Vampire Diaries – S04E06 – We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes

Connor Jordan: Hi Elena! You’re a monster!

Elena Gilbert: I am not! I’m the smartest, prettiest, most talented –

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Facestab!

Connor Jordan: You were saying?

Elena Gilbert: Nevermind.

The Lady of the Manor: Anyone else think angry, bloody, shirt-challenged Connor is kind of hot? Everyone? Good.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, sure is a good thing that Jeremy’s still wearing that “bring you back from the dead (and also turning you into a crazed murder machine)” ring! Otherwise that would have been a real cliffhanger!

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh my! I seem to have been momentarily inconvenienced again!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, the big thing is, let’s not tell Stefan about any of this!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, speaking about that …

Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys!

Elena Gilbert: I hate you guys so much.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I was just wondering when you were going to come back to your senses and rejoin Team Stelena!

Elena Gilbert: Actually, I’m angry that you lied to me repeatedly, put my loved ones in danger, and plotted with the supernatural slaughter spigot that has tried to both kill me and keep me alive in order to drain my blood / make me have lots of babies. So I think I kind of need a time out.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m sorry, I know what all of those words mean, but when you say them in that order …

Klaus: Hi guys! I just dropped by to celebrate my Hybrid’s amazing success in the area of carrying out simple tasks and not dying at the hands of a chump guest star, but then I realized that my Hybrids are the most useless collection of no-name death magnets since the Emperor’s Storm Troopers. Speaking of, you over there, in the corner? What’s your name?

Chris Killtarget: …Chris.

Klaus: Hi Chris, nice to meet you. Terribly sorry about what’s going to happen to you tonight.

Chris Killtarget: Wait, what’s going to happen to me?

Klaus: No idea, but since you’re a Hybrid and a minority, I can only assume that you’re going to die horribly by the end of the episode.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! You’re stupid and you’re smelly and you’re a jerk and you’re frequently tardy and I’m done so here’s all your junk goodbye!

Klaus: Dearest Caroline, your panties look so desperately empty … perhaps I could hop in them for a spell?

Caroline Forbes: Yay! It worked! We fooled Klaus into thinking we had broken up because of Faye!

Faye Chamberlain: Yep, we sure “fooled” him. Thumbsuck.

Elena Gilbert: That’s funny, I got in this shower in order to wash the blood off (and bump the ratings a bit), not get covered in more hallucination blood! Being crazy sucks!

Klaus: Hi Stefan! Just a head’s up, but the Hunky Hunters all have a death curse cast on them, so if Elena starts seeing things that aren’t there, screaming about how monstrous she is, or stabbing random people …

Elena Gilbert: Help help help help bees bees are attacking me they’re attacking me because I’m a terrible horrible person bees bees bees bees bees stab stab stab stab stab!

Klaus: Well that didn’t take long. Elenayoink!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Matt, do you see a mystic vampire hunter tattoo on my hand?

Matt Donovan: Um, no?

Jeremy Gilbert: Good me either certainly not becoming a walking death machine well got to go talk to you later hahaha bye bye!

April Young: Hi guys! Did you know that my Great Aunt Petunia was killed by feral grasshoppers? It was so weird!

Professor Dumbledore: Hi guys! Thanks for helping me set up my Demons, Devils, Monsters, Magic and You exhibit! This isn’t going to drive the conservative parents of Georgia crazy at all!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! We lost Elena!

Damon Salvatore: And we need you to wave your magic wand and get her back!

Bonnie Bennet: No can do! My magic wand is all broken! But … I bet Professor Dumbledore’s magic wand still works …

Klaus: Hi Elena! I brought you here to prevent you from killing yourself!

Elena Gilbert: Kill myself? Please, when have I ever shown any kind of suicidal tendencies?

Klaus: …

Elena Gilbert: Shut up!

The Lady of the Manor: Why is that room full of weeping angels?!?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Caroline! Elena has been kidnapped!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): It’s Thursday already? Man this week has flown by!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Stefan! Did I ever tell you how we figured out how to break the Sire bond to Klaus? And that we helped the racial minority slash useless hybrid who only got a name this episode to free himself?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, one of Klaus’ useless henchmen is now a useless free agent? This changes everything!

Connor Jordan: Hey Elena! Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself!

Elena Gilbert: But Connor! That’s a stupid idea!

Katherine Pierce: Well if anyone’s qualified to talk about stupid …

The Internets: The queen has returned! (In a suicidal hallucination, but still.)

Professor Dumbledore: And this priceless artifact, which I just cart around in my trunk, is thought to be the world’s first tombstone! It belonged to a guy named Silas, who was made immortal by a witch and then buried alive and immortal when he started banging the nanny! Legend has it that he will one day rise from the dead and usher in an(other) apocalypse!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, an immortal, witch-fueled, grief-stricken, revenge driven licht, who was almost certainly buried in Mystic Falls because why not, might be about to rise from the dead and … nah, what are the chances of that?

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Professor! My boobs need your help!

Professor Dumbledore: …And then they all lived happily every after the end. Questions?

Eddy Extra: Yeah, I was wondering-

Professor Dumbledore: No questions! Great! So Bonnie, about your boobs …

April Young: Hey, I remember you! You were there when my Father’s cousin was torn to shreds by angry puppies! Wasn’t that strange?

Katherine Pierce: Hi Elena! You were a terrible human and a terrible girlfriend, and now you’re a terrible vampire! But don’t worry, I’m sire Stefan will reject you now that you’ve lost your humanity!

Elena Gilbert: What? Stefan’s abs love me and they love my boobs and they would never leave me! Tacklegrab!

Katherine Pierce: Um, Elena? Still a figment of your imagination.

Damon Salvatore: Hey buddy! Today’s been shitty, so I’m really glad you kept a 40 in the desk of you high school classroom!

Professor Dumbledore: Hi Damon! Bonnie told me if I answered a few of your questions she’d let me cop a feel!

Damon Salvatore: Awesome! What can you tell me about a bunch of guys that are way too into Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Professor Dumbledore: You mean ComiCon?

Damon Salvatore: No, I mean the corpse in my trunk.

Professor Dumbledore: Oh, that guy! Well, whoever killed him is doomed to suffer indignities and insults from the hallucination of a way better character until the end of time or the end of the episode, whichever comes first! And the curse can only be broken by activating the next Hunter, which can only be done by decapitating a minority slash useless hybrid!

Damon Salvatore: That is so convenient!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Klaus! I would like one Elena Gilbert, please!

Klaus: Let’s see, that’s orange juice, vodka, a spritz of self-loathing, a squeeze of suicide, and a wedge of martyr complex, right? You’d be much happier with a fuzzy navel, darling. And speaking of treasure trails, have you seen me with my shirt off lately?

Chris Killtarget: Hi guys! Boy, I sure hope you aren’t going to ask me to do anything that will get me killed! Tee hee!

Stefan Salvatore: No way … guy! I just want you to betray Klaus, steal his prized doppelganger, and go on the lamb!

Katherine Pierce: You know what the best part of this hallucination is? It proves that somewhere deep down inside, you really do know how terrible you are.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m here to-

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena suicide run powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Alas! Another of my brilliant plans has failed me!

Bonnie Bennet: Why didn’t I know anything about Jeremy being cursed with awesome?

Damon Salvatore: Because you were useless even when you had your powers, and without them you’re basically attractive furniture?

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi guys! What do I have to do to save Elena?

Damon Salvatore: Kill a vampire!

Bonnie Bennet: And become a murder-fueled rage machine like Connor!

Jeremy Gilbert: Great! Someone give me a stake and I’ll do Damon right now!

Thousands of FanFics: Are instantly born.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Damon! Good news, I found Elena! Bad news, I let her escape and now she’s hell bent on ending her miserable existence!

Damon Salvatore: Honestly, I don’t even know why I try.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Caroline! I lost Elena and in order to save her I need to condemn her brother to a short life of misery and violence, and in order to do that I have to murder a random innocent! Got anybody in mind, or should I just go out and turn one of the nameless extras? Remember, I’m the “hero” of this show! LOL

Caroline Forbes: Hey Klaus? You know how I came here to distract you so Stefan could save Elena? Well funny story …

Elena Gilbert: Wait a second, this is where my parents died! And I died! Why, if I killed myself here, it would be poetic!

Mama Gilbert: It sure would! It would be the most poetic, most meaningful thing you’ve ever done! I would be so proud of you if you just took of that Magic Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight and gave yourself a third degree tan! Then we could go to heaven and get ice cream!

Elena Gilbert: Ice cream? I love ice cream! Ringtoss! But wait! I can’t leave Jeremy! Jeremy needs me!

Mama Gilbert: Needs you? He needs you like he needs a butcher knife in the neck. Which, by the way, you provided him with at ten o’clock last night. So …

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m here to talk some sense into you, but since you’re looking at me with that distinct “hallucination of the first human I ever killed” look, I’m guessing that’s going to be a teeeeensy bit hard.

Chris Killtarget: Hi guys! I have to admit, I had my reservations about helping you, but it looks like I’m going to get out of this scott free! I’m heading to-

Klaus: Hi Chris! So sorry to see you go! I’d really like something to remember you by, like your head on my mantle, or your heart in my hand, or-

Faye Chamberlain: You leave him alone, you big meanie!

Klaus: Did I not tell you to mind your business?

Faye Chamberlain: Did you just try to tell me what to do, you eurotrash son of a bitch?!?

Klaus: Whoa, chill out girl!

Faye Chamberlain: Just stared Klaus right the fuck down.

The Lady of the Manor: I could watch these two close-talk threaten each other all day long.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys!

Chris Killtarget: Hi Stefan! Sorry about-

Stefan Salvatore: Hybridstab!

Jeremy Gilbert: Axemurder!

Faye Chamberlain: What in the actual fuck just happened?!?

Elena Gilbert: …That’s funny! I suddenly eel less like murdering myself and more like having lots of post-suicidal-depression sex!

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’ve been here all morning, watching you sleep!

Edward Cullen: Speaking of creepy stalker boyfriends, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II opens this weekend!

Elena Gilbert: We should totally have the sexy sex now!

Damon Salvatore: Yes, we absolutely should, but since you have this hell-fired power to make me a good guy, I should probably tell you that Stefan lied to you in order to find a cure for your character development vampirism.

The Lady of the Manor: Smooch him! You smooch him now!

Caroline Forbes: What a shame about Chris, am I right? Oh well, I’m sure another nameless minority will turn up in a couple of episodes!

Tyler Lockwood: Hey Caroline? Have you ever thought that maybe we shouldn’t wantonly murder anyone we want, just because it’s convenient and they aren’t in the title crawl?

The Lady of the Manor: But Elena Fucking GIlbert needed help! What’s one more murder to protect Elena Fucking Gilbert?

Caroline Forbes: That’s crazy talk, Tyler! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put on my best underwear, my most expensive perfume, and go on a date with Klaus!

Faye Chamberlain: What was that? It sounded like a guy’s pants unzipping, and someone shouting “jump aboard!”

Matt Donovan: Hi Damon! I had the Sheriff do some digging, and it turns out Father Fuckhead was calling Professor Dumbledore like five times a day right up until he murdered himself and twenty other Watchers!

Damon Salvatore: Why, that’s a wacky coincidence!

Matt Donovan: I know! It’s almost like we’re all involved in some intricately connected plot!

Bonnie Bennet: Hi Professor! I find arcane knowledge quite sexy!

Professor Dumbledore: And I find occult power alluring! Speaking of, when that hot young hunter completes his mark, you should bring him to me! Because I would love to ogle his … tattoos.

Bonnie Bennet: I am never getting laid, am I?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Have you ever realized that your relationship with Damon is much healthier than your relationship with me?

Elena Gilbert: As a matter of fact I have!

Stefan Salvatore: You mean …

Elena Gilbert: </3 ur hair … <3 Damon’s eyebrows

Team Stelena:

Team Delena:

Team Stelena:

Team Delena:

Team Stelena:

Team Delena:

The Plot: Thickens.

Can we all admit something? Stefan is not the good guy.

And I’m not just talking about his habit of going on a ten-state murder spree every few decades. I’m talking about the things he does when he’s Stefan, the “good” Salvatore.

Chris was a good guy. He helped team Elena, for no other reason than it was the right thing to do. He was a hero. And what did Stefan do? He cut off his damn head.

Which is kind of awesome, honestly. I mean, I do love me a good bad guy. That’s the kind of move that I would have cheered if Damon had done it.

The thing is, Damon always gets shit on for stuff like that. A lot of the fans seem unwilling to sit back and enjoy Damon’s debauchery. But Saint Stefan always gets a free pass. He’s the good one, the one Elena is meant to be with, the White Knight in Shining Armor and Gelled Hair.

That is annoying as all hell. Honestly, I hope the newly-single Stefan turns into a complete badass. Maybe not The Ripper, again, but I hope the fact that he doesn’t have to pretend to be the good guy for Elena’s sake makes him flaunt his dark side a bit.

And at the same time, I really, really hope Damon doesn’t turn into a pansy just because Elena’s magic hoo haa has a vacancy.

I love where Jeremy is going. I think his line, “give me a stake and I’ll kill Damon right here,” wasn’t just a joke, it was his Hunter coming out. Watching him turn into a badass – and watching him turn on all of his friends and loved ones – is going to be awesome.

I was disappointed that Katherine was just a hallucination, even though we kind of knew that t was going to happen that way. And it really did show that somewhere deep inside, Elena knows that she’s a terrible person.

Faye + Tyler = Certainty. She is going to hit that like the fist of an angry god.

There’s no TVD next week, due to some minor holiday or another, but that’s good because I’m going to be out of the country next week anyway (yay vacation!) But join me next next week for live-tweets of TVD and possibly Arrow and Supernatural, as well: @thomascgalvin