Vampire Diaries – S04E04 – The Five

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Whatcha looking for?

Damon Salvatore: The Tome of the Five Vampire Hunters.

Stefan Salvatore: The Tome of the Five Vampire Hunters? I’ve never heard of the Tome of the Five Vampire Hunters! How do you know there’s a Tome of the Five Vampire Hunters?

Damon Salvatore: Well, I don’t, but come on. This is Mystic Falls … there’s always a Secret Amulet or a Magic Moon Rock or a Slaughter Stake or something, so I just figured this problem would be solved with a McGuffin, too.

Stefan Salvatore: Problem? What problem? I’m fine just fine totally don’t even want to eat the lunch crowd at the Grill and scatter their body parts all around town and Elena is just fine too she’s satisfied emotionally, nutritionally, and sexually especially sexually why would you even think she wasn’t being satisfied sexually that’s crazy talk hahaha!

Damon Salvatore: Well, I was talking about the vampire hunting Terminator that blew himself up last episode, but your issues suddenly seem way more interesting …

Sheriff Liz Forbes (on the phone): Hi Damon! Great news! You know that vampire hunting Terminator that blew himself up last episode? Someone disposed of his body for us, so now we don’t have to go to the expense of doing an autopsy or burying him in an unmarked grave!

Damon Salvatore: …god damn it. I don’t have time to hunt a vampire hunter and take Elena to a frat party!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Damon told me he was taking you to college to teach you how to vampire! And I’d like to make a suggestions … literally anybody else in the entire world please it could be Caroline or Klaus or Rebekah or hell even Bonnie she looks like she’s ripped out a few throats in her day but please for the love of god and my ego not my brother please.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, don’t be jealous! I just need Damon to fulfill the needs that you can’t! But I’ll totally come back to you once I’ve taken advantage of him!

Stefan Salvatore: Crossbow!

Elena Gilbert: Haha wow, you almost got me! See, you’re a great teacher! You’re teaching me how to avoid getting shot by a vampire hunter!

Stefan Salvatore: …yes, yes, that is what I was doing. Totally that.

The Lady of the Manor: I think it’s cute how Stelena keep trying and trying to be sexy.

Rebekah: Hi Matt! I bought you a “sorry I threw you off a bridge and nearly killed you and did kill your ex-girlfriend and also kinda ruined your tuck” truck!

Matt Donovan: Thanks Rebekah! I got you a present, too!

Rebekah: Is it that thing you do where your hand is a jack-in-the-box, and you crank your thumb around, and then when the song ends your middle finger pops up?

Matt Donovan: …maybe.

Klaus: Wow, your luck with men is terrible! Speaking of, remember that time you fell in love with a guy who wanted nothing more than to stab you in the face and genocide your entire family? Well funny story …

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Elena! Thanks for coming along to tour the campus with me! I sure hope you’re not still a blood-starved hellbeast when we’re Freshmen!

Elena Gilbert: Oh Bonnie, don’t be silly! I can’t go to college! That would distract me from all of the moping and self loathing I have to do!

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on … even I went to college.

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: …

Damon Salvatore: What? Where else do you find sorority girls? :-)=

Professor Dumbledore: So yeah … vampires, werewolves, hybrids, ghosts … witches are responsible for pretty much everything. I mean, if I didn’t know better, I’d think they were trying to make the world a terrible place. So, any questions?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi, Professor? Yeah, I was just wondering, would you like to do the sex to me now, or should we wait a respectable three episodes?

Elena Gilbert: Damon! I’m afraid of becoming a Ripper!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry Elena, I’ll teach you how to navigate your primal urges and murderous lusts! And the first lesson is … lesbians!

Betty Blonde: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! I came over here to talk to you about the Five Vampire Hunting Terminators or whatever they’re called, but the I got distracted by this handsome, well-built, and mostly naked man you have tied up in your dungeon!

Klaus: Yeah, he’s actually one of the Terminators.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh! …Oh. :-(=

Klaus: So how’s your girlfriend lately? Any desire to become human again?

Klaus: Hi Elijah!

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: SQUEEEEE!

Klaus: …Anyway, I’ve been thinking … maybe walking from Germany to Denmark and making a few dozen new vampires in every town along the way wasn’t a great idea!

Elijah: What makes you say that?

Brock: Behold! A vile demon born in the pits of hell!

Donnie the Dung Covered Villager: He turned me into a newt!

Everyone: …

Donnie the Dung Covered Villager: Well I got better.

Brock: As I was saying, behold! A vile demon born in the pits of hell! A monster who drinks our blood and bathes in our tears! And lo, he does have many brothers, and a few sisters, and a bunch of cousins, and, well … look, the whole damn town is vampires, okay? Let’s get murdering!

Rebekah: Wait, you hate me? I must have your babies!

The Lady of the Manor: So … I love me some Elijah, but that beard is not doing his diamond-cutting jaw any favors.

Matt Donovan: Hi April! Thanks for taking up a table during the busiest time of day and then ordering no food!

April Young: I have no money because my family exploded in some sort of religious suicide cult thing.

Rebekah: It’s okay, April, I’ll buy you lunch! And your affections!

Matt Donovan: You can’t buy love, Rebekah! Although I am keeping the truck. And I might be wearing my leopard print underwear. Just saying.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi April! Brainscramble! Hi Rebekah! If you help Klaus I’ll help you by talking to Matt about forgiving you, even though you could easily have him answer your every whim with your magic powers! And I’ll guilt Elena into becoming bulimic! And also forgiving you for killing her a ton!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, just like we practiced, okay? Snatch, eat, erase. Easy as pie, except pie is sweeter than blood and doesn’t have boobs.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Betty! Can you give me the reading assignment from our anthropology class? And a pint of your blood!

Betty Blonde: I sure can!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, that picture on your phone! Who is that?

Betty Blonde: Oh, that’s my third cousin’s best friend’s neighbor’s aunt’s friend’s puppy!

Elena Gilbert: Alas! I cannot bring myself to eat someone whose third cousin has a best friend with a neighbor who has an aunt with a friend with a puppy! I shall forever starve! Woe!

Damon Salvatore: Oh are you fucking kidding me?

The Lady of the Manor: How is it that being a vampire made her even lamer? Is that her enhanced characteristic? Vampire Elena, now with extra emo and lots of lame!

Rebekah: This is bullshit! This guy doesn’t have any magic tattoos!

Klaus: They aren’t visible to anyone except Jeremy Gilbert!

Rebekah: You broke my neck!

Klaus: You threw out my doppelganger blood!

Rebekah: You erased Beauty and the Beastfrom our DVR!

Klaus: That’s the worst new show of the season!

Rebekah: You take that back!

Klaus: You go to hell!

Stefan Salvatore: Let me just take a moment to list some of the millions of people I would rather be with right now.

Frat Boy Freddie: Hi ladies! Welcome to our serial killer themed frat party! I look forward to drugging and raping the both of you later tonight!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Nice Jack the Ripper costume!

Damon Salvatore: Costume? These are just the clothes I wore in Whitechapel when I … nevermind.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey look, it’s Professor Dumbledore! I’m going to go make his magic wand disappear!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going to eat a rapist!

Frat Boy Freddie: Hi Elena! Can I interest you in a Coke & Roofies?

Elena Gilbert: Can I interest you in looking into my eyes? Fangs!

Damon Salvatore: I am so turned on right now.

Elena Gilbert: Me too!

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Connor Jordan: Jeremy Gilbert! I tried to murder you sister, her boyfriends, and literally everyone else in your life, and offered you a career in thankless service, frequent danger, occasional murder, and the best double-wide trailer your victims’ money can buy! Why would you betray me like this?

Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, the model’s not supposed to talk. It makes things all weird.

Brock: So yeah, the tattoos are a map, the swords are like a compass, and I’m going to stick my magic dagger into you now.

Rebekah: …You’re not talking about your penis, are you?

Brock: No.

Rebekah: :-(=

Klaus: Hi Brock! Funny story, but Magic Daggers of Vampire Vengeance don’t work on me because of reasons! Tonguerip! Swordstab!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait wait wait … if this guy was all gung-ho, let’s slaughter some vampires, why was Rebekah all tee hee hee, I seem to have lost my knickers?

Klaus: You mean other than her consistently, amazingly abominable taste in men?

Rebekah: Well, he did say he had a way to make vampires human again.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh happy days are here again! Elena will be human again! And I can have sex like a normal man! Oh happy days are here again!

The Twitters: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK YOU GET YOUR FUCKING VAMPIRE RESETTING FUCK STICK THE FUCK AWAY FROM OUR FUCKING ELENA OR WE WILL FUCKING FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING FACE! FUCK! SHIT! ASS DAMN HELL! TITS COCK AND ASS! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

The Producers: We … seem to have struck a nerve.

Klaus: So yeah, magic tattoos and magic swords lead to a magic doohicky that will make Elena human and our rating plummet. Someone pass the salt?

Professor Dumbledore: Hi Bonnie! I was great friends with your grandmother! We talked about magic all the time! Do you practice?

Bonnie Bennet: No, not really. I just kind of make shit up as I go along.

Professor Dumbledore: Hey, would you like to see a magic trick?

Bonnie Bennet: …does that trick involve making my clothes disappear?

Professor Dumbledore: …maybe.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I feel so good! I’m having so much fun! We’re connecting so deeply!

Damon Salvatore: I sure hope nothing happens to ruin your buzz!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! I’m here to ruin everything!

Klaus: Hi Jeremy! Nice work with the tattoo, but … where in the bleeding hell is the rest of it?

Connor Jordan: Oh yeah, funny story … more of the tattoo fills in every time I kill a vampire!

Klaus: Well fortunately I have a town full of people I can turn into vampires and throw at your feet! Hey Henry? I’m going to go kidnap a bunch of people, you watch the Terminator while I’m gone. And whatever you do, don’t get killed and let him escape!

Henry the Hybrid: Sure thing, boss!

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know what I’ve done! I don’t know what to feel! I don’t know who I am!

Bonnie Bennet: Congratulations! You’re boring again!

Damon Salvatore: Oh just fuck everyone.

Elena Gilbert: Okay!

Bonnie Bennet: …

Elena Gilbert: Sorry.

Thomas: Damon + Elena = Magic. Ironically, Bonnie removes all of that magic with one harpy shriek.

Rebekah: Hi Stefan! I was wondering … if we found the cure, would you take it, or just force it on Elena?

Stefan Salvatore: Are you kidding? A chance to make Elena’s choices for her and become even more boring than I am now? I’d do that in a heartbeat!

Rebekah: Awesome! Well then you’ll be interested to know that the Magic Sword of Making Elena Suck is buried with Brock in front of the church we were to be married in!

Klaus: Thanks Rebekah! Daggerstab!

Rebekah: So many men are sticking unwanted things into me this episode! I feel like I’m surrounded by Republicans!

Klaus: Well, off to Denmark I go! I should be back in ten or fifteen minutes!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan, I fixed your girlfriend. Bonnie broke her again. Don’t worry, she’s still a terrible, emotionally dependent mess.

Stefan Salvatore: :-)=

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’m feeling feels I don’t want to feel!

Team Delena: WELCOME TO OUR HELL, BITCH.

The Lady of the Manor: Welcome to being a teenage girl, Elena.

Elena Gilbert: I don’t want to be a vampire anymore!

Stefan Salvatore: :-)= :-)= :-)=

Connor Jordan: Hey Henry, remember how your boss told you not to die and let me escape?

Henry the Hybrid: …yeah?

Connor Jordan: Well have you ever seen a guy rip someone’s head off with their own restraints?

Henry the Hybrid: :-(=

Connor Jordan: Go to Mystic Falls, you said! It’s nice in Virginia this time of year, you said! You probably won’t get blown up, kidnaped, stripped naked, ogled by a teenage boy, and threatened by a werepire hybrid, you said!

Professor Dumbledore: Okay, so I may have left out a few details about Mystic Falls …

The Plot: Thickens.

Hey, did you guys know I live-tweet vampire Diariesevery Thursday night? Follow me @thomascgalvin and join me for an hour of caps-lock, profanity, and feels!

Guys? I know this opinion is going to be unpopular, but I loved this episode. A band of vampire hunters forged from unholy magic? Mystical swords? Phantom tattoos? Klaus and Stefan at a dinner party, conspiring behind everyone’s back? Elena getting her freak on with a bunch of random college kids? Connor ripping off heads and taking names? This episode was fantastic.

There were two parts I didn’t like, of course, and they’re the things that ruined it for apparently everyone else in the universe. I’m not a Delena shipper, so while Bonnie’s guilt trip annoyed me, it didn’t ruin my sixteenth birthday or drown my kitten, and the “cure” for vampirism is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad rotten idea … but it could lead to some great stories.

The new cold opens are fantastic. I am totally sold. So much easier to get the audience all caught up this way.

Connor is still a Grade-A badass. The guy straight up ripped a man’s head off with his own handcuffs. I am excited to see him go back to Mystic Falls and unleash all kinds of hell. Also? The dude is ripped.

A lot of people accuse me of being anti-Stefan, but that’s not true. I’m anti- boring, stick-in-the-mud, it’s not a party until someone is wallowing in guilt Stefan … and that’s exactly what he is when Elena is around. When he’s on his own, he’s kind of awesome. Even when he’s not full-on Ripper, he has quite a bit of snark stored up.

The problem is Elena. Whenever Stefan is around her, he reverts into a goody-goody, walking on eggshells, morally upright prick. Damon suffered from the same thing, to a lesser degree, last season. Am I Team Stelena? Team Delena? No, I’m team Let The Salvatore Brothers Be Awesome And If Elena Can Stop Being Emo For Five Goddamn Minutes She Can Come Along Too, Maybe.

Honestly, Stelena just bores the shit out of me. I have no desire to watch a vampire try to not be a vampire. Elena was awesome tonight, all the way through the frat party … right up until Bonnie decided that we’d all had too much fun and pissed all over everything. We need more of Petrova Elena, and less of the “woe is me, I might be interesting for a few seconds” Elena.

Really, the only way I can see Stelena holding my interest is if Elena starts to tempt Stefan back toward the dark side. I’m done with the whole “Elena farts sunshine and poops rainbows” thing, but if she started to be more like Damon, and started pushing Stefan back toward his Ripper ways (unintentionally, of course) … well, that would be fun to watch.

They hybrids are such a complete joke. They are literally weaker than even the baby vampires. Have any of them, except Tyler, made it through more than one episode alive? Jesus. They should be terrifying, but instead they’re cannon fodder.

I could get on board with Bonnie and the Professor. Even if he’s evil. Especially if he’s evil. And there’s book-source for a similar relationship, too. Professor Shane seems a lot more like the Alaric of the books, and Bonnie and Alaric were having some very inappropriate student-teacher relations …

I want to like Bonnie. I really do. I like Kat Graham, and life is too short to spend time hating a television character. But they need to give her something to do besides ruining everyone’s fun. Screwing a vampire-hunting college professor and doing dark magic in the adjunct office would be a great start. I’m still holding out for a Dark Bonnie arc, and this could be the seeds for that storyline.

I am, as I keep reminding everyone, not Team Delena. I think both of the brothers are more exciting and more fun when Elena isn’t around, and I don’t want to see Damon get saddles with a hundred pounds of pouty dead weight. That being said, I think the show runners have taken the whole “cock tease Damon Salvatore” thing a bit too far.

I don’t watch previews or read spoilers, so I went into this episode blind. As a result, I really enjoyed it. But Twitter was apparently watching a different episode than I was, because the hate was positively vitriolic. The reason was that this episode, apparently, was billed as a Big Delena Episode … but Elena ended up right back in Stefan’s arms, even more determined to stick to a diet of bunnies and boredom.

I don’t really care that Elena ditched Damon. The boy can take care of himself. And while I’m not wild that she ended up with Stefan (seriously, he’s so much more fun when she’s not around), I can live with it. What made me angry was the Big Fucking Reset Button that got pressed in the last act of the show. Elena was really coming into her own as a vampire, eating rapists, dancing with boys, and generally enjoying herself … and then Bonnie came along to make sure TVD went right back to All Angst All the Time.

Enough is enough. Elena needs to do something other than fawn over Stefan and mope over being young, hot, and powerful forever. Elena with Damon was fun. Elena with Bonnie and Stefan is just annoying.

And I think the fans are getting sick of it. TVD is a guilty pleasure in the best sense of the term. I watch this show to see hot people doing bad things while making sarcastic comments. I don’t need a moral lesson at the end of the show, which is what Bonnie dropped on our heads. We don’t need to feel guilty about the main character being a vampire, because we want to enjoy being a vampire vicariously, through her.

And Team Damon? It seems to me that they consider the advertising for this episode a bait and switch. They don’t seem to have a whole lot of hope anymore, just anger that they’re constantly being teased. That isn’t a good situation for an entertainer to be in.

I just realized something about Bonnie. She isn’t a good guy, she’s an antagonist. Sure, she makes time with the Scoobie gang, and she claims to be friends with Elena and Caroline, but when you come right down to it … Bonnie can be counted on to move against their best interests pretty much one-hundred percent of the time. Damon is, to the shock of no one, right about Elena. Stefan has proven pretty conclusively that abstinence-only education is a complete, fatal disaster waiting to happen. Even Caroline, who was singing Stefan’s praises last week, doesn’t follow his bunnies-and-deer diet. Damon is Elena’s single best chance to win control over the monster inside her.

But Bonnie wasn’t having any of that. She saw Elena doing something she doesn’t approve of, with someone she doesn’t approve of, and swooped right in to make sure Elena felt properly guilty. She’s like an old church lady in a hot teenager’s body.

She isn’t a villain, but she does play the dramatic role of an antagonist. She has the right motives, maybe, but the result of her actions are disastrous more often than not.

Elena going after a guy who was trying to roofie a girl was an interesting choice, and it could have led to a very interesting look at just how nasty compulsion could be. Think about it: Elena had her way with that guy, physically violated him, and then left him with no memories of the event. That’s a pretty strong parallel. And then you have Damon’s entire relationship with Andie, everything he did to Caroline … But all of this might be a deeper pool than TVD wants to swim in.

And then there was the plot line that set the internet on fire … the cure for vampirism. This is another plot line that was lifted from the books, but like everything else on this show, it’s been massively changed. And that’s a good thing, because in the books, this plot line sucked so much ass there was a six-month shortage on glutes.

I absolutely, one-hundred-percent, without equivocation or purpose of evasion, hate the idea of making Elena (or any of the vampires) human again. The reason I watch The Vampire Diaries and not 90210 is that 90210 doesn’t have goddamn vampires, and taking the vampires out of TVD will remove any reason to watch it, too. But here’s the thing …

We should hate the idea that Elena will become a human. Like I said last season, drama isn’t about making characters happy and giving the audience everything they want … it’s about making characters miserable and denying the audience release. You can take it too far (and I think TVD has gone too far in cock teasing Team Delena, to the point that they’r risking some pretty serious fan backlash), but unless something terrible is lurking over the characters’ horizon, there’s no reason to watch.

Remember, the “cure” is actually described as a “weapon,” and that’s how most of the characters should view it. Klaus should be terrified that something might rob him of his invulnerability. Elijah should be petrified that his eternal life could be cut short. Damon should be shaking in his five hundred dollar boots at the thought of growing old, fat, and bald. These people love being vampires, and having that taken away would be devastating. They should fight against it fang and claw, and we, the audience, should be right there with them, praying to the TV gods that they win. We’ve already seen the Klaus (and even Damon) can be vicious … what kind of ass will they kick if they think their immortality is threatened?

And the bad guys, Connor, Professor Dumbledore, Bonnie, they should be doing everything they can to get their hands on that weapon, because it’s the best shot they have at winning. How far will they go to obtain it? Who will they hurt? Who will they betray? Can you see Bonnie deciding to be done with this whole vampire mess and wipe out the entire vampire species? I can. And I can see Damon breaking her damn neck before she does. Or even turning her into a vampire like he did her mother.

And then there’s Stefan. Stefan doesn’t want to be a vampire. He wants to have kids, grow old, and then shuffle off this mortal coil. To him, the cure really is a cure. He should be seeking that weapon in order to free himself of the Ripper. He should see it as a token of salvation. The cure will let Stefan and Elena live together, not forever, but for life. It’s exactly what they want …

Except Elena actually likes being a vampire, at least when Bonnie isn’t around to ruin everything, and that could cause all kinds of interesting angst between her and Stefan. What’s going to happen when Stefan sees that Elena really is becoming more like Damon? Will Stefan push Elena away because she’s becoming something he hates? What would happen if Stefan had the opportunity to take the cure … and Elena didn’t want to?

Or here’s an idea … Damon is “cured,” and goes back to hunting down Katherine, so she can re-sire him. What kind of a dynamic would those to have now, after everything that’s happened, if Damon suddenly needs Katherine’s help?

So the cure for vampirism isn’t a bad thing as a plot device. It would be a horrible thing to actually do, at least if it was permanent, but it does sew the seeds for some really interesting stories. So until the writers actually do something terrible, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt.