TM
Vampire Diaries – S03E15 – All My Children
Thomas: Neville! Outside time!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: I love outside time!
Thomas: Neville! Let’s go for a car ride!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Car rides are awesome!
Thomas: Neville! Time to see the vet!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: The vet’s a very nice lady!
Dr. Ballcrusher: Hi Neville! So you’re here to get your shots, get microchipped, and get neutered!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Wait, what’s that last word mean!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Son of a bitch!
Dr. Ballcrusher: Okay boy! Hop up on the table!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>
Dr. Ballcrusher: …?
Neville the Devilcorgipire: She must be on vervain!
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Stefan! Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan Stefan!
Stefan Salvatore (ignoring the phone): Sorry, babe! I’m busying writing emo in my journal! You know, because this show is called the Vampire Diaries? Get it? Good.
Elena Gilbert: Damon! Damon Damon Damon Damon Damon Damon Damon Damon!
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Sorry babe, I’m busy banging your hot, blond replacement!
Rebekah: Okay, let’s get this straight: I pity-banged you, and not the other way around, right? Right.
Damon Salvatore: Whatever gets you through the day, babe. Now, since I’m the consummate gentleman, I’ll take a naked stroll through the castle and see you out.
Elena Gilbert: Damon hi Damon I need to talk to you Damon and I-
Damon Salvatore’s Penis: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: 0_o
Rebekah: Yeah, that was my reaction, too. Tootles!
The Lady of the Manor: Didn’t Damon rip her dress off last night? Did he sew the buttons back on? Did she pack a spare ball gown? These are the things a girl needs to know.
Elena Gilbert: Damon! You got mind-whammied and fang raped! That’s ironic!
Damon Salvatore: Yes. The wild night of unbridled sex I just had with the stunning blond was completely non-consensual. That is how that went.
Elena Gilbert: Anyway! I thought you should know that Esther cast a spell that linked the originals and now if one of them dies all of them die and that includes Rebekah whom you love shag and Elijah too!
Damon Salvatore: And the problem is …
Elena Gilbert: Half the fans already hate me! If I let Elijah die, they’ll track me down and murder me to death! And then I’ll only have one character to play! And that would make me sad!
Elijah: Huh, a small sack of sage. Obviously, my mother has cast a spell linking each of us through the blood of the doppelganger, wherein the death of one of us will ensure the destruction of us all.
Sherlock Holmes: Damn, boy. That’s some fancy inductive reasoning there.
The Lady of the Manor: Oof.Elijah should wear black-on-black more often.
Kol: Quick! Everybody slut-shame our sister! You’re a little strumpet! You’re a little strumpet!
The Lady of the Manor: It’s been forever since you’ve called me a strumpet. Pout.
Kol: Anyway, we still can’t get the cable guy to show up even if we mind-whammy him, so I’m bored. Let’s go eat some commoners!
Klaus: Sounds like a plan!
Rebekah: Good! There are enough men rolling around in here!
Kol: Just like you!
Elijah: Hey Rebekah?
Rebekah: I am not a slut!
Elijah: …I was just going to ask if you knew about our mother’s plot to murder us, but if this is a bad time, I can come back later.
Bonnie Bennet: “Now I’m burning this magic prop, to stop Caroline from hearing these eves drop!”
Caroline Forbes: Sorry, I can still hear every word you’re saying about Damon the Vampire Gigolo.
Bonnie Bennet: Anyway, I thought you’d like to know that since Abby and I resurrected Esther, she’s using our ancestral blood line for power! In fact, she asked us to help her harness the power of the moon to murder her kids tonight!
Elena Gilbert: But I feel guilty about murdering Elijah, and I’m afraid of what the fans will do if I let him die! Isn’t there a way to stop Esther from using your power?
Bonnie Bennet: Nope! As long as my mother and I are alive, Esther can use us to channel magic energies!
Elena Gilbert: …
Bonnie Bennet: Oh son of a bitch.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! We should have some human blood to celebrate our upcoming victory! Because human blood is tasty! God, I love me some human blood! Don’t you?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, human blood. I do love me some human blood. Can’t get enough of that human blood. Except I just ate, and I have to watch my figure. Also: I’m horrible and you’re a dick and Elena is better off without us.
Damon Salvatore: Whatever. I think there’s a sorority house two counties over that I haven’t slept with yet. Let’s meet up at seven to see how Elena screws everything up.
Elena Gilbert: Well, I’ve got like ten hours until another spell involving my blood unleashes death and chaos into the world. I think I’ll go buy a new skirt!
Elijah: Hi Elena! Let’s talk about my imminent death!
Elena Gilbert: But… shopping!
Elijah: And this is where the natives gathered to worship, and this is where Mother turned us all into vampires, and this is the field where wild horses used to run, and this is the cave system where I’m going to keep your lying ass prisoner until I figure out a way to undo your epic screw job …
Elena Gilbert: Wait, what was that last part?
Elijah: Yes, Elena. I can hear your heartbeat, and it has betrayed your deceitful ways. And I have used my cunning and my intellect to deduce that Mother does not want peace, but instead seeks to undo the evil she created by destroying us all. And in order to preserve my own life, I will keep you prisoner here, in these very caves, until I find a solution to my imminent demise.
Elena Gilbert: No, not that, the part about the horsies!
Elijah: …facepalm.
The Lady of the Manor: Angry Elijah is the sexiest Elijah.
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Alaric! Just wanted to let you know that we’re going to murder a bunch of originals tonight, and that Elena intends to screw everything up, and that it would be really swell if you could tie her up and lock her in a room until morning.
Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): Is that what you did with Rebekah last night?
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Okay, seriously? You two talk about your sex lives way too often.
Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! Bad news! Your Magic Ring of Not Dying has screwed up any forensic evidence I could have gathered from your injuries! The only thing I can tell for certain is that the killer was not a hot brunet, was definitely not a female, and absolutely did not work as a Medical Examiner!
Alaric Saltzman: It must have been a vampire!
Klaus: Sure, a family spends a thousand years bringing chaos and death to everyone they encounter, and suddenly they’re the prime suspect in any little murder that happens right after they move into town.
Alaric Saltzman: Well, we didn’t say it was your–
Klaus: Racists.
The Lady of the Manor: It’s still morning, right? Like, Alaric is drinking whisky for breakfast? #AlaricsAnonymous
Esther: Hi plot devices! Just to recap, I need one point twenty one jiggawatts of power to destroy my family tonight, and I can’t muster that sort of mojo up on my own! But, I can draw power from the entire Bennet line, as long as you two are alive. Both of you. Mother and daughter.
Bonnie Bennet: Son of a bitch.
Abby Bennet Wilson: Wait, what? What’s wrong? It’s a good thing that she needs us alive, right? Hello? Anybody?
The Lady of the Manor: I love listening to Mama Original talk.
Elena Gilbert: Oh good! I think this beam of light means I’m close to the-
Rebekah: Hi Elena! I’m here to tear your arms and legs off if you try to run!
Elena Gilbert: -Exit. Pout.
Elijah: Hi guys! So I totally know about my mom’s plot to murder me tonight, but don’t worry, I have a plan! And that plan involves the death of your weird shared girlfriend, or the death of the Bennet witches. You get to choose!
The Lady of the Manor: Ding dong, the witches are gonna be dead!
Damon Salvatore: Two broken necks, coming right up!
Stefan Salvatore: Wait wait wait, let’s not be hasty now. I mean, sure, I supposedly love Elena more than life itself, and yeah, I’m a mass-murdering monster, but can I really bring myself to kill Bonnie? Isn’t taking a life that noble, charitable and vivacious going too far? How could the fans ever forgive me if I killed dear, beloved Bonnie.
Thomas: Oh, I think I could find a way, Stefan. Don’t you worry.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Rebekah! I know you must be angry, but I think we should talk this out! You see, I had nothing but the best of intentions when I stabbed you in the back, and even better intentions when I knowingly gave your mother the key ingredient to a spell that would kill you all, probably in a painful, horrific fashion!
Rebekah: Okay, you know what? I am done with this, and I am done with you. You are a shallow, vapid, back-stabbing whore of a slut, and I almost hope Elijah tells me that we’re all gonna die just do I get the pleasure of ripping you into tiny pieces, starting with your fingers and toes, progressing to your major limbs, and ending with your head. But until then, everyone in the godforsaken town still seems to want to save your precious vajayjay, and that makes you incredibly annoying useful. So sit down, shut up, and let me take a ransom picture.
Elena Gilbert: Yes ma’am.
Stefan Salvatore: Well, here’s another bag of tasty human blood. Yep, sure is a tasty bag of tasty human blood. Just look at it, so tasty and human. I mean, I could just tear it open and drink, and all of that tasty human blood would just pour into my mouth. Tasty tasty tasty.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Let’s talk about how we’re going to save Elena’s ass this week!
Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’ve been on Bing all day long, looking for a spell that would let us block Esther from stealing Bonnie’s power! Of course, we need another witch to pull it off, but I found a guy on Twitter! He’s black, so he must be a witch, right? And I figured we could go find him, teach him the spell, bring him to the site of the ritual, and-
Damon Salvatore: Or we could just kill the Bennets.
Stefan Salvatore: But Damon! It’s Bonnie!
Damon Salvatore: You really have a hard-on for that girl, don’t you?
Caroline Forbes: Hi Klaus! I’d rather be dipped in honey and tossed on an ant hill than spend ten seconds in your company! Bye bye!
Klaus: …Dipped in honey you say?
Klaus: Hi Caroline! You’re smart and you’re pretty and you smell nice and I want to hold you and I want to kiss you and I want to eat babies with you! And I’d like to take you to Paris and Rome and Tokyo, and show you art and architecture and beauty, and buy you puppies and kitties and flowers!
Caroline Forbes: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Esther: Well let’s see! We’ve got salt that represents the earth, a pentagram that represents the eldritch forces I intend to call forth, five torches that represent my asshole kids, and Finn, who represents the guy I’m going to kill in oder to murder the rest of my family! Okay, let’s make some vampires human!
Abby Bennet Wilson: And you’re cool with this?
Finn: Yeah, pretty much.
Bonnie Bennet: Wait, about this whole making vampires human thing … in the books, doesn’t Damon-
Thomas: You shut your whore mouth right this second!
Bonnie Bennet: Never mind.
Kol: Hi Meredith! You should do sex to me!
Meredith Fell: I have a better idea! Why don’t you go do sex to yourself!
Kol: …
Meredith Fell: Wait for it …
Kol: Oh!
Meredith Fell: There you go!
Alaric Saltzman: Now why don’t you run along?
Kol: Um, yeah. So I’m kind of a spoiled brat who was never told no in his entire life, even when I was deflowering all of the Mystic Falls native girls, who were for some reason white. Also, I’m a thousand years old, and kind of a big deal.
Alaric Saltzman: You’re a thousand years old? Well I’m a history teacher, bitch! Super Alaric magic dagger jamming powers activate!
Rebekah: And after I’ve pulled your spleen out through your colon, I’m going to – URK!
Elena Gilbert: Huh, my captor seems to have fallen on hard times! How unfortunate for her! Also: runs!
Finn: Yeah, so vampires are evil, my existence is shame, blah blah blah, I’m ready and willing to – URK!
Klaus: And then I’ll take you to Switzerland, where we can bath nude in the hot springs of the Alps! And then we can jaunt off to Praug, where –URK!
Caroline Forbes: Why, whatever could be wrong?
Klaus: Oh, probably just heart burn from the nachos … unless someone just jammed a magic dagger in Kol’s heart, and I’m feeling it because my mother magically linked our bodies together, so that the death of one would result in the death of us all!
Caroline Forbes: Well, yeah, but what are the odds of that, right?
Damon Salvatore: Good job, Alaric! Now let’s just load his body into-
Klaus: Hi guys! Alaric smash! Stefan pummel! Dagger yoink!
Alaric Saltzman: …I hate my life.
Klaus: Okay Damon! I have personally had quite enough of your acting out, so I think it’s time to tear your heart out and roast it over a spit!
Damon Salvatore: Go ahead, that’s not going to stop your mother from killing you!
Klaus: What did you say about my mother?!?
Damon Salvatore: I said “your mother’s so fat, it takes an entire ancestral line of witches to lift her ass out of a coffin!”
Klaus: Okay, that’s it, you are-
Elijah: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there Klaus. Damon’s right. Mother has put on a few pounds. I blame the sudden lack of imminent starvation in the modern age.
Elena Gilbert: Run run run run run run run!
Rebekah: Um, Elena? I grew up in these caves. And I can smell you. And hear your heartbeat. And see in the dark. And outrun a car.
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, but you can’t come into the Magic Cavern of Vampires Not Invited, can you?
Rebekah: …Bitch.
Meredith Fell: Well, you’ve got a concussion, several contusions, a broken rib, and a bruised ego.
Alaric Saltzman: So … sympathy sex?
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, so how do we know they’re going to be here?
Damon Salvatore: Because this is the only other set we could afford. But before we go storming in snapping necks and taking names, let’s discuss the idea of actually letting Esther carry out her plan. I mean, all of the Originals would die, you’d get your revenge, and the only thing we’d lose is Elena. And let’s face it, you don’t care, and she’s a suicide bunny.
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, but then we wouldn’t have a love triangle, and then we wouldn’t have millions of teenage girls tuning in every week, and then we wouldn’t have jobs, so …
Damon Salvatore: Right! Bennetside it is! So who gets to do the deed?
Stefan Salvatore: Eh, flip a coin or something. It’s not like I care.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, heads you kill her, tails I sit this one out!
Stefan Salvatore: Wait a second …
Rebekah: Hi Elena! You’re right, I can’t get into the Magic Cavern, so instead I thought I’d douse you with petrol and throw lit matches at you!
Elena Gilbert: …
Rebekah: Petrol? Matches?
Elena Gilbert: …
Rebekah: Oh Jesus it’s gasoline! I covered you in gasoline and now I”m throwing fire at you and if you don’t come out here I’m going to burn you to death! God, what does Damon see in you?
Elena Gilbert: Oh! Well, now that I understand your plot, allow me to counter! Instead of killing me now, why don’t you keep me alive and torture me for years and years!
Rebekah: You are truly an idiot. But you have a point.
Thomas: I like Rebekah. Almost as much as Katherine.
The Lady of the Manor: I would support Bex/Kat slashfic.
Thomas: …I love you. Single tear.
Elijah: Hi mom!
Kol: Beautiful moon, right?
Klaus: Pleasant evening, isn’t it?
Esther: Well, I see you have discovered my plot to rid the world of the evil I unleashed, by turning you human and then telepathically killing you. But! You did not foresee me creating a Magic Circle of Not Entering, with me and Finn in the center, where we are protected from your unclean hands! Even you, Elijah, with your claims of nobility, are a disgrace and an abomination!
Thomas: Elijah is a prince and if you touch him I will cut you.
Elijah: Can’t we just throw rocks at her until she’s dead or something?
Klaus: Nah, it’ll be more dramatic if one of the Salvatores has to murder a Bennet.
Kol: He’s right, let’s go with that.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! Elena’s in danger, and I need you to stop Esther’s spell!
Bonnie Bennet: Um, yeah. About that. You do realize that I can’t light candles reliably, and you want me to go toe-to-toe with the oldest, baddest Mother on the planet?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, you’re right. Well, I guess I’m just going to have to find another way …
Bonnie Bennet: D-:
The Lady of the Manor: Snap her neck! Snap her neck!
Thomas: You are the ripper. You’ve spent the entire season establishing your badass rep, your lack of morals, and your willingness to murder anything that got between you and Klaus. Do not pussy out now. Do not back down. Do not toss out an entire season’s worth of character development. God damn it Stefan, you are the ripper, and now is the time to break. Her. Goddamn. Neck.
The Lady of the Manor: Snaperneck snaperneck snaperneck!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah right, like my brother is every going to be anything more than Elena’s lap dog. Super Damon feeding Abby my blood and snapping her neck and making her a vampire powers activate!
The Lady of the Manor: Ooh! Interesting development is interesting!
Esther: “I should have let them die from SIDS, but Bennets help me kill my kids!”
Elijah: …
Klaus: …
Kol: …
Esther: Oh, poop.
Rebekah: Okay, Elena, the Salvatores stopped Mommy from being the next subject on Nancy Grace, so you’re free to go!
Elena Gilbert: Yay!
Rebekah: Also, you’re right … it’s going to be a lot more fun slowly torturing you over the next seventy years!
Elena Gilbert: Poop!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! Abby is transitioning and Bonnie is mourning, so you should probably go away now! And also stock up on anti-wiccan plot devices, because the chances of Bonnie seeking vengeance on someone for this is about 100%!
Elena Gilbert: But I don’t understand! I got everything I wanted! Why is anyone upset?
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! Thanks for murdering a Bennet for me, even though I lost that coin toss!
Damon Salvatore: Oh, it’s cool. I mean, I could tell you haven’t had a drop of human blood since …. ?
Stefan Salvatore: I threatened to drive Elena off Dead Parent Bridge and I had an epiphany and realized what a monster I had become and I swore to atone for my evil ways and become a better man and protect Elena and love Elena and do sex to Elena and Elena Elena Elena!
Stefan Salvatore’s Hero Hairdo: Hi guys! I’m back!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: Oh Jesus, not him again.
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, I’m better off being the bad guy, and those sorority chicks aren’t going to bang themselves, so …
Thomas: Damon’s got his balls back!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: Must be nice!
Elijah (in a note): Dear Elena, Sorry about the whole “trapped in a cave and nearly immolated by Rebekah” thing. Totally my bad. I hope you can forgive me. I also hope the producers can see fit to give me my own show, tentatively titled “The Elijah is Better Than You Hour.” -xoxo Elijah
Rebekah: Hi guys! Wanna see the photos I took of Elena in the cave? The ones where she had to pee but was too embarrassed to go in front of me are priceless.
Elijah: Yeah, I’d love to, but this show doesn’t have enough angst or brooding, so I’m going to go in the corner and glower for a few episodes.
Klaus: I, on the other hand, could really use something to distract me from thoughts of murdering Caroline in her sleep.
Rebekah: Great! Check this one out! It’s … a painting of the White Oak of Vampire Slaughter?
Klaus: And a Aztec Jewish Viking Moon Calendar that says this drawing was done three hundred years after we “destroyed” it?
Rebekah: We’re still in danger!
Klaus: I knew we shouldn’t have used an off-brand herbicide!
Rebekah: Curse you Grow-No-Mo!
Alaric Saltzman: That’s odd … medical files from all of the murder victims, police records, a blood covered knife, dossiers on the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council … wait a second …
Meredith Fell: Oops! I let all my incriminating evidence laying around again! Tee hee! Bang!
The Plot: Thickens.
This feels like the end of the season, and not just because we’ve got another hellatus on our hands. The major arcs of the season – Evil!Stefan, Delena, Klaus and the Werepire Menace, and the Originals – have all reached a pretty neat conclusion. Or at least it feels that way. With this writing team, you can never tell what they’re going to pull out of their hats next.
And like any season finale – or, let’s be honest, any episode of TVD – we’ve got cliffhangers to keep us coming back, Alaric and his Latest Crazy Bitch Girlfriend (come to Mystic Grill and hear the hot new band, Alaric and the Crazy Bitches), Bonnie and … yawn … her moth … yawn … mother, and the fact that the Original Killing White Oak is still around, which I totally called.
So Stefan is back to his noble, boring self. After depriving himself of human blood for at least a week, his bloodlust is sated, his violent tendencies are under control, and he’s once again willing to let Elena die in order to protect Bonnie. Reset button powers activated.
How this played depends, I think, on what kind of a fan you are. Team Stefan has hated the Evil!Stefan storyline, and were looking for something, anything that would push him back into the light. For them, I think this was pretty satisfying.
For those of us who actually like to be entertained by our male protagonists, though, it felt a bit rushed. He struggled more to break his addiction after Miss Mystic Falls than he did after his six-month sorority chick bender, and he never had that dark moment that actually made him realize that his love for Elena was more important than his hared of Klaus.
And this is why I think the Dead Parent Bridge scene was one episode too early. Sure, they say that he’s been clean ever since that moment, but he was still acting like a total asshole the next day. I think this would have flowed much better if he had actually stopped on Dead Parent Bridge, looked at Elena, realize exactly what he had become, and slowly started his redemption arc. To borrow a phrase, they should have shown, not told.
Damon also benefited from a big push of the reset button, but in his case, I think it’s for the better. He really is better off being the bad guy.
For most of this season, Damon has been cowed by Elena. He hasn’t suffered from Eric Northman levels of castration, but he’s lost some of his snark and a lot of his edge. The wild, unpredictable vampire has been pretty tame and pretty predictable. But thirty seconds after Elena told him that his love was the problem, the eyebrows came back, a neck got snapped, and a random chick got introduced to Little Damon … and all was right in the world.
I don’t think it was an accident that Damon went for Rebekah, either. Damon hasn’t lost all of the character growth he’s gotten this season – he’s not going to snap her brother’s neck or stab Alaric because Elena pissed him off – but he still wants to hurt her, and nailing the original Mean Girl is his way of lashing out. In the real world, of course, I wouldn’t approve, but as drama? It’s delicious.
Speaking of Damon, did anyone her Esther say that she knew a spell that could turn a vampire back into a human? No. No you did not, and shut your dirty mouth.
There’s a vocal minority on The Twitters that want Damon to become human again (and then end up with Elena and have a boring human life and make boring human babies). I like to call these people Team Wrong, and I hereby forbid any discussion of this possibility. And if I have to round up every single copy of LJ Smith’s books and light them on fire in order to destroy this idea, I will.
Also, it’s a potentially huge cop-out, because it would let them vamp Elena, and then undo it.
So, yeah, the Plot Device of Devampirization is hereby verboten.
Alaric has the worst luck with women. You really have to feel sorry for the guy. My advice? Switch teams. Damon will treat you way better than any of the chicks you’ve ended up with. I’m interested to see why Meredith is the serial killer – or is she?!? – but I don’t have a whole lot of speculation to offer.
Elena was justified in being upset with Damon’s little tryst – not because he slept with someone, but because he slept with someone who tried to kill her. I’m glad they played it that way.
I’m not sure why the Originals woke up so soon after Klaus de-daggered Kol. Maybe the longer the dagger is in, the longer it takes them to wake up?
I’m not wild about the “Originals scattering to the winds” resolution, but at least they’re still out there and not, you know, dead. Elijah needs to become a series regular, but since he has his own show starting up, that seems unlikely.
Bonnie was, again, mostly a plot device this episode, and again seemed more important to Stefan than Elena. Seriously, the way Stefan goes out of his way to put Elena in danger to protect Bonnie makes me wonder why he isn’t shagging the witch instead of the doppelganger.
The moment when Stefan said “if you can’t stop her, I’m going to have to find another way?” was very well acted. Stefan was in full-on creepy badass mode, and Kat Graham was very convincing as a girl that figured she was about to get murdered my a sorta-friend. The girl honestly does have chops – just like everyone else on this show – and it’s a shame they don’t give her more to do.
Anyway, Caroline’s claim that Bonnie is the one who keeps getting hurt? Well, that’s true, in a sense. She lost her Grams, which was a really touching scene, and kind of lost Luka, but he was evil so whatever, and lost Jeremy, but he was a hound dog, so again whatever, and she kinda lost her mother (if by “lost” you mean “will have her back in an hour or two and she’ll be immortal and also pretty keen on keeping you happy because you can make a ring that will let her walk around in the daylight without exploding”), but she just met her and doesn’t like her, so again, whatever.
Let’s contrast that with Elena. Now, yes, Elena has made some dumb decisions and concocted some idiot plans. But let’s take a walk down Oh God My Life is Terrible Boulevard:
Elena’s father? Dead. Elena’s mother? Dead. Elena’s biological father? Dead, because he cast a spell that exchanged his life for hers when an ancient vampire-werewolf hybrid murdered her to break a curse that restrained his powers. Elena’s biological mother? Dead, vamped, then dead again, because she burned herself alive right in front of Elena. Her aunt-slash-legal-guardian? Dead, again murdered right in front of her by the above-mentioned werepire. Her Aunt’s boyfriend, who became Elena’s legal guardian? She had to murder him so that he wouldn’t die. Jesus, just typing that sentence makes my head hurt. Her brother? Murdered in front of her, but he got better. Her boyfriend? Turned out to be banging her mostly because she looked a lot like his first love. Oh, and that first love? A magic clone of her who wanted to murder her to get the above mentioned werepire off her back. And after they talked all that out, her boyfriend went on a bender and murdered people for six months straight, then threatened to murder her in the same way her parents died.
Oh, and let’s not forget that Elena herself has been kidnapped more times than a princess in the Mushroom Kingdom, stabbed herself in the stomach to ward off another ancient murder machine that wanted her blood, and actually diedin a black magic ritual.
And I’m probably forgetting a few things.
Holy hell, that all kind of makes me want to take it easy on the girl. After all that, it’s a miracle she hasn’t been institutionalized. I think we can forgive her for the occasional (or constant) lame-ass plan. So Bonnie? Yeah, quit yer bitchin’.
But whatever. Bonnie’s moment with her transitioning mother, and Caroline’s declaration that Bonnie was the one that always got hurt, really stood out to me, because …
I think we’re finally going to get Evil!Bonnie.
Or, at the very least, Antagonist!Bonnie. I think this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I think Bonnie is done with Elena, done with vampires, and done with Mystic Falls. I think we’re about to see her take a level in badass, and I think she’s going to unleash hell on our main characters, and Damon in particular.
And I’m preparing to love it. Because if they can do for Bonnie what they did for Stefan, I will do a dance in a frilly little tutu. I know that it won’t last, I know they’ll hit the reset button, but if they give me at least one season where Bonnie is awesome, I will love them forever.
Unless she makes Damon human. If she makes Damon human, I will walk to Mystic Falls and kill her my damn self.
If she turned him into a puppet, though …
Also, the fact that Damon turned Abby into a vampire instead of just killing her? In story it was justified, because Esther was channeling power through Bennets “living and dead”, so snapping her neck might not have worked. Still, that seems like some very quick thinking by Damon. I didn’t put that together, and I’m kind of surprised he did, especially after his “no power from a dead battery” speech.
Also, this shows just how much planning the TVD team puts into this show. They laid the “witches can’t be vampires” seed several episodes ago, which set up Abby’s death, which sets up Bonnie’s arc after the hellatus. For a serial drama, that’s amazing.
And in shameless self-promotion news, my novel Sire is still on sale for $2.99 for Kindle
