Vampire Diaries – S04E17 – Because the Night

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

A Pretty Lady: Look! That guy is either dead or, like pretty much everyone else in this city at this time of night, passed out in the gutter after a sixteen hour gin and coke bender!

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: What? I don’t see anyone there!

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! My hair is awesome and you’re both dead!

A Pretty Lady: 🙁

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: :-O

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Welcome to New York, a city so overcrowded with assholes that not only can you murder someone without raising suspicion, people will actually thank you for culling the herd a little bit!

Elena Gilbert: And that’s the only reason we’re here? To engage in an orgy of of blood, violence, and hatesex so torrid that we might actually come close to murdering as many people as Fun!Stefan?

Damon Salvatore: You got it!

Elena Gilbert: And not because you’re following a clue that will lead you to the cure so you can turn me into a whiny bitch again, and not so you can poke my amygdala until I switch my emotions back on, which will also turn me into a whiny bitch?

Damon Salvatore: I don’t actually know what an amygdala is, but if you want it poked, I am more than willing to give it a shot.

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Damon! I just wanted to let you know that I am very dissapointed that you took Elena and-

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): I’m sorry, all of your bitching is making my cell phone act up. What were you saying?

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): I was saying that it is completely irresponsible of you to take an emotionless vampire on a hunting expedition in one of the most crowded cities in the nation!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, that. Don’t worry! The hunting expedition is just a distraction until I can turn her back into a whiny bitch!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Oh that God! I vastly prefer Elena as a whiny bitch!

Damon Salvatore: I heard that! Cellphone high five!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I have a streak of red in my hair now! But don’t worry! It’s just kool-aid, and not the blood of an innocent city dweller! As far as you know.

The Lady of the Manor: Stefan is such a gob of not-awesome.

Thomas: I kind of wish Damon would stop agreeing with him so much.

Caroline Forbes: Hi Klaus! I hate you for driving Tyler away!

Klaus: Hi Caroline! I hate Tyler for all those times he tried to murder me!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! Are you as excited for our sleepover as I am?

Klaus: …I thought you wanted me to help you kill Silas and prevent the end of the world?

Stefan Salvatore: Well sure, we can do that too, I guess. Who wants s’mores!

Silas: Hi Bonnie! I have a foolproof plan to get Jeremy back! And all you have to do is murder a dozen people, weave a magic forbidden, and unleash the zombie apocalypse!

Bonnie Bennett: Um okay LOL

The Lady of the Manor: Silas is kind of a shit weasel.

Stefan Salvatore: So let’s recap! We kinda sorta unleashed the most dangerous creature in the world while we were off trying to rehumanize Elena(’s vagina).

Klaus: yawn

Caroline Forbes: And now he’s trying to convince Bonnie to murder a dozen people!

Klaus: Say, I wonder if Guiding Light is on …

Stefan Salvatore: And that going to unleash every dead supernatural in history, ushering in a zombie apocalypse that’s somehow worse that the Dawn of the Dead remake!

Klaus: I would very much like a warn cup of tea.

Caroline Forbes: Including your asshole stepfather.

Klaus: Okay I’m in what do I do who do I kill point me at ’em somebody’s gonna die.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, so your definition of “hedonism” looks an awful lot like an empty bar at noon.

Damon Salvatore: Elena, relax! We just have to wait for the sun to set, and then all the scumbags, drug users, and prostitutes will come out in force! Just like in the 70s!

Damon Salvatore: The best part about crowded bars is the stampede that happens right after you start murdering people! :-)=

Lexi: Hi Damon! Super prissy vampire cock blocking powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: You got Lexied!

Rebekah: Super Original vampire arm bar into a face smash powers activate!

Rebekah: My name’s “Rebekah,” not “Lexi.” God, did you flip your switch or dine on paint chips? Bleeding twat.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Rebekah! Why in the unholy hell are you doing here?

Rebekah: I’m following Damon, who’s following the trail to the cure! I want babies and he wants you to be a whiny bitch, so there’s going to be an epic showdown soon!

Elena Gilbert: Super Elena stinkeye powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Wait wait wait! I don’t want Elena to be a whiny bitch! What I said was I want Elena to, um, eat a whiny bitch, which is why I brought her to the cheapest bar in Queens!

Elena Gilbert: I’m not sure which is more pathetic, that lie, or the fact you can’t tell I don’t believe it.

Lexi: Hi male fans! I’m wearing a halter top and gogo boots! You’re welcome! Hi Damon! We heard about your latest murderous rampage all the way down in Mystic Falls, and while I would personally love to see some local vampire hunter stake your ass to a tanning bed, Stefan acts all butt hurt every time I mention that the world might be a better place without you ,and then I don’t get any action for a week. I’m sure you know the drill: I’m going to bitch at you until you regret-

Damon Salvatore: Ever being born?

Lexi: -All of the terrible things you’ve done, turn your emotions back on, and lead a life of repentance and woe.

Rebekah: Holy shit she sounds like the absolute worst person in the world. How did you not murder her?

Damon Salvatore: Funny story there …

Elena Gilbert: Wait wait wait … you got Lexied … and it worked?

Damon Salvatore: Maybe.

Elena Gilbert: And you want to do that to me?

Damon Salvatore: Kinda.

Elena Gilbert: I cannot believe I let you stick your little stake in me.

Klaus: Hey Stefan! Remember that time in the twenties when you turned off your emotions and we went around doing sex and violence at every opportunity? Wasn’t that a blast!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry Klaus, the stick has been inserted firmly back into my rectum, and I am therefore incapable of acknowledging fun!

Klaus: Say, didn’t Elena turn off her emotions? And didn’t she run off with Damon? Boy, I wonder what kind of sex, violence, and sexy violence they’re up to?

Stefan Salvatore: But Klaus! Damon assured me that his intentions are noble and his plans are flawless!

Klaus: Riiiight, because no one has ever been tempted by the dark side. Isn’t that right, Caroline?

Caroline Forbes: Hey, just because I think about you in the shower doesn’t mean I’m tempted! And also I found Shane’s Big Book of Occult Geometry, which I would much rather talk about than the nickname I gave my vibrator.

Stefan Salvatore: Look! This book tells us nothing we didn’t already know!

Caroline Forbes: Except that Bonnie needs to murder twelve … witches!

Klaus: Well that solves all of our problems right there! There’s no way this show can find that many minority extras on such short notice!

Silas: So yeah, basically you have to re-commit the Salem massacre that pissed off the Spirits of a Hundred Dead Witches that are always such a pain in your ass, except this time you also have to face a dozen living witches too, and they’re gonna be super pissed at you and also trying to torture the evil out of you. But don’t worry, after a seemingly endless torrent of pain and misery, your soul will burn out at you won’t feel much of anything!

Bonnie Bennett: Well The Carrie Diaries is a rerun this week, so I guess I don’t have anything better to do.

Rudy Hopkins: Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennett: No! I will not let you suppress my magic and turn me away form my destiny! I will not leave the ones I love dead when I can bring the back to life with a simple mass murder slash apocalypse! And I will not just stand here while all of these lightbulbs remain unbroken!

Rudy Hopkins: …I was gonna ask if you want a sandwich, but that’s cool.

The Lady of the Manor: This town needs Professor Snape. Everybody needs to go to Remedial Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Elena Gilbert: I’m hungry! I think I’m gonna eat this dead eyed, bleached-blond drug addict over here!

Damon Salvatore: I’m gonna help!

Rebekah: Me too!

Lexi: If I was still alive, so would I!

The Dead Eyed, Bleached-blond Drug Addict: I am the luckiest murder victim alive. Wait a second …

The Lady of the Manor: And there goes Damon, off to jerk it in the bathroom.

Asia: Hi Bonnie! My friends and I got your mom’s message, and we came to torture the evi out of you!

Bonnie Bennett: Great! But I’m super powerful these days, so you’re probably gonna need like, oh I don’t know, twelve people to help me.

Asia: Well what a glorious coincidence! I just happened to bring eleven of my closest friends!

Rebekah: So Elena, I’ve been thinking! You don’t want to be human, I do want to be human, and Damon wants to use the only vampire cure of you instead of me! So we should team up, beat Damon, and get me pregnant!

Elena Gilbert: But don’t you hate me?

Rebekah: Only when you’re not acting like Katherine.

Thomas: So. Much. Word.

Caroline Forbes: Okay! So Bonnie needs to create an Expression Triangle! And Silas made one corner when he blew up Father Fuckhead! And Klaus made another corner when he murdered his Hybrids! And …

Klaus: …

Stefan Salvatore: …

Caroline Forbes: Wait, how many sides does a triangle have again? I knew I should have ever gone to a math class!

Asia: Okay, all we have to do is tie you down and torture you into submission!

Bonnie Bennett: This isn’t going to wind up on some web site, is it?

Asia: Well actually…

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Stefan! Great news! You know that friend of mine that I murdered last week? Well I was going through his stuff, and I found a list of every place Katherine has lived in the past five hundred years! Apparently right now she’s shacked up with some guy named Guido on the Jersey Shore!

Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): That’s great! So all you have to do is track down Katherine, steal the cure, and turn Elena-

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Turn Elena lose on the unsuspecting populace of New York City! Exactly right! Okay got to go now nice talk we’ll chat later bye bye!

Lexi: Hi Damon how are you Damon I’m really interested in Katherine Damon why did she leave you Damon how do you feel about her Damon am I making a difference Damon are you feeling anything yet Damon?

Damon Salvatore: You’re damn right I’m feeling something!

Lexi: Finally! Progress!

Damon Salvatore: I’m feeling like banging you, leaving you to bake in the sun, and then staking you like forty years late.

Lexi: That’s still a feeling!

Damon Salvatore: And since I’m contractually obligated to sleep with every woman my brother shows even the slightest interest in …

Elena Gilbert: You did her right on the bar?

Damon Salvatore: And on the stage, and on the floor, and in the bathroom, and on the speakers, and in the closet, and on the roof …

Some Jerkass: Hey baby, you sure are pretty. Mind if I cop a fe-

Rebekah: No means no, asshole!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Klaus! I just wanted to reiterate that I have no feelings for you whatsoever! I totally don’t want you to tear my clothes off, and I do not want you to do dirty, dirty things to me, and I have never fantasized about your bloody hands all over my naked flesh!

Klaus: …Whatever you say, sweetheart.

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Asia! I just wanted to let you know that this is a terrible, awful, very bad no good plan! You’ll never free Bonnie from expression, because Silas has conned her into murdering all of you so that she can have her boyfriend back!

Asia: Oh, all right, I guess I’ll just kill her then.

Stefan Salvatore: …That went differently in my head.

Asia: And don’t you try to interfere, because my life force is linked to these eleven other witches!

Caroline Forbes: Wait! That means if I stab you, all of them die, too!

Klaus: Yes, but then-

Caroline Forbes: Super hypocritical mass murder slash apocalypse unleashing gut stab powers activate!

Klaus: -Silas will have his third slaughter.

Caroline Forbes: Oh. Poop.

The Lady of the Manor: Well holy shitsnacks.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon! Let’s play never have I ever! Never have I ever gotten laid on a rooftop!

Damon Salvatore: That’s a great game! Okay, my turn! Never have I ever fallen for the old “get him all hot and bothered, maybe indulge in some carnal desires, then while he’s sleeping contentedly go through his pockets to find Katherine’s address so I can get the cure and give it to Rebekah so I can stay a vampire” trick!

Elena Gilbert: That’s an old trick? Just how many people go through your pants looking for Katherine’s address?

Damon Salvatore: She’s a very popular girl.

The Lady of the Manor: Elena is kinda rapey this week.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Lexi! Thanks for an awesome night of mediocre, prissy, overly moral and rather chaste sex! I’m just gonna leave you here in the sunlight for a while. Say hi to Stefan after you heal from all the third degree burns!

Lexi: Oh well, at least he didn’t ram a stake through my heart.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, so you spent six months getting Lexi to fall in love with you, because you were so angry at her for making you so guilty about all of the evil you’d done? Those all sound like emotions to me.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, we really haven’t flushed out how this whole switch thing works yet. Tell you what, let’s go-

Rebekah: On a road trip, right after I snap Damon’s neck and steal Katherine’s address? That sounds like a lovely idea!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! I’ve been watching you sleep all night long! But don’t worry, not in an Edward Cullen way!

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Stefan! I have absolutely no memories of the Island of Misfit vampires, or Jeremy dying, or Silas becoming Shane, or Caroline killing those witches, or the end of the world drawing nigh!

Stefan Salvatore: But if you don’t … how did you … I don’t …

Bonnie Bennett: Magic!

Klaus: Well there we go, twelve neat graves for twelve dead witches. Which pales in comparison to the millions and millions of people who are going to die now that you’ve unleashed hell on earth.

Caroline Forbes: I may have made a slight miscalculation last night.

Klaus: That’s all right Caroline! I’m sure there’s somebody slightly less awful than me who will gladly let you flap your lips in his general direction while the world we knew and loved burns around us!

The Lady of the Manor: I love Pouty Klaus so fucking much.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! We’re going on a road trip!

Rebekah: We stole your car!

Elena Gilbert: And your wallet!

Rebekah: And your pants!

Damon Salvatore: You know, when I imagined the two of you taking my pants off, this was not what I had in mind.

Silas: Hi Klaus! Thanks for unintentionally helping me end the world! Tell you what, if you bring me the cure, I’ll make sure no one uses it on you! Which won’t really matter when all of your once-dead enemies come back from the Other Side seeking revenge, but Super Original Zombiepire Magic Stake of Mystic Murder powers activate!

Klaus: You know, when Stefan shoves a big, hard piece of wood into me, it doesn’t hurt nearly this much …

The Lady of the Manor: I showed you my stake, now you show me yours …

The Plot: Thickens.

Not a whole lot of thoughts on this one, actually.

Elena smiles an awful lot for someone with no emotions. They really should refer to it as flipping off their humanity. They still feel, they just don’t feel like people.

I do, however, love that Elena continues to be a few steps ahead of everyone. Watching her outsmart people, or even just be in on the game, is such a refreshing change. Also: Elena should always have that red streak in her hair.

Caroline is just kind of the worst this season. “Blah blah blah blah, you’re so terrible, blah blah blah, OH WAIT LET ME MURDER A DOZEN PEOPLE AND END THE WORLD REAL QUICK BRB LOL.”

On the other hand, that did lead to the best exchange of the night, when Klaus told her to go find someone less terrible to bitch to.

I like that they gave us a reason for Damon killing Lexi. I do, though, wish there was a bit more of a punch to it.