Vampire Diaries – S03E19 – Heart of Darkness

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I brought you some necessities! Like bourbon! And whiskey! And gin!

Alaric Saltzman: Thanks Elena! You’re the best!

Elena Gilbert: So are they really going to keep you in here until your evil alter ego, Evilaric Stabman, tells us where the Original Oak Slaughter Stake is?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, I’m not in here because of all the murders. Damon and I are playing a … game.

Elena Gilbert: ?

Alaric Saltzman: The safe word is “banana”.

Elena Gilbert: !

Damon Salvatore: Okay, let me get this straight … you want me to take your girlfriend across the country and spend the night with her in a seedy motel where the only forms of entertainment are listening to people doing crack in the next room or trying to have sex loud enough to drown out the people doing crack in the next room, while you stay here and torture my best friend into revealing a bunch of secrets he doesn’t technically know?

Stefan Salvatore: Yep!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, this plane is terrible! You really are the old Stefan again!

Elena Gilbert: Okay guys, I’m ready to explore my unresolved feelings! Which one of you wants to wear the leather chaps and which one of you wants to get handcuffed?

Stefan Salvatore: …Be safe.

The Lady of the Manor: I see what you did there.

Elena Gilbert: Safe I’m always safe even if there’s no way Damon could get me pregnant who knows where his little vampire has been I’ll tell you every girl in Mystic Falls knows because it’s been inside them so of course I’m going to be safe no glove no love that’s what I always say!

The Lady of the Manor: …Yes, that is what you did there.

Damon Salvatore: Okay Stefan got to go have fun beating Alaric! Remember, the safe word is “banana”!

Caroline Forbes: Hi everyone! There sure is an awful lot of flapper regalia for a seventies-themed dance! What’s up with that?

Rebekah: Well they already spent a lot of money on my flashback wardrobe, and it would be a shame to waste it! Also I’m hoping that seeing me dressed like a booze running mol will make Stefan remember why he loved me! Also I hate your guts and will ruin any plan you make just to spite you.

Caroline Forbes: Matt, tell her we voted for a seventies theme!

Matt Donovan: Sorry, assuming her brother doesn’t crush my hand again, I think I have a really good shot at getting laid here.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! Thanks for helping me trick Rebekah into thinking I was storming off in a huff instead of storming off to make werepuppies with Tyler! Don’t get killed!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Alaric! You’ve been down here for several minutes, so I assume you’ve already drunk all of the alcohol Elena brought you. Wanna get sloshed together?

Alaric Saltzman: Sure! We can talk about our failed love lives! Like how Damon is off with your quote-unquote girlfriend right now! And how Damon banged my wife! And how Damon banged your one-time flame Rebekah! And how Damon … wait a second …

Stefan Salvatore: Now do you see why I wanted him out of town for a while?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: …Something’s terribly wrong, isn’t it?

Elena Gilbert: Jeremy! You act like I only call you when you’re in mortal danger and only come to visit when we need you to use your ghost whisperer powers to resolve a plot point for us!

Jeremy Gilbert: You’re right, I’m sorry! How have you been?

Elena Gilbert: Great! Also, you’re in mortal dangers and we need you to use your ghost whisperer powers to resolve a plot point for us!

Jeremy Gilbert: Fine, I’ll help you … right after I get done playing baseball with my good friend Kol!

Kol: Hi guys! Batsmash!

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon grabbing the splinters of the baseball bat that was just shattered on my jaw and jamming it into Kol’s dead heart powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Good job, Damon! Should we chain him up and encase him in cement and bury him at the bottom of a lake?

Damon Salvatore: Nah, we still need plot points to get us through the next four episodes.

Jeremy Gilbert: Okay, let’s get this seance started! Did you bring a picture of Rose, or an item of importance to her, or maybe a lock of hair, or …

Damon Salvatore: I can show you her favorite sex positions? Elena, I need you to put your legs up around your neck, then-

Rose: This is gonna get awkward fast, isn’t it?

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! I-

Tyler Lockwood: Less talk more sex!

Caroline Forbes: Okay!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: He’s finally home!

Matt Donovan: Okay Rebekah, you’re home! See you tomorrow!

Rebekah: Matt Donovan, I don’t buy this gentlemanly act for a second! What’s your plan? Hoping to distract me with your charming good looks and then stick a dagger in my back? Scheming to lull me into a false sense of security and then spiking my drink with vervain? Plotting to woo me and then, when I’m swept up in the throes of passion, deliver a killing blow?

Matt Donovan: …I just want to get into your pants.

Rebekah: Oh! Well that’s a different story altogether!

Esther: Hi Rebekah!

Rebekah: Hi mom! Nice of you to stop by! I suppose I should get right to killing you now!

Esther: No, wait! I’m already dying!

Rebekah: And I shouldn’t speed the process along because …

Rose: Hi Jeremy! Tell Damon that the dream he gave me was the best dream I ever had! Except for all of the ones where we were going at it like rabbits! Oh, and tell him I watch him in the shower and I watch him in bed and I watch him when he’s with other girls and I think it’s really hot! And tell him he’s dripping with sex and since I have to live vicariously through surrogate girls I want him to hurry up and pound Elena like the fist of an angry god! Oh and tell him I don’t know which Original our bloodline comes from, because I was sired by some chick named Mary Porter.

Jeremy Gilbert: …Rose says hi, everything’s cool, and she was sired by someone named Mary Porter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a long, scaldingly hot shower.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Alaric? I’ve been thinking … every single woman in your life has been ripped away from you by vampires! Your wife, Jenna, every girl you’ve looked at sideways since you came to Mystic Falls … it makes perfect sense that you went crazy and started stabbing people!

Alaric Saltzman: …Thanks?

Klaus: Hi guys! I’m kind of tired of waiting for the last stake, so I figured I’d help bring out Alaric’s evil side! Necksnap!

Alaric Saltzman: Dies. Again.

Stefan Salvatore: You know that doesn’t make him turn evil, right?

Klaus: Oh yeah, I know. I just don’t like that guy.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Just wanted to get a ruling on something … if I sleep with Elena while Jeremy is around, but then compel him to forget everything, that’s not weird, is it?

Stefan Salvatore: …I’m starting to think my fabulous plan has a few minor holes.

Jeremy Gilbert: So Elena, what’s up with you and Damon? Because Rose kind of hinted at the fact that he may be plowing you like a corn field at planting time.

Elena Gilbert: I have no idea what you or she is talking about, and I most certainly don’t moan his name softly in my sleep, thank you very much!

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! I’m going to take a long, steamy, naked shower. Try not to think about me while I’m gone!

Rebekah: Hi Mom! It’s a shame about the mumble mumble lame excuse as to why the magic that’s kept you alive for a thousand years isn’t working any more, but that whole “plotting to kill me” thing left a very bad taste in my mouth!

Esther: Plotting to kill you! I wasn’t plotting to kill you! I was plotting … to … kill your pain?

Rebekah: Yeah, sure, that works. Handclasp!

Esther: Swoons! Dies!

Klaus: Wow, it sure was nice of Mom to kill herself. That saves me like thirty seconds of work!

Caroline Forbes: Thanks Tyler, that was great! Hey, did I mention how the Salvatores are kind of planning to telefrag you by staking Klaus with an Original Oak Slaughter Stake?

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Tyler is a prince and if you touch him I will walk to Georgia and poop in your shoes!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Thanks for walking around naked, it was quite a show! Also, why didn’t you tell me about all the nice things you did for Rose? You’re always playing a bad guy!

Damon Salvatore: I set the bar low so I can trick brain-addled high school girls into sleeping with me as a reward for not murdering anyone.

Elena Gilbert: Damon, you’re charming! No, Damon, you’re evil! No, Damon, you’re noble! No, Damon, you’re a cad! No, Damon, you’re getting smootched!

Elena Gilbert and Damon Salvatore: Smootch.

Twitter: Fucking explodes.

Team Delena: YES YES YES THANK YOU JULIE PLEC WE LOVE YOU YES YES YES!

Team Stelena: NO NO NO JULIE PLEC YOU RANCID BITCH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US NO NO NO!

The Producers: Hope you got your fix, Delena! It’s Stelena from here till the end of the season!

Jeremy Gilbert: Elena Gilbert! What manner of tomfoolery is this?

Damon Salvatore: Gets cock-blocked by a ghost and a junior vampire hunter.

@Dayna_Barter: How come people on TV never get locked out their hotel rooms when they forget to bring the stupid key card with them?

The Lady of the Manor: Those two would just fuck on the balcony.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Alaric! Glad you’re alive again! Are you evil yet?

Alaric Saltzman: Nope! You better get with the torturing!

Stefan Salvatore: Well when you put it that way … facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Welcome to the creepy ass house of Mary Porter! She’s really old and kinda crazy and super good in bed!

Elena Gilbert: Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?

Mary Porter: Hi guys! I’m dead!

Elena Gilbert: And is there anyone you haven’t slept with that hasn’t ended up dead?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Stefan! Look what you’ve done! You’ve opened up several gaping wounds, which are now just flowing with tasty tasty blood! Don’t you just want to eat me?

Stefan Salvatore: Well when you put it that way … fangs!

Evilaric Stabman: Hi Stefan! You’re a poopeyhead!

Kol: Hi guys! Mary was a big old whore, and she could have been turned by any one of us! Sorry you can’t find out where your bloodline comes from! On the other hand, this is an excellent opportunity to beat the ever loving shit out of you! Batsmash! Batsmash! Batsmash!

Damon Salvatore: Worst. Roadtrip. Ever.

The Lady of the Manor: Poll: Is Klaus or Kol the hottest boy original? Or Elijah? I CAN’T DECIDE!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Evilaric! I could probably compel you to tell me where the Original Oak Slaughter Stake is, but instead I think I’ll just kick your ass until you tell me!

Evilaric Stabman: It’s in the Magic Cave of Vampire Vexation!

Stefan Salvatore: Great! I’ll just grab a nearby human and-

Klaus: Hi Stefan!

Rebekah: We’ll take it from here!

Stefan Salvatore: I probably should have locked the front door.

Elena Gilbert: Damon! All of your arms and legs are broken! And your ribs are shattered! And you’re bleeding internally! And I think that’s your spleen over there on the floor!

Damon Salvatore: Forget about me! You have a tiny scratch above your eye! I should tear off all of your clothes and make sure you don’t have any other injuries!

Elena Gilbert: But Damon! I love Stefan! But I love you too! But I love Stefan’s abs! But you have really nice abs too! I’m so confused!

Damon Salvatore’s Cock: Well I think I can clear things up for you!

Damon Salvatore: Sorry, little buddy. I’m blocking you myself this time. Elena: get back to me when you have things figured out. I’m gonna go find a Colorado sorority to sleep with.

Rebekah: Okay guys, I’m gonna take Evilaric to the Caves of Vampire Vexation!

Evilaric Stabman: Can we stop by the hospital first?

Stefan Salvatore: So Klaus, any plans to murder me for my latest plot to murder you and/or your loved ones?

Klaus: Nah, I’m still holding out for you to go on a blood soaked rampage across the country. Probably right after your brother sleeps with your girlfriend.

Rose: Hi Jeremy! Just in case some of the viewers have missed the theme of this season, I thought I’d tell you that Elena makes Damon a better man, and Damon makes Elena stop being such a whiney ignorant twat! Oh, and he’ll either turn her into the woman she was always meant to be, or ruin her forever! Bye bye!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! So … about this whole thing where Damon and Stefan are going to murder me by stabbing another guy?

Caroline Forbes: Tyler you are a prince and if they touch you Klaus I will cut them!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: That’s what I said!

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, did Klaus do this drawing of you and a pony?

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, he’s got this-

Tyler Lockwood: YOU TWO FACED BITCH I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD ACCEPT DRAWINGS FROM ANOTHER MAN THAT’S IT WE’RE OVER I’M GONNA GO SLEEP WITH MATT!

Evilaric Stabman: Well, now that I have the Original Oak Slaughter Stake … I think I’ll get to stabbing!

Thomas: The stake is like six inches thick. Cut the damn thing in quarters and stab them all.

Rebekah: Wait wait wait! I’m not a vampire, I’m a witch in a vampire’s body! And I would like to conspire with you to murder every vampire in existence! You can call me Rebekster!

Evilaric Stabman: Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

The Plot: Thickens.

You know, every time I think I have this show figured out … they remind me that I can never predict what they’re going to do.

When Esther showed up and immediately died, I was thinking that this was the least climactic way to tie up a lose end ever. I never saw the Rebekster thing coming. Well played, show. Well played.

The show addressed a couple of minor issues we’ve been griping about. It was cute that they tossed out a line about flying to Denver, which does kind of explain the one-day travel time. And it was nice that Stefan isn’t entirely over his blood addiction.

One thing I still see people talking about is: why are the Salvatores so fixated on killing Klaus? I think the reason this story doesn’t resonate with us is that it’s so unusual for a plot to stick around this long on TVD. Usually the mass0murdering monster – Damon, Katherine, Elijah – is forgiven and welcomed into the loving arms of Team Elena by now. On most shows, Klaus’ evil would be set up and then carried through to the end of the season, but on this show, it feels awkward.

Stefaan should have threatened to turn Alaric into a vampire. That would have made Evilaric freak out way more than just getting his ass kicked.

The whole thing about “it’s Stelena from here on out” was meant to be a joke, but damn … they yank that away as soon as the fans get a taste, don’t they? The Delena kiss was hot, basically perfectly done … but then Jeremy jumped in to cock-block, and then Elena was a waffling idiot, and then Damon was all like “screw you guys I’m going home,” and then we were back to square one. Now, I actually like that they keep Damon and Elena at arm’s length, but I can understand how this drives people crazy.

Also? Team Stelena needs to chill the fuck out. Julie Plec didn’t rape your dog. Stop sending her death threats.

So they’re having a Twenties dance at Mystic Falls high? And Rebekah is dressing up as a flapper? And Elena ends up crying? Ten to one seeing Rebekah dressed up in her twenties garb makes him remember how good she was in the sack and jump back into bed with her.

Lastly, I am so excited to see the Scoobie Wars. Caroline and Tyler versus Damon and Stefan, with Bonnie as a wild card? I will watch that all day long. This has me really excited for the next few episodes.

All in all this was another strong episode. I’m glad to see TVD is really back on its game.