Vampire Diaries – S04E11 – Catch Me If You Can

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Matt Donovan: Man, and I thought I hated it when coach made me run suicides! Klaus making me run homicides is way worse!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon! You said I wouldn’t have to kill any innocent people!

Klaus: In an interesting legal loophole, I killed the innocent people. Now you just have to kill the innocent vampires!

Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan, Klaus! I sure hope no one uses a carefully worded promise to screw us all over later in the episode!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon! Matt’s bleeding, and we’re being pursued by vampires!

Damon Salvatore: That was the plan!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: But Damon! Matt is soft and squishy and delicious with gravy, and I am young and impressionable and while I posess most excellent shoulder muscles, I fear that I will be no match for the oncoming horde of vampires!

Red Shirt Mcfang: Om nom nom tasty–

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon hey remember when I used to rip hearts out like most people change socks powers activate!

Storm Trooper Overbite: Om nom nom tasty–

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena it’s a good thing Damon gave me a booty call and hey do you guys remember when I was kind of badass neck snapping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! You said your plan wouldn’t involve the death of innocent people!

Damon Salvatore: Sorry babe! Your vagina > my morality.

Elena Gilbert: <3 you and your devilish ways!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: I think I’m going to be sick.

Matt Donovan: I’m still bleeding all over the floor, in case anyone cares.

Rebekah: Hi Stefan! I just wanted to make sure you weren’t on Team Elena anymore, because Team Shane has one of the MacGuffins we need to resurrect the most evil creature in the world (this season), and Team Bonnie is playing for him, but Team Klaus knows all about it and will make a move soon, but probably not before Team Damon convinces Team Jeremy to complete his Team Tattoo by killing Team Vampires!

Stefan Salvatore: You just joined Twitter, didn’t you?

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Professor Shane! I’m really upset about the fact that I almost murdered someone with my brain!

Profesor Shane: Loook into my eyyyyyes!</dracula>

Bonnie Bennett: Never mind, everything is terrific!

Rudy Hopkins: Hi Bonnie! I came to visit you in college!

Bonnie Bennett: Um, Dad? I’m not actually in college yet.

Rudy Hopkins: …Oh.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Bonnie! I came by to arrest your mass murdering psychopath slash cradle robbing professor friend!

Profesor Shane: Um, this isn’t Mystic Falls. You have literally no legal authority here.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: What, you think I’m a real sheriff? Hell, I just put on this jacket and badge and people do what I say!

Profesor Shane: Touche.

Damon Salvatore: Okay Jeremy, I know you’re still plagued by all these “doubts” and “morals,” but look at it this way … if you murder a ton of people today, I’ll be one step closer to doing sex to your sister again!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: That’s gross! And also impractical! Because all of these vampires have already been murdered a ton!

Kol: Hi guys! I mad a mess!

Damon Salvatore: That’s good. It was about time for my day to get infinitely worse.

Kol: So in a surprising development, it turns out that I am actually the most sensible person on the show right now, so let me vampsplain some things to you: One, Silas is an immortal Necromancer that scary things tell scary stories about to scary their scary children. Two, I was really planning to ride this whole “immortality” thing a bit longer, and the end of the world would put a severe cramp in that plan. Three … oh the hell with it, I’m just going to rip off your magic-tattoo-bearing arms and beat you stupider with them.

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon protecting the key to guilt-free access to Elena’s hooha powers activate!

Kol: Um, Damon, chap? You do realize that I’m one of the most-

Damon Salvatore: Innefectual facepunch!

Kol: -creatures in the world, right?

Stefan Salvatore: I can’t believe that we’ve looked all over Professor Shadypants’ desk and couldn’t find the stupid headstone that will end the world! :-(=

Rebekah: Dude, what happened to you? You were so much fun in the 20s.

Stefan Salvatore: Rebekah, I was a mass-murdering monster in the 20s.

Rebekah: Yeah, but at least you weren’t so goddamn boring.

Profesor Shane: Let me get this straight: you’re accusing me of planning the mass murder of twelve Council member in order to resurrect an ancient Death Magus so I can bring my wife and daughter, who I may or may not have murdered, back to life? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Professor, my daughter, the former Miss Mystic Falls, is an eighteen year old vampire who’s currently banging the dead mayor’s dead mayor-wife’s son, who was a werewolf until the first vampire ever turned him into a hybrid using the blood of a local teenage girl who just happened to be the reincarnation of a Bulgarian girl that made the vampire’s codpiece swell a thousand years ago. Ridiculous is what I do.

Rudy Hopkins: Hi Bonnie! Did you now that Professor Shane confessed to murdering dozens of people in his lunatic plan for immortality?

Bonnie Bennett: What? My boyfr…essor would never commit such a heinous act!

Profesor Shane: What? Yeah I would. Totally. Wouldn’t even hesitate. I’d feed puppies through a wood chipper if it meant I got the chance to sniff Silas’ arm pit.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! Thanks for almost dying for me and my needs again!

Matt Donovan: You know Elena, I have to admit that I’m feeling a little-

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer (on the phone): Hi Elena! Kol surprised me and Damon and he let me go but he still has Damon and I think he might-

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena rushing away to save my boyfriend(’s penis) power activate!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer (on the phone): -kill him.

Matt Donovan: -taken for granted.

Elena Gilbert: Klaus hi Klaus how’s it going Klaus I need your help Klaus your brother had my boyfriend Klaus and I’m afraid he’s going to do something terrible to him like gouge out his perfect eyes or break the teeth out of his bewitching smile or stab him in his perfect abs and I don’t even want to think about what he might do to Little Damon because if Damon doesn’t have Little Damon how am I going to ride him like a pony and I love riding him like a pony so please please please please please help me please!

Klaus: Behold my impish grin! Kol, honey, could you be a doll and not murder Damon for me? I need him for a little project.

Kol: Is that project going to raise a dread necromancer from the grave and possible bring an end to all things?

Klaus: Well yeah, maybe, but I’m still bigger than you and if you touch Damon I’ll beat you to death with your own entrails.

Kol: All right big brother, you have my word! I, Kol, will not personally lay one finger on Damon. Nope, I will not hurt him myself. No siree, if Damon dies, it will definitely be at the hands of someone else. Another person entirely will pull that trigger. Yep.

Klaus: Okay Kol, nice chat!

Damon Salvatore: That was a depressingly specific promise.

Kol: Wasn’t it though? By the way, I want you to kill Jeremy. And if he happens to kill you instead, well, that’s pretty cool, huh?

Damon Salvatore: Why would I ever-

Kol: Loook into my eyyyyyes!</dracula>

Damon Salvatore: Fuck bunnies.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! Good news! I talked to Klaus and he made extracted a vague promise from Kol and now Damon is safe! So all of our problems are solved!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Except for the part where Klaus is not going to stop until he has the cure, which means he won’t stop sending newbie vampires after me until my Magic Tattoo of MacGuffin Tracking is complete?

Elena Gilbert: Well, that and the fact that you seem to be about to jam a stake through my heart again.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: What? I wouldn’t-

Elena Gilbert: Pointed look.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Pointed stick.

The Lady of the Manor: He’s been sleep whittling again!

Rebekah: Look! It’s a Hopi Prayer Stick! And an Indonesian Death Dagger! And a Virginian Peace Pipe!

Stefan Salvatore: When did you become such an expert on ancient artifacts?

Rebekah: When I decided to sex my way across the world rather than shacking up with a teenage girl with small town values and a martyr complex?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Well you’re crazy!

Rebekah: Crazy good in bed? You’re damn right I am!

Expendable Eddie: That’s odd, it smells like sexual tension in here. Oh hey look, a magic headstone of deadly resurrection!

Rebekah: Hi Eddie! Yoink!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! You’re all right! I was so worried about you(r penis)!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, we’ll have tons of tawdry sex later. Is your brother around? I really need to see you brother. Like, immediately. Pronto. Right now.

Elena Gilbert: Well I think he’s at the grill, waiting-

Damon Salvatore: SUper Damon there’s no way I’m getting laid after this powers activate!

Bonnie Bennett: Hey Shane? Can you explain this whole “I’m responsible for the murder of dozens of innocent people” thing?

Profesor Shane: Bonnie, I didn’t murder anyone!

Bonnie Bennett: Oh thank God, for a second there I-

Profesor Shane: I sacrificed them in my magic ritual in order to raise Silas from the grave!

Bonnie Bennett: …I am so glad I never slept with you.

Profesor Shane: Not that you can remember anyway!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Matt! Why are you working in this poop bucket of a restaurant again?

Matt Donovan: Because every authority figure in my life has deserted me, including my mother, who you had sex with in the hallway that one time, remember? and now I have to support myself, so I work minimum wage jobs to pay my mom’s mortgage while also trying to graduate with a high enough GPA to get into college and being good enough at football to get a scholarship and not getting hurt so bad that I lose that scholarship, which would probably be easier if you’d stop putting me in situations where people want to kill me.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, your life kind of sucks. Hey, have you seen-

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: >:-|=

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Poop.

Elena Gilbert: Damon! What’s wrong?

Damon Salvatore: I think Kol compelled me into violating my own principles and commiting an act that I would, in other circumstances, find deplorable!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, that’s ironic, isn’t it?

Damon Salvatore: Sure is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go murder your brother.

Damon Salvatore: Attention Jeremy Gilbert! We have a sale on eviscerations in tunnel one, a deep discount on decapitations in tunnel five, and a blue light special on all of your worst fears coming true in tunnel seventeen. Act now before all of the pain, misery, and death is gone!

Rebekah: Hi Eddie! I’m going to cut you until you tell me who sent you!

Expendable Eddie: Hi Rebekah! I’ve been compelled to bite my own tongue off before talking to you! Chomp!

Stefan Salvatore: That seems a bit over the top!

Expendable Eddie: Cuh uh buhuh uht hife?

Rebekah: What did he say?

Stefan Salvatore: I think he wants to borrow your knife!

Rebekah: Well all right then, here you go!

Expendable Eddie: Hunks! Self-inflicted arterial hemmorage powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: We probably should have seen that coming.

Rebekah: Yeah. Your brother really is the brains of this operation.

Stefan Salvatore: Ths clearly means that there’s a fourth team competing for the cure!

Rebekah: Why do you say that? I mean, we know like a dozen people in this town alone who can compell people.

Stefan Salvatore: Shh! I’m dropping exposition!

The Lady of the Manor: Someone has clearly stolen all of Bex’ pants. Which is not a problem, mind you …

Thomas: <3 my wife.

Bonnie Bennett: So let me get this straight … if I help you get Silas out of his crypt, you can bring back everyone you’ve murdered, your wife and child, my grams, and pretty much everyone else ever?

Profesor Shane: Yep! And then you won’t have to live with the soul-crushing guilt that comes from knowing it’s your fault that the Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches are torturing your grandma right this instant! In fact, you can-

Bonnie Bennett: Grab your heart with my brain and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste? Break every bone in your hand with my mind? Throw this bottle of water on the ground and transmute it into fire?

Profesor Shane: You are so hot right now.

Rudy Hopkins: And in serious danger of becoming interesting! You stop that this instant, young lady!

Bonnie Bennett: Pout!

Profesor Shane: Perv!

Rudy Hopkins: Um, Professor? Is that a wand in your pocket, or do you just like it when underage girls play rough?

The Lady of the Manor: Everyone sees all of these red flags, right? Like, eeryone realizes Shane is a couple of episodes away from To Catch a Predator, right?

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Stefan hi Stefan guess what I need you Stefan and that means you have the honor and opportunity to drop everythign and cater to my whims and needs and all you have to do is stop your brother from murdering my brother and that doesn’t sound so hard does it I might even let you cop a feel so come on meet me in the Lost Woods kthanxbye xoxo Elena

Rebekah: So, does that mean you’re-

Stefan Salvatore: Going to tear your clothes off and slam you like an Olympic Judo champion? You bet your firm white ass I am.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Jeremy! I’m still compelled to murder you a ton, so you might want to-

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Put you into a sick chokehold? Don’t mind if I do!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, two things. One, I don’t breathe. Two, your arm is right across my mouth, which would be asstarded even if I didn’t have fangs. Which I do. Chomp!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Oh yeah? Well I have this gun filled with wooden bullets!

Damon Salvatore: Which would be terrifying if Tyler hadn’t shot Stefan in the heart with a wooden bullet a couple of seasons ago, proving that a tiny splinter isn’t enough to kill me. But it would-

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Bang!

Damon Salvatore: Slow me down long enough for you to escape. Probably.

The Lady of the Manor: Damon needs to turn Jeremy into a vampire. I want to know what happens when you turn a hunter into a vampire. I bet it’s amazing.

Rebekah: Hi Kol! You do know that Klaus is going to kick your ass for sicking Damon on Jeremy, right?

Kol: Hi Rebekah! Hey, do you remember Elijah?

The Twitters: Explode.

Rebekah: What about him?

Kol: Oh nothing, I just wanted to get everyone’s panties in a twist. But if you really do want to see more Elijah, make sure to check out The Originals, a Vampire Diaries spin-off coming to a television set near you!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I know how to save Jeremy! All you have to do is realize that your love for me is stronger than Kol’s compulsion!

The Lady of the Manor: Sorry Elena, but your hooha is not that special.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, turns out that that-

Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan I am going to break the shit out of your neck powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: -will work just fine.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Hey, do you remember way back in season one where I kidnapped you and locked you in a dungeon and starved you in hopes of keeping you from hurting anyone?

Damon Salvatore: And do you remember how well that worked and how it totally didn’t result in the deaths of dozens of innocents?

Stefan Salvatore: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of all the hot angry hate sex I’m about to go have with Rebekah.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I have to quarrels with you! One, you have prevented me from seeing Damon, and more importantly seeing Damon naked! And two, you are making time with a trashy blonde trollop!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I have to rebuttals! Go fuck yourself, and … no, actually that was it.

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Daddy! Sorry I almost murdered a guy with my brain and nearly lit the Sheriff’s station on fire with a bottle of water!

Rudy Hopkins: That’s okay, I’m going to get you all the help you need to make sure this never happens again!

Bonnie Bennett: Does this “help” involve lots of meditation and naked yoga with the guy who taught me this dangerous magic in the first place?

Rudy Hopkins: Probably!

Klaus: Hi Gilberts! Since my brother is all about you dying, and I am all about Jeremy’s sexy, sexy arms, I figured I’d just drop by and kidnap you for your own good.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, that’s nice and all, but I’m gonna have to pass.

Klaus: Okay then! Well I’m gonna go find a soccer ball to throw through your house, some fence posts to impale you on, a bunch of innocent victims to turn into vampires, and some distant relatives to threaten. See you in the morning!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Rebekah! Thanks for not daggering Kol!

Rebekah: Hi Stefan! He was about to jam a magic white stake into my heart!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s terrible!

Rebekah: I know! I can’t-

Stefan Salvatore: Because the only person who should be stabbing his stake into you is me!

Rebekah: …

Stefan Salvatore: :-)=

Rebekah: Wink wink wink!

Stefan Salvatore: Nudge nudge nudge!

The Lady of the Manor: Fucking finally! And finally fucking!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: This sucks! I can’t believe that Klaus is going to make me murder dozens of innocents!

Elena Gilbert: It’s okay Jeremy, I have a plan!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: God damn it!

Elena Gilbert: All you have to do is kill Kol, and when he dies so will every vampire descended from him! And that means you can complete your tattoo with a single kill!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, plus the tens of thousands of other vampires who will die, some of whom are almost certainly not evil.

Elena Gilbert: Who cares! None of them are Damon!

The Plot: Thickens.

First, a little bit of bragging (shock, I know). I got mentioned on last week’s ReHash, and Arielle Kebbel, who plays Lexi, totally read my tweet out loud … and said my name. You can check it out here; I’m at around the two minute mark.

“You don’t know what I look like when I’m not in love with you” is one of the best lines ever uttered on this show. It’s true, it’s cold, and it’s about time someone said something like that to Elena.

I know that Team Stelena hates the developments of this season, but you have to admit that even if Delena isn’t your preferred pairing, this is top-notch drama. Elena genuinely loves Damon, but she just can’t fathom the idea of Stefan not loving her. Meanwhile Stefan must be hanging out in Egypt, because that boy is in denial.

Sorry.

Anyway, Stefan is always at his best when he’s full of self-loathing and rage, and he’s got that in spades right now. He’s not the Ripper, but he’s this close to saying “fuck it all” and turning his humanity off. Plus: Rebekah hate sex! Stefan and Rebekah are fantastic together, and I’m hapy they’re finally making baby vamps together.

The Delena part of this is actually my least favorite part (again, sorry). Elena kind of throws a wet blanket over anyone she sleeps with, and Damon can’t be his badass best when he’s with her. Which is why I’m happy that he thinks being (temporarily) evil is the key to Elena’s magic kingdom.

Damon’s deal with Klaus makes him complicit in some atrocities, but he’s not actually out there snarking and sharking like he should be. Kols compulsion also forces him into doing naughty things, but he’s still not doing it willingly. I’m hoping that something will actually push Damon over the edge and back onto Team Badguy.

And being kidnapped by his own brother might just do it. That was a nice callback to season one and a nice reversal, since Stefan isn’t exactly playing for the angels anymore. Damon’s captivity is as much about Stefan rubbing Damon’s nose in it as it is about doing the right thing.

This season also features my favorite Bonnie arc ever. I love her interplay with Shane, and I love how she creeps closer to the dark side every episode. Kat Graham really is a good actress, and I’m glad she’s being given something to do. Right now Bonnie has an interesting dichotomy going. On the one hand she’s innocent; she genuinely doesn’t seem to realize how inappropriate and sexually charged her relationship with Shane is. On the other hand, she’s making things explode and breaking bones with her brain.

Right now the big question is: who dies this season? I’m ready to call it now: it’s going to be Elena. Why? Two reasons.

Speculation, but maybe spoilers if I’m right

One, It’s tradition. The girl has died so many times they should make her an honorary Winchester brother.

Two, It will provide the maximum amount of angst. Elena is at the center of this whole show. She’s the one character everyone has some connection to, some reason to mourn.

Here’s how I see it playing out. They find the cure and de-vamp Elena. Her feelings for Damon prove true, and she chooses him. Stefan is crushed and goes even close to full Ripper. Damon is overjoyed and allows himself to believe that he might actually find happiness. Klaus is able to make more Hybrids. And then …

Boom. Elena dies. Stefan realizes that he did still care for Elena and swears revenge. Damon freaks right out, and maybe flips his switch. Jeremy goes full-time vampire hunter. Klaus is ready to murder anything and everything for stealing his favorite blood bag. All hell breaks loose.

And then Elena comes back. She’s not a vampire, but she’s not human, either. She’s …

To be continued.