TM
Vampire Diaries – S03E14 – Dangerous Liaisons
Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! I’m pretty much only here to remind the audience that Alaric is in the hospital and that there’s a murderer on the lose! See you at the party I don’t know about yet!
Rebekah: Hi Elena! Remember how you broke through my cold exterior and touched the humanity I had thought long lost? And how I cried in front of you, and you tried to comfort me? And how you helped me pick out clothes, and told me the truth about my mother, and promised to help free me from the terror of my asshole father and psychotic brother? And then, when I let my guard down and allowed myself to trust you, you drove a magic dagger through my back and into my heart, dragged me into a dungeon, tossed me in a coffin, and sent me back to my brother?
Elena Gilbert: …Poop.
Elijah: Hi Rebekah! I’m here to stop you from killing Elena, because her tasty magic blood is probably still the cause of and/or solution to all of our problems!
Rebekah: Pout.
Elena Gilbert: So yeah, the Original Witch was in the Magic Coffin of Only Opening When It Serves the Plot, and she said she wants to live in peace with her family and the people of Mystic Falls.
Damon Salvatore: …
Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon and Stefan Salvatore: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Elena Gilbert: What? What’s so funny? I don’t get it. Pout.
The Lady of the Manor: They used a free font off the internet. They can afford to hire a calligrapher. God. </fontsnob>
Esther (in a note): Dear Elena, Please join me for an evening of pretty dresses, petty insults, broken promises, broken necks, blood magic and wild hate sex. Dinner starts at Seven, and my boys are hungry, so please wear something skimpy and don’t be late. -xoxo The Evil Bitch Who Will Soon Be Murdering You All
Elena Gilbert: Hey guys? The Originals want us to come over for cocktails! And I don’t know about you, but I trust them not to harm us!
Klaus: Hi Rebekah! So I hear you went after my Werepire Blood Supply last night! And I also hear that you’d like to spend the next century with a magic dagger in your heart!
Kol: Really? You plan on daggering someone? Because I have six cans of whoop-ass that says the only one sticking anything into Rebekah tonight is Damon Salvatore.
Esther: Yeah, if we can all stop with the “thousand year old child” routine? That would be sweet.
Klaus: But mooooooooooom, she almost broke my tooooooooy.
Esther: Yeah, and you rammed magic metal into their chests and carted them around in boxes for a few centuries. No one’s perfect here, so let’s forgive and forget. Now! Who are you bringing to the ball?
Klaus: Mooooooom! Girls are icky! They have cooties! Blushes.
Stefan Salvatore: So, who wants to throw Elena to the lions?
Elena Gilbert: Oh, me! I do! I do!
Damon Salvatore: …I’ll get my tux. Idiots.
Tyler Lockwood (via voicemail): Hi Caroline! Sorry your father is dead, and that I’m at least partially responsible. Anyway, I thought you’d like to know that I’ve decided his advice was a steaming pile of crap, so I’m going to go out into the woods and fix myself, then come back and hump you like the mailman’s leg. -xoxo Tyler
Klaus (via note): Hi Caroline! Fancy a shag? Then throw on this fancy dress! See you at seven! -xoxo Klaus (who’s way better than Tyler, by the way)
Thomas: He spent an awful lot of money on a dress he’s just going to tear off of her anyway.
Neville the Devilcorgipire: This episode suffers from a distinct lack of werewolves!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Esther wants to see me for no nefarious purpose whatsoever! Wanna be my bodyguard?
Caroline Forbes: Well, as much as I think we’d make an awesome lesbian couple, I think you should take a Salvatore! And as much as I know Stefan has harassed you, threatened you, and endangered you in the last couple of months, I still think he’s better for you than Damon!
Rebekah: Hi girls! You both dated Matt at one time, right?
Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: Uh huh…
Rebekah: Great! Hi Matt! I have boobies! Wanna come to the dance with me! I promise not to kill you at all!
Matt Donovan: 😀
Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: D-:
The Lady of the Manor: Look! They imported classy people!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Carol! So tell me, how does Klaus’ butt taste? You know, since you spend so much time kissing it.
Carol Lockwood: It tastes a lot better than my own blood, which is what I’d be choking on if I actually grew a spine and stood up to them!
Kol: Hi Damon! You’re totally unimportant!
Thomas: Cold. Burn.
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Despite all common sense I decided to show up at Murder Mansion for the Genocide Gala! Would you boys care to bookend me?
Damon Salvatore and Stefan Salvatore: I get to be on top.
Damon Salvatore and Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon Salvatore and Stefan Salvatore: Dammit.
Thomas: So, where exactly did the magic dress-making mice set up shop?
The Lady of the Manor: I’m pretty sure I have her earrings.
Caroline Forbes: Well that’s odd! Despite the fact that we have a Civil War Ball every third Tuesday, I don’t have a thing to wear! I guess I’ll just have to put on the dress that Klaus gave me! And the million-dollar diamond bracelet! And the edible underwear! Wait a second…
Klaus: Hi Caroline! I see you’re dressed completely in things that I have purchased for you! Unfortunately my family has suffered a recent financial disaster, and I must request you return all of these items immediately. Please follow me into this bedroom, where we can undress you in peace.
Caroline Forbes: I need a drink.
Klaus: Whatever gets you in the mood!
Finn: Hi Elena! Just wanted to let you know that Mother has refused to see you unless there’s no one around to protect you or talk you out of stupid plans! Don’t worry, it’s not for any dastardly plan!
Elena Gilbert: Well that sure is a relief! Hold on, let me go ditch the two serial killers who are vying for my affections, both of whom have more sense that I would have if you beat me with a clue bat!
Elijah: Hi everybody! In our family, it’s traditional to begin these little parties with a dance! At least we think it is … it’s been like nine hundred years since we’ve had one of these. Which is why I was all like “mom, come on, no one knows how to dance any more!” but then mom was all like “Elijah, this is Mystic Falls! Their primary exports are formal dances and animal attacks! Of course they know how to dance!” and I was all like “of course! How silly of me!” So please grab the arm of the Salvatore brother of your choosing and join me in the ballroom. It’s through the double doors, past the bathtub filled with virgin’s blood, turn right at the giant mural depicting our plans for the town once we murder all of you can claim your land for our own.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! You look like you’re trying to sneak off to meet with the evil bitch who’s going to try and murder us all! And I think you’d have a better time dancing with me!
Elena Gilbert: You’re just trying to stop me from doing something stupid!
Damon Salvatore: …Hey, did you know that the dance we’re doing tonight is dangerous? Yeah, it’s called the … Dance of Doom, and the floor is littered with tripping hazards, and afterward they’re serving coffee that doesn’t have a “this is hot” warning on the cup!
Elena Gilbert: I’m in!
Stefan Salvatore: I’m sad!
The Lady of the Manor: Their prom is going to suck after this party.
Caroline Forbes, escorted by raving psychotic and world traveler Klaus Mikaelson Bastardson!
Rebekah Mikaelson, escorted by professional dish washer and amateur blood donor Matt Donovan!
Elena Gilbert, escorted by bubble bath taker and neck snapper Damon Salvatore!
Stefan Salvatore: Ahem, cough cough!
…And car collector and sorority chick dismemberer Stefan Salvatore!
Klaus: Hi caroline! You look fetching in that dress! And angelic in that bracelet! And you dance like a ballerina!
Caroline Forbes: I’ve had training! I’m Miss Mystic Falls!
Klaus: …I know 😉
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Swoon.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! Why are you hanging out with the murderous she-bitch?
Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! There’s a pot over there that would like to call you a raving hypocrite!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Damon says I can’t take care of myself!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Damon’s completely wrong! Like remember that time I kidnapped you and force-fed you my blood and then threatened to murder you in the same way your parents died, in the same place your parents died? You totally got yourself out of that situation by screaming ineffectually until Klaus gave in to my demands!
Elena Gilbert: Exactly! And it’s that kind of trust and respect that makes us awesome together!
Rebekah: Hi Damon! I’m mildly jealous of Caroline! All of her clothes were given to her!
Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry, you’ll be significantly less jealous when all of your clothes are taken from you.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Can you help me risk my life, and the lives of everyone in Mystic Falls, in another idiot plan?
Stefan Salvatore: …
Elena Gilbert: Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, I was just picturing you naked. Yeah, I’ll help you commit suicide by original. Again.
Elena Gilbert: …Me? Naked? Our love shall never die!
Rebekah: Hi Kol! I wanna make Elena and Caroline jealous by murdering their manservant or whatever he is, but Momma said she’d ground me if I ate anyone else this week! So could you do me a solid and rip his entrails out through his nose hole?
Kol: Murder an innocent human? And spit in the face of Mother’s rules? Absolutely.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena, I –
Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan neck breaking powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: -ll be back in a half hour or so. Dies.
Elena Gilbert: Thanks Stefan! I’m going to go put us all in danger! Tee hee!
Thomas: You know what? Stefan may be on his way back to boring, but the ride is going to be hilarious.
Elijah: Hi Elena! I heard that your mother wants to meet with you! And since you’re a grade-A idiot, I thought I should tell you not to trust her, and ask you to tell me her guaranteed-to-be-nefarious plot!
Elena Gilbert: Okay! It’s not like lying to you has ever bitten me in the ass before!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Elijah can bite us on the ass any time he wants.
Esther: Hi Elena! You’re probably asking yourself why I don’t have a gaping hole where my heart used to be! Well the answer is the Original Bennet Witch, Ayana, cast a spell on my body to preserve it! You’re probably also wondering why the producers haven’t killed off Bonnie and her excitement vortex mother yet! Well the answer to that is they are the culmination of the Bennet line, and together they are powerful enough to like dozens of candles with their brain. And do you know how many candles we use on this set? Lots. So many that it takes some poor intern hours to get them all going, time that could be better spent getting us coffee and rubbing our feet! And you might also be wondering why I asked you to come here tonight! And the answer will shock and intrigue you …
Elena Gilbert: Do you have any gummy worms? I’m hungry.
Esther: … Wow. Just … wow.
The Lady of the Manor: Gummy worms? That sounds awesome. I’ll be right back. Vroom.
Caroline Forbes: Okay, the dress and the bracelet and the horse (!) are great, but I’m not going to talk to you until you tell me why you invited me here!
Klaus: I fancy you.
Millions of Panties Across the Nation: Spontaneously combust.
Caroline Forbes: I’m spoken for!
The Lady of the Manor: You’re an idiot!
Klaus: Horses are awesome, aren’t they? They’re strong and pretty and loyal! Hey, did I ever tell you about the time my father cut off my favorite horse’s head with a sword, just to piss me off?
The Lady of the Manor: Was his father Don Corleon or something?
Caroline Forbes: Did you ever thing about sitting down with your father and talking things out?
Klaus: …I think you missed the part where he decapitated my horse with a sword.
Esther: So anyway, I turned my family into vampires, then they turned out to be mass-murdering monsters, and then Nature went all anthropomorphic on me and sought revenge, and then I was trapped in Limbo for a millennia, and then I was set free, and now I want to correct my mistake, so now I just need a little bit of your blood to cast am infanticide spell.
Elena Gilbert: Why does everyone always want my blood? Just once I’d like to be hounded for my breasts or my legs or my ass, like a normal teenage girl!
Esther: Anyway, this spell will kill everyone, even Elijah, so be sure to tell Elijah to drink the Wine of Woe or Elijah won’t die. Because I need to kill Elijah. And you have to help. Kill Elijah, that is.
The Twitters: Get your goddamn spell off of our Elijah!
Rebekah: Okay, I’m going to lure Matt outside!
Kol: But I wanna kill him nooooooow!
Rebekah: Don’t be an idiot! Mother would kill us if we ruined her party.
Kol: Pout.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Elena’s upstairs ruining everything! And you need to stop being such a controlling dick!
Thomas: Can’t finish recapping this scene, because the sheer weight of hypocrisy has crushed him into the ground.
Rebekah: Hi Matt! Can you stand on that big red ‘X’ over there? Yeah, the one underneath the piano. That’s right, the piano covered in knives and scorpions. Yes, the scorpions that are on fire.
Matt Donovan: Sure! Just let me get you my jacket first, because it’s so cold out here!
Rebekah: Swoon.
Elijah: Hi Elena! Just wanted to check in on my mother’s diabolical intentions!
Elena Gilbert: Intentions what intensions your mother had no intentions she just wants everyone to be happy and give our puppies and hand out rainbows and you should totally drink the toast tonight it’s really super important that you drink the toast which has certainly not been spiked with magic death!
Elijah: …Okay!
The Twittters: Adds “Elena Gilbert” to their “to be killed” list.
Klaus: Hi Caroline! I collect art! And draw amazing things! And hand out diamonds worn by ladies almost as beautiful as you! We should shag!
Caroline Forbes: And you should let Tyler go! And stop being a dick all of the time! And maybe try trusting people every once in a while! Here’s your stupid bracelet! And your stupid edible panties!
Klaus: Single tear.
Rebekah: Hi Kol! Matt gave me his carhart and I’ve decided to give him his life! No murders for you!
Kol: Right. No murdering. I shall certainly not murder him. Not tonight, certainly. Not in the next five minutes, by any means. Nope, no murdering here.
Rebekah: Great, thanks!
Damon Salvatore: So, done ruining everything? Can we go home now?
Elena Gilbert: You’re just mad because I went behind your back!
Thomas: I bet he’d love to go behind her back.
Damon Salvatore: I’m mad because I love you!
Elena Gilbert: Maybe that’s the problem!
The Lady of the Manor: That is not the reaction you want.
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Twitch.
The Lady of the Manor: Aaaaaand Crazy Damon is back!
Kol: Hi Matt! We haven’t been properly introduced, so allow me to break your hand!
Damon Salvatore: Hey hey hey, take it easy. Guys a quarterback.
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: It has been. Too. Long.
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon just being Damon and kicking your ass and throwing you off the balcony and breaking your goddamn neck because I. Am . Goddamn. Back. powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Damon! Are you crazy?
Damon Salvatore: Whatever could you mean?
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Wheeeeee!
Elena Gilbert: …I think I broke him.
Klaus (in a note): Dear Caroline, I realize that I acted the cad this evening, trying to buy your affections with mere trinkets and baubles. In recompense, and in gratitude for your honesty, please accept this small token, a mere photo-realistic drawing I did of you and a magic pony, what I believe you refer to as a “unicorn”, which I dashed off in a matter of mere minutes. -xoxo Klaus
Caroline Forbes’ Edible Panties: Spontaneously combust. From across the town.
Esther: I have been out of that coffin for one dayand my family has already humiliated me. What is this, Mystic Shore? Real Housewives of Vampire County? Original Family Jewels?
Elijah: Mom, chill. I’ll spank everyone and mind-whammy the town into forgetting the whole thing.
Esther: Aw, you’re the best. It kind of makes me sad that I have to murder you.
Elijah: Wait, what?
Finn: Nothing! Just casting a little blood spell to ensure the ruin of our entire family! And I certainly don’t have any ulterior motives!
Elijah: Okay! See you tomorrow then!
Esther: Great! Just let me draw a quick family tree, slice your palm open, and light the whole shebang on fire!
Thomas: That is the coolest family tree I have ever seen. Also I hope that bitch dies in a fire.
Elena Gilbert: I feel horrible! I told Damon not to love me and now he’s all self destructive and now he’s in danger and it’s all my fault!
Stefan Salvatore: …
Elena Gilbert: Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, picturing you naked again.
Elena Gilbert: I knew we were gonna get back together!
Rebekah: Hi Matt! How’s it going!
Matt Donovan: Well, I gave you my coat and your brother gave me a compound fracture, and since Obamacare doesn’t kick in until 2014 the ER gave me a band-aid and a slap on the ass. So then I came here to drown my sorrows, but it turns out I’m only eighteen, so the bartender gave me a Sprite and a lecture about responsibility.
Rebekah: Yeah, about that… Kol is crazy and I’m really sorry he hurt you and it totally wasn’t because I told him to murder you and I thought I would apologize by buying you a drink a real drink not some sissy soft drink and I suppose I could use my nearly unlimited wealth to get your hand fixed but that just seems forward and it’s been forever since someone payed attention to me please take me into the bathroom and bend me over!
Matt Donovan: …I’m gonna go over there now. Where you aren’t. Because you’re really effing creepy.
Rebekah: Alas! If only a man would come and make love to me in a rough and proper manner!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Rebecca! Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
Rebekah: Only if you take me from behind!
Damon Salvatore: Done and done!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: They’re doing it Neville style!
Thomas: …You really are a dirty little Corgi, aren’t you?
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Yes I am! I love mud puddles!
The Lady of the Manor: Mess her hair up, you pussy.
The Plot: Thickens.
Just so we’re clear? The Quick Glimpse Behind the Scenes was satire. I think TVD has the best writing, producing, and acting teams on television right now, and the stuff they turn out is pretty much gold.
But if you’ve been reading Twitter over the last twenty-four hours? You’d be pretty sure that that conversation happened verbatim.
Maybe I’m not the right person to be talking about this, because I’m not a Delena shipper – I’ll ride Damon’s jock all day long, but I don’t have a vested interest in seeing him end up with, or even boff, Elena – but the shipper warriors? Need to chill out.
Damon wants Elena, and you want Damon to be happy. Right? Right?
Wrong.
You want Damon to be miserable. You want him full of angst and self loathing and self destruction. You want him screwing Rebekah and making out with Katherine and compelling whoever’s tending bar at the Grill, and then you want him to rip out someone’s heart, tear open someone’s throat, and break Alaric’s neck.
Drama isn’t about making your favorite character happy, it’s about teasing the possibility of happiness.
Joss Whedon knew this better than anyone. People shipped Buffy and Angel just as hard as everyone is shipping Damon and Elena right now, maybe harder. He gave them what they wanted, too … and then ripped it away in the cruelest way possible. And that? Made for the best season of the entire show’s run, and one of the best characters of all time. No one would remember Angel if he hadn’t become Angelus.
Delena has been getting closer and closer to happening all season, and it’s been awesome to watch. But if it really happened? If they really lived happily ever after? There wouldn’t be a story anymore. It’s called an endgame for a reason.
And Damon just hasn’t been the same lately. He’s not as sarcastic, not as vicious, not as unpredictable. He’s been becoming a better man because of his relationship with Elena, but he hasn’t been more entertaining.
But when Elena told him that loving her was the problem? Ten minutes later he was tossing an Original off a balcony, punching him in the face, and snapping his neck, and then ripping the clothes off a hot blond. He’s not happy, but God damn if he isn’t fun to watch.
Drama is about conflict. Drama is about pain. Drama is about turmoil. That’s what makes TVD great, not Delena or Stelena or Delefan. This show isn’t about the endgame, it’s about the trip there. I don’t know – and don’t really care – who Elena is going to end up with. What I care about is that the TVD writers can make me care about these people every single week … and they do that by not giving us what we want.
Now, on to Elena.
Elena, in this episode, was an idiot.
Not because she broke Damon’s heart, but because she tried to win Stefan’s. Not for the reasons Delena fans claim, though. No, Elena is an idiot for going after Stefan because Klaus is right… the Salvatore brothers are both poison to her, and one of these days, they’re going to get her killed. If she wants a normal life, the best thing she can do is hook up with Matt and make little mashed potato babies.
And she’s not an idiot for lying to Elijah. Out-of-story, I hate her and I hope she dies a terrible screaming death for daring to sully the lips of my Elijah with tainted beverage, but in-story? Elijah showed up as the guy who was going to murder her in order to deal with his brother, and then betrayed Team Elena when it came time to actually take Klaus out. In-story, Elena doesn’t owe Elijah a blessed thing.
No, Elena is an idiot for trusting Esther. When a thousand-year-old witch with unknown motivations who has already tried to murder you through the ghost of a dead vampire wants a little bit of your blood for a death spell? You run and tell Elijah, hide behind Damon, sic Stefan on her, and call Bonnie, hoping she’s met someone competent while she was off-screen. You don’t blindly trust that, for the first time in the entire two and a half seasons you’ve been on the air, someone is telling you the truth.
Sometimes, the girl is just too dumb to live.
And that’s a shame, because the rest of the time she’s a smart, strong, confident woman that girls are lucky to have as a role model. And that’s the only time I ship Delena … when Elena shows that she can be his equal, and not his plaything.
Also, apropos of nothing, Sire is still on sale for $2.99 for Kindle
