Vampire Diaries – S04E14 – Down the Rabbit Hole

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Also, this happened.

Galen Vaughn: Top o’ the morning to ya laddie! How be those wee vervain-soaked ropes treatin’ ya?

Damon Salvatore: Kinda itchy, but no worse than the ones Elena uses to tie me to the-

Galen Vaughn: Ah yes, wee Elena, born a doppelganger, recently turned vampire, pot o’ gold between the bow of her legs.

Damon Salvatore: So you’re the one that’s been peeking in through her windows at night! Huh, now I feel all bad about breaking Matt’s shins.

Galen Vaughn: Aye! I’a been spyin’ on the lot o’ ya! There’s Damon, who may not be as evil as he wishes everyone to believe, and Elena, who could charm the pants off a snake, and bonnie Bonnie, the witch, and …

Damon Salvatore: Oh Jesus, just kill me already.

Galen Vaughn: Not until I finish me Lucky Charms!

Damon Salvatore: Say, that’s a nice magic tattoo!

Galen Vaughn: Why thank ye laddie! Would ye believe that it just showed up out o’ the blue a few days ago?

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, that must have been due to the vampire genocide we committed a couple of episodes ago.

Galen Vaughn: What’s this now? I thought you were a vampire?

Damon Salvatore: Hos before bros, dude. Little Damon needs his fun, too.

The Lady of the Manor: Fun fact: Irish hunters have an additional super power … the power to make panties explode.

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Caroline! Great news! We’ve managed to make it all the way back to the beach we landed on last week, and Shane’s sudden, inevitable betrayal only took out Jeremy, Bonnie, and Damon!

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Thanks for the heads up! I’m going to go dye my hair black, pack my bags, and run like a vampire who’s about to get murdered by an immortal hell beast the moment the impenetrable force field holding him in your living room collapses!

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): That’s a great idea! But before you do, could you ask Klaus to tell you where he hid the Magic Sword of Tattoo Translation?

Rebekah: Please, like Klaus would ever give Caroline the sword.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, Klaus has been trying to give Caroline the sword for an entire season.

Klaus: Thanks for having that conversation within earshot, love. It’s going to make it much easier for me to fuck you over later.

Andy the Aboriginal Alchemist: Hey bro, this is a nice pit of despair and all, but I really want to be back in time to catch Ellen, so if I could get paid real quick …

Profesor Shane: No problem! One Tombstone on an Evil Undead Fiend coming right up!

Bonnie Bennett: Wait wait wait … the only purpose that McGuffin served was to pay off the extra that kidnapped us? What does he even want with it?

Profesor Shane: Who knows? But it probably won’t come back to bite us in the ass!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Klaus! We found the Magic Sword of Tattoo Translation!

Caroline Forbes: And we were hoping you’d be willing to help us use it to find the thing that will allow us to make you mortal and then make you dead!

Klaus: You know what? Why the hell not? It isn’t like you rocket scientists are going to be able to use it against me without poking out your own eyes or setting your own hair on fire or something, so let’s see where this goes.

The Lady of the Manor: Why didn’t they just use Bing Translate?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! In a rare moment of clarity, I realized that everyone’s lives are in danger because of my selfish needs!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t be so hard on yourself Elena! I’m here because being awesome is hard! And Rebekah is here because she wants all of the babies! And Bonnie is here because of some dark thirst for unimaginable power! And Jeremy is here because he really likes taking off his shirt in front of Bonnie! And Damon is here because of your vagina, not your needs!

Damon Salvatore: Okay Shrek, why don’t you wow me with your brilliant plan?

Galen Vaughn: It’s simple! I’ll use Bonnie’s loyalty towards you to force her to employ her completely reliable magical skills for me!

Damon Salvatore: …

Galen Vaughn: What?

Damon Salvatore: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Damon Salvatore: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wow is your Mystic Falls dossier worthless!

Tyler Lockwood: None of this makes any sense! It’s just a bunch of meaningless scribbles!

Caroline Forbes: Um, Tyler? that’s the TV Guide.

Klaus: Yes well, while you two were learning about the tragic failings of American education, I was busy translating Jeremy’s tattoos. They say:

“The Cure,” ª and © 1,000 BC Qetsiyah Industries. Limit one cure per everybody. Qetsiyah Industries will not be responsible if your need to kill the undead maniac I created interferes with your desire for children or guilt-free sex or whatever the hell drama you’re all on about. Offer void where prohibited by law. PS: Sorry about the zombie apocalypse. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

The Lady of the Manor: Tyler is probably one of those guys who thinks the Bible was written in English.

Damon Salvatore: Wait, so you mean …?

Galen Vaughn: That’s right! Qetsiyah was so into murdering Silas that she cooked up a bullshit spell that hid his location until someone managed to murder a bunch of completely unrelated vampires, and then made the means of killing him a one-shot deal, just in case it was still to easy!

Damon Salvatore: Are any witches competent, or is fucking up like a genetic imperative for them?

The Lady of the Manor: I need a scene of Vaughn and Klaus close-arguing. Somebody get on that.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hey Bonnie, I was thinking … maybe it’d be a good idea for me to use my super powers to kill Shane a ton before his evil, insane plan inevitably gets you stabbed and my neck broken?

Bonnie Bennett: Nah, I think I can solve this problem using dark magics that are barely under my control even on a good day.

Klaus (on the phone): Hi Rebekah! I’m emailing you the location of the cure. Oh by the way! There’s only one dose, so whatever you do, make sure you get it and use it rather than letting anyone steal it and use it one me!

Tyler Lockwood: …Why did we give him the cell phone?

Caroline Forbes: Why are we even still in this house? I mean, you’re mother’s dead. We could have sex all day long and no one would even bother us!

Tyler Lockwood: Thanks for rubbing salt in that wound.

Caroline Forbes: That’s not all I’m gonna rub, if you know what I mean. (I mean your penis.)

Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you leave the freshly bled corpse of an aboriginal alchemist laying around?

Galen Vaughn: Um … nay, laddie. I left all me corpses back in Dublin.

Damon Salvatore: Huh. I wonder who else could be on this island, desperate to find a weapon that can kill Klaus, finally ending centuries of fearful running … ah well, it’s probably not important.

Profesor Shane: Okay! We’ve found the cave holding Silas’ tomb, now all we have to do is open it up! Jeremy, take off your pants!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: But the tattoo is on my chest …

Bonnie Bennett: Jeremy, listen to the man! He’s a professor! He clearly knows what he’s talking about!

Rebekah: Okay, so the cure is laying in a cavern across the lake at the bottom of that gorge! Elena, you jump down! Stefan, you lie on the ground twitching due to the neck I’m about to break!

Elena Gilbert: Wheeee this is so much fun!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Bonnie Bennett: “Through the power of Jeremy’s nudity, and the strength of my ethnicity, increase the tomb’s accessibility!”

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: I am not entirely comfortable with this.

Profesor Shane: Shut up Jeremy. You’re the pretty one, not the smart one.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Wow, the earth just moved!

Bonnie Bennett: What? I haven’t even touched you yet! You’re not already done, are-

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: No, the earth literally moved. See? A big chunk of it fell on Shane over there.

Galen Vaughn: Okay Damon, be a nice lad and hop on over there so I can murder you real quick, okay?

Damon Salvatore: Sure, just let me tear off the vervain-soaked ropes you’ve been controlling me with for the whole day first.

Galen Vaughn: Um, why didn’t you do that hours ago?

Damon Salvatore: Beats the hell out of me. Why are you suddenly trying to kill me?

Galen Vaughn: I honestly don’t know, but at least I hold my gun funny!

Rebekah: Um, did I show up at a bad time?

Elena Gilbert: What? There’s only one cure! But now I’m going to have to be young and hot forever! And I might have to experience character growth! God damn it, I hate character growth!

Stefan Salvatore: On the bright side, if we don’t get the cure and get back to Mystic Falls by moonrise, our “eternity” will be more like “the thirty seconds it takes for Klaus to find us, rip us into into little pieces, and beat us to death with our own limbs.”

Elena Gilbert: Oh Stefan, I can always count on you to see the bright side!

Tyler Lockwood: Well Klaus is gonna murder me, so I think I’m going to get the fuck out of town. Later Care Bear!

Caroline Forbes: Tyler, don’t worry! Bonnie will open the tomb and Elena will bring us the cure, then we’ll all team up and kill the bad guy!

Tyler Lockwood: …So yeah, I’m gonna go pack, and put gas in the car, and cash in all of my savings bonds, and …

Rebekah: Well maybe I can’t kill you, but I can certainly use my Original powers to-

Galen Vaughn: Run into this home-made claymore mine of vampire killing?

Damon Salvatore: Ah ha! But while you’re distracted by Rebekah, I’ll use my vampire speed to-

Galen Vaughn: Run into this vervain bolo shotgun trap thing and get tied to that convenient post over there?

Damon Salvatore: Wow, this Vaughn guy really is an asshole, am I right?

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay Damon, we’re here to save you!

Damon Salvatore: This day just keeps getting worse.

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I have a plan! Elena, you run off into the dark after a hunter that was able to take out an Original and a vampire that’s two hundred and twenty years older than you! I’ll stand here and act like getting this rope off of Damon’s neck is really really hard!

Elena Gilbert: That’s a great idea! Super vampire rushing headlong into danger powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Seriously, I don’t know why I bother.

Bonnie Bennett: Well Jeremy, here we are. Alone. In the dark. You’re mostly naked. I’m so horny a guy tried to take me home and plant me next to his cactus. And you know what I think?

Grandma Bennett: That this would be a great time for some non-corporeal cock blocking?

Bonnie Bennett: 🙁

Caroline Forbes: Hi Klaus! Here’s the deal: let Tyler live and I’ll show you one boob.

Klaus: Counter offer: Two boos and I’ll give him a head start.

Caroline Forbes: You drive a hard bargain, sir!

Klaus: That’s not the only thing that I drive hard, if you know what I mean.

The Lady of the Manor: How is Caroline not climbing him like a stripper pole?!?

Stefan Salvatore: Okay Damon, let’s go save the day!

Damon Salvatore: I’m sorry, you’ve reached Evil Eyebrow Enterprises. We can’t take your call right now, because we no longer give a fuck. If you’re a brainless high schooler with a magic hooha, press one. If your strength is directly proportional to the amount of product in your hair, press two. If I can’t kill you because I’ll be haunted by the Ghost of St. Patric’s Day Past, press three. If you’re the character that actually allows Nina Dobrev to exercise some of her considerable talents, press four. All other inquires press five.

Elena Gilbert: Look! Someone left a mirror at the bottom of the well! I’m so pretty! Wait a second …

Caroline Forbes: Great news Tyler! I convinced Klaus to let you live, forever on the run, constantly looking over your shoulder, always waiting for that day when Klaus finally catches up to you and terribly, wonderfully ends the hell that is your existence!

Tyler Lockwood: And how was that different from my original plan?

Caroline Forbes: The difference is that now I get to bang Klaus! Have you seen the pony her drew me?

The Lady of the Manor: Is there one reason Caroline isn’t going with Tyler?

Thomas: Klaus?

The Lady of the Manor: Good point.

Profesor Shane: Little help? Anyone? Broken legs here. And a fractured pelvis. And I think my spine’s stuck in my spleen.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Shane! Did you know that there’s only one cure?

Profesor Shane: Dude, does anything about my current situation indicate that I knew what the hell I was talking about?

Caitlin Shane: Don’t worry babe, the zombie apocalypse will start any minute now, and we can be together forever! Or at least until I eat your brains.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: That’s funny! There doesn’t seem to be enough cure to go around! And what little there is seems to be trapped in the death-grip of this fossilized necrozombiepire thing!

Bonnie Bennett: That’s cool, all we have to do is feed him our blood until he’s limber enough to hand it over! I’m like sixty percent sure it won’t end the world or anything!

Rebekah: Thanks for pulling all the tiny pieces of wood out of my heart, but why exactly aren’t you down there re-humanizing Elena’s precious vajayjay?

Damon Salvatore: God, have you listened to her? “Damon, we can’t eat that sorority sister, that’s wrong! Damon, we can’t kill that security guard, that’s naughty! Damon, you can’t murder Bonnie, she’s my friend! Damon, I told you front door only, that’s dirty!” And you think I can put up with that forever?

Rebekah: Fair point.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Okay, I’ve considered your plan, but I think I’d rather try brute force. Super Jeremy smash it with a rock powers activate!

Galen Vaughn: Stab stab stabity stab!

Bonnie Bennett: Bleed bleed hemorage and bleed!

Galen Vaughn: Sorry laddie, raising Silas is the only way to kill him, and stabbing your girlfriend was the fastest way to make her less annoying.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Can I interest you in a friendly wrestling match?

Katherine: Can I interest you in becoming a snack!

Galen Vaughn: Can I interest you in an unending string of terrors, culminating in your inevitable suicide?

Katherine: I should have stayed in New Orleans.

Klaus: Hi Caroline! Looks like Bonnie’s dead, because my ass is free!

Caroline Forbes: Wibble.

Klaus: Oh come on Caroline, you know I’d never hurt you!

Caroline Forbes: Um, you do remember almost murdering me last episode, right?

Klaus: Oh sure, hold that over my head forever why don’t you!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Who broke your noggin, and why did they steal your clothes?

Elena Gilbert: Funny story …

Katherine: Hi Jeremy! Let’s play spin the bottle! Oh no, looks like you landed on Silas! Pucker up, sucker! Fangs!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: But I just came here to get laid!

Silas: *Suuuuuuuuper … anciiiiiiiiiiient … necrozombiepiiiiiiiiiiiire … *

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Oh for the love of God just kill me already!

Silas: * … neeeeeeeeeeeeck … snaaaaaaaaaaapiiiiiiiiiiiiing … pooooooooowers … aaaaaaaaaactivaaaaaaaaate …*

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Dies. Eventually.

Bonnie Bennett: Stares with glassy, mostly-dead eyes.

Katherine: Runs off with the cure.

Silas: Riiiiiiiisssssseeeeeeessssss. Slooooooooolllllllllyyyyyyyyy.

The Plot: Thickens.

Damon is done with Delena.

That, of course, is going to set the internet (and possibly the CW headquarters (and most likely Julie Plec’s house) ) on fire, and I, of course approve. Of the imminent breakup, not the arson. Arson’s not cool, guys.

I approve of the breakup because I prefer my Salvatores alone and broody, and in Damon’s case, neck-snappy. But I also approve, dramatically, of the angsty reason why. Damon isn’t walking away from Elena, but he’s convinced Elena is going to walk away from him, and he’s (caustically) preparing for that.

Damon knows three things: he loves being a vampire (and even if he didn’t there’s no way he would take the cure instead of Elena); Elena hates being a vampire; and Stefan also hates being a vampire. In his mind there’s no way Elena would want to be with the guy who wants to be, and wants her to be, a vampire, and he’s getting ready for what he sees as inevitable.

This is another instance where all of the angst could be solved if someone would actually talk to someone else, except … Damon can’t believe what Elena tells him, because of the Sire bond. He’s literally incapable of believing that she loves him. He’s a compulsive melancholy with fangs.

This will, of course, be devastating to Elena as well, because she really does love him. But she’s going to be a bit too worried about Jeremy to worry about that, because …

I payed close attention to Jeremy’s hands when I re-watched this episode, and he was definitely wearing a ring, but I couldn’t tell if it was the Magic Ring of Not Dying. There are a bunch of ways this could play out:

Jeremy was wearing the ring, and the race is on to claim his body before Meredith does an autopsy, killing him for real.

Jeremy was wearing the ring, but being a Hunter has clutzed up the magic and he’s really dead. But:

Shane was convinced everyone who died for Silas’ resurrection would come back with Silas. But Shane is also a dumbass, so:

Jeremy will stay dead, or

Jeremy will rise from the grave as part of Silas necrozombiepire army, and the Scoobies (and probably Elena herself) will have to put him down.

My money’s on the last option, because it’s the worst and Julie stays young by dining on the misery of America’s youth.

I wonder if Silas will be plagued by the Ghosts of Jeremy past, or if the Hunter’s Curse broke when Bonnie magicked away the tattoo, or if being hounded by the spirits of those he’s murdered is just how Silas gets his rocks off, or …

Also, the whole cure thing is moot because they’re going to have to use it to kill Silas, who will no doubt be the Big Bad for the rest of the season, and the Scoobie’s best frenemy next season.

Speaking of necrozombiepires, did everyone else know that Silas was a vampire? because I thought he was some generic undead monster, not specifically a vampire. Which would kind of wreck Klaus’ claim to being the Original, wouldn’t it?

Also, I love it when Bex remembers she can kick pretty much every ass and snap pretty much every neck. It’s kind of dumb how casually Team Elena treats the Originals, Rebekah in particular, and I love it when it comes back to bite them in the ass.

And finally, The Queen has returned. Welcome back, Katherine. No one is any better than when you left. I look forward to all of the trouble you will indubitably stir up. Killing Jeremy was a nice opening salvo. She is, by my count, in possession of Silas tombstone and the cure. I’m sure she plans to use the cure on Klaus (a plan that will be foiled by the dead rising to walk the earth), but what are her plans for the tombstone? Shane said that was all kinds of valuable to witches, and Katherine is known for keeping one or two around …