Vampire Diaries – S04E01 – Growing Pains

Let’s see … where were we? Stefan, a hundred and sixty year old vampire, moved back to Mystic Falls in order to hit on and/or murder teenage girl Elena Gilbert. Elena was a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, a Bulgarian girl who turned herself into a vampire in order to cheat a witch’s curse that made her blood the key to an Original vampire becoming a werewolf.

Stefan’s brother Damon also moved back to town, partially to torment Stefan but also because he TOTALLY SAW ELENA FIRST AND YOU CAN’T DENY IT SO THERE, because apparently relationships are solved by dibs, I called shotgun, and no do-overs. Damon was an asshole (and it was glorious), and then, in an ironic twist, he lost his balls in a futile attempt to claim Elena’s vagina. Team Damon was sad that their favorite character had lost some of his pizzaz, but were excited that Damon might finally get see first-hand whether or not Elena and Katherine are identical twins. But the joke was on them, because TVD’s mission statement is “cock tease Damon.”

Speaking of cock teases, Stefan and Klaus totally toured the South East, leaving a trail of bodies so wide and so long that you just know a team of FBI profilers is trailing them off-screen. Evil!Stefan was the best thing to ever happen to that character, but all of that development was undone by Elena’s enchanted hoo-ha.

Caroline Forbes is Elena’s best frenemy, who got turned into a vampire and instantly became a bajillion times more awesomer. She’s dating Tyler, a werewolf who got turned into a vampire hybrid by Klaus, the most charming creeper on television. Klaus has more daddy issues than a room full of strippers and a penchant for showing his disapproval through random acts of wanton violence, like ripping your heart out through your spleen or kicking a soccer ball literally through your front door. Klaus had a pretty big family, but they killed off all the boring ones. Now it’s just Klaus, Rebekah, and Elijah, who …

Sorry, I hate to wait for the screams to die down. People freak the fuck out when they hear Elijah’s name.

Klaus’ witch mother turned the local history teacher into a self-loathing, homicidal vampire who rammed a piece of magic wood through Klaus’ heart, so Klaus jumped into Tyler’s body. The fact that he has a thing for Tyler’s girlfriend had nothing to do with that choice, no sir.

The person who facilitated that body snatching was Bonnie, a witch so powerful that she”d be in over her head in an empty kiddie pool. But Bonnie is apparently sick of being everybody’s butt monkey, because she’s started mumbling in grim-sounding Latin and getting weird black veins all over her face and hands. This excites me to no end, because I loved Dark Willow.

In the last episode of Season Three, Rebekah threw Elena off a bridge because of reasons. Fortunately Stefan was there, but unfortunately he forgot that he has super speed and super strength, and Elena died. But that’s okay, because she had Damon’s blood in her system, because it turns out head trauma plus bleeding ears equals why is the room spinning also I’m going to die tee hee.

So now Elena’s turning into a vampire, which is apparently terrible because being young and pretty and rich forever is a horrible curse or something. And if any of that made sense to you, well, welcome home. Now, on with the show …