Vampire Diaries – S04E01 – Growing Pains

Damon’s Balls (Lefty): God, I can’t believe Damon just got rid of us like that.

Damon’s Balls (Righty): And for a girl, too. Jesus, it’s like he doesn’t realize that he can compel entire sororities to cater to his every whim.

Damon’s Balls (Lefty): Those were the days, weren’t they? Now he’s strictly a one-mopey-girl-with-suicidal-tendencies-and-a-nasally-whine man.

Damon’s Balls (Righty): And even if he managed to get into her pants, what would he do without us?

Damon’s Balls (Lefty): Probably cuddle and read each other diary entries or some crap.

Damon’s Balls (Righty): Shudder. We can’t let him go down like this, man. Let’s head back to Mystic Falls!

Damon’s Balls (Lefty): Right on! …Right after I finish this Mai Tai.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan oh Stefan help me Stefan my head is splitting and it’s like there’s knives in my eyes and bombs in my ears and these silk sheets feel so scratchy against my skin and I’m not an idiot I know what this means!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s right, Elena, you’re-

Elena Gilbert: I’m Daredevil!

Damon Salvatore: Oh Jesus Christ. No. Remember when Klaus kidnapped you?

Elena Gilbert: Which time?

Damon Salvatore: And then you hit your head? And we didn’t think that was a big deal because you don’t ever use you head? But then it turned out that your brain is still important for things like keeping your heart beating? Well Dr. Stabbycut gave you some of my blood to keep your noodle in your noggin, and since you had my blood in your body when Stefan LET YOU DROWN SO HE COULD SAVE MATT GODDAMN DONOVAN, you’re becoming a vampire now.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! But I don’t want to be a vampire! Vampires are rich and beautiful and immortal and can eat all of the cheesecake they want and never get a belly and why am I complaining about this again?

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t worry, Elena! I talked to Bonnie, and she’s pretty sure she can-

Damon Salvatore: That’s it, I’m out!

The Lady of the Manor: Three seasons later, and Bonnie is still their go-to problem solver? Does Stefan secretly want Elena to die? Or is he just kinda dumb?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! I just wanted to run something by you.

Stefan Salvatore: Is this about Sorority Sisters III – Greek Girl on Greek Girl? Because I know you hadn’t watched it, but I needed room on the DVR for Downton Abbey and-

Damon Salvatore: No, this is about you leaving Elena, this girl you claim to love, at the bottom of a river while you rescued Matt Goddamn Donovan.

Stefan Salvatore: I had no choice! She told me to save Matt first! And if I had let Matt die, the fans would have murdered me!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, you were in a real pickle. Hey, let’s play the what-if game!

Stefan Salvatore: I love the what-if game! I’ll start! What if it was my birthday and you got me one of those giant cakes with a stripper inside, but instead of a stripper it was Klaus and he popped out and sang Happy Birthday like Marilyn Monroe and then-

Damon Salvatore: Wow, you have issues you don’t even know about, don’t you? Anyway, what if Elena and Matt were trapped in a car at the bottom of Mystic River? And what if you had super speed, and could easily save Matt and get back to Elena before she drowned? and what ifyou were strong enough to just pick up the car and throw it back onto dry land? Do you see any ways this problem could have been avoided?

Stefan Salvatore: “Happy birthday, Mr. President …”

Damon Salvatore: …I give up.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Elena! Do you want to talk about what you’re going through? Because I remember when this happened to my ex-girlfriend …

Elena Gilbert: And I remember that you were compelled to forget that!

Jeremy Gilbert: …Right you are! See you later!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Kyler! Why are you keeping the charred remains of your former body laying around?

Kyler: Well, when they announced that Joseph Morgan wasn’t going to be on Season Four, ratings dropped by fifty percent and Julie Plec received sixty-three death threats within the first three minutes. Needless to say, he’s now been signed on for a six-seasons-and-a-movie deal.

Bonnie Bennet: Okay then! So I assume we’re going to want to explore all of the possibilities of you being in Tyler’s body, so I should plan to put you back in JoMo …

Kyler: Right around 8:45pm.

Bonnie Bennet: …Of course.

The Lady of the Manor: Where did Klaus’ accent go? You don’t lose an accent just because you get a new tongue!

Thomas: The Doctor always does.

The Lady of the Manor: Shut up.

Neville the Corgipire: I <3 Tyler! You let him go!

Oliver the Doxiepire: I pooped in your shoes!

Meredith Fell: Hi Father Fuckhead! Are you here for your colonoscopy, which you are strangely adamant about receiving on a weekly basis?

Father Fuckhead: Hi Meredith! Nope, I’m just here to institute theocratic rule and crush all those who refuse to follow God’s law!

Meredith Fell: The people of Mystic Falls will never stand for this!

Father Fuckhead: Meredith, our current Mayor inherited her position when her husband died. The people of Mystic Falls are not real clear on how democracies work.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I just stopped by to remind you and the audience that I love Tyler but think he’s dead!

Matt Donovan: And assure me that what happened to Elena wasn’t my fault?

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, sure, whatever!

Jackboot Johny: Hi Matt! Hey, there aren’t any vampires in here by any chance, are there?

Matt Donovan: …No?

Jackboot Johny: Darn it! This job is so much harder than the TV show makes it seem.

Father Fuckhead: Hi Mayor Lockwood! Let’s talk about how your son is an abomination before the eyes of the Lord!

Carol Lockwood: Oh come on, his hair isn’t that bad!

Father Fuckhead: Hi Sheriff Forbes! We need to discuss your daughter’s wanton harlotry and inexcusable perversity!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: You can’t persecute my daughter just because she’s a vampire!

Father Fuckhead: Wait, you’re daughter’s a vampire? I thought she was just a garden-variety slut …

Sheriff Liz Forbes: I am going to side-eye you so bad …

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I made you lunch!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Unless that lunch comes wrapped in a nubile young football player, I’m not interested!

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, that’s not like you! The vampire transition must already be happening!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no, it’s just that neither of the men in my life have had any balls for the last ten episodes. Girl’s got needs, you know?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Why are you in my bedroom?

Damon Salvatore: Because you’re turning into a vampire, and all of the things I made you forget are now rushing back into your brain like tiny little fan-torturing missiles! To whit: I love you, Elena. And it’s because I love you that… I can’t be selfish with you. Why you can’t know this. I don’t deserve you. But my brother does. God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this. But you do, so… look into my eyes. Single tear.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! Even though I very clearly chose Stefan in the last episode, my heart is now once again conflicted! Will this dastardly triangle ever be resolved? You’d better tune in every week for the next fifteen seasons to find out!

The Producers: Muahahaha!

The Lady of the Manor: OMG you guys, that forehead kiss …

Damon Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! I’d like to talk to you about how you murdered the only girl currently dating my brother that I love!

Father Fuckhead: Hi Damon! Before you get into that, I’d like to talk to her about her shamefully uncovered hair and brazenly displayed ankles!

Damon Salvatore: …You know what? You go ahead with this one. I’ll be in the bar, trying to forget that I live in this town.

The Door: Bang!

The Windows: Crash!

The Security System: Whoop whoop whoop!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan Stefan Stefan are you all right Stefan!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, you know how my super-speed didn’t work when I tried to drag you out of your watery grave? Turns out it’s also ineffective against muscle-bound federal marshals and Episcopalian priests.

Elena Gilbert: Sometimes I like to imagine that you’re useful!

Carol Lockwood: Hi honey! I just wanted to let you know that I was charged with aiding and abetting unholy monsters by our new Vicar of Christ, and that he stole your girlfriend and is carting her off to vampire jail!

Kyler: Hold on a minute, I have to go wreck everybody’s shit.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Rebekah! Your mother’s evil plan has resulted in doom for us all!

Rebekah: Doom for you, maybe. I’m an Original. They can hit me with a flamethrower and it won’t even chip a nail.

Kyler: Good point! I guess that means I don’t have to rescue you, doesn’t it!

Rebekah: …Dammit.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Damon! I just dropped by to tell you that I have no useful information!

Meredith Fell: And your blood supply has dried up!

Matt Donovan: Well at least Mystic Falls High still has it’s star quarterback, am I right? Hey, why do Damon’s eyes twitch like that when he looks at me.

Damon Salvatore: See? It is possible to survive for a few minutes without breathing! Stefan totally could have come back for you! But noooooo, we have to honor stupid Elena’s stupid choices so she’ll take off her stupid pants and let us play with her stupid-

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Um, Damon? He’s turning purple.

Father Fuckhead: Hi Elena! I brought you here to my creepy cabin in order to fulfill a promise I made to your parents!

Elena Gilbert: You promised my parents you’d use me as bait to lure the Salvatores out of hiding?

Father Fuckhead: Well, not in so many words, no.

Caroline Forbes: I’m so happy you’re alive! Let’s not talk at all but immediately take off all our clothes and have completely consensual sex!

Kyler: Yeah, speaking of “consensual…” this penis is kind of being held against its will.

Bonnie Bennet: “Spirits show your awesome might, eliminate this season’s strife, bring Elena back to life!”

Jeremy Gilbert: So … still useless, huh?

Bonnie Bennet: Nuh uh! I can totally kill myself, taipse on over to the Other Side, find Elena’s soul, and bring her back to life!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wow, that’s impressive! Where did you get that kind of power?

Bonnie Bennet: Deal with the Devil what deal with the Devil I didn’t make a deal with the Devil that’s crazy talk why would you even say that I just looked up spells on Bing over my MyFi internet connection I didn’t make a deal with the Devil!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, we just need to figure out where Pastor Prickface is holding Elena, Stefan, Caroline, Rebekah, and Jesus does this town have any humans left in it?

Matt Donovan: He might have them on his farm …

Damon Salvatore: It would have to be somewhere secluded, somewhere out of the way …

Matt Donovan: You mean like his farm?

Damon Salvatore: Somewhere he could keep people prisoner …

Matt Donovan: You mean like the cattle pens on his farm?

Damon Salvatore: Somewhere he would feel safe, somewhere that felt like home …

Matt Donovan: He’s probably keeping them on his farm.

Damon Salvatore: Wait, I know! I bet he has them on his farm!

Matt Donovan: I’d drive you there, but my truck is on the bottom of Mystic River.

Damon Salvatore: To the Damonmobile!

Matt Donovan: It was my last worldly possession. Now all I own is a toothbrush and a dirty football jersey.

Rebekah: Hi Elena! Sorry I killed you a ton! Also, judging by your deathly pallor, clammy skin, and blood-shot eyes, I’m also sorry you haven’t fed on human blood fast enough to prevent you from dying a ton more!

Elena Gilbert: That’s okay Rebekah! I forgive you for everything, and we should be best friends for the five minutes I have left!

Rebekah: Yeah, that was sarcasm. God you’re dense.

Bonnie Bennet: “No more magic that’s nice and dainty, or a character who acts all saintly, I’ll use magic that makes my skin all veiny!”

Jeremy Gilbert: I … don’t think it’s supposed to work that way.

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! I did a real spell, and it really worked! Now you don’t have to die or become a vampire!

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, that’s great! I was-

Grandma Bennet: Bonnie, what have I told you about helping?

Bonnie Bennet: That I suck at it?

Grandma Bennet: Exactly. Hopedash.

Elena Gilbert: :-(=

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I’m dying! I need blood!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t worry babe! I’ll help!

Elena Gilbert: Thank you Stefan! You always-

Stefan Salvatore: Guard! Guard Guard Guard Guard Guard! My girlfriend is a half vampire and unless you let her eat you she won’t complete the transition into a blood-sucking hell beast!

Elena Gilbert: …Thanks, Stefan. Very helpful.

Kyler: Okay, I’m right sick of not being able to do the sex to Caroline without it being all “rape by fraud” and stuff, so let’s get me back into JoMo!

Bonnie Bennet: Sorry Kyler, but I just got a very stern warning about using black magic!

Kyler: Okay then, how about this … you put me back in my body, or I’ll rip Tyler’s heart out and jump into someone else.

Neville the Corgipire: If you hurt Tyler I will bite your ankle!

Oliver the Doxiepire: I peed on the blanket!

Jeremy Gilbert: Don’t you need a witch to do that?

Kyler: What’s to say I don’t have one? Or ten? Or a hundred?

Jeremy Gilbert: The fact that you aren’t having one of them put you back in your body?

Kyler: …shut up.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m starting to think Damon was right!

Elena Gilbert: That I should have fed on human blood earlier this morning, thus completing my transition into a vampire and saving my life?

Stefan Salvatore: Well I was talking about how awesome Revenge is, but yeah, if you want to get all depressing and mopey, sure.

Matt Donovan: Okay, what’s the plan?

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Matt Donovan: …oh darn it.

Damon Salvatore: Om nom nom tasty annoying quarterback nom!

Father Fuckhead: Damon Salvatore, I command you in the name of our Lord and Savior to release that innocent boy!

Damon Salvatore: Well if there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s a respect for authority figures and careful adherence to religious doctrine!

Father Fuckhead: And if there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s having a bunch of jack-booted thugs hiding in the bushes ready to shoot any vampires on sight.

Damon Salvatore: …crap.

Jackboot Johny: Bang!

Bonnie Bennet: “Maybe this year my story won’t suck, and Mystic Falls will be out of luck, and I’ll become an evil fuck!”

Grandma Bennet: Bonnie! What did I tell you about meddling in dark magic?

Bonnie Bennet: That the spirits would get angry and remove you from the cast list?

Grandma Bennet: …Well that hardly seems fair at all.

Rebekah: Mr. Guard, oh Mr. Guard, could I trouble you for a spot of tea and a crumpet?

Jackboot Johny: No, but I’d be happy to pour you a nice warm glass of shut the hell up!

Stefan Salvatore: And I’d be happy to bash your head against the cell wall until your brain leaks out your ear and your blood spills out onto the floor, tantalizingly close to Elena’s outstretched fingers!

Jackboot Johny: …I kind of don’t like that plan.

Elena Gilbert: Om nom nom tasty fascist thug nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Getting Shit Done since 2012.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys, have you ever seen Equilibrium? There’s this cool scene where the good guy fights a bunch of shotgun-wielding Nazis, takes their guns from them, then shoots them in the face.

Jackboot Johny: But you’re a vampire! Vampires don’t shoot people!

Damon Salvatore: Right you are! Super Damon stabbing a guy in the fucking heart with his fucking shotgun because I am that fucking awesome powers activate!

Damon’s Balls: Hi guys! We’re back! What did we miss?

Matt Donovan: Hey Damon! Thanks for saving my-

Damon Salvatore: Facekick!

Matt Donovan: -Life.

Elena Gilbert: Super vampire rushing to the aide of mashed potatoes because it gives me an excuse to show off my snazzy red eyes and nifty sharp teeth powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Really? Your first act as a vampire is to save this douche canoe? You know what? Stefan can have you. Now where did I leave those cheerleaders?

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t worry, Matt! You can suckle at my wrist! And that will make everything better!

Matt Donovan: Dude, you really need to stop asking guys to suck your wrist.

Damon Salvatore: Well this was fun and all, but you guys can go fuck yourselves or murder a pack of bunnies or whatever it is you guys do for fun.

Elena Gilbert: See you later Damon! Oh, by the way, I totally remember how you were the first Salvatore I met and how you told me you loved me and how you made me forget because it wasn’t fair to tell me that and how you were a standup guy and way nicer to me than I probably deserved and I almost feel bad for leading you on all this time but not really so let’s pick this up again tomorrow okay bye bye now!

Rebekah: Hi Klaus! Thanks for leaving me with the local pitchfork-carrying mob! Getting tortured a ton was awesome!

Klaus: Hi Rebekah! Your voice is whiney and your accent is stupid and you look like you have a crick in your neck let me fix that for you real quick super JoMo neck snapping powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I wish I could tell you that being a vampire was going to be all awesome all of the time, but that’s just not true! For one, all of your friends are going to grow old and die!

Elena Gilbert: Actually, like ninety percent of my friends are already immortal. And Bonnie’s a witch, so she’s got a good two hundred years in her. And Jeremy will probably turn out to be a leprechaun or something.

Stefan Salvatore: And you’ll have to drink the blood of innocents to survive!

Elena Gilbert: Actually, Damon still has a well-stocked freezer full of tasty O-Negative.

Stefan Salvatore: And you’ll explode if you go out in the sunlight!

Elena Gilbert: Actually, Bonnie made me a magic ring, just like yours and Damon’s and Caroline’s! They’re so easy to make that they didn’t even think it was necessary to show it on-screen!

Stefan Salvatore: Being a vampire is terrible!

Father Fuckhead: Hi everyone, thanks for coming, everybody please find your seats, that’s right, pass out the vervain palm fronds, grab a cup of Kool-Aide.

Joe Sixpack: Um, why exactly is our religious leader passing out poison drinks again?

Sally Smith: And why does it smell like gas in here?

Joe Sixpack: And why is he playing with that lighter?

Father Fuckhead: Okay everybody, I’ve got some great news! We’ve been chosen by God to be the first members of a super secret club!

Sally Smith: It isn’t the “our pastor blew us up and now we’re stuck haunting Mystic Falls because we died horrible deaths of tragedy and woe” club, is it!

Father Fuckhead: I made t-shirts and everything!

The Fortress of Faith: Explodes.

Father Fuckhead’s Mystic Militia: Dies.

The Plot: Thickens.

This was a solid return.

Last season had it’s off moments, and there were grumbles about whether TVD was losing its edge. Maybe, it was suggested, the writers were out of things to say. Well tonight the writers kicked in our living room doors, tied us all to chairs, slapped us in the face, and told us to suck on it. TVD is back, and it’s back with one of the strongest episodes we’ve seen in a while.

The new voiceover has everyone in a tizzy, but I kind of don’t mind it. I know that it’s change and that change is scary, and it’s kinda-sorta breaking the fourth wall, but look at it this way: the cold open needs to catch everyone up so they’re ready to see the latest episode. Now think about everything they had to communicate in those short thirty seconds. Vampires. Love triangles. Witches. Curses. Spells. Betrayals. Deaths. Resurrections. Everything I talked about in my where were weand then some. Finding clips to communicate all of this information would have been a pain right in the ass, and I honestly don’t blame them for saying “the hell with it” and just having the characters tell us what’s what.

I was really happy with how the Caroline / Kyler issue was resolved. I was really worried that Kyler was going to bang Caroline in the woods, and even more worried that it would later be laughed off as a little bit of harmless rape. I’m really, really happy that Caroline saw through Klaus’ deception … but I also like how Klaus was portrayed in this scene. His throwaway line about “wrong time, wrong equipment” seemed to suggest that he wouldn’t have actually gone through with it. That might be a bit out of character for him, but I’m still happy about it. That would have been a kick the puppy moment for me, and I don’t know that I could have accepted anything between Caroline and Klaus after that.

I like where Bonnie’s character arc is heading. They’ve been teasing Dark Bonnie for a while now, and it really looks like we’re going to see her unravel this season. And like any tragic hero, Bonnie is doing it for all the right reasons … to save Elena, or Tyler, or her whole town. Her cause is righteous, but her actions are pretty squarely in the gray zone, and the consequences … well I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens now that she doesn’t have Grams to smack her on the nose and call her an idiot, she’s cut off from the hundred dead witches, and her only source of power is the Big Bad Dark Thing she keeps flirting with.

And then there’s Elena. I like how they handled the transition. We all knew she wasn’t going to die, but for a moment you could almost believe that Bonnie would, for once in her life, pull off the big spell when it counts and prevent Elena’s transition. I would have walked to Georgia and set the fucking set on fire if that happened, but it did create dramatic tension.

I’m glad that it was Stefan who managed to save her, too. Stefan needs more Getting Shit Done moments, and I love it when he shows his ruthless side. Sergeant Biceps was nothing but a convenient blood bag to Stefan, and if he had to smash his head against a bunch of iron bars until it cracked like a pomegranate, well … I love the “I will do goddamn anything to save Elena” mentality Stefan showed.

I also like that Damon was there, but he wasn’t the one who saved the day … or even the good guy. This episode showcased my favorite Damon, the Damon I was waiting to see most of last season: the Damon who’s infatuated with Elena but also annoyed with her, the Damon who just doesn’t give a damn and is going to be as impulsive, destructive, and reckless as he wants.

Elena’s vampirism is going to crystalize the biggest difference the Salvatore brothers have: Stefan will want her to be abstinent, like him, and live on a diet of bunnies and kittens. Damon, on the other hand, is going to tell her that starving a wild animal is a bad, bad idea, and will teach her how to feed the animal without giving it control.

I side firmly with Damon on that one, but watching the argument happen is going to be fantastic.

I also think it was important that Elena’s first act as a vampire was to (kind of) kick Damon’s ass … in order to save Matt. That shows that she’s 1. not the Salvatore’s bitch, and 2. she’s still a hero at heart. That’s going to make it a lot easier for us to forgive her when she inevitably falls off the wagon.

Because that’s going to happen, folks. Elena will, within a couple of episodes, be a very nice person who just happens to have killed a few people. That’s true of every vampire on the show: both Salvatores, Caroline, Tyler … we root for them, but they all have dirty hands.

And me? I’m really looking forward to Elena getting her hands dirty.

This was a good episode, and it set the stage for a good season. Welcome back, TVD. We’ve missed you.