impressed with how willing this show is to move forward and take risks. I thought they were going to drag Delena out forever, and possibly never give us an actual Delena moment. I should know by now that I can never anticipate what the TVD folks are going to do next.

I’m not a Delena shipper; for the most part, I think Elena has been played too weak to be a legitimate partner to Damon. But I have to say, they’ve been selling the hell out of Delena’s growing intimacy, and the entire thing has felt natural, almost inevitable. And Elena has been drastically improved this season. This Elena is smart, tough, and sexy, and someone I can actually see Damon treating like a equal.

I don’t ship Delena, but I’ve certainly been enjoying them.

All in all? Well played, TVD. I’m glad you’re back.

Update:

As to who’s in the locked coffin? The logical choice would be Mama Original, but, we already know she’s not a vampire, and that her spirit is on the “other side.” Maybe she somehow had her body preserved, and is trying to fight her way back into it?

Regardless, the fact that Klaus was clutching her Magic Necklace of Doom is a pretty good hint as to what’s going to finally take him down. Mother issues … they’ll kill ya.

As to Alaric’s ring: they’ve been hinting for a while now that it’s losing it’s effectiveness. It’s been taking longer and longer for him to come back, and now he doesn’t come back entirely healed? My bet is that we’re watching a mini-retcon, and that the rings will protect you from any kind of death, but only so many times. Which would mean Elena’s father died not because he was in a car accident (kinda like Alaric was) but because he was out of extra lives.

Update Part Two:

Up above I said that “Elena has been drastically improved this season. This Elena is smart, tough, and sexy, and someone I can actually see Damon treating like a equal.” I wanted to point out that Damon has grown, too … into someone that could see anyone as an equal. He’s still brash, arrogant, and reckless, but he’s not (quite) as superior as he was in the previous seasons. Not only could Elena be his equal, but Damon has grown to the point where he could recognize that fact.