Vampire Diaries – S03E22 – The Departed

First, I’d like to ask you guys a favor. If you’ve read my debut novel, Sire, I’d really appreciate it if you went over to Amazon and gave it a rating. Ratings are one of the things that really help a book sell, and I’d love to know what you all think of it. Thank you.

And if you haven’t read it? It costs less than one of those fancy-dancy farapalates you kids drink these days, and there’s way less nudity in Starbucks. Unless I’m just going to the wrong starbucks.

And with that little bit of self-whoring out of the way:

Aunt Jenna: Hi Elena! Have you ever heard the theory that Near Death Experiences are the brain’s way of coping with the terrible realization of our own mortality?

Mama Gilbert: Hi Elena! It’s your birthday!

Pama Gilbert: And Christmas!

Elena Gilbert: Wow! Getting murdered is way better than getting kidnapped! Tee hee!

Meredith Fell: Don’t worry Jeremy, Elena is going to be fine!

Jeremy Gilbert: But what about the unconsciousness? And the blood? And the hallucinations? And the brain matter dribbling out of her ear?

Meredith Fell: That’s just stress! A nice nap, some hot tea, a little vampire blood, and shell be right as rain!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wait, what was that last part?

Meredith Fell: Hey look it’s time for my rounds got to be going see you later bye bye!

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hi guys! You know that minor little accident where Elena lightly tapped her head on that soft-looking fireplace mantle?

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): What did you do, Jeremy?

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Well, it turns out that her minor little injury resulted in a tiny little fainting spell, with a small amount of blood coming out of her nose, and an insignificant amount of brain matter coming out her ear!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): What did you do, Jeremy?

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): But don’t worry, I took her to Dr. Stabface, then ran around town screaming about how the Doppelganger could be found at Mystic Falls Hospital, floor three, room 27, first bed!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): I really hate you.

Stefan Salvatore: I love it when someone makes me look good by comparison!

Vampilaric Stabman: Hi Meredith! Do you know the Department of Justice’ stance on Sheriffs that harbor vampire daughters with werepire boyfriends and cavort with known serial killers?

Meredith Fell: Um, when did they develop a policy on werepires?

Vampilaric Stabman: After I rounded up all of the werepires in the Appalachian mountains, dragged them to FBI headquarters, and ripped their hearts out with my bare hands!

Meredith Fell: Poop.

Vampilaric Stabman: And hey, do you know how unelected town councils feel about unelected mayors with werepire sons?

Meredith Fell: That the mayor’s office is a hereditary position and Carol Lockwood is the only person fit for the job?

Vampilaric Stabman: Nope!

Meredith Fell: Poop!

Vampilaric Stabman: Oh, and do you know the American Medical Association’s stance on the medicinal use of vampire blood?

Meredith Fell: That vampires don’t exist?

Vampilaric Stabman: That was true, right up until I dragged a vampire into their conference room and staked him right there! Now they have a strict “no vampire blood allowed” policy! Speaking of which, you might want to give them a call …

Meredith Fell: Poop!

Vampilaric Stabman: :-)=

Caroline Forbes: Welcome home Elena! Giving you alcohol right after your traumatic brain injury was such a good idea that I’m going to offer you tea and vodka!

Elena Gilbert: Caroline …

Caroline Forbes: I know, I’m being smothering!

Elena Gilbert: No, I was going to ask you if you’d be my mommy.

Caroline Forbes: … I have to go over here now.

The Lady of the Manor: Just turn her into a vampire Caroline. Save everybody a button of trouble. Also: tea and vodka is nasty. Trust me. I’ve tried.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! Remember back when I wasn’t a witch and you were only stringing alone *one *guy? Those were the days, weren’t they?

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Matt, you’re right! The way I strung you along is the same way I’m stringing along the fans Stefan and Damon and I need to put on my big girl panties and sack up and make a choice and choose a Salvatore!

Matt Donovan: I was … gonna ask if you wanted dinner, actually, but I’m glad I could help you out.

Vampilaric Stabman: Hi Jeremy! We need to have a hard discussion …

Jeremy Gilbert: Poop.

Vampilaric Stabman: So while I agree, *Call of Duty *is an excellent game, I don’t think it’s an appropriate topic for your history report. Also, your sister cousin is a vampire boffing whore who’s demented predilections bring pain and misery to everyone around her, and I think you should help me commit vampire genocide. Also, you misspelled you own name. Come on, man. Come on.

Matt Donovan: Hey Elena, I have an idea! What if, instead of staying in town while vampire and werewolves and hybrids oh my murder everyone you love, what if you packed a bag and got the hell out of our lives town?

Elena Gilbert: Matt, that’s silly! How can I enjoy the tears of my loved ones if I’m not here! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put on some skimpy clothing and take a run through the seedy part of town!

Matt Donovan: Bro, any chance you could talk some sense into her?

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry bro, I left awesome me back in Chicago. It’s Doormat Stefan from here on out.

The Doorbell: Ding Dong!

Elena Gilbert: I bet that’s someone terribly dangerous! Let me answer it!

Elijah: Hi guys! I was just-

The Twitters: SQUEEEEEEEE!

Elijah: Does that hurt your ears as badly as it hurts mine? I mean, it’s nice to be loved and all, but … wow.

Vampilaric Stabman: Okay Jeremy, so what I need from you is a ten page paper, properly cited, on how no one in Mystic Falls, especially the Salvatores, owned any slaves, the location of Klaus’ body, and your summary of Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Get that to me by Monday, or I’ll have to dock you a letter grade. And tear out your throat with my teeth.

Elijah: So here’s the plan: you guys help me find Vampilaric and steal his Witch Weapon of Supernatural Slaughter, and give me Klaus’ body, and we’ll run litle scared little bunnies, taking Vampilaric with us. And as an added bonus, if you act now, not only will you receive one lifetime free of my psychotic brother’s machinations, you’ll recieve a second *lifetime free of Klaus’ machinations absolutely free!

^* Second lifetime free of Klaus’ machinations only redeemable by children of the Doppelganger. All bets are off if Elena becomes a vampire. No purchase necessary. Offer void where prohibited.

Elena Gilbert: Since trusting you has never gone horribly, terribly wrong in the past … I accept!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Facepalm.

Carol Lockwood: Hi guys! You know that horrible, terrible secret you two are keeping? The secret that would make the Founder’s Council and every law enforcement officer in the town crave your death the way a fat kid craves cake? The secret that we promised to hold close and never, ever reveal?

Tyler Lockwood: …

Caroline Forbes: …

Sheriff Liz Forbes: We done fucked up.

Matt Donovan: Jeremy, I’m so sorry! You’re in a terrible predicament! What are you going to do?

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, he knows to check Wikipedia, so I think I’m gonna try and buy a report off of EssayMill.com. I’m pretty sure there’s no way it’ll be completely obvious that I wasn’t the one who wrote it, even when I suddenly start turning in A-level work.

Matt Donovan: I meant about Vampilaric and Elena and Klaus’ body.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, that. I figured I’d just kidnap Elena and take her somewhere safe. Everyone else does it.

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Hi vampilaric! Damon is on his way to burry Klaus’ body in the woods, the same way he “buried” Viki’s body under a thin layer of leaves!

Matt Donovan (on the phone): That was my sister!

Jeremy Gilbert (on the phone): Also, Elijah helped me with that term paper. That’s cool, right? Also, Elijah totally isn’t back in town, and we’re absolutely not planning to double cross you.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): I am!

Jeremy Gilbert: Elena, hush! That’s supposed to be a surprise!

Elijah: Facepalm.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! This latest threat to our lives really sucks! But I’ve come up with a fantastic idea! Let’s get a friendly monk to marry us, and then run away, forsaking the violence and strife of this city forever!

Tyler Lockwood: That worked really well when it happened in Romeo and Juliette, so let’s give it a try!

Caroline Forbes: Great! I’ll go get my curling iron!

Tyler Lockwood: I’ll meet you in two hours!

Caroline Forbes: Two hours! I said I have to get my curling iron, not pass the Civil Servants exam.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! For some unknown reason, I’m going to go ahead and listen to another one of Elena’s terrible plans! So here’s Klaus’ body!

Bonnie Bennet: Great! Say, can you leave us alone for a few minutes, so I can fuck this up even worse than it already is?

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, sure, whatever. I’ll be in the car. Drinking.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m about to go on a terribly dangerous mission, mostly to protect your scrawny ass! And before I go, I need to do one thing …

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, oh Stefan … wait, Stefan, what are you doing?

Stefan Salvatore: Peeing on your leg. I want to make sure Damon knows you’re mine.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, that’s so romantic!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Stefan! Hey, have you ever noticed that I’m willing to do what’s best for Elena, even if she hates me for it, and you’re willing to do what’s worst for Elena, as long as it slightly increases your chances of seeing her naked?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): And that’s why I get laid all the time, and you go through bottles of lotion like Alaric goes through whiskey.

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): …Good point. Oh, hold on, Rebekah is here.

Vampilaric Stabman: No she isn’t.

Damon Salvatore: Goddammit.

The Lady of the Manor: Why is super vampire hearing only a sometimes thing? It seems like it would have been really useful in a situation like this.

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! I made you some tea! Pay no attention to all of the sweetener I put in it … I’m totally not trying to mask the taste of roofies!

Elena Gilbert: Okay! Hey, would you mind if I talked to you about my boyfriend and my kinda boyfriend? Also … Durthump!

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I got into a fight with Matt! Also, I really need some extra guilt to go along with all of this guilt on my guilt sandwich, so can you come and pick me up and then drive off Wickery Bridge and die and leave me all alone?

Mama Gilbert: Sure can!

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! Sorry, but I kidnapped you!

Elena Gilbert: Eh, it’s no big deal. I just call that “Thursday” now.

Rebekah: Hi Damon!

Vampilaric Stabman: Hi Rebekah! Headsmash! Brothersteal! Klausstab!

Thomas: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Rebekah: Well it was nice to see you again but hey look at the time got to be going I’ll tell Elijah you said hi bye bye now!

Damon Salvatore: Well, since I’m as good as dead anyway … Super Damon ass kicking powers activate!

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hey bro, just wanted to let you know we’re kinda fucked.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Wow, that kinda sucks. Well, I’m gonna go have goodbye sex with Elena. I’ll be sure to tell her you said hi!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, um, Stefan? About that pity sex you planned on getting from my sister … she’s kinda not available right now, due to a slight case of kidnapping.

Elijah: This? This right here? This is why I’m getting my own show. I seriously cannot deal with the ever growing clusterfuck that is the Salvatore-Gilbert Brain Trust.

Matt Donovan (on the phone): Really? You don’t say? Wow, that’s harsh. Yeah, I’ll let her know.

Elena Gilbert: … ?

Matt Donovan: So, if you *had *to choose a Salvatore to visit one last time, like maybe because Klaus got staked and they were both gonna die, which one would you pick. I know this is hard, so think about it carefully …

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Goodbye Damon! I’m gonna go have raunchy goodbye sex with Stefan now Damon!

Damon Salvatore: And once again I’m gonna go hang out with Rosey Palm.

Elena Gilbert: I mean, *maybe *if we had met first, like if you had come back to Mystic Falls before my parents died and then compelled me to forget that we ever met because you didn’t want anyone to know I was in town, *maybe *we could keep these shipper wars going for another few seasons, but since that’s just totally wacky and there’s no way they”d ever retcon it that way, Team Stefan is the Official Winner of the Elena Gilbert’s Vagina Award 2012 now and forever no takebacks!

Vampilaric Stabman: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi asshole! It’s awfully convenient that you showed up just now, because *wow *do I have some aggression that needs an outlet!

Caroline Forbes: Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! You seem really upset for someone who’s about to spend the rest of eternity with a super hot werepire!

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, about that “eternity” thing …

Tyler Lockwood: Poop.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Matt? You know how you said my presence leads to the misery and ruin of everyone around us? Well I’ve got good news! Tyler died even though I wasn’t anywhere near him!

Matt Donovan: …You really are special, Elena.

Elena Gilbert: That’s what the nice child psychologist lady said, too!

Rebekah: Hi Elijah! Klaus is dead!

Elijah: That’s odd … if Klaus turned Rose, who turned Katherine, who turned the Salvatores – which is totally cannon by the way and not a lie – then why are the Salvatores still alive?

Rebekah: I don’t know! It’s almost as if someone used dark magic to loophole their way out of this mess!

Elijah: But whoever could that be?

Kyler: Hi Bonnie! Thanks for the muscly new body, which just so happens to be the body that the girl I want to shag wants to shag! Looks like everything’s coming up Klaus!

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, that’s nice and all. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go desecrate some sacred ground, thumb my nose at the Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches, and buy a shitton of dark eyeliner.

Kyler: Wait … that sounds suspiciously like you’re getting an interesting plot line next season!

Bonnie Bennet: Shh! Dont jinx it!

The Lady of the Manor: Klaus’ body and Klaus’ accent went away. That makes me sad.

Rebekah (on the phone): Hi Stefan! In the grand tradition of fucking idiots everywhere, I just called to tell you my evil plan! It involves killing Alaric by killing your girlfriend! Hope that’s okay with you!

Elena Gilbert: Matt! Look out! It’s a tiny blond girl that would do no damage whatsoever to this twenty year old tank you drive!

Matt Donovan: Don’t worry! I’ll just drive over the side of the bridge, just like your parents did a couple of years ago!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, nice symmetry!

Matt Donovan’s Dodge of Doom: Sploosh.

Everyone Who’s Read the Books: Flips the fuck out.

Vampilaric Stabman: Facepunch! Gutkick! Ribsmash!

Damon Salvatore: Hold on, I’m gonna have a nice lie down and flashback.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! I’m just chillin in the middle of the road, like you do.

The Lady of the Manor: And that is when you blow the rape whistle. Even if he looks like that.

Elena Gilbert: I’m not Katherine! I’m Elena! Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Well, it’s nice to officially by the first Salvatore brother to meet you. I look forward to having my cock teased by you for the next five years or so. But for right now, loooook into my eeeeeeyyyyyyeeeees, ignore my crow, and forget that we met tonight, just like I’m going to make you forget that time I’m going to make a heartbreaking declaration of selfless love to you. See you later!

Damon Salvatore: Thanks Vampilaric! You’ve helped me learn a valuable lesson! Love conquers all! Well, love and a whole lot of violence. Facesmash!

Matt Donovan: Huh, we’re under water!

Elena Gilbert: Maybe we should roll down the windows!

Matt Donovan: Or open the doors!

Elena Gilbert: But that sounds so hard!

Matt Donovan: And strenuous!

Elena Gilbert: We should just give up and die!

Matt Donovan: Okay!

Stefan Salvatore: Really? You drove off the goddamn bridge again?What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have a drowning fetish or something?

Matt Donovan: Who told you I like water sports?!?

Stefan Salvatore: … I was talking to Elena.

Matt Donovan: Oh.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Thanks for coming to rescue me, but we really need to advance this plot! So why don’t you rescue Matt, and I’ll pretend that I’m physically incapable to undoing my seatbelt, crawling out through the door you just opened, and swimming to safety!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay!

The Lady of the Manor: Oh come the fuck on.

Vampilaric Stabman: Well that’s inconvenient … dies.

Damon Salvatore: Wait a second … if your life is tied to Elena’s life, and the only way you can die is if *she *dies …

Vampilaric Stabman: Wait for it …

Damon Salvatore: Noooooooooooooo!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jeremy! Your much-maligned ability to see ghosts gives my, the real Alaric, the chance to say a fitting goodbye before I wander off into the nether! Be sure to check me out on The Cult, the new CW show in which I ironically confront a violently rabid fanbase!

Elena Gilbert: x_x

Stefan Salvatore: …I done fucked up.

Damon Salvatore: And cue violent lashing out in three … two …

Meredith Fell: Damon, wait! I have great news! When Elena broke her head on the fireplace and Caroline “helped” her headache with all of that booze, I had to take special measures to make sure she’s be okay!

Damon Salvatore: …Define “special measures” …

Elena Gilbert: :-)=

Thomas: FUCK AND YES! FUCK AND YES! FUCK AND YES! Happy dance!

The Plot:* Thickens*.

Seriously, the TVD writers are the best trolls in the game.

When Stefan kissed Elena, I was pretty sure that Elena was going to end up with him. And when she literally said *she loved Stefan, had never fallen out of love with Stefan, and would always love Stefan, well … I figured that was the endgame *for that storyline, and that we would move on to something new next season.

“Maybe if we had met first?” That was just a throwaway line, nothing significant, nothing special.

Teams Stelena rejoices. Team Delena rends their garments, unleashes a torrent of Twitter hate, and starts filling envelopes with white powder.

And deep in the bowels of her super villain volcano fortress of evil, Julie Plec rubs her hands together and laughs.

Because of course *”who I met first” is the criteria by who Elena chooses to spend the rest of her (now eternal) life, and *of course Damon was really the first Salvatore to come back to Mystic Falls. He literally met Elena fifteen minutesbefore Stefan, but that’s enough. The Shipper Wars rage on.

Here’s why that’s not a bad thing.

Yes, it seems like we’re just spinning our wheels right now. Yes, Elena is with Stefan but has “feelings” for Damon. Yes, there’s a glimmer of hope offered to Damon(‘s fans).

But everything changed in the last scene, because Elena is a vampire now.

All of the things Damon has compelled her to forget? Their first meeting, that heartbreaking declaration of love, the realization that he loves her enough to hurt *himself *to give her what she wants?

Elena’s going to remember that now.

And, like Caroline and Tyler, she’s going to be horny, all of the time. Her feelings for both brothers are going to be turned up to elven, her panties are going to be on perpetual fire, and there are two hot guys conveniently nearby.

Same story, vastly different rules.

As an aside, Damon told Elena, under compulsion, that he wants her to get everything she wants. I doubt that it was intentional, but wouldn’t it be *hilarious *if all of the terrible things Elena’s done, like having Damon mind-rape her brother, or letting Bonnie’s mother get killed, etc etc, were all because Damon unthinkingly *compelled *her to be selfish?

I’m really hoping that Vampire!Elena gets the same personality upgrade Vampire!Caroline got. I hope the indecisiveness, the selfishness, and the whininess all fall away, and Elena becomes … well, Katherine, maybe with an extra dash of empathy.

I love how this show pays homage to the books without being a slave to them. For those that haven’t read the books, Book!Elena became a vampire because she drove over Wickery bridge. The circumstances were vastly different (Elena was running from a murderous Damon, if memory serves), but the symmetry is there. It’s a nice touch.

But I swear to god, if Elena sprouts magic wings, I will murder a bitch.

I don’t know how I feel about Kyler. I mean, I’m glad that Klaus is still alive (and that there’s still a show), but … I don’t know that Michael Trevino can do a good enough Joseph Morgan impression to make us *believe *that Klaus is still alive. JoMo’s mannerisms and speech patterns are a big part of what made Klaus awesome, and I hope we don’t lose that.

Also: Caroline can totally sleep with both of her suitors at once now, and it won’t even be weird. Diabolical Devil’s Threeway for the wein.

And it was Bonnie fucking Bennet that saved the day in this episode. The writers have done a *lot *to turn her character around lately. She’s still not my favorite character – and as long as Damon, Caroline and Katherine are around she never will be – but she’s about a million times less annoying and judgy than she used to be.

And I loved her characterization at the end of this episode. “I’m done getting pushed around. I don’t care what the Spirits think. I did this because *I *wanted to.”

Dark Bonnie,y’all. Dark Bonnie. Evil Stefan (briefly) turned a block of wood into the best character on the show, and gave Paul Wesley a chance to show that he was a way better actor than his storylines had implied. I really, really hope this does the same for Kat Graham.

I know a lot of people have been disappointed with this season. And honestly, it has been uneven; there were more episodes that I didn’t care for this season than in the previous two. But there were also more *amazing *stories. The flashbacks to Chicago, Evil Stefan, the maturation of Damon and Elena, Klaus, Evilaric … there were a *lot *of reasons to love Season Three.

And I’m really excited for Season Four. The love triangle is moving to the next level. Bonnie is on her way to the dark side.

And Elena is a motherfucking vampire. Finally.

On to the next season!